DelusionalBeliefSystemMaintainedByBullying ·
20/04/2026 07:52
A man who directed a friend group to start using they/them pronouns and calling him Ashley reports he received the following private message from a friend. I’m pasting the whole thing in, because it hits so many good points that I don’t see allowed on Reddit and because I’m guessing it will be deleted. It might be fake, but if not, it seems a sign of spreading sanity and willingness to speak up.
Predictable responses here.
Response from Peter in private chat:
Ok, it's time for my portion of the serious conversation. I did consider having this conversation in person, but as you have displayed a pattern of preferring difficult conversations over text as well as my wanting to represent my thoughts exhaustively I'm choosing to at least start via text.
First, I want to emphasize this comes from a place of compassion, and I am duley interested in the best outcomes for everyone. That being said I want to make my stance known, as well as my reasoning. I've delayed hosting another magic session to ensure I've had enough time for contemplation; this includes well over a month of explicit research as well as a generally following the topic over the last 7 years. I have done a significant amount of reading, sought guidance from friends and family, and quite a bit of introspection to come to my conclusions. Among other things I have reviewed the SCOTUS argumentation for the transgender case last year, the Cass report, Yale's answer to the Cass report, John Money, and looked into a number of documentaries both pro and critical of gender ideology. I do remain open minded and welcome additional information and context, but at this time I consider myself reasonably well informed.
Originally, I was supportive of the trans movement, as it sought to draw parallels with the gay rights movement before it. I think the government shouldn't be involved in marriage at all. The fact remains that marriage does provide benefits from the government and equal protection demands everyone has the ability to enter in a marriage contract with the government. Easy to justify legally and personally because I don't actually care what sexual activity folks do privately as long as it involves consent, and doesn't involve kids, animals, or your blood relative, etc. However, after doing the best I can to educate myself, I've come to the conclusion that the trans movement is very different than gay rights. While gay rights involve fair treatment by the government, and doesn't involve private citizens; by contrast as you've displayed in the commander chat the trans movement requires all other private citizens to alter their behavior. Rainbows, bright outfits, flamboyant behavior, women's clothing don't actually make you gay or not gay, its simply an attraction to men and much like me and a lot of folks don't care for stoner culture while simultaneously enjoying weed you can be critical of a subculture or behavior without being hatful of the underlying sexual preference. This has been a source of consternation for me as I'm interested in supporting my friend, but I'm also interested in the truth and validating behavior I find worthwhile. In every other scenario in my life, validation, praise, and commendation are things I reserve for achievement, adding value to my life, or behavior I find virtuous like enriching the lives of others. I find myself unable to justify changing my behavior in this circumstance, though my mind remains open.
I need to address your behavior toward some women in my life. I've spoken with Marsha, and observed some of it myself. From what I've gathered you have a pattern of seeking validation from women. It happened with Cindy; it's now happening with Marsha, and it's not unreasonable to guess its expanded to others I'm unaware of as well. Marsha has made a conscious effort to include and socialize with you, and thus far you've made little to no effort to acknowledge her as a person. It's not a stretch to assume she's being used as a source of female validation due to the nature of your conversations, and lending her a book doesn't exactly expand your relationship to that level of intimacy. That alone may be fine, but a complicating factor is you're my friend and you regularly spend time at our house. So she feels less empowered than she should to state plainly the conversations are inappropriate for stage and nature of the friendship, so it comes off as one sided and demeaning. She is more than just a woman, she is an actual person with feelings, hobbies, ideas, and character. She remains open to friendship in an earnest and reciprocal capacity, but not as a validation source.
Marsha shared with me a number of concerning things you've discussed:
Keeping track of misgendering -This is a grievance (or victim) mindset, and not particularly constructive. I get misgendered by my mail weekly.
Seeking validation from a credit card, legal name, or government identification - None of these things can love or accept you, they represent nothing particularly worthwhile. No accomplishment, no merit, no virtue. Rather than becoming a better person, living up to your ideals this looks like a shortcut to additional validation. As in Romeo and Juliet "A rose by any other name...", in this case nothing really changes and seeking any validation from a soulless credit card company that will happily remove its "pride flag" logo in Saudi Arabia is nonsensical when thought through.
