'Like a trap you can't escape': The women who regret being mothers

[IwantToRetire]

I'm not going to post any extracts from the article as better to read the whole content.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvgkvge4rkmo

When my two youngest were about 5 & 6 yrs old - I made two solo trips; one to Sorrento/Naples/Pompei and another for a week in Sicily. I really enjoy solo travel, and even now that the children have grown up and have children of their own - once a year I do a solo weekend city break somewhere in the UK. Obviously being able to make solo trips depends on having support from either your partner or your own parents/family.

Personally, I've never been a party person or that interested in going out in the evening ( other than when away on holiday) and being home based is far more to my liking. My son lives in Barcelona and he and his wife are used to a very sociable lifestyle, though now they have a young baby they still manage to get out to meet up with friends and go to wine bars and restaurants, even if they leave for home earlier than before. Spain is far more set up to be accommodating to children and families.

The area of Rome we stay in when we visit is very much a family neighbourhood, There is a central piazza with a playground and in the evening it is packed out with families and the surrounding bars and restaurants do a thriving trade with buffet suppers and pizza.

Interesting discussion. Actually having children for us has had the opposite effect longer term. Yes when they are tiny it’s very restricting of course but as long as you stick at 2 relatively close together it’s a few years. In addition to the joy of having them they have introduced us to so much . We have an entire network of brilliant local friendships through them. We have done numerous things we would not have thought to do because they have wanted to. Now they are late teens they are brilliant company. I had a more fun day in London with dd2 recently than I would have had with a friend.

Also it’s not necessarily having children that affects your life - much of it is aging and would happen anyway whether you have children or not.

@Revoltingpheasants i read your post twice as it was so familiar to me- I was also a teacher! When mine were your age I wasn’t so stoical about the experience. I definitely regretted it and sometimes used to fantasise about running away. But as I said without me realising it has changed.

My two have never been best pals, and they still don’t get on well at 13 and 16. I spend a lot of time with them separately (which is easier as one can be left).

What I didn’t mention in my original post was that now I’m divorced I do 50:50 co-parenting and I do think that has helped a lot. I get to be me for half the week. I have a DP and we go away for the weekends they are with their dad, I definitely don’t feel as trapped. And I can do more simply because they are older and can cook a simple meal, stay in the house on their own if needed (I’m not abandoning the overnight!).

But I also feel horrible guilt over the divorce. That they’ve had to adapt, that they have two houses etc. It really eats at me sometimes. And yes I chose a completely unsuitable partner, who did very little until we divorced. And MN can be very judgy about that, but what are you supposed to do once the children are here?

We don’t have the thirty hours is why 😅 DS is in school but on Mondays and Fridays DH collects him (and takes him in.) I am pretty much solo on my days off but how many parents both work part time and have the same days off? I don’t mean that in a belligerent sort of way, just pointing out that unless you’re independently wealthy or you have a lot of family nearby probably most parents who are part time are alone in the week as the other parent is at work.

I probably am going to try to get DD into nursery for an extra day from September; that will make a big difference and then after that she’ll be at school so I’ll have even more time. I do recognise this but equally right now I don’t have the freedom to just do this or that and when that’s been life for years and you’re tired anyway it is possible to lose sight of the fact it’s a phase.

@FoxRedPuppy it is hard: no easy answers. I’m off today because one has a fever and it’s my eldest so actually this is quite a ‘chilled’ day but even so I feel guilty he’s watching Spidey as I’m on here.

I don’t regret but I have more times than I like to admit had this voice that just won’t go away about it being a mistake to have two. I don’t look at one and wish they didn’t exist, it’s just now I am relaxed and I can still dedicate time to ds. Dd is harder when it’s just us because she’s only two but still … I think while I have the same love for them both I don’t have the same time, same energy or finances and unfortunately that’s hard to get around. My friends almost all have one child and the calmness of their lives compared to mine is notable. That said, they almost all work full time so I wouldn’t swap with them.

I just wish I could be as good a mum to two as I am to one.

Only when you are safely through it you realise it’s just a phase.

That said it’s bloody exhausting I live next to the primary school and though those years were so happy I cannot put into words how relieved I am to have the freedom I have now and I didn’t have in those years. No judgement but those threads / celebrities who have another child when their older ones are 8 plus I just cannot fathom why the hell they would do that.

Even if it is a phase, and I think it has to be by definition as time passes and children grow and develop, it leaves a mark on you.

Years of chronic stress and sleep deprivation is well known to cause health problems and maybe even PTSD. Playing the role of 'mum' so much that you eventually lose yourself if you aren't conscious of it.

And it's not like you have nothing to do once they are 8 or 9. You are still tied down domestically, and many find the teenage years horrendous.

And it's largely thankless.

It seems a middle class ideal with enough money and resources, and reasonably compliant children, is held up as the standard, on here at least. But it's so often not like that.

You only have to be good enough.

But the article is about women who regret having children. What about the ones for whom it isn't a phase? Are their experiences not to be listened to?

Lots of people here are saying it is a trap, you have no choice, it will pass once they grow up, etc.
We are overlooking, or not wanting to look, at the choice some mothers do make: the choice to leave.
Either leaving for good and vanishing, or doing a "Disney mum" and seeing their DC every other weekend whilst they live with their dad.

Every mother has the choice to leave.
Even mothers with severely disabled DC, or single parents can take that choice - but there is an almighty battle to be had with social services first, to get the children taken away.
Or there is the choice to risk being charged with abandonment and prosecuted - it is still a choice that can be made if the alternative feels worse.
But it is easier to say "I have no choice".

