What's with assexualo suddenly being a thing?

[n0wayn0h0w]

My 14 year old DD has just come to me to say she's assexual. She goes to an all girls school and is worried she's never had a crush. She said she went online, watched some TikTok videos and now feels happy to know there's "nothing wrong" with her because she's assexual.

I told her she's never had a crush because the odds are she's into boys and never meets any so there's no opportunity for crushes. I told her some people get crushes on people they don't know, based on appearance but many need to know the person in order to feel attracted to them in that way.

I also said it's normal for teens to question who they are as they're growing up.

It's so insidious, children are out there looking for answers and the internet churns out labels for them.

Anyone got any advice on this?

One of DC's best friends tells people she's asexual because turning a bloke down because you're ace is safer than turning him down because you don't fancy him.

Ace - "Oh, I didn't realise, sorry"
No thanks - either cajoling or "frigid bitch"

Am I the only one hearing 'assexualo' in a hispanic accent?

No - and it's how I will hear it pronounced it my head forever more

Op if she doesn’t have the app it’s possible she’s seeing TikTok videos that have been reposted somewhere else like YouTube, content on one social media platform often gets reposted elsewhere. She might have watched them in her browser too, you don’t need to have an account or be signed in. Could be her friends showing her them as well.

I had to reassure dd there was nothing “wrong” with her at 14 when she thought there was, because although she had crushes on boys, she didn’t have sexual feelings of wanting to actually do anything physical, nothing beyond kissing. A friend had said they were asexual and thought she could be too based on this. Another friend said that wasn’t “normal” and hadn’t she thought about doing more, so she must be asexual. I think in dd’s case it came at the same time as other girls in her class having boyfriends and talking about what they had done physically beyond kissing. She’d never thought about that all that stuff before.

I just reassured her she was very young, people mature at different rates, and I was exactly the same at her age. Had my first boyfriend at 16 and honestly I still found all that quite scary at the same time as being exciting if that makes
sense.

It bothers me so much, I wish I could change it.

Explain that not many kids of 14 have the opportunity to explore their sexuality sufficiently to be certain what they'll be like or into in future. That just because you've never fancied anyone yet, it doesn't mean it won't happen.

But obviously of course there's nothing wrong with any type of sexuality. Including asexual. As long as it always involves consent.

And she doesn't owe anyone anything sexual or romantic just because they fancy her. If she doesn't feel the same.

Support her. Don't analyse, medicalise or advise her - just be supportive.

She could well be asexual, or aromantic. She is likely feeling her way towards understanding why she feels different and finding a term which suits her.

Asexuality is very real, and it's important never to put pressure on an LGBTQIA+ child. More people are confident in identifying as ace now.

Are you aware of the discrimination, harassment and abuse ace people go through? If not, please read up on it. She will likely be very aware of how dangerous it can be to identify as asexual.

Telling her how she feels, or denying it, will be a massive own goal. Don't break the trust she has in you. Just be around to listen and support as she finds her own way through life. Otherwise you will open up a terrible distance between you.

Omg she's 14. I wasn't ready/ interested until late 20's. Too many bloody labels these days.

Do not put an LGBetc label on her, fgs - she's a 14 year old child. She does not need a label or pressure to conform to anything of this ilk when she's just being a perfectly normal young teenager. Too many adults putting too many labels on children is the cause of far too many problems today.

I think you're mad. How on earth can a child identify as asexual? They don't know themselves at all. Human attraction is so variable and develops at different ages. Where is the line for this for you? Age 12? 11? 10?

I can assure you, I'm supporting her but I absolutely do not want to encourage her to pigeon hole herself as a mere child.

I do not want her falling down any cult-like rabbit holes about this.

Reality check, she thought she was "weird" because she's not had a crush on anyone yet. Some of her friends have already. But as I pointed out to her, this is normal and doesn't mean she's asexual.

I told her, what matters is friendships and family and her being happy... and let's see what happens as she gets older.

14 year old children have no idea whether they’ll be sexual when they’re a bit older or not.
They’re also at an age when they’re not capable of assessing what they see online, and are extremely easily influenced.

agreed! I thought she was media savvy too (and is about other subjects) so this caught me off guard.

The brainwashing out there on SM on all things lgbtqia+ is off-the-scale rampant, forceful, intensive and targeted very carefully at the vulnerable. I’ve seen plenty of young people, who are excellent critical thinkers in other ways, completely convinced by this ideology. Some have become activists themselves. And it’s clear that they have not applied their usual intellectual rigour, when they refuse to debate or explain why they believe it, resorting instead to stomping out or throwing insults.

well I'd love to know how help her to engage her critical side

I think that's a bit dismissive actually. I went to a girls school and didn't know many boys at 14 but I could have told you I was attracted to them, even if that attraction didn't have an object.

I think if you are asexual - and some people are - then it must be quite comforting to know that you're not alone, given how much emphasis society puts on love, romance, dating etc. And of course, if the OP's daughter changes her mind, then no harm is done.

Which means that you had sexual or romantic feelings at 14. Fine. The OP's DD doesn't feel those feelings at the moment, and that is also absolutely fine - it doesn't mean she has to be labelled asexual at 14 fgs.

Asexuality is very real, and it's important never to put pressure on an LGBTQIA+ child. More people are confident in identifying as ace now

I think the real damage is on boxing yourself into a label at such a young age.

”LGBT children” - I don’t think is a good label. Just let children be children.

I don’t quite understand why you are so freaked out by this. Out of all the labels it’s a pretty innocuous/neutral one. I’m not interested . However , you seem to take this almost… personally?

Do you really think that if she does fancy someone when she’s older she’ll let it go because she said she was asexual at 14?

If DD came up with this I would’ve asked her why she thinks that, and then just said “as long as you’re happy, just remember things change as you grow older and that’s ok.”

OK but from what I remember having sexual and romantic feelings was very much the norm at 14 years old so I can quite see why a 14 year old who wasn't would want some reassurance that they weren't alone in the world. She doesnt have to label herself of course but maybe she finds it helps, blending in is what 14 year olds do.

Anyway, be glad shes not claiming to be non-binary, that'll cost you a fortune in hair dye.

I have an Asexual friend who is in her 50s. Never had a partner. Really happy and had a great life. She tried sex once to see if she could force feelings but stopped before completion as she hated it.
I don't think we called it asexual at school she was just someone who 'didn't like boys or girls'

I was an asexual 14 year old. I had zero interest in either sex. I just assumed I was weird and abnormal, maybe broken. I'm now an asexual aromantic woman in her 50s. And I quite like knowing that there is a term for it, and that I'm not just weird and abnormal, and broken. She may come to a different understanding of her sexuality, but if she said she was straight, or gay, you'd at least consider the possibility that she was right. So why not consider that possibility now?

This is my daughter since 14-15 and now at 21 never having had a romantic relationship. I do think it is a safety mechanism for her. She describes herself as asexual/arorace on bios.

Normal is a wide spectrum - but sexualised labels to define children are really unhealthy and unhelpful.

And yes - steer her well away from the blue hair dye.

So if she claimed to be straight or gay at 14 would you also consider that unhealthy? Genuinely curious.