The gerbils had spent three days preparing for the Gerbil World Cup draw. Nobody knew why it had taken three days. The entire draw could probably have been completed in four minutes. Unfortunately, four minutes was not how gerbils approached international sporting events.
A large map of the world had been pinned to the wall. A second map of the world had been pinned to the first map because Geography had decided the original map lacked sufficient geographical detail. A third map had then been added by Gazetteer, who considered both previous maps “unhelpfully map-like.”
Nobody knew what that meant.
The draw itself took place in the Grand Hall, which was actually a storeroom. Granite had constructed an official draw machine from a biscuit tin, two teaspoons, string, and a level of confidence unsupported by engineering principles. It rattled ominously.
“Perfect,” said Granite.
Inside the tin were folded slips of paper containing the names of countries. All 48 participating nations had been selected according to a rigorous process involving geography, football history, flag attractiveness, and whether a gerbil happened to like the sound of the name.
Glyph climbed onto the table. “As Chair of the International Gerbil Football Federation—”
“When were you elected?” asked Gosling.
“I appointed myself this morning.”
“Fair enough.”
Glyph nodded. “Let the draw begin.”
Granite turned the handle. The machine immediately detached from the table and rolled across the floor. Six gerbils chased it. One collided with a chair. Another disappeared behind a curtain. The biscuit tin struck a wall and burst open.
Forty-eight countries scattered across the room. There was a brief silence.
“Well,” said Glyph. “The countries appear to have drawn themselves.”
Nobody could fault the logic.
Twenty minutes later, after recovering Uruguay from beneath a bookcase and locating Morocco inside a slipper, eight groups of four countries were finally assembled.
Gingersnap raised a paw. “Can Scotland play England in the final?”
“No.”
“Then the draw is flawed.”
Gazetteer was already drawing arrows and possible knockout routes. Granite had begun building a trophy. Glyph was preparing an opening ceremony involving bunting. Gingersnap was attempting to learn all the national anthems simultaneously. And somewhere in the back of the room, Gussie had become trapped inside the draw machine. Again.
Gloopy said, “There are only 32 teams, not 48.”
The International Gerbil Football Federation immediately launched an inquiry. The inquiry concluded that sixteen countries had been omitted. The inquiry also concluded that the same gerbils responsible for organising the draw had been appointed to investigate it. No further action was taken.
The second draw took forty-three minutes and somehow resulted in Gussie being trapped inside the draw machine twice. The gerbils immediately forgot about competitive balance and spent the next hour arguing over which flags looked best.
Gingersnap remained furious that Scotland and England could not meet in the final. Granite insisted this was exactly the sort of thing knockout rounds were invented to solve.
Nobody listened.
The Gerbil World Cup was officially underway. 🏆🐹⚽
https://myrtlelion.substack.com/p/the-draw