'Like a trap you can't escape': The women who regret being mothers

[IwantToRetire]

I'm not going to post any extracts from the article as better to read the whole content.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvgkvge4rkmo

Most women just knuckle down and get on with it and do the best they can. Unlike it seems quite a lot of men who don't do much childcare or walk away altogether.

What men do is neither here nor there, this is an article about how women feel.

And 'knuckling down' isn't what a lot of women want - Jesus, you make it sound like some kind of penance that we have to pay.

Sure, a lot of women love motherhood. Some love aspects of it but not others. The women in that article feel exactly as I do about motherhood, except that I chose not to go down that path (despite a lot of pressure) and I thank my lucky fucking stars that I didn't opt for a life of 'knuckling down' that I couldn't walk away from.

Motherhood is so often deified and the downsides are so rarely talked about. But they should be so that women can make informed decisions. It's not for everyone and that should be OK.

What men do is neither here nor there, this is an article about how women feel.

And 'knuckling down' isn't what a lot of women want - Jesus, you make it sound like some kind of penance that we have to pay.

And I think the article has tried hard to provide non judgemental coverage about this.

So started the thread thinking some on FWR might want to talk about this, without being judged.

My post was in response to VivienneMary's post.

But many women had children and the feelings come AFTER. So you can sit on your high horse floating "I knew it!" but that isn't relative to women who did want children and then felt the harsh reality of it.

And additionally, it sounds like the first women (I haven't read the full article) still has a child and so what they feel like they regret now, they may regret saying later on, as the child grows up.
It's a snapshot during a hard time that will pass.

I know I was supporting you!!

ie the whole point of starting a thread on an issue like this on a feminist is in the hope / understanding that it will be supportive of women being able to talk about an issue like this with some sort of empathy.

I think what I hadn't anticipated was that in a marriage that had been fully equal up to the point of pregnancy, parenting would not be 50:50 even with a willing husband. At least in my case, my baby has such a strong attachment to me and insists on spending pretty much every waking hour with me, cries when being separated (even for some fun activity with her father) and I get almost 0 peace or time to myself to fully relax.

I guess what I hadn't anticipated was the level of need that a baby could have on just one parent, and the guilt I'd feel from not meeting her needs. The guilt of always feeling I'm not giving enough of myself to her whilst also feeling like I'm failing at being a good friend/daughter/sister/employee due to spinning so many plates at the same time. I feel guilt going to work, and anxiety about future finances if I don't work.

Basically, I've gone from having a fairly stress-free life that was dedicated towards self development and connection with a wide network of people to dedicating myself to the development of one small being and connection with mostly just them.

She's only 19 months old, so I'm hoping and praying that she starts feeling less anxious about me always being there for her. Because as lovely as it is to be loved, this level of love and need is suffocating.

Obviously I adore her, but all the feelings are very conflicting and confusing and I feel like many women don't raise them in fear that people doubt they love their kids. I think if we didn't love our children and care about their happiness then we wouldn't feel so trapped and anxious.

Today's society expects so much from mothers and not enough from fathers

Firstly, don't fucking accuse me of being on a 'high horse'. Yes, I did know it but I'm not gloating over those who didn't. I knew I wasn't cut out for motherhood but that is not to say I sneer at those who didn't know how it would be or how they would feel about it. THAT'S why I said the downsides should be spoken about more, rather than presenting it as some sort of sunlit uplands of womanhood.

And secondly, you can give over with this idea that 'it will pass' because clearly for some - at least - it doesn't. I know women who desperately regret children and it doesn't bloody pass and they haven't ever changed their minds, even when their children were adults. How patronising

That's nice, dear.

@AgingLikeGazpacho "Today's society expects so much from mothers and not enough from fathers"

This isn't ever going to change radically. It's a modern fantasy that men will take on 50% of childcare, beyond a handful.

Luckily, we now have control over contraception and abortion.

I don’t think that’s a majority view. I’m sure some will seize on it to justify their own choices.