Your emphasis on therapy to get hormones - As someone who has dealt with mental illness most of my life, I implore you to seek non-affirming help from medical professionals, at least as part of your process. Medication and surgery is a last resort, and what I've found when scouring the evidence is the procedures are risky with lifelong side effects and the resulting mental health outcomes are mixed at the absolute best. Minnesota has a law that, while not explicitly forbidding any treatment that is non-affirming it is worded ambiguously enough that most practices will not want to risk the lawsuit. Thus, you will have to explicitly seek to have your gender and source of unhappiness assertions challenged. Failing to be challenged can and does result in gender identity disorder or autogynephilia masking root cause and comorbidities. If you do ultimately choose to proceed with hormones or surgery, I hope it's after visiting a clinical psychologist, one or more therapists, and perhaps a psychiatrist and exhaustively exploring all other possible coping mechanisms. However, you need to figure out if the problem you want to solve is not feeling comfortable, not being happy, or anything else. Regardless nobody else is responsible for your happiness, so folks choosing not to participate in gender affirmation shouldn't hold sway over your self-worth. If you are considering medical intervention and the desired outcome is centered around other people's behavior that indicates a deeply flawed and concerning mindset in my opinion.
The idea that men can be women is demonstrably untrue. There have been plenty of ill applied nuance, reclassifying mental disorders, bullying, and other word gymnastics like gender vs. sex. to force others like me who mostly don't wish to participate to capitulate. It won't change the fact that a woman is an adult human female.
I find it very Orwellian particularly "2+2=5" that stating men and women are different is somehow phobic or otherwise unkind. Much like the fat acceptance movement with the mantra "healthy at any size" was measurably untrue; I find the same here. I see little difference between the flat earth movement and the trans movement, particularly because both offer a community of likeminded people, a sense of belonging, with an emphasis on "debunking" established norms or measurable reality. I remain open to being convinced otherwise, but at this time all the evidence I've come across, all the arguments for and against lead me to this conclusion. Much like I wouldn't feel comfortable validating that an obese friend of mine were "healthy" or feeding them unhealthy food at my house, calling an anorexic person fat to suit their image of themselves, or condoning or assisting in a depressed persons suicide, I don't feel comfortable participating in the validation you've requested. Validation is based on virtue or accomplishment. I hope I'm wrong and you've done the work, the introspection, but I'm not seeing evidence of it and you have not shared anything with me to indicate it. The baseline mental health recommendations involve regular exercise, sleep, and a healthy balanced diet I hope you are making efforts on that front.
You've inadvertently (or perhaps purposely) coopted our commander meetups. Rather than slinging spells with the bros, we have pivoted to that PLUS validating YOU. Now, no matter how supportive each of our friends is, to comply with your request requires them to navigate complex board states in magic while also making sure to have you, your feelings, and your pronouns in their head. Now, the typical argument is it's not a big ask, which at face value I do agree. However, if like me someone does not believe men can ever become women then it constitutes capitulation to a falsehood to at best placate someone else and at worst helps facilitate a path forward focused on ill justified medicalization. It's also more work; you are now more work to be around while complying with your request. I don't want to imply you are not worth it, I want to draw attention to the absolute fact that a willing adjustment requires a deliberate and conscious effort that includes corrections and negative feelings for erring. That I will not require at my house, so those who wish to participate and seek your pronoun reminders are welcome to, but it will not be required in my home. I'm aware I have undue control because I typically like hosting people for a verity of events including commander, which is a reason why I have not made any of this known in the commander chat yet. I also don't want you to feel attacked or excluded. If you choose not to participate, or you wish to host/facilitate your own events with particular emphasis on your preference you are well within your rights to do so, as are the others who host in our commander group. The point is everyone is making their own choice while being respectful to each other and our autonomy as individuals.
I realize that my statements revolve around me, my thoughts, and my behavior. I'm aware that although I believe your request does invite feedback, the majority I've provided was not actually solicited. In short, I realize you didn't ask. I do feel the need to explain myself and my actions carefully and thoroughly though to ensure clear communication regarding a sensitive topic. It is not out of arrogance, a hatred of you or anyone else, or some sense of moral superiority. It is not to indicate that I expect you or anyone else to accept my point of view. It does however, constitute a manifestation of a distinct fact. That we can only control ourselves, our own actions, thoughts, and feelings and nobody else's.
So to be clear, I remain your friend, and I'll continue to invite you to relevant events I host. I expect you to apologize to Marsha for the way you've behaved thus far. Marsha does seem genuinely open to reciprocal friendship. Finally, and notably unless more information changes my mind, I'll not participate in a new nickname. I also wouldn't call Greg "Bill" or any extra name I don't want to participate in; in a vacuum a nearly 40 year old person changing their name looks more like a midlife crisis to me than anything else, and due to the concerns I've already noted I don't feel comfortable participating. If it is truly a request, then at this time I am declining.
I hope you find sustainable happiness regardless of anything else, and I hope we remain friends.