DS’ school collecting money for Stonewall: how to respond?

[NinetyNineRedBalloonsGoByAgain]

Email from his secondary school today that they are holding an own clothes day fundraiser to collect money for the charity Stonewall.

I really don’t want to go in heavy handed because a) I think it’s more powerful to change things with calm explanations than ranting, and b) I am assuming it’s coming from a place of ignorance not prejudice and c) I don’t want to make things difficult for my DS… but please help me draft an email setting out why this is a wholly inappropriate “charity” for a school to support? With links to evidence if possible! TIA

I'd send in a note stating you disagree with selected charity so your DC won't be participating in any fund raising events to support them.

The same issue here. He went in his own clothes but I haven’t donated online. The amount they are raising will be split between 2 charities so I do feel a bit guilty

If there is one set of people who Stonewall don't represent, it's anyone who could be described as "less fortunate". Same-sex marriage was legalised in 2014, and that's when all legal inequality of LGB people ended in the UK.

As for the TQ+, it's self-evident that they are anything but "less fortunate". Look at how huge banks, multinationals, political parties, universities, and government bodies fell over themselves to let men into women's spaces. The organs of capitalism and the Establishment don't act for the "less fortunate".

There are plenty of apolitical charities out there. The local food bank, for starters. Stonewall has never been apolitical, and in the last 12 years has lost its way. Far better for the school to support an apolitical charity that does assist less fortunate people.

That all depends how 'woman' is interpreted which again relies on individual subjectivity.

All charities have a partisan disposition. The point about partisanship is not to let that override the lesson of charitable giving.

Any one who knows anything about rights movements particularly feminism knows that legality isn't all there is to equality. Women, like gay/trans & other minorities still face social prejudices that negatively impact their day to day living despite receiving legal protections. Just because a cause receives institutional support doesn't mean that the people it supports still don't face injustices.

There are plenty of apolitical charities out there. The local food bank, for starters. Stonewall has never been apolitical, and in the last 12 years has lost its way. Far better for the school to support an apolitical charity that does assist less fortunate people.

There's always a political angle & food banks have a big one.
https://theconversation.com/why-giving-surplus-food-to-charities-is-not-a-solution-to-food-poverty-72210

"Switch your brain off and just do as you're asked. It's more important to feel kind and generous than to find out whether what you are being encouraged to do will do good or harm."
A very bad lesson for children or indeed anybody.

A very bad lesson for children or indeed anybody.

If people believed that at all they would encourage their children to publicly push back in any situation where their values were being compromised. But we all know that they don't. In fact what they mostly teach is self preservation. So please save the hypocritical faux self righteousness for your fellow self deluded travellers.

If you had been honest about encouraging your children to toe the line in school for self preservation, that's one thing. But you weren't. It was allegedly all about teaching them the "lesson of charitable giving'. The hypocrisy is yours.
And I stand by what I said: mindless "be kind" to whoever is wailing loudest, without considering anyone else involved, does a lot of harm.

“What they mostly teach is self preservation”

And there we have it - the admittance of the reasons for the name calling and social isolation bullying tactics if anyone questions ‘be kind’- it just slips out

Encouraging self preservation/social cohesion & genuinely supporting charitable giving aren't mutually exclusive.

As I already said I'm willing turn a blind eye to 'undeserving' charities if a more valuable priority is being met which is instilling a charitable attitude. And I think that giving grace to others preferences even if they aren't mine supports the overall project as well as maintains civility.

What people forget when they close partisan ranks is they close off opportunity to be heard. Regressing to the animal kingdom doesn't help anybody long term …unless you are the king of the jungle that's why self preservation/social cohesion/cooperation is a lasting evolutionary adaption.

Our primary makes a point of avoiding charities like this though and sticking to ones which are less likely to cause friction. It's not difficult to do as a policy.

I'd send an email saying that you find it appalling that an educational establishment would support an organisation that seeks to undermine women's rights, and you will not be contributing.
Copy it to the governors and the MAT or local education department.

That sounds fair enough if the parents of the school are consulted & can agree on a direction but the OP wants to make that decision for them at hers.

If you are relying on school to teach the lesson of charitable giving them you need to have a word with yourself. School is not the only outlet for charitable giving. You can do so on your own terms quite easily.

Indeed I think it's important to learn the lessons of saying no when you feel uncomfortable with something rather than going along with peer pressure and being willing to go against the grain for something you feel strongly about. Charity giving due to this need for conformity or not rocking the boat is not freely giving - it's giving under duress. There's much to unpack in terms of consent.

Teach your children to understand it's always ok to say no. Teach them to advocate why they are saying no. Teach them you can still give to charity but in a way you feel comfortable.

I am getting exceptionally frustrated by the sheer number of threads on MN where the OP has a perfectly legitimate and fair reason to say no, but they are frankly too wet to do it. Sometimes at significant personal cost.

It's deeply unhealthy.

None of this is about Be Kind.

And?

What's wrong with that?

It's not ok to feel obliged to give to x charity because y authority SUGGESTS it.

Note: it is ultimately a SUGGESTION. It is not a directive.

We maintain the right to object and say no. If you want to give to charity, this doesn't stop you.

It's perfectly acceptable to say "I feel unable to give to this charity because of this reason. My child will still be participating in not uniform day so they are not excluded however I will be making a personal donation to Z charity instead"

What the fuck do you think the school are going to do if you say that? Exclude your kid? Ostracise them? You'd have good grounds for a serious complaint if they object in anyway.

It's your money. They can't extort it from you nor emotionally blackmail you for it.

That all depends how 'woman' is interpreted which again relies on individual subjectivity.

That’s the trouble, love. It doesn’t.

If you are relying on school to teach the lesson of charitable giving them you need to have a word with yourself. School is not the only outlet for charitable giving. You can do so on your own terms quite easily.

It is for a lot of parents who don't know, don't care or don't have the time or money to model it. Children also learn better from personal experiences outside of the home a school can provide.

Indeed I think it's important to learn the lessons of saying no when you feel uncomfortable with something rather than going along with peer pressure and being willing to go against the grain for something you feel strongly about. Charity giving due to this need for conformity or not rocking the boat is not freely giving - it's giving under duress. There's much to unpack in terms of consent.

Then do it consistently or don't do it at all. But I suspect its only when the word 'trans' is in the mix that 'suddenly' it becomes about 'consent'. I'd bet my house that the OP wouldn't be the least concerned otherwise.

I am getting exceptionally frustrated by the sheer number of threads on MN where the OP has a perfectly legitimate and fair reason to say no, but they are frankly too wet to do it. Sometimes at significant personal cost.
It's deeply unhealthy.

This is reality of the human condition though. Most people are always weighing the trade offs of when to speak & when not to so its hardly exclusive to trans rights. We are all individuals after all & as such need to accept our differences if we want to live together. You just can't have it both ways where you can dismiss another's rights to values & expect them to be civil with you.

And its not as if there aren't other avenues to advocate for/against a cause that they need to disrupt the school system's basic responsibility of teaching children about the value of charity & social cohesion.

Ultimately this issue is about framing. It's not selling out your values to accept others have a right to them as well. Now that's a valuable lesson the OP could teach her child about this situation.

What's wrong with a parent making decisions for other parents? Seriously???

If it's supporting a charity that's out of step with government guidance and policy, hell yes!

Yawn.

And this is why this country is a mess. Apathy and not being willing to rock the boat when something is obviously wrong.

We reap what we sow.

There was a time when supporting gay/women's/black charities/support groups was out of step with government guidance & policy.

Hiding behind laws as some sort of proof of universal human rights is just illogical particularly given they aren't held consistently in other similar cultures.