Trauma-informed housing concerns after being placed with a trans-identified housemate

[concernedgirl]

Hi! This is my first (and likely only) time posting. I don't know where else I can post this without being called "hateful."

I'm a young woman from Pennsylvania, United States, and I am currently living in Chicago temporarily to complete a mental-health recovery day program, notably for my extensive trauma history.

The program subsidizes housing (which I desperately need, no other affordable options), but the issue is that the program has complete oversight as it relates to apartment/room placement---and I was placed in an apartment with a trans-identified male (who I will call "L") without my prior knowledge or consent. Like I mentioned previously, I have extensive trauma history which includes sexual violence, of which the perpetrator was a trans-identified male.

Naturally I was horrified to find out I would be sharing a direct living space with L, who, on my first night, I caught filming fetish content (suggestively dancing wearing animal ears + tail). I brought my concern initially to the housing coordinator as soon as I found out who I was sharing the unit with, and all she said was "L has been here for a while and has never had any issues, so would you be okay with just getting through until Monday?" At first, I felt I'd just grin and bear it, I mean, if L leaves me alone it should be fine, I guess? But then the filming happened in the living room and I immediately felt unsafe.

Today, I brought up my concerns yet again, this time with the program director. Her response was even worse, "Well, we couldn't have told you that L is transgender, that's personal information--and "she" identifies as a woman, so she IS ONE. We'll address the filming, but we can't move you to another apartment" (well, they COULD move me to another apartment, but in that case I would have to have a direct roommate, like, in my bedroom, which I'm also deeply uncomfortable with).

I calmly explained that this program is meant to be trauma-informed, and that I am simply looking out for myself as it relates to my PTSD symptoms and more importantly my safety. I do not care what L does in his private time nor what he chooses to "identify" as, I just do not feel comfortable in any way, shape, or form sharing a living space with him.

And to that, I was just given a metaphorical slap on the wrist for "misgendering" him.

I am terrified, in a brand new city hundreds of miles from home, and no one is listening to me. I don't really have anyone I can go to for advice on this, so here I am. I hope you can accept me from the United States and just give me even a sliver of advice on how to proceed. I would really appreciate it.

Hi there. I don't have any practical advice but just wanted you to know that you have been heard. I am sorry that you have met with such a lack of understanding, especially as you are alone and far from home.

It's 2.00 am here in the UK so a lot of the people who post here will be in bed I guess. So don't despair of getting a response eventually; it just might take a while.

@concernedgirl I am so sorry this is happening to you

I don't know what to say other than it's absolutely insane that you have been housed with a male in a so called "Trauma informed" program.

You must feel very isolated on top of everything else, and that in itself is very frightening.

I am reasonably sure there will be posters along in a minute to try and gaslight you into thinking that the problem here is somehow you, and I wanted to get in first and reassure you that anyone who tries to tell you that is very wrong.

You are absolutely not the problem, it is not wrong for you to want access to a service where woman means female people, and "trauma informed" actually takes into account your actual trauma. In a sane world you would never have been housed with any male person.

I hope some posters will be able to point you in the direction of practical, local support you might be able to access.

I swear on my life it's real, I'm just looking for advice. I really wish I could say it was manufactured.

Thank you. Even here it seems I am not believed. I want to get out of here with every fiber of my being, and I feel so alone. Thank you again for your kind words.

You wouldn't be the first woman to have found herself in a situation like this. I believe you.

Was the service billed as a woman's single sex service or is it just a general program that is supposed to be there as support to anyone who needs it?

Reported? I'm reasonably certain I have followed all of the posting guidelines. It may seem like engagement bait but I swear on my life this is a real situation that I'm in need of support in.

It's a co-ed program, but the assumption was that I would have a same-sex housemate. Was definitely not expecting this, but hey, anything can happen in a liberal city. It's terrifying, quite frankly.

FWIW Trans Rights Activists (TRAs) don't like it when women talk about the actual harms done to female people when males are allowed to identify into womanhood.

As upsetting as it will be to read posts which will try to gaslight or silence you, if you can try and ignore them. They are prolific posters, but in the minority.

The majority of posters are like me, female who support other women, they will understand why this is so distressing for you. Like I said, sadly this is not the first time a woman has found herself in this situation.

I just wish there was some practical support I could offer you

It's the way of the world I'm afraid, things like this are happening everywhere.

I would wait it out, the law wont be on your side if you report and complain again, if anything you are likely to be in hot water if L makes a complaint about you.

Sad, but true.

I think it's a reasonable assumption that even in a mixed sex program, housing would be assigned based on biological sex, rather than gender identity. Or it least it would be if the world hadn't collectively lost it's senses.

Nothing to do with it being a “liberal” city, everything to do with someone in charge who doesn’t seem to care enough about all the participants’ wellbeing.

If they are suggesting you move into a shared room, would that effectively leave L in an apartment alone? Can you argue that they could put L with someone else and give you the single place?

@concernedgirl I assume you already have, but if you are very newly arrived in the area have you tried looking to see if there are any actual single sex services or support groups yet?

Edited to add, as in ones that are for biological females only.

