How to deal with request to wear pronoun badge

[IknowIknowIknow]

It's finally happened - a request to declare my pronouns that is going to be hard to ignore. Advice welcome.

Situation is that I volunteer for a charity that deals with members of the public. The charity has a new member of staff who is non-binary. There's an event for the public coming up that a couple of other volunteers and I are volunteering at. The paid member of staff who is a volunteer coordinator mentioned last time we saw her that there are pronoun badges, that no one has to wear them if they don't want to, but also that she feels that it's quite "othering" if only this new non-binary staff members wears a pronoun badge and no one else does.

Clearly I can just say "no thanks" with no further comment when I'm offered a pronoun badge. However, I would probably be the only person out of a small number of staff and volunteers not wearing one, so it's not a neutral act to not wear it. I am also actually a very inclusive person who is perfectly able to get along with a wide range of people even if I don't share their beliefs. I'm worried that by not wearing the badge, the staff (including the non-binary person) will make all kinds of assumptions about me that aren't correct, eg that I hate all trans people, that I'm "transphobic" etc etc. I think it will change the way the staff view me (for the worse and through misunderstanding).

WWYD? I've considered emailing the volunteer coordinator in advance explaining my reasons for not wanting to wear the badge but saying that this isn't relevant to how I am happy to volunteer alongside anyone else, staff or volunteer. DH said I should just "forget" to wear the badge and just ignore the existence of the badges on the day. Or I can just say "no thanks" when offered a badge. Or write "no preferred pronouns" on the badge. But that implies you think it's worth clarifying that you have no preferred pronouns, which is as ridiculous to me as writing on the badge that I'm an atheist, just so people with a religion feel ok about mentioning their religion.

Any advice?

It's swivel-eyed lunacy

Well why aren't cis, or whatever term, women aren't allowed feel othered by all this too?

A perennial & as-yet unanswered question.

I think the thing that is giving me pause is that the volunteer coordinator has set this up that wearing the badge will make the new staff member feel included,

Can someone explain why a person wouldn’t feel ‘included’ if others didn’t wear badges?
Aren’t they already included because they are part of a team?

Or as a grown up, just 'No, thank you.'

You could always ask that no one wears a badge on account of the fact that you will feel othered by being the only one who is not wearing one 🤷‍♀️

They aren’t non binary. You know that. Anyone with a brain knows that. You should not and cannot be compelled to believe or verbally support a fantasy. You don’t do pronouns, because it’s stupid. Just dont.

You're overthinking it. Just do the no thanks.

In the unlikely event someone bothers you about it you could say you don't think it's very inclusive to make people publicly declare a protected characteristic.

You could mention stereotype threat and the evidence that drawing attention to people's sex increases discrimination.

I don't think they were saying everyone has to participate or they would feel othered.

The point is that if they are the only one with pronouns on their badge, it's an automatic identifier that they are not cisgendered. Thus they feel othered.

If multiple people have them, they blend in with the others. Their badge won't stick out as the only one with pronouns.

It is effective even if some people don't give their pronouns. The pressure is imaginary. They said it was optional and it is. And then they explained (to those who may care) why you might choose to share your pronouns, even if they are obvious. To make the newcomer feel comfortable.

Optional means optional. People can think whatever they want about your choice.

if they are the only one with pronouns on their badge, it's an automatic identifier that they are not cisgendered.

Er. Yes. That's the whole point of them wearing a badge. If you put something on a badge it's because you want people know about it. You don't choose to wear a badge and hope nobody notices.

Wear all of the badges. That’ll confuse the fuckers.

Or alternatively suggest everyone wear ‘they / them’ badges. That will be truly inclusive and then no one will be ‘othered’.

Unfortunately, there's optional and "optional". As in "really and truly nobody minds"; or as in "of course it's not compulsory (but we will notice who doesn't do it and their card will be marked)". There's generally an unofficial workplace culture alongside the official rules.

Volunteers are worth their weight in gold. Why the hell would you pressurise them? I’d think twice about working there. You’re being bloody dictated to despite the “you don’t have to” shite. I can’t stand all this!!

Your husband's ideas are good.

Also writing just your first name is great.

OP

Attending an event with pronoun badges makes me not trust that organisation and in some situations makes me feel unsafe.

Can I ask if they’ve asked you your pronouns for your badge or just assumed? If they’ve asked I would ignore the email and then hopefully you won’t have a badge.

If I’m given a badge I’d say thanks and put it in my bag. If someone other than the badge maker challenged I’d say something like “I’m quite happy with whatever pronouns clients use for me”

If the badge maker or someone senior challenged I’d say “ I’m a bit concerned that guessing someone’s pronouns without asking them and then writing them on a badge which they’re expected to wear in public could be quite uncomfortable for a lot of people. I’m sure it wasn’t done deliberately, Sophie’s intention was just to make Fred feel welcome, but I just don’t think that it was thought through properly”

The volunteer co-ordinator is trying to make you feel guilty. Just say no thank you, you aren't comfortable doing it. Like others have said, if I were at an event where staff were wearing such badges I would leave. Not my job to shore up someone else's fantasy.

Maybe say to the coordinator “we also know that a proportion of the public find pronoun badges off-putting or intimidating. So I think at least one of us should actively NOT wear a pronoun badges, to avoid othering anyone. I’m happy to volunteer for that role.”

Great thread in the main. People have had enough of this guff.

I bet if you are asked in front of people first and decline without incident you won’t be the only one to say no thanks.

I love this.

Social etiquette is your friend here.

A simple “no thanks” is enough. Nobody can sensibly object to that, or even follow it up. It would be an unreasonable invasion of privacy, and very unbritish of them.

In the unlikely event that they do, then you say “it’s a bit 2017 isn’t it?”. That’s deliciously belittling, without actually being about the issue itself.

And if they plough on despite that, you’re dealing with a lunatic and are entitled to blank them entirely.