Page 4 | My son's girlfriend and pronouns

Smallorveryfaraway · 07/04/2026 20:56

BootMaker · 07/04/2026 20:00

I think, I actually upset a young woman who uses pronouns interchangeably because that's their wheelhouse.

There's a cognitive dissonance there because my feminism was forged in the fire of 60's and 70's feminism and being at Greenham Common with my mother. And my childhood next door neighbours were a lesbian couple of art restorers that my sister and I used to bother all the time and they'd invite us in for tea where we drank Earl Grey in the drawing room and then looked at their studio at all the marvellous things they were restoring and then I'd take them round to mine to show them the frogs in my pond.

And they were definitely a pair of women who loved and lived together (and still do nearly 50 years on).

And what annoys me greatly is that young women want to, or feel they are able to identify out of being female.

That shit runs deep.

One cannot identify in or out of womanhood, no matter how dirty, of messy, or difficult it is, we're in it.

So better so accept that and get on with being a woman rather than muck about with pronouns.

That's my point.

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If you think you upset her then it's fine to have another conversation to check, and perhaps clarify that after reflection you are understanding yourself a bit better having had the conversation, which is valuable.
I think conversations are important, and I don't agree its cringey or embarrassing as a pp thinks. I think open conversations are how we understand each others views. There's no obligation to agree at the end of it.
If we avoid topics then we miss opportunities.

Original poster

BootMaker · 07/04/2026 21:02

Smallorveryfaraway · 07/04/2026 20:56

If you think you upset her then it's fine to have another conversation to check, and perhaps clarify that after reflection you are understanding yourself a bit better having had the conversation, which is valuable.
I think conversations are important, and I don't agree its cringey or embarrassing as a pp thinks. I think open conversations are how we understand each others views. There's no obligation to agree at the end of it.
If we avoid topics then we miss opportunities.

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Yes!

I think it's important to have the conversation.

OP posts:

BonfireLady · 07/04/2026 22:05

OP, you're back!

I've just read all your posts, after receiving a notification that you had replied to one of mine. It sounds like it's been quite an intense time with your son and his partner staying.

It's interesting that your son doesn't describe himself as gay, yet his partner has a (self-declared) male gender identity. Obviously your son isn't gay in factual terms.. because his partner is female. Do they both perhaps describe themselves as "queer"? This word seems to cover most straight relationships where nobody is claiming to be gay but at least one person identifies as something other than their sex. Of course there are also examples where heterosexual people do claim to be gay e.g. transwomen who are solely attracted to females and say they are lesbians.

Personally, I'd stick with as much pronoun avoidance as possible and swerve the topics of gender identity, sexual orientation and feminism as much as possible. It seems unlikely that you will find common ground on any of these topics. Hopefully they have other things they want to talk to you about 🤞🤞

BonfireLady · 07/04/2026 22:13

BootMaker · 07/04/2026 21:02

Yes!

I think it's important to have the conversation.

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Just seen this...

If you think it's important to have the conversation with your son and/or his partner then you should go for it. If your son was the one at risk of permanent harm (e.g. due to cross-sex hormones), I can fully see why you'd want to do so. Obviously I'm not in your situation so my suggestion to avoid these topics doesn't necessarily take in all the relevant information.

This is a very fair point:

I think conversations are important, and I don't agree its cringey or embarrassing as a pp thinks. I think open conversations are how we understand each others views. There's no obligation to agree at the end of it.

But I would still be wary that this kind of conversation could lead to a strained relationship between you and your son.

Original poster

BootMaker · 07/04/2026 22:14

BonfireLady · 07/04/2026 22:05

OP, you're back!

I've just read all your posts, after receiving a notification that you had replied to one of mine. It sounds like it's been quite an intense time with your son and his partner staying.

It's interesting that your son doesn't describe himself as gay, yet his partner has a (self-declared) male gender identity. Obviously your son isn't gay in factual terms.. because his partner is female. Do they both perhaps describe themselves as "queer"? This word seems to cover most straight relationships where nobody is claiming to be gay but at least one person identifies as something other than their sex. Of course there are also examples where heterosexual people do claim to be gay e.g. transwomen who are solely attracted to females and say they are lesbians.

Personally, I'd stick with as much pronoun avoidance as possible and swerve the topics of gender identity, sexual orientation and feminism as much as possible. It seems unlikely that you will find common ground on any of these topics. Hopefully they have other things they want to talk to you about 🤞🤞

Makes sense!

It makes sense.

Also breaks me heart.

I get it.

OP posts:

Original poster

BootMaker · 07/04/2026 22:16

BonfireLady · 07/04/2026 22:05

OP, you're back!

I've just read all your posts, after receiving a notification that you had replied to one of mine. It sounds like it's been quite an intense time with your son and his partner staying.

It's interesting that your son doesn't describe himself as gay, yet his partner has a (self-declared) male gender identity. Obviously your son isn't gay in factual terms.. because his partner is female. Do they both perhaps describe themselves as "queer"? This word seems to cover most straight relationships where nobody is claiming to be gay but at least one person identifies as something other than their sex. Of course there are also examples where heterosexual people do claim to be gay e.g. transwomen who are solely attracted to females and say they are lesbians.

Personally, I'd stick with as much pronoun avoidance as possible and swerve the topics of gender identity, sexual orientation and feminism as much as possible. It seems unlikely that you will find common ground on any of these topics. Hopefully they have other things they want to talk to you about 🤞🤞

But thank you.

That's a reasonable thought.

OP posts:

Hedgehogforshort · 07/04/2026 22:16

i am sort of with bonfire. They are very young, so she will be gone eventually.

Original poster

BootMaker · 07/04/2026 22:18

Hedgehogforshort · 07/04/2026 22:16

i am sort of with bonfire. They are very young, so she will be gone eventually.

I understand @BonfireLady.

It makes sense to talk rather than not.

OP posts:

Bobbymoore123 · 08/04/2026 09:07

BootMaker · 05/04/2026 02:07

I have a wonderful son, and he has a wonderful girlfriend who calls herself 'him'.

We had what I thought was a great conversation about performative femininity and there are many ways to be a woman.

But I don't think we did.

Imagine for a second that you might be wrong.

Original poster

BootMaker · 10/04/2026 00:06

Bobbymoore123 · 08/04/2026 09:07

Imagine for a second that you might be wrong.

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I actually have. I understand I can be bombastic and dogmatic, and I understand that young people think very differently for very many reasons.

So it behoves me to examine my feelings regarding all these matters.

And always leave the possibility for change, and understanding.

I will not ever capitulate with matters regarding biological sex, but I understand that young people get swept up with genderism and this causes difficulty with understanding each other.

I do listen and take on board what people say.

OP posts: