Trauma-informed housing concerns after being placed with a trans-identified housemate

[concernedgirl]

Hi! This is my first (and likely only) time posting. I don't know where else I can post this without being called "hateful."

I'm a young woman from Pennsylvania, United States, and I am currently living in Chicago temporarily to complete a mental-health recovery day program, notably for my extensive trauma history.

The program subsidizes housing (which I desperately need, no other affordable options), but the issue is that the program has complete oversight as it relates to apartment/room placement---and I was placed in an apartment with a trans-identified male (who I will call "L") without my prior knowledge or consent. Like I mentioned previously, I have extensive trauma history which includes sexual violence, of which the perpetrator was a trans-identified male.

Naturally I was horrified to find out I would be sharing a direct living space with L, who, on my first night, I caught filming fetish content (suggestively dancing wearing animal ears + tail). I brought my concern initially to the housing coordinator as soon as I found out who I was sharing the unit with, and all she said was "L has been here for a while and has never had any issues, so would you be okay with just getting through until Monday?" At first, I felt I'd just grin and bear it, I mean, if L leaves me alone it should be fine, I guess? But then the filming happened in the living room and I immediately felt unsafe.

Today, I brought up my concerns yet again, this time with the program director. Her response was even worse, "Well, we couldn't have told you that L is transgender, that's personal information--and "she" identifies as a woman, so she IS ONE. We'll address the filming, but we can't move you to another apartment" (well, they COULD move me to another apartment, but in that case I would have to have a direct roommate, like, in my bedroom, which I'm also deeply uncomfortable with).

I calmly explained that this program is meant to be trauma-informed, and that I am simply looking out for myself as it relates to my PTSD symptoms and more importantly my safety. I do not care what L does in his private time nor what he chooses to "identify" as, I just do not feel comfortable in any way, shape, or form sharing a living space with him.

And to that, I was just given a metaphorical slap on the wrist for "misgendering" him.

I am terrified, in a brand new city hundreds of miles from home, and no one is listening to me. I don't really have anyone I can go to for advice on this, so here I am. I hope you can accept me from the United States and just give me even a sliver of advice on how to proceed. I would really appreciate it.

It is patently unfair when someone else's rights to identify as a different gender to their birth sex and their behaviour impacts so much on another person's well being and needs. Surely It should be possible to address both sides needs in a way that is fair and equitable to both. It sounds like the managers of the program you are in don't really want to help you, or are may be not in a position to, due to their policies and priorities . Is it not possible for you to be referred elsewhere to a different organisation's program that recognises that some traumatized women need to be helped in a single sex environment in order to feel safe. I hope you can find the right sort of help you need right now.

I have reported you, you are breaking Mumsnet rules.
If you don’t believe a post is real you report it or step away from the thread, you don’t argue about it on the thread. There are good reasons for this rule.

I understand that, it's a fair enough point and yes we do see TRAs come here to do stuff like that. However, like another PP pointed out, there is a report button for a reason.

If the OP is genuine then she needs support.

Rregardless of how the TRAs would like to portray us to each other, most of the posters here are known for conducting intelligent, reasonable discussions, and contrary to popular TRA belief no one is posting transphobic hate here.

So if this did turn out to be an engagement/rage bait post, tough for the trolls! They'll be eagerly sitting there waiting to screenshot a whole heap of nothing.

Being pro-women's rights is not being anti-trans.

HTH

What a horrific situation for you, OP and I'm thinking of you across the miles. I'm glad you've had some ideas from others: sadly. I have none as it's very difficult to be helpful to people in other jurisdictions.

What you describe is now known to be illegal in the UK, thanks to our Supreme Court ruling, but such shit still goes on because people think it's fine to disobey laws they don't like.

I believe you op. If I were you I'd get out of there. You said it'll be fine if he leaves you alone - but if he doesn't, if he harasses you in any way, they've told you loud and clear that they won't believe you or support you.

You said you're far from home, from which I'm assuming there is somewhere that's "home" - can you go back there?

I think the vast majority of women would be very uncomfortable in your living situation, even without your trauma history.

