What's with assexualo suddenly being a thing?

[n0wayn0h0w]

My 14 year old DD has just come to me to say she's assexual. She goes to an all girls school and is worried she's never had a crush. She said she went online, watched some TikTok videos and now feels happy to know there's "nothing wrong" with her because she's assexual.

I told her she's never had a crush because the odds are she's into boys and never meets any so there's no opportunity for crushes. I told her some people get crushes on people they don't know, based on appearance but many need to know the person in order to feel attracted to them in that way.

I also said it's normal for teens to question who they are as they're growing up.

It's so insidious, children are out there looking for answers and the internet churns out labels for them.

Anyone got any advice on this?

😏Stop derailing.

Yes, it's clear what I meant. My intial post was rushed. I have been thinking about this all night.

I was writing the post on my way out, one of my other children was asking me questions as I was trying to leave and I pressed send.

I searched for answers before starting my own thread, hoping others had been in similar situations but couldn't find anything.

I really think mumsnet should add a reporting category for side tracking / derailing and ban repeat offenders. It completely undermines the thread and is so very rude.

Boohoo there was a typo, most people manage, if you can't get over it, perhaps stay off the internet.

It’s extraordinary to me that today, when children are ‘younger’ and less mature than ever, with parents still responsible for them into their 20s, having to be at school until 18 and so on, that in this important respect, their sexual lives, we are expected to accept it’s normal for 14 year old to be fully mature and have a defined sexuality - 2 years before even the age of consent!

When I was at school it was a few outliers who were in any sort of ‘relationship’ at 14. Most of us hadn’t even had a first snog, let alone anything else. To me, that seems much more normal than this encouragement to explore and label at an age when most children haven’t even started thinking of themselves as sexual beings.

I think I’d be encouraging your daughter to think of herself as not yet having started this part of her adult life, rather than having decided what it will look like before she’s even experienced it.

FWIW I didn’t fancy any of the boys at my small secondary school, nor at university. Then I moved to London for work at 22, and, well, let’s just say I had a very good time for a few years! She might just be like me. And many others.

No need to explain yourself @n0wayn0h0w

It's such bad form to repeatedly point to spelling mistakes. Over and above completely spoiling the thread and bullying the person who made a mistake it's hugely insensitive as some people with dyslexia can't help it. Dyslexia is recognised as a disability under anti-discrimination laws like the Equality Act 2010, so it's bigoted to boot.

I too didn't want to have sex with anybody when I was 14... because I was 14.

In the same way as I had no desire to own and be responsible for my own house when I was 14.

If mine said that at 14 I would have laughed and said ‘I should bloody well hope so given sex at your age is illegal’ … and ‘that it’s perfectly normal not to have had a crush or know where your preferences lie yet. You have plenty of time for that later. Just enjoy being you for now.’

SM and teen gossip makes it all seem so very intense at that age, especially in all girls schools.

My advice, as someone who knows asexual people, is just to believe her for now, and not hassle or question her too much about it. She may change her mind in the future, but she may not, and that's ok; if she does change her mind it will be easier for her if you haven't made a big deal of it. If she doesn't, you will know not to keep asking her about boyfriends (or girlfriends).

I actually expected this to be the first reply.
There’s a reason they are banning SM for under 16yo.

The Asexual label has been around for quite a while now......it is one of the identity labels that young people are encourgaed to believe they need to have. But in an overly sexualised world it is understandable that many young people just want to distance themselves from sex altogether. I think that is becoming more common.

Oh stop it! Do what everyone else does and read past the harmless typos.

Having said that, though, I clicked into the thread wondering what the interesting new identity "assexualo" was. It sounded like a particularly flamboyant way of not experiencing sexual desire.