This is very nasty remark.

Pregnant women's brains shed grey matter to prime them for motherhood, study suggests

The greater the changes in the brain, the more likely women were to say they were relating to, and bonding well, with their babies - the team of scientists found.
Maybe that 'customisation' of the brain doesn't happen for some women, and therefore they find motherhood more difficult to adapt to? or even suffer from post-natal depression?

Just a suggestion, I don't know how reliable this research is, but it looks interesting, and understanding why something happens is a good thing, I think.
Knowledge is power and all that...

Please, Hungrycaterpillarsmummy, withdraw that 'unhinged' remark, this is a very emotional topic and there should be space to express a range of feelings without getting that kind of nasty reaction.

Please, Hungrycaterpillarsmummy, withdraw that 'unhinged' remark

I say let it stand. It's testament to the hostility women encounter when they are honest or express an opinion other than 'motherhood is all and wonderful'. That such hostility comes (presumably) from other women speaks volumes - there was nothing 'unhinged' about my post and yet it provoked such a visceral, spiteful reaction.

It can be tricky when a thread firsts starts that misunderstandings, or mis reading of the first or second post can tilt a thread.

So hope the thread will be somewhere that mothers can say what they maybe cant say even to friends, or family, or even partner.

I took from the title of the article that the word "trap" was that whatever pre child expectations had been, and whatever the reality of being a mother then became, even if meant regretting no longer being able to be spontaneous, decide to take a year out to go travelling, continue to develop a career or art based interest, you cant undo it. Having a child isn't a hobby you cant just give up.

Aren't women allowed to have those regrets?

And aren't they allowed to talk about them?

I think it's bollocks that the downsides aren't talked about. I feel like I heard nothing but that before I had kids, and nothing about the life-changing brilliance of having them.

Maybe it depends on who you're talking to about it?

I reported it, so it might disappear. I think it's good for posters to learn that it's not okay to be so nasty.

I don't have children. I was never told I ought to have children. Never told I ought to get married. Never been told I shouldn't (or should) have an abortion. This is just to say that some of us have no interested elders in our lives.

The whole point of a discussion is finding out that everyone doesn't think like you or have your life experience.

WTF is going on that so many posters want to disrespect those who do want to talk about it.

You dont have to come on this thread. You dont have to comment.

Even if it is a minority who have or are experiencing it they have the right to talk about it.

I think all those presuming to say this isn't an issue because it hasn't been for me need to ask themselves why they have wanted to bother to come and say it.

I dont want to talk about Your Party or the Greens. But there are a few long threads about them. Based on the exaggerated need of some to come on this thread and say it is all tosh, would implyl that probably the majority of poster on FWR should have constantly gone on these long party political threads and say I was never einterested, so cant think why you are talking about it.

Really, really strange this topic has appeared to create a need for some to come and scold other women.

Some hard truths in that story. Women are complex, have different backgrounds, resources, expectations, physical outcomes from birth. It rings true about 1 in 10 regret how motherhood transforms a life.

Today’s societal changes mean more pressure is heaped on ever smaller nuclear families with dwindling support networks and fewer choices. It’s hard.

However as a mother of young kids most parents talk about how hard it is most of the time. People don’t say clearly I regret having bob, but talk about how awful the early years are and hope it gets easier.

Not sure it gets easier but I’m sure it changes.

Nasty exchange above. Sorry about that @SidewaysOtter.

It's not a " life" most people will have 20 years of knuckling down out of a lifetime of 80. Health issues and your body changing will happen with or without children and actually pregnancy and particularly breast feeding is protective for all reproductive cancers and dementia. Having children isa huge commitment, but suggesting it ruins your health and or your life is simply inaccurate.

This

Interesting.

Re PND, it's not necessarily always that... I mean, it sounds like for whatever reason, some of these women decided not/could not travel or develop careers before the kids, probably they'd still be sad about that even with shed grey matter...