Adult daughter dating trans-identified male, struggling to navigate family concerns

[BlueLegume]

Good morning all. I am normally rooted over on the Elderly parents threads. Just as I thought life couldn’t get more difficult it has. A week ago my adult daughter told us she was in a relationship with someone who identifies as male. This person was born female - daughter troped out the ‘gender assigned at birth’ nonsense. She has utterly ripped the family apart as she clearly has drunk the kool aid and cannot understand our concerns.

She has a great job, we are normal family where she says she has always felt safe and is loved.

Any advice welcome navigating this. Happy to answer questions but I will caveat this post with the following:

I am a sex realist. I hate the term gender critical.
I do not buy gender ideology. I think it is a term being used to expect society to accept trans etc off the back of the hard won rights for lesbians and gay men.

I do not believe anyone can change sex.

The ‘be kind’ mantra is a weaponised term to justify the nonsense.

Advice welcome.

TBF, you only want to agree with those who agree 🤷‍♀️

When it comes to my own children what matters the most is that they’re with someone who is geuine , kind & respectful.
I think that should go without saying being honest.
Two people who bring the best out in one another .

@scientista Does your child try to force their fantasy on other people? Do they insist that other people must use the pronouns they want? Are they using facilities that are not appropriate for their sex and making others uncomfortable? If not, crack on and live their best life. If they are then they are not a lovely child, they are a controlling bully.

It's a bit more complicated than "Your daughter doesnt really love her family if she is willing to go along with this."

From my personal experience, I'm sure my son does love us (DW and me), but he seems to have persuaded himself, or been persuaded, that we don't really love him. If we "really" loved him, we would "accept her as she is". Which, of course, makes no sense whatever to us, knowing that we have a son not a daughter. But even those family members who happily use his choice of name and desired pronouns are just as out of touch with him. He seems to be hanging on to his family by a thread, despite the power of the ideology.

If you accept that your dd is gay then that’s what she is. You know, and she knows, and her partner knows that she is in a gay relationship. The fact that they are both in denial about the partners sex is a bit disturbing as it implies both a degree of coercive influence from the partner and a lack of common sense from your daughter, but assuming that your dd is capable of making independent decisions and isn’t vulnerable mentally then you need to take a deep breath and stop being so dramatic.

There is nothing you can do about it. Avoid using pronouns that stick in your throat about the partner ( can’t do much about the name they have chosen if it is overtly masculine) and try to focus on the quality of the relationship, is the partner kind, is your dd happy.

Hi, you don’t need to patronise me and educate me. I understand the situation and I believe people can’t change sex.
But this is a situation we are in and I love my daughter with all my heart. She is a girl and uses a boys name. She is not going in men’s toilets and she is not telling people off for using the wrong pronouns.
it’s horrible hearing you all say that these kids are controlling and fantasising and how awful it would be for their child to be in a relationship with someone like mine.i know id much rather a trans kid than a hateful person.
its not easy all this. Maybe have consideration for those parents and trans people when you say they’re all mentally ill and coercive. It really isn’t as awful as you think it is, you can just have some consideration.

There are some people in the World who believe being gay is a choice, not how people are born.

OP would, rightly, argue against that claim.

It is interesting then that she is so adamant that trans people are just confused gay people and that she closed to the notion that she could be wrong.

Trans people have always happened, as gay people have.

It's one thing to rail against the current narrative around trans rights (trans women are women/forced use of pronouns etc) but in truth, OP will never know how a trans person truly feels and we should all remain open to hearing people's life experiences.

If we shut down discussion, we get nowhere.

I hope your child finds their way in the World and is HAPPY, as I also wish for OP and her family.

Thank you for your warm and thoughtful response

@JustSawJohnny thank you for your good wishes. We have come to an arrangement to ensure we still have our daughter in our life and she has us. She is clear that we will not change our stance on the situation. How she moves forward with that information is something we now have to wait and see as she still feels we are uneducated on how trans people feel about gender. I am digging very deep today.

Thank you @Inmyuggs

Why is my view disgusting and please point to my posts that have suggested that I think this?

Your second sentence is somewhat confusing but I think the gist of what you are saying is that I should accept anyone she is attracted to. I have at no point said I will not do this.

