What's with assexualo suddenly being a thing?

[n0wayn0h0w]

My 14 year old DD has just come to me to say she's assexual. She goes to an all girls school and is worried she's never had a crush. She said she went online, watched some TikTok videos and now feels happy to know there's "nothing wrong" with her because she's assexual.

I told her she's never had a crush because the odds are she's into boys and never meets any so there's no opportunity for crushes. I told her some people get crushes on people they don't know, based on appearance but many need to know the person in order to feel attracted to them in that way.

I also said it's normal for teens to question who they are as they're growing up.

It's so insidious, children are out there looking for answers and the internet churns out labels for them.

Anyone got any advice on this?

Because that's evidenced... you fancy the same sex, you're gay...

You've not fancied anyone by age 14 means literally nothing.

Nope

My friend is asexual, he has never dated anyone or had sexual/romantic feelings and he is in his 40’s. He did think there was something wrong with him until he got talking to our younger colleagues who explained it to him.

There is nothing insidious about it, it’s just a relatively new label. There have always been people throughout history, in all different cultures and periods, that haven’t been interested in sex and romance.

While it is possible that her feelings will change over time it is also possible they will not and it’s something you will have to come to terms with.

as mentioned multiple times, I don't let her online unfettered and she has no tiktok account and no app on her phone.

I also can't go back in time and delete her Internet browser

No - I don't think it unhealthy if a 14 year old has sexual or romantic feelings, straight or gay. Those feelings can change though, so who you're attracted to at 14 can change as you grow older and I think it's important to acknowledge all relationships are valid, different and equal.

However, if a child doesn't have feelings then I think it's unhealthy and reductive to give them a sexualised label to describe something which is absent at that time and in line with perfectly normal child development.

Back when I was a teenager, “not wanting to have sex before you got to know somebody” was just called “not being a slag” 🤷‍♀️

I’m not saying that was any better, but it’s bizarre it’s no longer seen as the norm.

It's not suddenly a thing, I was on Aven 20 years ago. I felt a gigantic sense of relief that I wasn't broken.

I later found that I do have a sex drive but it is very low and I was also a fairly late developer in that sense, I think I was about 19 by the time I was having sexual feelings.

I do not think it did me any harm at all to go through a phase of thinking I was asexual. In fact it just encouraged me to accept who I am at every stage of life rather than trying to fit in to what I felt like I was "supposed" to be like.

How on earth are asexual people discriminated against, harassed, or in danger?

Do they have trouble getting employed? Or renting flats? Are they paid less than non-asexual people? Are they attacked in the street at a higher rate than other people? I really don't think so.

Harassed or in danger? Nope. Extremely frustrated by the idiots who keep insisting we just haven't encountered the right cock/vag yet, and won't we be lonely, and how weird, and I'll end up as a mad cat lady, and why don't I have a partner to bring to the event, and do I mean I'm gay? All the fucking time. Though at least these days some of the nosy fucks shut up when I tell them I'm Ace.

You and every other single person - because we are a society obsessed by sex to the extent that children are giving themselves unnecessary and unhealthy labels for a lack of feelings which are perfectly normal at their age.

Nope, if you're partnered up you don't get asked any of those questions. I have obviously never had a partner, so get this incessantly. Because I'm Ace.

If you're partnered you're not single.

And you're not 14.

That’s hardly unique to asexual people though. Do you have children, if not why not, if you do that’s the wrong number and you should have more/fewer, or should at least have had them when you were younger/older. If you are a working mother that is wrong, but so is being a SAHM. Using wraparound childcare is bad but so is exploiting your poor mother by allowing her to pick them up from school when she offers. I haven’t even started on how wrong everything you are feeding your kids is.

But when I was 14 I was asexual. But because I didn't know that was a valid possibility I was deeply unhappy. If the OP's daughter is indeed asexual, she will be much more content with it than I was.

No, that's sexism, not singleism.

At 14 you were a child who knew she didn't fancy anyone - and at that point you should have been told that was perfectly fine and normal for your age. No label was needed.

So at what age would I have been allowed to be asexual? 16? 18? 21? 50? Why is that age older than what would be accepted for a young person who recognises that they are straight, or gay? Please give me a reason that is not based in discrimination?

But why tell people? If someone you don’t fancy asks you out, you surely just say no? You don’t need to explain you’ll always say no to everyone. Opening up the conversation beyond ‘no’ invites dickheads to argue with you.

You’re in the perfect position here to just shut it down with your simple no.

I explained that upthread if you're interested.

EVery other bugger at work references their other halves. Constantly. So people start to notice you never mention one. And get nosey and intrusive. The world may be primarily heteronormative, but vast swathes of it comprehend homosexuality better than asexuality. Being perfectly happy alone appears to really set the gossips going.

But I presume you're not going to listen to someone who is asexual about the experience of actually being asexual?

And again - it's the same for every single person. I am married but when I was single I was on the receiving end of exactly the same questions you get - as was and is every single person I know.

ANd when you were married you were not. But I have never been married, or partnered, or dating, and never will be. So I get it every day of my life. You can just say "I used to be married", and that is far more socially acceptable than "I have never had a partner and don't want one".

Incidentally, this thread seems to be ably demonstrating that we do indeed get discriminated against, and our opinions dismissed.

You're not being discriminated against - you're simply being asked the same questions that single people the world over are.

No, I’m interested in your experience and how much the world must have changed since I was young. I can’t recall, when I was asked out, needing to say anything beyond no, but perhaps I was lucky that either I didn’t feel the need to explain, or I didn’t attract too many dickheads.

In the many years I was single and very happy I can’t remember anyone ever pushing on that or seeming judgy in the way you’re describing. Perhaps society really has changed so much, since the advent of social media, that nobody is able to have anything approaching a private life, and a lack of oversharing is seen as something remarkable.

People I know would find it incredibly rude to be intrusive about someone else’s sexuality or home life, but I am in my 50s, and perhaps we just have better manners. People’s sexuality is literally the least interesting thing about them, to me and my friends certainly, hence my initial question.