In The Bluestocking Gerbils' Origin Chronicle I came across some references to court orders and injunctions and to say my curiosity was piqued is an understatement.
So I went digging for the proper scandal, the stuff that is passed along in hushed whispers, usually with a gin in hand. Here goes:
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The Great Seed Embezzlement
In late 2024, the Treasurer Gerbil was caught siphoning sunflower seeds into a private stash hidden inside the accordion case. The union nearly collapsed when it was discovered she’d been trading them for unsanctioned pumpkin seeds (a controlled substance after the Pumpkin Riot of Thread 2). She was quietly replaced after a plea deal: two weeks in the cage wheel and no millet.
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The Diva Gerbil Wars
- The lead clown gerbil (stage name Madame Whiskers) refused to share the limelight during Cirque du Gerbeil.
- She insisted on a gold-threaded waistcoat and an exclusive “seed rider” of only black sesame.
- Her rival, Lady Furface, retaliated by releasing fleas into her dressing room.
- Result: a fur-pulling brawl mid-performance, which the audience mistook for avant-garde physical theatre. Standing ovation.
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The Fire-Eater Fiasco
During their brief flirtation with pyrotechnics, one enthusiastic gerbil attempted to swallow a lit match in Beckett’s Endgame. Instead, she set her whiskers ablaze.
- Half the troupe doused her in ale.
- The other half insisted it was “symbolic.”
- Critics later dubbed it “the most searing performance of the season.”
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The Secret Love Affair
Two of the union’s leading lights, Penelope (a bass-baritone known for her storming “Modern Major Gerbil” patter song) and Clara (prima donna of the Pirates of Penzance chorus) were discovered having clandestine moonlit trysts atop the snug’s dartboard.
- Scandal broke when Clara missed a matinee citing “exhaustion,” only for Penelope to be spotted carrying wilted rose petals in her fur.
- The romance nearly split the company — until they turned it into a La Bohème parody that ran for three sold-out nights.
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The Backstage Coup
Rumour has it that for one brief, chaotic week in spring 2025, the gerbils actually did take over the Bluestocking.
- They locked the bar staff in the cellar, rewrote the drinks menu (“All ales replaced by seed slurries”), and announced a season of exclusively gerbil-written plays.
- The productions included:
- Waiting for Seedot (absurdist, six hours long, no one clapped).
- A Midsummer Night’s Gerbil (mostly squeaking and a donkey mask made of tinfoil).
- Gerbil: The Musical (closed early due to a chorus-line stampede).
- The coup ended when the Lioness strode in, ordered a pint, and the gerbils remembered who actually pays for the barley.
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The Ongoing Feud
There remains a simmering rivalry between the Theatrical Gerbils and the Rhythmic Gymnastics Gerbils.
- The thespians claim the ribbon-twirlers “lack depth.”
- The gymnasts accuse the actors of “over-squeaking.”
- Every Christmas, this explodes into the Annual Bluestocking Talent Show, where sabotage is rife: ribbons tied in knots, scripts rewritten in pawprints, seed bags “misplaced.”
- The pub regulars wouldn’t have it any other way.