'Like a trap you can't escape': The women who regret being mothers

[IwantToRetire]

I'm not going to post any extracts from the article as better to read the whole content.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvgkvge4rkmo

Yes, exactly. In Billy Connolly's case he was treated pretty badly by his aunt, and sexually & physically abused by his father.
He himself has said he doesn't resent her decision, it certainly sounds like a horrible situation for a woman in her late teens/early 20s to raise a child in : bathed in the kitchen sink, and there was no hot water.[16]

Connolly was born to Catholic parents, William Connolly and Mary McLean, both of whom were of partly Irish descent.[17] In 1946, when he was four years old, Connolly's mother left her children while their father was serving as an engineer in the Royal Air Force in Burma.[16] "I've never felt abandoned by her," Connolly explained in 2009.[18] "My mother was a teenager. My father was in Burma, fighting a bloody war. The Germans were dropping all sorts of crap on the town. We lived at the docks, so that's where all the bombs were happening. She was a teenager with two kids in a slum. A guy comes along and says, 'I love you. Come with me.' Given the choice, I think I'd have gone with him. It looks as though it might all end next Wednesday, from where you're standing. I don't have an ounce of feelings that she abandoned me. She tried to survive."[18]

I think it’s a trap in the sense that I knew it would be hard, but I had been sold the idea that the joys outweighed the downsides. That it would’ve so monumentally transformative as an experience that it was worth the drudge. I didn’t know that I would frequently fantasise about crashing the car so I could have a break in hospital, for example. That I would dream of just walking out and going somewhere on my own.

And a trap as in once you’ve done it you can’t go back.

Everyone saying just be good enough, but yet I feel constant guilt about what I haven’t done for them, or if my parenting style has impacted them negatively.

I do think objectively speaking I would have been much happier and had much more fulfilling life if I hadn’t have had children. Although that isn’t the same as regret.

Im never sure what people mean when they say parenting is fulfilling. It mostly seems to be about breaking up pointless arguments, been talked at about Minecraft (or other dull subjects) and endlessly deciding what other people will eat.

What’s wrong with a mother seeing their kids every other weekend? No one thinks my Dad was a “monster” for doing this so why the misogyny?

Yes, and you must keep silent about your suffering so you don't offend or harm others. Who does the silent martyrdom benefit?

It's a coldren of cognitive dissonance.

Why should it be a LAST RESPORT to do what the OP described and for mothers to see their kids every other weekend? This is what Dads do all the time and they’re never shamed over it.

It's a coldren of cognitive dissonance.

Cauldron, sorry!

I was thinking of total abandonment, as in the scenario OtterlyAstounding outlined, not being a weekend mum. I'm sorry, I can see it wasn't fully clear.

I still think a parent decamping to become a weekend parent is very wrong, whether they're a mother or father.

Double standards that condemn women but let men off are totally wrong. That doesn't mean that the behaviour they criticise is OK, though.

Hopefully the child's father won't tell her her mother didn't love or want her. That would be quietly devastating.

Somehow there seems to be something a lot more primal about the mother - child bond...for obvious reasons. I don't think it is misogyny to recognise that.

Is that true for every woman who becomes a mother though? Regret and child abandonment would suggest not.

It can be possible to contain one's feelings ( not the same as represing them). They don't have to be splurged everywhere and over everyone. Feelings by their nature mostly pass and are fluid. They can be released through talking with your partner or your close friends, for example. And how we express our feelings is important too. Words can be toxic and unnecessarily damaging if they are expressed with malice.

If you have long term persistent negative feelings about something or a situation then it would be wise to try to do something to resolve or alleviate that...because persistent negative feelings point to a deeper condition or need that is not being met.But simply throwing things over doesn't really alleviate or change anything in the long run; it just tends to replace one set of conditions with a novel new set of conditions....which in time will serve up its own set of contradictions and frustrations.

In the psyche and in the collective psyche - in all periods of time, in all cultures and societies......the mother- child bond is central. 'The Mother' and 'Home' are synonymous and represent the very foundations of one's life. Even if an individual rejects that...on some level it still plays out in the emotional/psychic life of all involved. This is why people are far more judgmental about mothers than about fathers - though, of course, absent fathers also leave their mark - especially for boys.

That’s partly how it’s a trap, once you have a child you can’t undo that decision. So potentially live the rest of your life with regret. That is what is so hard I think. You are stuck with the consequences of a decision and there is no way to change that.

And sometimes that is about having a second child, rather than any children. My oldest dc life would have been infinitely better if he was an only.

I think the worst thing is when you do express it people suggest getting a babysitter for a few hours, taking up a hobby. It doesn’t really fix it. You can be a bit more free for a few hours, but you still have that responsibility. You can’t be spontaneous, you can’t get a babysitter for months so you can travel, or take a new job abroad/other end of country.

