Adult daughter dating trans-identified male, struggling to navigate family concerns

[BlueLegume]

Good morning all. I am normally rooted over on the Elderly parents threads. Just as I thought life couldn’t get more difficult it has. A week ago my adult daughter told us she was in a relationship with someone who identifies as male. This person was born female - daughter troped out the ‘gender assigned at birth’ nonsense. She has utterly ripped the family apart as she clearly has drunk the kool aid and cannot understand our concerns.

She has a great job, we are normal family where she says she has always felt safe and is loved.

Any advice welcome navigating this. Happy to answer questions but I will caveat this post with the following:

I am a sex realist. I hate the term gender critical.
I do not buy gender ideology. I think it is a term being used to expect society to accept trans etc off the back of the hard won rights for lesbians and gay men.

I do not believe anyone can change sex.

The ‘be kind’ mantra is a weaponised term to justify the nonsense.

Advice welcome.

Also OP if it helps.

Re my above scenario, a question I ask myself is, does this just offend me or does it impact anything real?

That helps me pick my battles.

Example: BIL: "yadda yadda swivel eyed nonsense about vaccines". Me: "yeah... lots of discussion about that atm... OH I meant to ask, did DNiece pass her music exam?"

Example: BIL and Dsis contact my mum during lockdown to try and scare her into not getting a vaccine. Then I intervene.

It's exhausting but I do think there is a risk of damaging the relationship so I modulate my responses.

You don’t have to hold the belief. Just accept the fact your daughter does. Nobody is forcing you to do anything. Let your daughter be, you don’t own her and can’t control her.

Thank you. I guess deep down I know I have no option here as this is the gender ideology playbook. And yes for those of you thinking that is a bigoted view, that is your opinion. I prefer to be guided by science not feels.

In terms of those posters thinking I am ‘dramatic’. Again your view. The thought of my daughter losing what was an incredibly close relationship with her brother is heartbreaking. Dramatic maybe but the truth.

His profession means he is guided by medical ethics and he feels the HCP/surgeons who are going along with gender affirming care (mutilation and abuse of power) are the root of what will be seen as a medical scandal of a generation in the near future.

I have never lied to my kids about important issues and I am not inclined to be cajoled into a lie now for the sake of someone with clear mental health issues.

Judging from the interactions I have had with my daughter she is intoxicated in this relationship as we tend to be in the early days. I am not sure I equate that to her being happy, probably just swept up in an exciting relationship.

It’s interesting being advised to let her be accept or I will lose our relationship if I don’t. That is exactly how this ideology operates. Do as we say, zero debate, zero science. It looks like narcissism dressed up to me.

It's how navigating all adult children's relationships work.

You only have to look at the relationship boards to see this.

I am thoroughly gender critical and think the whole trans thing is utter bollocks, but you need to calm the fuck down or you will destroy your relationship.

Trans is all over our family life (sister of DIL, girlfriend of our son, another son identifying as trans) and we have great relationships with all of them. I tread a careful path between not upsetting them and also not betraying my own beliefs by using incorrect pronouns. It is perfectly possible.

You need to set aside your feelings and accept that your daughter feels differently to you. Your daughter will choose this person over you, don't let it come to that.

I think it's more experience that posters are sharing rather than narcissism.

A glance at many threads on the Relationships board show countless women caught up in toxic relationships and family members desperately trying to maintain supportive relationships for when the whole thing collapses. Adult children will make their own decisions and sometimes they'll be bad ones.

Our job is to walk alongside our children (if they let us 😃) and support them along the way. Swooping in and insisting that this is the wrong decision for them should be used incredibly rarely (risk to life, criminal activity?).

I would be concerned if my daughter had any sort of relationship with someone so clearly suffering from mental health issues. However you will have to find a way to hold your own boundaries whilst not forcing your daughter away. Explain yourself, clearly and calmly and state what your own boundaries actually are. She is an adult, you can't stop her.

@MotherofPufflings great post. how on earth have we ended up with this ideology so embedded in society?