Your final sentence again is difficult to comprehend but I think the gist of it is that a friend of yours knows more than me and that their view is sacrosanct and overvalued to my concerns as a mother.

@viques sorry I didn’t respond to your post from yesterday. Just re read it and you make a lot of sense.

Any dramatic behaviour from me has been focused around both of their vulnerabilities and their vulnerability around some of the people they are mixing with. It has been a slow process I have watched over several years with her immersing herself in queer theory and taking a stance that anyone questioning the trans identity of various people is simply a hateful bigot. I have sat quietly and not got involved assuming that she may also be seeking out the other side of the debate. But she has not so is now redefining her lesbian identity, which I have always been happy for her, to fit the relationship with a woman saying she is male. Your points are sensible.

@scientista I have a young trans relative with a trans partner. They are the same sex. Both are suffering the adverse health effects of inappropriate medical procedures. They could, and should, have been happy, healthy, same sex attracted people. Naturally I wish them both to be happy - but they will never be as healthy as they could have been. So I know what someone gets into when they take a trans partner. Even if they are not trying to control everyone around them they will still have problems for the rest of their lives. They will also be living a lie for the rest of their life and that is exhausting. If they detransition they cant reverse all the changes. Maybe they'll have other qualities that make up for their issues - but it's going to be hard work.

Their attempts to portray themselves as a different sex also dont remove the problems that made them vulnerable to this ideology in the first place. It's very common for these young women not to realise exactly how much damage they are doing to their bodies. I hope your daughter gets some proper help to identify why she is unhappy with being a woman and realises before she harms herself permanently that this is not the way to deal with her problems.

Thanks @anyolddinosaur A cautionary tale of our apparently progressive world.

You may well not get the common sense sex reality responses as sadly with lack of any evidence we just have to accept we are bigoted and uneducated when actually many of us have followed the queer theory ideology and trans activism trying to socially engineer a society that has a very murky moral compass. But we are the problem, concerned parents and relatives.

I am truly of the mind that those of us with sex reality views care very deeply about the mental health of anyone thinking they can solve anxiety or mental health issues with body modification. I have the same views about people who are slaves to the beauty and aesthetics industry.

This is great advice OP. I'd be feeling similar to you and I have similar views, but you maintaining a good relationship with your own daughter is presumably paramount so this is the route I'd also (try to) follow. Anything else risks alienating her and it might fizzle out anyway

When you have no arguments, yes, best to resort to ad hominem.

The demands of transactivists to have full access to single-sex spaces are the problem.

The attempts by transactivists to erase language used by women about our bodies is the problem.

The attacks by transactivists on people who think differently are the problem.

The violence and threats of violence by transactivists against women speaking in public are the problem.

Not @BlueLegume who is trying to balance her rational & valid views about sex and gender with her love for her DD.

Their attempts to portray themselves as a different sex also don't remove the problems that made them vulnerable to this ideology in the first place.

This 100%

Can you clarify exactly what you mean by “your kind” please?

I must have read this thread incorrectly, I thought OPS daughter is in a relationship with a woman who identifies as male ?, not that she’s isn’t happy being a woman herself.

I really wish these posts wouldnt get reported and deleted. Much better to let them stand for all to see.

@BlueLegume
"But she isn’t she is with a biological female saying she is male. What a bloody riddle"

Yes! See my post 15.25. It had a happy outcome, in the end. Although i don't envy you...it will all right....honestly, you've got to see that it will, for your own sanity and wellbeing. What a riddle, indeed. Xx

@terfterffff Can you please refer me to any of my posts using the word ‘bits’?

What are these ‘bits’? This is the definition of……

noun
plural noun: bits

1. 1.
2. a small piece, part, or quantity of something.
3. "give the duck a bit of bread"

Also please refer me to any post using the word ‘hate’.

Also I am not familiar with the word ‘fav’. Can you explain its meaning?

Also please refer me to any post mentioning ‘genitals’.

Unfortunately your post has reinforced in me the fact there is no sensible debate ever put forward in this whole gender wang. You have simply gone off on a rant, all in lower case, which spews nonsense.

Yes, posts like that give new meaning to #bekind or “educate yourself.”