Adult daughter dating trans-identified male, struggling to navigate family concerns

[BlueLegume]

Good morning all. I am normally rooted over on the Elderly parents threads. Just as I thought life couldn’t get more difficult it has. A week ago my adult daughter told us she was in a relationship with someone who identifies as male. This person was born female - daughter troped out the ‘gender assigned at birth’ nonsense. She has utterly ripped the family apart as she clearly has drunk the kool aid and cannot understand our concerns.

She has a great job, we are normal family where she says she has always felt safe and is loved.

Any advice welcome navigating this. Happy to answer questions but I will caveat this post with the following:

I am a sex realist. I hate the term gender critical.
I do not buy gender ideology. I think it is a term being used to expect society to accept trans etc off the back of the hard won rights for lesbians and gay men.

I do not believe anyone can change sex.

The ‘be kind’ mantra is a weaponised term to justify the nonsense.

Advice welcome.

As always with kids pick your battles. If this woman is making her happy fot now then tell her you are happy she is happy. You are willing to respect her partners belief by referring to her by her chosen name and you'll avoid referring to her as she. Ask her in what other way she wants you to treat her partner differently because she wants to be seen as male? You wont, for example, buy her female clothing, perfume or make up because that would be disrespectful. Tell her you expect respect for your belief by no trying to force you to refer to her as he.

You son and daughter's relationship would change anyway as partners enter the mix. Try to encourage him to see that your daughter will need support later if this relationship breaks down. Ask him to avoid the topic if he can and if not to focus on the controlling nature of the relationship as his concern not someone else's surgery. If the woman wished to push tra lines - as these young people often do ignore, sorry I dont find that interesting or I have to go now.

It's perfectly normal to be concerned that your child is with someone who is both mentally unwell and controlling with it but you have to let them make their own mistakes.

I would get round this by just using the persons name, did Sam like the cake today and is Sam going to take some home

Is Sam ready to jump in the car yet, is Sam dropping you off

So all the bits where you would normally say 'is Sam going to take some home with him', you leave off the 'with him'

I cant do it either OP

It will fizzle out because I believe that 'Sam' is probably quite emotionally unstable and probably isnt able to fulfill a long term relationship. Sadly

Why does the dynamic not feel safe? Has her partner done or said anything to suggest he is abusive or controlling?

I think you are seeing your daughter's partner as a representation of gender idiology rather than as an individual. Can you try and separate the two in your mind?

How would you deal with any other individual that follows a belief system that you don't?

Also, does this person treat your daughter kindly and with respect? I think that's the most important thing.

Not a 'him'. This new partner is a 'her'. Always using her name is a handy way to avoid the pronoun debacle.

Trans men are women. Both according to science/truth/facts, and legally under the Equality Act 2010. Trans men are biologically female, and will always be women. Humans cannot change their sex.

How did she get the money to pay for private breast removal? I take it her family support this?

I very much agree with this - I have to separate the ideology from my children, despite sometimes feeling very angry. As another person said, they are victims. I see it as them being in a cult and by maintaining a good relationship with them I am hopefully demonstrating that terfs aren't the evil-doers that their fellow cult-members claim we are. This is particularly important with my trans-identifying child as it is so common for non-compliant parents to be cut off.

I think you're letting your beliefs get in the way of your love for your daughter and I think you will lose the relationship with her over this. If holding on to your beliefs are more important than this relationship then keep going. Otherwise consider changing tack.

I have a few thoughts on this.

Firstly, I am also a sex realist with an adult lesbian daughter. Our relationship was fine until she got into a serious relationship with a younger lesbian.

I’m not sure whether it was that younger lesbian who convinced her, or whether she was introduced to the “LGBT+ community” who did it, but my sex realist views, which she had previously ignored/tolerated, suddenly became unbearable to her. She became increasingly angry with me and finally cut me out of her life a couple of years ago. Transactivism unfortunately increasingly targets supportive mothers and I have found I am far from the only one affected this way, so please take care. I didn’t expect it could happen to me because I’d always had a great relationship with her, but it did.

On the other hand, there are increasing numbers of young, especially butch, lesbians who have transitioned. I know other young lesbians who are in relationships with them and seem happy, though obviously anyone who has self-harmed in this way does show evidence of mental health challenges. It is going to become increasingly common though and may be hard to avoid as there are so many complications growing up as a young lesbian in the current climate.

If my daughter chose a woman who had transitioned as a partner, I would want to be supportive of them both. This might be complicated if they became intensely transactivist, but having transitioned would, in itself, not be a stumbling block, if that was the partner my daughter had chosen.

Sorry this is something you’re having to face. Rightly or wrongly, I’d be much less worried if my daughter was in a relationship with a FtM transitioner than MtF, which was what I assumed from your thread title. There may be mental illness there, but hopefully less chance of personality disorder, which studies suggest is a common comorbidity in AGP men in particular.