More seriously, I think it is positively harmful to construct an identity out of the fact that you feel at sea among all of the various peer pressures telling you that finding a partner or having sex has to be a concern in your life. The sexual messaging that girls and young women face is so overwhelming and at times frightening that it is completely reasonable to feel frozen in the face of it. It isn't good for young people to locate the issue inside of them. Much better to let go of labels. Social media wants to pigeonhole everyone, just for the clicks.

It's the incessant desperation that a lot of impressionable teens have for a label, to make them feel like they are special - anything apart from regular heterosexual.

I've overheard them discussing it at length and earnestly trying to twist definitions and convince themselves and others in order to secure that special label.

It's crazy, because the label should come afterwards to describe the reality; rather than the label coming first and dictating the reality (or at least the perception of it).

Nobody would label up a whole load of empty jars as 'strawberry jam' and then feel duty bound to make the jam in order to match the labels, for their own consumption - even if they don't want or actually like jam!

I was a late developer. I had no interest in boys (or girls) while I was at school. I went on to have my first relationship at 19, pretty much caught up then. I don't know what I'd have thought if I'd been exposed to TikTok's talking about different "identities".

I guess the positive is that she’s feeling ok about herself.

Maybe just ask her about the most helpful video and what chord it struck with her. Keep the communication open.

I don’t worry too much about the young ones feeling locked into a label. They all seem to be fine with discarding them and moving forward. I wasn’t much younger than her when I wanted to be a nun. Let’s just say within 6 months I’d jettisoned that idea.

So if it’s ‘pointless’, maybe it’s pointless to actively disagree with her on it.

Excellent analogy!

There's also a sinister aspect to this. Too many adults / online influence trying to coerce children / young people into believing in inappropriate sexual labels rather than just accepting that children shouldn't be involved in sexual relationships that they're too young (emotionally and intellectually) to navigate. That there's no rush for their "sexual self " to emerge.
There's a reason why we have the age of consent at 16 - it's a protective measure to safeguard children.

There is also an assumption that people are able to use the different subject to guide them to like-minded individuals, or are able to scroll on bynif offended.

It IS pedantry, because by your own admission you knew what the title was. Yet, you chose to post something rude, irrelevant & unnecessary which now the OP has felt she has to justify.

Its deeply unhelpful in the middle of threads asking for parenting or relationship advice.

I apologise OP for my part of the derail.

I read that as "aromatic and asexual" .

New one on me 😂

I'm not judging. I'm just a bit bemused by the fact that you seem to be more concerned about a teenager labelling themselves as asexual, than the fact that you don't know what she's accessing online. Content on asexuality would be the least of my worries in this situation.

The fact that you don't know how she has accessed the Tik Tok content without an account it isn't the end of the line, surely. Don't you want to find out?

My 22 year old dd is asexual - she simply isn’t interested in anyone that way. I remember her having school boyfriends but she’s never liked anyone in her personal space - she said to me she can’t think of anything worse than waking up next to someone every day and having to hug them.

It's even better when they accidentally mis-type it that way 😁

What is new is that asexual doesnt mean "doesnt want sexual relationships" any more. It can mean all these different things

Trust me, I am worried about what she's accessing online. I'll be speaking to her about it and tightening things up.

I don't allow social media, except for WhatsApp... and I check her phone regularly and randomly. I also check on her when she's in her room and ask what she's up to/ask her to show me. So goodness knows how she found these videos. She definitely doesn't have Tiktok installed.

I told her straight up yesterday that she's not allowed in any social media groups to discuss this. I told her that I'd rather she spoke to us abd social media encourages too much introversion.

DS said the same to me when he was 14 (he went to an all boys school). I said ok and it didn't come up again for years. It came up again last year now he's at uni and he said "I'm asexual and I have TOLD you this", he's told all his uni friends this also and shows no interest romantically in either gender. He has a nice set of friends of both genders.
He's happy though. I won't bring it up unless he does and have told family and friends if it comes up in conversation (eg they say he might meet someone and settle down etc). I think we just need to accept who he is telling us he is. If it changes we would of course accept that too, but there's no expectation of that.