If someone records content for tiktok, for example, they would be doing it regularly - why is it so hard to imagine that L is filming every day and did not make an exception for the day of OP's arrival?

I am reporting all troll-hunting posts. it's not OK to stop a women gaining support by derailing

How would you determine who is a “genuine trans woman” and who isn’t?

Would your first action be to sneer at the trans identified male and call him a liar if he expressed concerns?

Take the best scenario, staying where you are or sharing a room with a biological female. You won't get to change policy overnight

I agree, this is a thread with a woman in urgent trouble, not one to engage the interruptarons and pointing out their logical flaws.

Fwiw I found the tiktok video thing entirely believable. I won't elaborate on that because I don't want to feed the interruptaron.

Op needs to get out of there ASAP.

two thoughts, one I suspect this individual has had multiple housemates as they are difficult to live with but they are on the programme so need housing, two if they haven’t got another room currently unless you share then you may need to either ask to be moved as soon as space becomes available or find your own accommodation. What the programme should be doing is telling this individual that they cannot use the communal space to film anything, controversial or otherwise because it’s not fair on any flatmate.

Stopping the guy from filming won't actually help op. He's still the kind of guy who makes those sorts of tiktoks. Surely this is the obvious point

The problem is that a traumatised woman is being housed with a person of the male sex.

The tick-tock stuff is just an added level of inappropriate, but it would be inappropriate for anyone of either sex to be doing that in a shared area of supported accommodation.

In a sane world woman who have been through trauma like the OP has would never have been housed with a man.

I hope @concernedgirl comes back.

I think whether or not they move you is going to depend heavily on whether you were guaranteed single sex accommodation anywhere. Do you have anything in writing that says this? You say it was an "assumption", but on whose part?

If it's a co-ed program and the subsidised housing is optional, they may have no obligation to provide you with single sex accommodation.

You mention that the other accommodation they can provide is also unsuitable.

If you can't source your own accommodation, is there any way you can go home and complete the program remotely?

You could do with some Advocacy support.

I found this organisation on Google. I don't know if they'd be able to help or not but they may be able to give you links to people who can.

NAMI Chicago

💐

Wanting women safe from males who say they are women is not 'anti trans'. Even when they are filming fetish content in the joint living room it would seem you are all about the men.

This is a good piece of lateral thinking, Heggettypeg.

Nuns these days are more likely to be kick-ass social campaigners than the nasty historical reputation they have - some of it richly deserved, some of it not so, they were never all bad.
I have noticed on US nuns' websites that there seems to be more emphasis on prayer and spirituality rather than social work, but hopefully there are still plenty of the practically-helpful kind of nuns in Chicago!

So OP, the idea of approaching groups run by nuns is not as nuts as it might have sounded years ago, and I suggest you at least talk to them, and form your own opinion.

The Catholic church has been unwavering in opposing the concept of transgenderism [not trans people] so you would at least be guaranteed an understanding hearing, you wouldn't have to be defensive about what is so distressing to you about having to share with a trans-IDing man.

I found this which may be a useful place to start:
9610 S Winchester Ave, Chicago, IL, 60643-1614
Dominican Sisters in Chicago, IL is a community organization dedicated to serving the local community through various charitable and educational initiatives.
With a focus on promoting social justice and spiritual growth, Dominican Sisters offers support and resources to those in need within the Chicago area.

Sending you good wishes and support in moving out, moving on and moving up!
We're always here for you, in whatever way we can be

I have no advice but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now, it’s very wrong

Nuns these days are more likely to be kick-ass social campaigners
I love this @MarieDeGournay! Never thought of nuns being kick-ass!

To the disbelievers on this thread - what attracted you to a thread where the first words of the title are "trauma-informed"? 🤔

OP - I hope you find support locally. As pp said, it's difficult to advise someone in another country but you have support here anyway.

I am sorry you are in this position. It doesn’t sound trauma informed at all. I am reminded of the dreadful rape crisis centre in Scotland who told women who were victims of male sexual violence and were triggered by trans identifying male counsellors to reframe their trauma. Would sharing a room with an actual woman be less bad?