What's with assexualo suddenly being a thing?

[n0wayn0h0w]

My 14 year old DD has just come to me to say she's assexual. She goes to an all girls school and is worried she's never had a crush. She said she went online, watched some TikTok videos and now feels happy to know there's "nothing wrong" with her because she's assexual.

I told her she's never had a crush because the odds are she's into boys and never meets any so there's no opportunity for crushes. I told her some people get crushes on people they don't know, based on appearance but many need to know the person in order to feel attracted to them in that way.

I also said it's normal for teens to question who they are as they're growing up.

It's so insidious, children are out there looking for answers and the internet churns out labels for them.

Anyone got any advice on this?

I agree with most of this, I've always thought it's ridiculous that idealised romantic relationships seem to be crow-barred into so many kids films and shows.

What triggered this was her friend asking if she'd had a crush and she hadn't and she thought it was weird.

Up to now, I was glad she wasn't distracted by this and was studying and getting on with her hobbies.

Are hormone imbalance, depression or autism possibilities? What is she like otherwise? Does she have friends she has close, fun and relaxed connections with?

I'd just say that's fine, things can change over the years, and you don't actually have to label everything.

she's very studious and not really into pop culture...

I guess it can be transient, but seems a bit pointless... you just don't have crushes right now.

The problem with labels is that they have a sense of permanency and/or imply an inherent character trait. Saying 'I am not into relationships right now' or 'I haven't met anyone I'm attracted to' keeps the statement factual rather than adding in all sorts of unhelpful meanings. This keeps the future open with possibility and agency and allows a person to grow and develop over their whole life span. Saying 'I am asexual' (or applying any other label) feels oppressive and deterministic and requires modification if anything deviates from the label. But people love certainty hence the appeal, particularly to the young who are trying to make sense of themselves.

I've suspected autism for many years. She had an NHS assessment when she was at primary and it came back as a no (I say assessment but it was a questionnaire).

I still think she has it due to sensitivity to crowds, noise, clothing, misunderstanding social cues, having special interests. The last NHS appointment put me off pursuing this though and I thought having the autism label probably won't make a difference at this point.

Thanks, yes, this is exactly my thoughts on it.

I'm pleased she felt she could come and talk to me about it so want to supportive, not dismissive but also not wanting to encourage labels so quickly.

Some people are genuinely asexual (I'm not talking about the online trend of claiming the label just because you're not constantly up for it, which I think comes from norms in porn.)

Your daughter is probably just 14. Sounds like you handled it well. I'd keep reminding her that all of this is normal- normal to have a crush, normal not to have a crush, perfectly ok to feel different as time passes and perfectly ok to feel the same.

Agree. Personally speaking, I am not attracted to many people, but I am definitely not asexual! There's every chance I could have got to 20 and not been in a relationship.

I didn't think mine did. she doesn't have the app or an account

I’d go with it for now op. Asexual is probably what many 14 year old girls are as they are so young.

Watching ‘Virgin Island’ recently was eye opening. Lots of young people are so closed off just through fear, insecurity and lack of confidence. It’s completely understandable given the social environment they’re growing up in. No chances to flirt, no chances to safely experiment. No wonder they just reject the idea altogether.

Yes, that's a nice way of putting it. Thanks.

It’s hardly something new is it? I have two friends who are asexual and have never had a romantic or sexual relationship. Now in their 50s and perfectly happy. Some people are simply not interested and that’s fine.

She now feels happy to know there's "nothing wrong" with her because she's assexual.

This is the main thing I think - something was worrying her, now it's not.

Being asexual is benign - she can change her mind at any time, she's not asking for weird body mods to validate it, it's a good excuse to avoid pressure to be in a relationship/ kiss people at parties etc which is a positive.

I absolutely roll my eyes at identifying and narcissistic navel gazing that all the cool kids are doing now, but I don't think this situation is one to get upset about.

'identifying as' and labelling yourself is new. Asexuality is not.

You can proofread it though. Beyond me why so many people don't do this and publish gobbledygook.

I think it's rather good really. Gives her an out from pressure into trying dating before she's ready.

I kind of wish my kids would find their own friend groups and paths in life first and find a partner after if they want one. Then they're sure to be finding a path to suit their own needs not with half an eye on where someone else wants to be located, who someone else enjoys hanging out with etc. But also setting themselves up to have all their own life skills and not leaning on someone else to be the one that does the cooking or the one that knows how to fix the car.

But yeah, I would also let her know it's fine and normal to not be interested at her age and change your mind later.

Beyond me why so any pedants think anyone else is interested in their opinion.

It's almost like people are different.

Oh the pressures to conform at that age - it's endless, isn't it? Tell her it will come if and when it's meant to, but in the meantime, there are so many other interesting things to focus on.

Have you ever read the lyrics to Sunscreen by Baz Luhrmann or listened to it? I think it should be on ever school curriculum in the land.

Just say: You are 14. People develop and change in all sorts of ways between their teens and their twenties. You don't have to label yourself.

but many need to know the person in order to feel attracted to them in that way.

FYI, this perfectly normal thing for many people for all of time, has also now been turned into a "sexual orientation" called demi sexual. They have their own flag and everything and are part of the lgbtqia2swhatever++++ community. Its completely ridiculous. All adults know that it's normal for a 14 year old to not have had a crush, it doesnt mean they are asexual. There is such pressure put on young people today to find any kind of "other" label to put on themselves though and its completely bizarre. Many do find it hard to admit that actually maybe they aren't whatever it was they thought as a literal child when they grow up a bit and actually experience life and the world. Its sad.

It's not pedantry to want a thread title or OP to make sense (granted it was easy to work out what the OP meant in this case).

And virtually the entire premise of a forum is the assumption that at least some people will be interested in your opinion.

All terms are made up. This is not a trendy new thing, people have always been asexual, always. It is a great comfort to many to have a word to describe themselves and to know others are the same, that there is nothing weird or wrong about them.

Sorry - you always get the spelling police coming along trying to derail a very serious subject.
Labels are really pernicious /we have so much freedom these days ( at least here in the West, for now) to be anything we want without being restricted to a specific category.
You can go through phases of wanting different things, having/ not having a partner of either sex, then a monogamous, then a non- monogamous etc. Same with ‘gender’ -you are now free to do whatever ‘typically’ or culturally male /female jobs, dress any way you like etc.
Yer people want to box themselves into an immutable permanent category with a label instead…

The difficulty with terms is that it can then become a self-defining label. No 14 year old should be thinking of themselves as a fixed asexual - we need to move away from this approach which ties our child and young people to a particular tribe or path which gives them a reductive view of their capabilities and possibilities. It's absolutely fine not to have had a crush or sexual feeling at that age, just as it is as any age, without labelling it and self-declaring anything.

Commuting, rushing and panicking. I'm a human. And seem to take a non binary approach to spelling in my quest to find answers.

Not normally so rushed and normally take spelling seriously.