How to deal with request to wear pronoun badge

[IknowIknowIknow]

It's finally happened - a request to declare my pronouns that is going to be hard to ignore. Advice welcome.

Situation is that I volunteer for a charity that deals with members of the public. The charity has a new member of staff who is non-binary. There's an event for the public coming up that a couple of other volunteers and I are volunteering at. The paid member of staff who is a volunteer coordinator mentioned last time we saw her that there are pronoun badges, that no one has to wear them if they don't want to, but also that she feels that it's quite "othering" if only this new non-binary staff members wears a pronoun badge and no one else does.

Clearly I can just say "no thanks" with no further comment when I'm offered a pronoun badge. However, I would probably be the only person out of a small number of staff and volunteers not wearing one, so it's not a neutral act to not wear it. I am also actually a very inclusive person who is perfectly able to get along with a wide range of people even if I don't share their beliefs. I'm worried that by not wearing the badge, the staff (including the non-binary person) will make all kinds of assumptions about me that aren't correct, eg that I hate all trans people, that I'm "transphobic" etc etc. I think it will change the way the staff view me (for the worse and through misunderstanding).

WWYD? I've considered emailing the volunteer coordinator in advance explaining my reasons for not wanting to wear the badge but saying that this isn't relevant to how I am happy to volunteer alongside anyone else, staff or volunteer. DH said I should just "forget" to wear the badge and just ignore the existence of the badges on the day. Or I can just say "no thanks" when offered a badge. Or write "no preferred pronouns" on the badge. But that implies you think it's worth clarifying that you have no preferred pronouns, which is as ridiculous to me as writing on the badge that I'm an atheist, just so people with a religion feel ok about mentioning their religion.

Any advice?

I think you'd be actually doing the charity a favour by not wearing one. Not that they'll necessarily realise that.

As you say, the obvious course of action is to say 'no, thank you'. You will have to be a little bit brave about this, OP. There's no simpler or better course of action. It's pretty straightforward.

‘No thank you.’

You could always trip them up with word salad:

"Declaring pronouns should be voluntary as it is triggering for many people. Some people might be gender-fluid or not be ready to come out with their gender identity. Vulnerable people shouldn't be put on the spot like that. These blanket requests are not conducive to an inclusive, welcoming environment"

I wouldn't wear one. If everyone else is that's good because the stated purpose of the badges will be fulfilled by others. I very much doubt anyone will ask you but if they do just close it down 'I prefer not to'. You have a legal right not to wear it and it is no one else's business. Treat it as a boundary violation if someone asks about it and give off a vibe of 'this is going to hr if you mention it again'.

Oh god, I thought this madness was on the way out 🤦🏻‍♂️ I'm seeing far fewer pronouns in people's email signatures at work

I agree with 'no thanks'. No explanation, no justification, just don't get into it

thank you for this as will use at work!

If it were me, I would try and position myself in a way that I'd be one of the first people to be offered the badge, say a cheery no thanks and watch as everyone else conforms 😂

In staff meetings where I work sometimes people are invited to say pronouns and name, and basically if the first person doesn't bother with pronouns (which happens about 90% of the time), nobody else does!

Most people do not care, the only people who will think into it in any way is the non binary person and the person facilitating the badge rubbish (and the latter might even think it's stupid but feels like they have to go along with it too!).

You'll be grand 😊

I have been known to take my own work badge to events where I suspect we will be asked to put pronouns on badges. It has the added bonus that it pins close to my collar rather than being on a lanyard near my boobs.

I tend to simply ignore all requests to state pronouns, either verbally, on my email signature or a badge, as though it hadn't been made. A person asking your pronouns has made a social faux pas, and I politely ignore it in the same way I would if they broke wind or something.

Take one. Don't put it on. No-one will notice. If they ask: 'oh, I put it down somewhere. Has anyone seen it?'

Ok, so pretty much consensus to just go down the "no thanks" route 😁. (And yes, I am a female human who has a first name which is always used for females and I am visually obviously a woman).