To my mind 'regret' is a permanent ongoing condition that one actively fosters in one's mind..and I cannot see the point or purpose in it? What does it achieve or change?

I think we all sometimes imagine the pathways we didn't take; the jobs we turned down; we imagine how our lives may have worked out differently if we'd done this rather than that. I don't think there is any escaping that whatever you do in life.

Sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith and have trust.....Decisions and commitments are risky because you have to live with the consequences; but not doing something because you are scared of making 'a wrong decision' can also be paralysing...and you may still well have to live imagining what it would have been like if you had done it.

The book Matrescence is really good on this. The maternal brain doesn't 'shrink', it reorganises. It's about composition, not overall 'size' (and a small brain is not necessarily a dumber brain in any case, how reductive).

Not sure if you are suggesting I'm not containing my feelings because I'm discussing them on here on an anonymous forum. I find it a fascinating topic and seems like a good idea to discuss it.

I agree that feelings are fluid, I think we all know this. But this is the same feeling about broadly the same thing - the constant responsibility and work of motherhood when you'd rather be doing other things.

For me, it's not necessarily regret that I feel as that doesn't serve any purpose other than making you feel even more stuck. I'm able to look the situation in the eye and see what I'm up against.

My post was not aimed at anyone personally. I'm basing it on my own reflections and experiences.

I know it must be tough having both a full time job and having children too...especialy if your partner is not pulling their weight.

I definitely did have regret, even if it wasn’t permanent. It certainly lasted over 10 years. I felt completely trapped and hopeless. Yes it had a negative effect on me, but I don’t think it’s that easy to switch it off.

I am in a different place now, but as I said, I know I would have had a better life without children. Because everything is better without children/teens 😂. I know when I go away with just my DP I have a much better time than when I do with whingy teens who constantly argue!

DH sort of said something similar once.

I took the children on holiday with my friends from my NCT course, which meant that for four days, DH woke up when he wanted to. He lazed around in bed, he ambled around the house eating what he felt like eating, he went where he wanted, he watched what he wanted to on TV, he went to bed when he wanted to.

Then we came back and of course he missed us and of course it was lovely to be reunited but there was a grain of truth in his ‘haha so you should do that more often!’

When I first went to university, I came home for a long weekend earlier than anticipated because of a funeral and I remember I loved the luxury of my home compared to the halls of residence, the comfort of my own bed and own things and I wondered ‘why did I want to leave?’ But of course there were good things about university, it’s just I had to adjust and adapt.

I think I have to my children now. I don’t have that same desperation for time to myself I had once, when ds was a baby I had a fantasy of a nanny, I love them so and am so proud of the little people they are. But toddlers are HARD. My little one won’t always be a toddler though. I have to remind myself ds was really hard work as a toddler and now is very funny and clever and kind; he is incredibly determined (I really genuinely admire that aspect to his character) and brave - has done activities for children twice his age involving climbing and riding.

My little DD had definitely hit a weird combo of terrible twos and threenager and I have to be honest, as much as I love her it’s sometimes a struggle to like her when she screams NO MUMMY NO at me, or slaps at me or orders me around. But I am sure she will come through this too, we will get to the other side. She was such a lovely, smiley baby and younger toddler that this scowling, angry little person is hard to adapt to.

Some really thoughtful contributions on this thread on what is clearly an emotive subject.

I have found motherhood has often pushed me to my emotional and physical limits. There have been times when I have fantasized about a guilt free hospital stay just to get some respite from the relentless slog of it. I have questioned my life choices, my parenting ability, even whether I'm actually a decent human being when I've been tempted to get on a train and disappear.

But, and here's the important bit, these feelings have always passed - the circumstances that triggered these emotions turned out to be a temporary phase - sometimes a ridiculously long, soul destroying phase - but still temporary. I can only imagine what it feels like to never have this weight lift or ease despite your children growing and changing as their needs evolve. For mothers who never feel this relief or are unable to appreciate some of the positive trade offs that come with motherhood and only experience deep resentment, I think it's really important they have an outlet to talk about their feelings without fear of judgement as this is a huge burden to carry alone. It's good we're talking about it here as a feminist issue but on a practical level I think women really need professional support to reconcile these really difficult, often shameful, feelings and limit the risk of any long-term psychological damage to themselves and their children.

My dd once threw a cup of water at me (from those water dispensers) at a very posh/middle class toddler class 😂. Amongst many other stories of her being a terror. She’s now one of my favourite people to hang out with (she does have stroppy teenage moments too!)

This.

I feel this to some extent.

But otoh just because a father walking out is wrongly (sometimes) more accepted doesn't mean the consequences should be necessarily seen as less. They can be devastating, especially for boys, and also for girls. Paternal abandonment is sadly standard for many species, and the fact that human fathers are more wired to bond is part of what makes us human.

