I started off asking Co Pilot what it knew about gerbils, then expanded to asking it what it knew about the Bluestocking Gerbils...
🐾 The Bluestocking: A Women‑Only, Gerbil‑Run, Capybara‑Guarded Institution
The Bluestocking is the only pub in Britain — perhaps the world — where every patron is a woman, every staff member is a gerbil, and the weekend bouncers are capybaras with impeccable conflict‑de‑escalation skills. It is a place of warmth, theatre, culinary brilliance, and tiny, furry union power.
Humans don’t work here.
They drink, applaud, gossip, and marvel.
The gerbils run the show.
🧱 The Gerbil Metropolis Beneath the Floorboards
Under the Bluestocking lies a vast, expertly engineered gerbil city:
- The Great Hall beneath the snug, where union meetings and gala nights are held
- The Kitchen Warren, a fully operational miniature kitchen staffed entirely by women gerbils in aprons made from shredded beer mats
- The Tunnel Network, mirroring the pub’s layout with rehearsal rooms, storage vaults, and a dedicated crumb‑aging cellar
- The Stageworks, where they build full theatrical sets scaled for human audiences
Humans know all about this. They’re proud of it. They brag about it to visitors.
🍽️ Gerbil Cuisine: The Pride of the Bluestocking
Every dish served in the Bluestocking is prepared by the all‑female gerbil kitchen brigade.
Their Signature Creations
- Button‑sized pies with perfect crimping
- Miniature roast dinners assembled from donated scraps and curated crumbs
- A “Micro‑Ploughman’s” that has won local awards despite being the size of a coaster
Humans place their orders at the bar.
A gerbil waitress — often wearing a tiny kerchief — scurries off with a thimble‑sized notepad.
Minutes later, a team of four delivers the dish with military precision.
Women rave about the food.
Some come weekly just to watch the service ballet.
🍻 Front of House: The Gerbil Bar Staff
The gerbils run the bar with astonishing professionalism.
- They pull pints using a pulley wheel powered by synchronized running
- They deliver drinks on tiny wheeled platforms
- They ring the last‑orders bell with a solemnity that moves some women to tears
Tips are given in cashews, crisp fragments, and occasionally a grape (shared communally).
✊ The Gerbil Workers’ Collective (GWC)
The GWC is a powerful, respected union of all‑female gerbil workers.
Their demands include:
- A guaranteed weekly crisp spill
- No vacuuming during rehearsals
- Recognition of their theatre troupe as a cultural treasure
Human patrons support them wholeheartedly.
A sign behind the bar reads:
“Women stand with the GWC.”
🎭 The Bluestocking Gerbil Theatre Company
This is the beating heart of the pub.
The Sets
The gerbils build full, intricate sets:
- Matchbox mansions
- Beer‑mat prosceniums
- Working curtains made from shredded bar towels
- Fairy‑light rigs operated by a dedicated lighting crew
Women gather around the floor grilles, pints in hand, to watch the shows.
The Repertoire
Their most acclaimed productions include:
- Waiting for Gouda
- The Importance of Being Earnestly Chewing
- A Midsummer Night’s Squeak
- Noises Off (Literally)
Standing ovations are routine.
Women stamp their boots; gerbils thump their hind legs in return.
🤸 Acrobatics & Interpretive Dance
Between acts, the gerbils perform:
- Tightrope routines along electrical cables
- Mid‑air flips using the hanging baskets
- Interpretive dances exploring themes like “The Tunnel That Collapsed Too Soon” and “The Eternal Quest for the Lost Crisp”
Women adore these performances.
One described them as “Cirque du Soleil, but with more whiskers and more emotional honesty.”
🔔 Gubbins: Triangle Prodigy
Gubbins is the rising star of the orchestra.
- Her triangle (a bent paperclip) rings with crystalline clarity
- Her timing is flawless
- Her solos routinely move audiences — human and gerbil — to tears
She is the pride of the colony, though she still forgets to brush her fur before performances.
🍺 Glenda’s Ongoing Struggle
Glenda is beloved by all.
She’s trying to stay sober.
She attends the Sawdust Sobriety Circle.
She means well.
But every so often, she’s found curled up beside a puddle of stout, muttering that she “just needed a whiff”.
The women patrons never judge.
They simply place a gentle barrier of beer mats around her until she wakes up.
🧶 Maud: The Gerbil Who Lives in Two Worlds
Maud is the only gerbil whose name doesn’t start with G.
She is also the only one to have successfully emigrated.
She now spends much of her time at Knotty and Pistey’s house:
- Eating battenberg cake
- Knitting tiny garments
- Watching daytime TV with scholarly focus
She returns to the Bluestocking with gossip, crumbs, and knitted gifts.
She is revered in both worlds.
🦦 Weekend Door Security: The Capybaras
On Fridays and Saturdays, the Bluestocking’s doors are guarded by two serene, unflappable capybaras.
Their names are Clarise and Clarabell.
They don’t speak.
They don’t need to.
Their presence alone prevents trouble.
If a disagreement arises, they simply lean gently against the offender until she calms down.
Women adore them.
Gerbils respect them.
They are the quiet giants of the Bluestocking.
🌟 A Pub Like No Other
The Bluestocking is a place where:
- Women gather
- Gerbils cook, serve, perform, and unionise
- Capybaras keep the peace
- Everyone leaves happier than they arrived
It is a community, a theatre, a workplace, and a tiny, furry revolution — all run by women.