I found this piece interesting https://www.heritage.org/gender/commentary/transgender-ideology-riddled-contradictions-here-are-the-big-ones

It's a total head fuck and I cannot understand why my otherwise highly intelligent, critically thinking adult children go along with it. To an extent I think that it's a form of rebellion and there's nothing that makes people dig their heels in more than arguing. So I don't. They're aware of my views but I hope that by not making it a big deal between us that it gives them space to back down in the future. We'll see.

I totally agree with your POV (including about the narcissisnm) but I think you need to take a step back here and let your DD get on with it. You've brought her up to be sensible; now you have to trust her. She knows how you feel. Call this person by their name. It should be possible to avoid pronouns, but in your shoes I'd bite my tongue and say he if necessary.
Hopefully it'll blow over.

The good thing is that your DD is lesbian or bi, an the new partner is bio female, so there is no social coercion on that front.

I do agree that person with such a huge issues doesn't seem as the most perspective long term partner.

Statistics are on your side, just don't push your DD away.

If you and the family would use They and treat the partner as generic Human, would it work for everyone?

Don't get involved,she's an adult,let her crack on with it .
You don't have to be dragged in to the lunacy
Just accept the person she's shagging and treat them with the respect you would any other partner.

Christ..
I thought being a doctor meant ,first do no harm ...
What sort of doctors remove healthy breasts ..

@Roryrabbit these people seem happy removing healthy breasts …..https://www.cadoganclinic.com/cosmetic-surgery/gender-surgery/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=19600903806&gbraid=0AAAAADpHnuvtp2wyxSgnVydhA7YMcEE98&gclid=Cj0KCQjwmunNBhDbARIsAOndKplMRlUjx_U5uvLWGEPEd4FBcEm93fIUjRd81Tp9SWB2GXwWWG5ajbAaArUoEALw_wcB

It really isn’t though. People of a different religion don’t generally require everyone else changes how they speak about things. Adherents to trans ideology expect everyone to use things like preferred pronouns etc even where they don’t reflect reality.

OP not the same I know but my son’s partner is basically a heterosexual female who identifies as NB. Nice enough girl but I basically told my son at the outset I wouldn’t be an arse about it, but there was no way I was calling her “them”.

I’d look at this young girl as a victim of gender ideology not a perpetrator. She doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. Privately feel sorry for her, in person show her that you see her as person with interests and a personality, not a gender.

Young relationships never last long, she won’t be in your lives forever.

Just use her name rather than them and they or he. Practice your “this is not at all shocking to me” face.

breasts are not limbs...

I'm sorry op your daughter hasnt ripped family apart is she happy and if she is that's all that matters. What you think or say doesn't really matter as it's your daughter who is with him

Yes, your OP made it clear but I agree with pp that your title is confusing.

A trans-identified male is a biological male, a transwoman. It’s a term GC people sometimes use as it makes biological sex clear.
You meant a trans-identified female.

Religion is exactly the example we use when explaining to our kids that while they're free to choose which words they use, they can't compel us to also use them. So if my son wants to describe the woman he's seeing as "he/him" that's up to him, but we won't. However, we respect that she finds it offensive for us to use the words "she/her". So we work around this, using her gender-neutral name more than feels natural in conversation 😆

Ok breasts aren’t limbs but they are body parts @idkbroidk
@Leahrosemary obfuscate all you like. A man is a man - as determined at conception. A woman is a woman - as determined at conception. My daughter is dating a woman. That’s the sentence I want to use and am happy to. I wish them all the happiness but it’s a relationship built on a lie that this person is a man.

I though MN used ‘trans indented male’ to mean a trans woman? Does it mean a trans man now?

How confusing 🫤

I would probably feel the same way as you in your position @BlueLegume, but honestly what can you do? You are not going to change your daughter's mind. You either have a very different (ie. distant possibly broken) relationship with her from now on, or you do your best with her new partner for the sake of keeping her in your life. I think it really is an either or situation, unfortunately.

I am so sad about the number of young lesbians who think they are trans. A girl in her early 20s in my wider family has died in excrutiatingly sad circumstances because of this.

Even my 48 year old butch lesbian sister has said she thinks she would be wondering if she was trans if she were born 20 or 30 years later. She is very grateful for that not being the case!

OP tbh if you deem your adult daughter getting into a relationship with a trans male as "ripping the family apart" then you are the one that should seek therapy not her. It's a very extreme reaction.