This is the huge taboo.
This is what we gasp in horror at, can't bear to think about.
This is what we abhor in women, and denounce and vilify women for - leaving their children.

I find the contrast with society's attitude to men who leave to be sickening.

It is deemed unforgivable for a mother to tell her child, or to demonstrate by her actions, that she regrets having them. But fathers do it with barely a murmur of disapproval.

Or, those with experience are trying to offer some understanding coupled with reassurance and perspective?

It feels like a trap - true. It is a trap - that is an assertion I will challenge.

Everybody needs to vent and needs support, sometimes.

I hope I wasn’t doing that. Just maybe offering some hope to those at the coal face?! Honestly whatever you say it seems someone is offended.

I find it hard when people say “accept of course for SEND children.” But I can’t put that to one side. My autistic dc has so many needs that have meant I still really move forward with my career (which I find far more fulfilling than motherhood- and I’m much better at it!). Her needs limit us all and what we can do. Even at 13 I am not as free as a mother of a non SEND 13 yr old.

My highest regret in that regard is that I brought her into a world so at odds with what she needs, she has such extreme anxiety and worry that I cannot fix. It seems cruel to have had her. And my other ex has missed so much of his childhood as I struggled to manage them both, and her needs. Not her fault at all but she took so much of my time and attention. He definitely is bitter about that, and I’ve never really got him to accept some of her needs.

I dont think its wrong to find motherhood hard, its how you act on these feelings that's the problem - eg cruelty to the children or abandonment is wrong, but seeking therapy, asking relatives and friends to help out is okay.

StandingDeskDisco · Today 09:55
"Lots of people here are saying it is a trap, you have no choice, it will pass once they grow up, etc.
We are overlooking, or not wanting to look, at the choice some mothers do make: the choice to leave.
Either leaving for good and vanishing, or doing a "Disney mum" and seeing their DC every other weekend whilst they live with their dad.
Every mother has the choice to leave.
Even mothers with severely disabled DC, or single parents can take that choice - but there is an almighty battle to be had with social services first, to get the children taken away.
Or there is the choice to risk being charged with abandonment and prosecuted - it is still a choice that can be made if the alternative feels worse.
But it is easier to say "I have no choice".
This is the huge taboo.
This is what we gasp in horror at, can't bear to think about.
This is what we abhor in women, and denounce and vilify women for - leaving their children.
I find the contrast with society's attitude to men who leave to be sickening.
It is deemed unforgivable for a mother to tell her child, or to demonstrate by her actions, that she regrets having them. But fathers do it with barely a murmur of disapproval."

It certainly takes strength for a woman to choose herself and leave her family behind because of control of women through shame and obligation is almost watertight.

I think the taboo is that a mother's love is strong but not enough to magic away her own desires, dreams and ambitions, especially for so long in sometimes dreadful circumstances to her own detriment.

Whoa...

Personally, I think it's unforgivable for a parent of either sex to abandon their child. The harms often caused by absent fathers are well-documented.

And I think most people on this thread will probably agree

That is my point.
It is judged as unforgivable.

But for some women, it is the best choice they can make in the circumstances.

It's not being offended, it's asking that the experiences of women who genuinely seem to regret motherhood, even when they're out of the 'trenches' phase, are seen as valid. Why wouldn't they be?

Describing motherhood as 'a trap' sounds like women are tricked into it (although maybe that's genuinely how the woman from whom it's a quote feels) but it's certainly something from which there is no way back if you change your mind. Most things can be undone given time, money etc but having a child isn't something you can change.

Just to let you know, if you click 'Quote' to reply, or type '@' and the user's name, they get a notification.

Yes, and someone I know did this. She took the view that her child was better off without a parent who regretted and resented her. She started a new life elsewhere.

I think it probably used to happen more in times when people could just 'disappear'. I remember reading in Billy Connolly's biography that his mother just walked out one day.

Right...

But that has to be a very last resort. For fathers too, not just mothers. Ultimately, if people have chosen to have children then, awful as it can be, they have taken the responsibility on for (initially at least) small helpless humans. That has to be maintained however possible.

I would caveat that I can fully understand mothers who have children with extremely high needs, especially those with no prospect of improvement, using respite care, or maybe permanent care outside the home. I'm not classifying that as 'abandonment'.

That sounds a bit like the plot of Elena Ferrante's The Lost Daughter. Different setting etc but the situation the protagonist is in fits a lot of what we've been discussing.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lost_Daughter_(novel)

I absolutely agree. Which is where the idea of 'informed decisions' comes in - so often people are told 'It will be the making of you' or 'You love a child when they arrive' and it's just assumed it will all work out in the end. Maybe it would be better if we (as a society) were honest and hear those who genuinely and permanently regret having children so it's something people are sure they want to do it, and are going in with their eyes open to the potential harder realities, before they commit to that responsibility?

She must have been both deeply unhappy, but also happy enough that the father would take good enough care of their child? Has she cut off all contact?

Women in dire circumstances walk out....but I suspect they must also spend the rest of their lives regretting that too; or must certainly live with deeply ambiguous and conflicted feelings.

As far as I remember, yes she was. She didn't want a child but her husband did and she was told all the usual stuff about 'You'll love them when they're here'. She didn't. She has no contact as far as I'm aware, and the child is brought up by the father.

I don't get the impression she regrets it at all, rather she feels she did the best for everyone.