Love that song BTW 😢

A very interesting article!

Will try to write some quick reflections, but currently in the trenches with 2 small kids, so may not make it without interruptions!

@AgingLikeGazpacho I hear you so much on the high needs, sensitive kids. My 3yo DS sounds very much like your DD - colicky, car hating baby; terrible separation anxiety; very clingy, anxious toddler; appalling sleeper. It was utterly, utterly relentless. I held out hope that my baby who "hated being a baby" (as ppl here like to say) would become an easy breezy toddler and it did not happen. Instead, I had a really tricky toddler to deal with who still did not sleep, and I was already totally depleted from the first 18 months of parenting.

Also, I now have a 6mo DD who is just a regular baby and the difference is ridiculous. She is still up multiple times a night and prefers to be settled by me. But she doesn't cry all day, you can put her down for a bit, she will sit on the floor and play with stuff while I do something, and she is actually soothed and distracted by a singing plastic otter with a flashing light. My son would never.

I also find the inability to focus on anything without interruptions extremely frustrating. I actually have a thread in parenting a few weeks ago about my DS and his constant interruptions (Tell a story about a monkey Mummy. Mummy why did you say that? Mummy what's that sign? Why is it there? Tell the story Mummy!) Not being able to control the focus of my own attention is very irritating - particularly when either there is actually a cognitive task I need to do and am unable to; or when I am interrupted 3 levels down into something I already didn't really want to think about.

I absolutely don't regret having my children and I think they are wonderful. But:

• DS has at times taken all the resources I have and then some for months / years at a time. Giving more than I have to give because there is no alternative is brutal.
• Parenting has exposed things about myself and how I respond to prolonged stress that are not attractive and are not the person I want to be. I am a snappier, shoutier parent than I thought I would be. Sometimes I feel somewhat disengaged from parenting because the alternative is to be unhelpfully furious. And sometimes I am furious anyway. It does not help. I am working on being more present and less furious, but it is slow going. I didn't expect that parenting would take me to the absolute limit of my ability to regulate my emotions so frequently and I dislike being confronted both by my limits and by the reality that one of my children is much "easier" than the other.

Some more general reflections:

• I think as a younger woman I expected that I could "have it all" - a career that I love and children. It is actually difficult to do both well and I think this is not fully understood pre-kids. Yes, you can put your kids in childcare. But it is expensive and comes at a cost to your relationship with them (some kids skip happily into nursery. DS was peeled off me screaming for 18 months). Yes, you can take a step back from full time work, but that has a cost in terms of your financial independence, pension, career opportunities, personal fulfilment and opportunities for your children. You can try to find a balance in the middle, but if your child is waking 4 times a night you are probably not killing it at work. You cannot have everything - you have to pay the piper somewhere.
• The maternity/paternity leave split in the UK definitely loads the work of parenting on the mother. When one parent takes the bulk of leave (and this is the only thing that makes financial sense for more families) they naturally become the parent the child feels most comfortable with. And that takes a long time to equalise.
• Several pp have asked about what the useless dad is doing (or similar) in various scenarios. The answer is often holding a child screaming "Mummy! I want Mummy!" Or peeling the child off mummy. Or cooking the dinner / emptying the bins/ cleaning the toilet while mummy looks after the kids. Or taking the child out so mummy can catch up on work. Or arguing with mummy about how to deal with the latest behaviour issue.

@InvisibleDragon i relate so much to your post … it’s so very refreshing to read a post that’s so real.

Like you, I’ve exposed a side to myself I didn’t know existed. I believed I was quite an easygoing, relaxed sort of person and I’m not; I am tense and prone to irritability.

So often on here work is pushed as the answer: you’re fed up parenting? Work. Maternity leave not what you’d hoped? Work earlier, work more, the answers lie in work. But that means doing two jobs. I was honest with my school and said I’d rather do less well than a lot badly. I think even three days would be a struggle for me just now.

My DD loudly rejects DH in the morning so I don’t get a lie in. If I forced it I’d just be lying awake listening to her screaming for me so I don’t bother. It means I’m permanently knackered though and that doesn’t help with my moods or my response to noise (I nearly lost it Sunday as DH put UB40 on Alexa while the TV blared and a toy was going off; didn’t bother anyone else but it felt like torture to me.)

Arrghhh. So many things … small and inconsequential in themselves but they build up. I worry so much my children’s core memories of me will be this snappy irritated woman while they remember a lovely gentle and fun dad … and yet personality and temperament wise DH and I are quite similar, I’d be interested to see what he’d be like after years of broken sleep and dealing day in day out with the demands and relentlessness of toddlers.

One thing I will say is I’m in a better place now ds is at school, although I do miss him. Having a three/four year old at home combined with a one year old was HARD.