How would you deal with T in a friendship group?

[FourSevenTwo]

How would you deal with T people around you? In general and in my situation?

The main question:
A male in a friendship group decided to go full TW, starting hormones and so on, changing name to the women's form and coming out with pronouns.

Unfortunately, our language is heavily gendered*. For example, instead of Hi Alex, you would say Hi Alexi for a man and Hi Alexo for a woman. If you want to say anything in past tense, like Where were you yesterday, you have to use men's or women's form for were.
This means it is not really possible to ignore it in direct interaction.

I'm not willing to pretend through language that I see him as a woman. I don't and won't. But I don't insist on calling him him. There are some not great alternatives (it, plural - with it's own verb forms, switching to English), but they are all very noticeable.

I'd like to find a solution for our coexistence in this friendship group. I'm not asking about a language solution here, more about an approach.

I'm considering

1. reaching him with a message, saying I've heard the news, and I can't affirm, but, I'd like to keep things civil, so is there some alternative we can agree on?

2. ingoring the issue and limiting communication on grammatically neutral constructions (which will be limiting and obvious after a time)

3. some other option?

To answer possible questions.

• I'm GC woman - in the adult human female sense, in the gender identity terminology I'd claim agender. I absolutely understand people are unhappy with gendered roles, I just don't believe that trying to become/pretend to be/claiming to be the other one is the solution. And I'm sure one can't change sex.

• It seems that majority of our shared friends are willing to be kind, some believe it, some just don't care, men with no skin in the game.

• *I'm elsewhere in EU, not a self-ID country. I don't ask about legal aspects, just personal approach. Discussing in my country's forums would be hard, as we are a small population.

• The group is about games, meeting at someone's home, so no issue with single sex spaces, and generally gender doesn't play a role in the group's activities.

• Yes, I'd like to try to keep the group if possible. I see it as a political topic and I don't need to discuss politics all the time.

• Edit to add : I've name changed for this one. Sorry it is long. And yay, I've managed to force the formatting to behave!

One of the features of men who claim to want to be women is very little knowledge about being a woman actually involves. Rather lending support to the theory that it's all a male gaze view / fantasy of 'woman' not the reality of being a woman that they're identifying into. They also don't identify into unpaid caring, generally speaking.

I mean it's not rocket science to know that even if a woman doesn't have a uterus she can still have an ectopic pregnancy - and in fact that this is extremely dangerous.

The fact this is not known suggests not seeing women as fully human (not bothering to know basic facts).

Ah, internalised homophobia is still a thing. Or do you mean you're attracted to women not men?

Mr Menno gets cross and waspish sometimes but he's brave, he can be quite a sweetie and he's done some lovely interviews. Oh, and his satirical songs are very funny and on the nose.

Exactly. In threads like this I’m just to amazed at the lack of understanding and basic ignorance. These people really do think that women are just a thought in their heads and to hell with the messy/real/biological realities.

Also there is the issue of the expression of femaleness as highly sexualised/nails/hair flicking combined with male freedoms of expression/behaviour that must be quite dangerous for the individuals concerned. While men can wander about and largely do as they please, women have to be more careful/risk averse. There is a known epidemic of VAWG. We’ve been schooled in this all our lives - keys between fingers, avoid being lone female etc. I am very sorry for the PP who was raped and I hope their attacker is properly caught/sentenced. But it does make me wonder how many young trans identifying males will put themselves at risk by being naive to all of this?

(like when my male colleague announced without a care in a work meeting that if his wife got pregnant then he would take paternity leave. He had no thought that this statement might get him sacked or his career stalled. Completely ignorant of the risk he was taking compared to the women who have to navigate it all the time)

Something that also has struck me as being red flag territory is when people who deny having an ideological belief about sex categorisation classify scientific fact as ‘gender critical belief’ and thereby put themselves and others at risk.

All because they have rejected and dismissed material reality about science as being an ideological stance that they have framed as being harmful to them.

To me that is the very core of ideological behaviour.

I don't tell a healthcare person I'm a transsexual unless they need to know. I have in the past, but they didn't believe me so now I don't bother unless they really need to know. My records say female.

Transsexual women face the same worries that cis women do late at night. I've faced too much harassment, especially at night, and have to be just as risk averse. Sticking to well lit areas, sending my friends my location, etc.

That's not something men even think about.

Then you choose to put your health at risk and your decision puts other people at risk of harm.

Thank you for being honest.

How am I putting other people at risk of harm?

I don't have internalised homophobia? Why would you think I do. Me being a straight woman attracted to men has nothing to do with gay people.

I don't think Mr Menmo is brave at all. I think he's a horrible obsessed anti-transsexual. He's not funny either but jokes are subjective. He just comes across as very.... weird and sad.

I thought we weren’t “allowed” to use the old lingo of transsexual and transvestite? Has that changed again?

“Transsexual women face the same worries that cis women do late at night.”

Transsexual women Male people who belief they are not male face the same some of the same worries that cis women do late at night..

There is undoubtedly a cross over broadly in safety worries. They are not the same however.

Similarly, I also believe that some men have some of the very same worries that women do too. Having some of the same worries about safety does not make any male person female though.

I'm a transmedicalist and I use transsexual as I have fully transitioned physically. Transvestite has nothing to do with transsexualism and is literally just what gender non confirming is.

Yes - so many difficulties with that statement. It depends on so many other factors. Im a tall woman (so tall TIMs always look at me to see if I’m a bloke which I find a bit creepy) so I get a lot less hassle/risk than more diminutive wims.

You are joking right?

Men beat up other men for looking wrong or being in the wrong place all the time. Of course men who are at risk of this take it into account when they go out.

I think you have a very stereotypical idea of what "men" are. Which is not surprising given that something in your past caused you to mentally classify yourself as not one of them.

You need a list? Is that because you cannot perceive the risks you put other people in?

Should I tell you to google? Isn’t that what you tell others….

I have the exact same worries as my cis friends when we go on a night out. You can deny that, but it won't change the fact.

Yes - thats the point! Duh

Googling "what harm do I my name cause to others" didn't come up with much!

You have transitioned to a male person who has had extreme body modification though. Not to any type of female person.

We have the same worries as we are all women and know what men are like.

I've transitioned to become a woman. A transsexual woman, but still a woman.

Yet you will still need to get screening for prostate cancer and not cervical cancer.

When I categorise all men as a risk in saying that because I don't know which men "are the good ones". Until it's no men, it will be all men in my eyes and the eyes of my friends. If that's sex stereotyping, I don't care. It's what we need to do to keep ourselves safe.

In other words, you are a man through and through.

And again, thank you for the live demonstration on just how important accurate language is for accurate communication.

You know what men are like because you have lived experience of being male. Yet, you have just force teamed female people’s oppression from male people to attempt to convince people you are female.