I think the thing that is giving me pause is that the volunteer coordinator has set this up that wearing the badge will make the new staff member feel included, had not wearing the badge will make the new staff member feel "othered" (her term). I'm more than happy to work with this new person and will treat them exactly like any other staff member, and I don't want it to seem like I won't. Maybe that will be obvious in terms of my actual actions (eg being polite and friendly like I would with anyone) rather than the performative badge wearing (or not).

I personally would just that that you support people wearing them if they want to, but that you don't want to and that you worry they can be 'outing' for people who aren't ready to discuss that part of their lives yet.

This has served me well so far (eg at work where there is an optional pronoun box in your profile in the directory, or rarely where I've been in a setting where people are told they are welcome to introduce themselves by name, job, pronoun and I, and most other people, just ignore the pronoun bit), but I feel much more exposed in this situation where there are fewer of us and taking this stand will be more obvious!

Just don’t wear one. No explanation needed.

And if anyone does ask you, you can bet that your thoughts on this are twenty times more well-thought out than most.

It’s like being an astrophysicist and worried that someone might ask you about galaxies, in case your views on them don’t meet with their approval.

If they do ask, you don’t need to jump into defending you views either. “Oh yes, that’s always interested me. Why do you wear a pronoun badge?” Then you can give them all the other considerations.

I think that as there aren't a great many of you, the ones who weren't brave enough to say "No, thank you" will probably come up to you and ask you how you got out of it.

Then you can tell them that you don't agree with the whole pronoun shit.

They might take their badge off.

Say no

Compliancu isn’t optional with this ridiculous gender nonsense. If we all comply just to be polite then we are playing into misogyny.

I refused to include pronouns in my work email. Remember: gender critical rights are a protected belief in employment law (I’m sure this covers volunteering)

Right?!

It goes without saying that the volunteer coordinator is stepping way out of line here. Claiming that a new staff member might be "othered" if others fail to use nonsensical language in order to include her?

Not suggesting for a moment that you go down the route of challenging this in any way but it'll be worth quietly noting whether this is the first in a long line of demands demands made on colleagues from the new member of staff - or just an over excited volunteer coordinator.

It reminds me of this eye opening case that was discussed on here. If you've time, it highlights some real challenges that certain self obsessed people can make on the workplace and colleagues:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5451419-employment-tribunal-finds-nb-does-not-meet-pc-of-gr

You don't have to prove that you'll be a decent human being to another volunteer.

I presume that you are generally a decent human being to the people you volunteer with.

The volunteer coordinator is coercing you with the 'this will make the extra special person feel better by you complying with their demand'

If you were told you had to wear a hijab because you had a new volunteer who was hijabi and you didn't want them to feel 'othered' - would you do it?

Going along with things to 'be kind' 'be nice' is how we got here.

I'd politely decline when offered a badge. I'd be fascinated to know whether the new volunteer wants this, or even knows about it. I'd also wonder if the co-ordinator's line manager knows about it. If it goes further, it might be worth finding out if the charity has a policy on pronoun badges and what that is.

'No thanks, I want people to be able to approach me without worrying about what they call me'

Badges, e mail signatures etc are presumably for people who feel uncomfortable or upset if they are mis-pronouned.

So I would just calmly and seriously say "no thanks, I don't mind which pronouns people use for me"

I find it quite patronising to think that someone who wants to give such info might feel othered unless everyone else joins in. I would have rolled my eyes 3 times over in my head had everyone worn a 'No Baby On Board' badge when I was pg, in case I felt 'othered'.

Keep your response v low key - an e mail explaining your views will immediately make your views an issue.

I would say no thank you.

Yes I was thinking about the same case.

This new person hasn't even started yet and the dynamic has already shifted. The person may turn out not to give two hoots whether you wear the badge or not.

Or it may create an issue.

Honestly, I think you're best off being your lovely usual self, not wearing the badge and see what happens.

Best to find out now or you'll just be on edge if and when the next thing comes up.