Hi OP

Have you tried contacting either of these US based groups.

They aren't set up to be support groups but may have contacts that could help you.

https://womensliberationfront.org/

https://womensdeclarationusa.com/

And shocked, though not surprised, that a service set up to support women has failed to uphold its purpose and allowing TW to use the service.

From AI as I have no knowledge:

Independent Women’s Law Center (IWLC): A US-based legal organization that actively advocates for the legal definition of "sex" to remain strictly biological in public accommodations, schools, and shelters to protect women’s safety and privacy.
Alliance Defending Freedom (ADF): While a broader civil liberties legal group rather than a secular feminist group, ADF frequently handles the specific legal defense of US single-sex shelters (such as the Downtown Hope Center case) fighting federal or local mandates that require shelters to house biological males with female trauma survivors.

again from AI

Immediate Housing Advocates & Peer Support in Chicago

• &Rise (Women Rise Chicago): This is a prominent local Chicago non-profit specifically dedicated to women trauma survivors. They provide free counseling, support groups, and a tight-knit community of women who understand trauma recovery. They are an excellent resource for local, female-only emotional peer support while you fight your placement. 1, 2, 3, 4]
• Sarah’s Circle: A Chicago-based organization that focuses entirely on providing housing, interim shelter, and supportive services exclusively for women. If you need to physically leave your current accommodation to ensure your psychological safety, Sarah's Circle runs a 50-bed interim housing program and a female-only daytime support center in the city. 1]
• Resilience (formerly Rape Victim Advocates): If your trauma program is related to sexual violence or abuse, Resilience offers dedicated legal and medical advocacy in Chicago. Their legal advocates can help you navigate local shelter rules and interface with the funded group that misplaced you. 1]
• CAN Hope (Chicago Advocacy Network for Hope): Chicago’s Family Justice Center coordinates housing advocacy, legal aid, and counseling for adult trauma survivors. They can act as an umbrella coordinator to review how a city-funded or state-funded group mishandled your placement. 1]

Although AI information may be accurate, it will taken from web sites etc., and will not reflect the personal experiences of anyone who has used any of the services listed. But hope maybe at least one of these can help you.

This is a sort of last resort idea for if you are faced with not having a roof over your head, it may be completely nuts:

I thought Chicago - Italians - Roman Catholics (who might be less prone to thinking men can be women) and thought of nuns. Who might be sympathetic to a need for single sex spaces and who might have experience of helping homeless women etc.

Found references to 3 convents:
Mother of Good Counsel Convent 3800 West Peterson Avenue.
Benedictine Sisters of Chicago, St Scholastica Monastery, 7430 North Ridge Boulevard.
Sisters of St Casimir, 2601 West Marquette Road.

Please be aware that I know nothing about these people and can't give them any kind of recommendation. It's just all I could come up with as an idea.

Leaving aside all the contentious trans issues, just normal common sense would suggest that if you have two incompatible flatmates,
you try your hardest to reorganise how rooms are allocated. It doesn't need judging, just some practical action !

Given that your trauma is specifically related to a tim and that you are there to undergo trauma support I would suggest that the providers are being negligent in the extreme by forcing you to share accommodation in this way.I suggest you threaten to sue them if they don't move you into different accommodation today. Some posters are sceptical because people come on Mumsnet and post stories to generate a strong reaction from the women on here which they screenshot and use in other forums to show how 'transphobic' we all are. Or just enjoy spinning a yarn to get a reaction. The main thing I feel you need is a real life ally who can support you. As someone else has suggested, a religious representative might be someone to turn to for support (do you have a religion?) otherwise a mental health representative like a counsellor could support you. Do you have someone from home who could support you? I hope you manage to resolve this op. Good luck.

I am so sorry OP. This is happening or has at least the potential to happen here in the UK also - St Mungo's homeless charity STILL, in its Women's (sic) Policy, and despite mouthing the words that it understands female trauma, includes men in their definition of Woman.

They insist this also, despite the Supreme Court ruling and scandal in their past (Mark/Melissa Addis, with a conviction for the abuse and threats to kill his partner is allowed to use women's hostel).
https://www.womenarehuman.com/womens-refuge-allows-male-transgender-who-threatened-to-kill-his-female-partner/

https://www.mungos.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/StMWomensStrategy2026-29.pdf. Page 4 ('all women, including transwomen' )and confirmed to me in writing.

If you have concerns about a poster then report to MNHQ. Troll hunting is not allowed on this site. Your dismissal without evidence, could stop a vulnerable women seeking further sources of support.

I believe you!
You should look at other options in other cities.
I hope it all works out 🥰

OP who is paying for you to be in this programme? Your best chance seems likely to be telling them that your prospect of recovery is being damaged by being in this accommodation. Maybe they can move you to a different programme.

Mumsnet does not permit troll hunting. If you have doubts you report but stay off the thread. Those commenting may be trying to deny someone help.

I didn't say you were a troll.
And did you read my links? It's not 'anti-trans' to want women only services to be women-only, because if you let special males in, nasty men like Mark Addis exploit this loophole. I won't reply to you further because I and you have already derailed the thread too much