Germoleen is currently crying and rocking in a corner.
Poor lamb has been tasked with writing the script for the Health and Safety at Work Act 1974 musical
It's hard going.
🐾 “The Act That Guards the Whiskered Soul”
A surreal recital for community hall and gerbil ensemble
[Scene: A draughty hall in Lower Tiddlewick. The audience is mostly pensioners, toddlers, and one confused vicar. A velvet curtain twitches. A gerbil in a tiny hard hat steps forward. Fog machine wheezes. Accordion hums softly.]
Gerbil Narrator (earnestly):
In nineteen seventy-four, it came,
A scroll of law, not just a name.
To guard the paws, the claws, the tail,
To keep the work from turning frail.
[Gerbil Chorus enters, dragging a miniature ladder and a clipboard the size of a postage stamp.]
Chorus (chanting):
Section Two! Section Two!
Bosses, heed what you must do!
Provide the gear, the training wheel,
Even for a rodent’s zeal.
[A gerbil in a fluorescent tabard attempts to operate a stapler. It explodes confetti. Applause.]
Gerbil Narrator (with rising emotion):
Section Three, the world beyond,
Not just your staff, but those who bond—
Visitors, ghosts, and passing moles,
All deserve safe working roles.
[A mole puppet is lowered from the rafters. It nods solemnly.]
Chorus (in harmony):
Section Four, the building’s bones,
The pipes, the tiles, the haunted zones.
Keep it clean, keep it bright,
Even when the fuse box bites.
[Lights flicker. A gerbil faints. Another fans it with a risk assessment form.]
Gerbil Narrator (whispering):
Section Six, the tools we wield,
From whisker comb to sword and shield.
Design with care, and mark with grace,
So no one falls into disgrace.
[A gerbil unveils a tiny wheelbarrow labelled “Ergonomic.” The crowd gasps.]
Chorus (now in minor key):
Section Seven, workers too,
Must act with care, not just chew glue.
Don’t endanger, don’t ignore,
Even if the snacks are poor.
[Snack table collapses. A gerbil in a judge’s wig appears.]
Gerbil Judge (booming):
Section Thirty-Three, beware!
Break the rules? You’ll face my glare.
Courtroom drama, tiny fines,
And possibly revoked designs.
[Finale: All gerbils gather. One plays a triangle. Another releases a balloon shaped like a clipboard.]
Gerbil Narrator (tearfully):
So let this Act be more than law,
But something felt in every paw.
A pact of safety, fur and grace,
In every hall, in every place.
Chorus (softly, fading):
For every shift, from dusk to dawn,
Let no good gerbil be withdrawn.
The Act shall stand, the whiskers proud,
Health and Safety — say it loud.
[Curtain falls. A single gerbil remains, sweeping the stage with a toothbrush. The audience weeps. The vicar claps twice.]