The NHS is (or was) performing over a thousand bilateral mastectomies per year on trans identifying females.

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2025/02/10/revealed-thousands-of-trans-surgeries-carried-out-by-nhs/

You’re not at all respectful of anyone who isn’t agreeing with you on this thread, which doesn’t bode well for your discussions on this issue with your daughter and/or her partner. She’s an adult, presumably in love, and if you behave in a manner they find offensive, they’ll likely vote with their feet.

If it were my child, I’d find a different hill to die on.

Thank you. I guess deep down I know I have no option here as this is the gender ideology playbook. - well yes, but it is also your daughter. It is not about theory, or lies; it is about making sure you are there for your DD. You can do this without lying - you do not have to shout your views from the rooftop or negate your own standpoint in order to just zip the lip and be kind.

His profession means he is guided by medical ethics and he feels the HCP/surgeons who are going along with gender affirming care (mutilation and abuse of power) are the root of what will be seen as a medical scandal of a generation in the near future. - I don't doubt that he is right, but voicing this does not help achieve the main aim of maintaining a good relationship with your DD that will mean you are there for her when it all comes crashing down. If you have signalled yourself too loudly as the enemy she will be bereft of your care as you will be estranged.

I had no idea of that, thats disgusting and unethical.

What next, gastric surgery for girls who say they are fat when they're not.

Exactly. the reality is there are millions of people up and down the country living in silence on this matter because you dare not voice it. Either because your employer is captured and you have to go along with it or because your family member is engaged with it and you want to maintain a relationship.

I think that's a little unfair. The OP has been perfectly respectful towards me afaic

Changing tack isn’t really a choice. I cannot stop my lifelong understanding of sex and sexuality at will. I believe gender ideology is a current, pervasive form of mass psychosis. Unless new evidence is provided that demonstrates there is some scientific basis for “gender identity” then I can’t suddenly change my assessment, however much easier my life would be.

Stepping back from campaigning for women’s rights in the face of transactivism might have been possible, but I don’t think it would have been enough. Transactvists require full belief in their views and there is literally nothing I could do that would convince my daughter I had changed my mind.

She would know I was lying, not least because I don’t really believe she is a true believer herself. I think she is doing what I did for years and giving in to insidious coercive control, for fear of losing her relationship.

You don’t have to give up your beliefs to welcome someone into your family with different beliefs. This is called "agreeing to disagree" and it's how people with different beliefs have been getting along for millenia.

Let it run its course.

Is this person kind to your daughter?
In all other aspects is this a loving relationship built on mutual respect?

Concentrate on the personality for now not any identities or gender issues.

If your daughter has already had a number of relationships it's reasonably likely that this is just her latest one. They've not announced they are getting married or moving in together.

Just be pleasant, polite, get to know the person when you see them (perhaps stick to names not pronouns) and be supportive of your daughter. There's no need to interfere with another adult's relationships unless they put someone in danger and that's not the case here.

Are you the OP

In any case you dont have to mention it at all, it doesnt have to be a discussion point

Thats why people talk about weather and potholes.

Having been through a similar situation OP, a girlfriend who was a female non-binary person, you have my sympathy about concerns for potential mental health issues. However, in this case, as others have said, it really is important to focus on the individual here.

You don’t have to use pronouns. Of course, it is no small thing despite others who will tell you differently. But face to face, it is not an issue. And in discussions without the person there, well that will be uncomfortable. My child told me I was transphobic because I didn’t use the demanded pronouns.

I pointed out that the person had been over at our house often and even stayed here more than once. Plus we had long conversations without any problems while the person was here. They were as welcome as any friend. Why did I have to use language demanded by someone?

In the end, to stop the wedge that was forming, I stopped using any pronoun and used the person’s name. No, it isn’t harmless but it is a decision that had to be made.

The romantic relationship fizzled because of the mental health aspect. It wasn’t abusive though.

Our adult children will, of course, make choices that are not the best for their future. Just as we ourselves do.

@likelysuspect I am the OP why did you ask @PriOn1 if they were me?

You have a right to your opinion but in this case you need to keep it to yourself and hold your tongue.

What is the partner like? Are they are good person ? Is the relationship loving?

But honestly even if she was going out with a violent drug dealer; your reaction is only going to serve to push her away. Keep your relationship intact, this could fizzle out but it could remain a lasting wedge between you.

Perhaps you missed my previous post, where I explained my daughter and I disagreed for some years, while continuing to have a good loving relationship, until someone taught her that my views meant I was evil and not to be tolerated
and therefore must be cut out of her life.

I think you misunderstand what I’m saying.

Your title says your DD is dating a biological male.

You meant female, but that’s not what your title says. It says the opposite of what you wished it to say. A trans-identifying male is a biological male, not a biological female.

Maybe you could ask MN to edit?

Can confirm we are different people.