Do you have an escape fund for your DD?

[VioletSpeedwell]

I've been thinking about my Aunt Dot this morning.

When I was in my early 20s she said to me "make sure you have a secret account, just in your name, with money in it so that if you ever need to leave your husband, you can."

I assumed she said this because she'd grown up in poverty with a violent father in the 30s and 40s.

Im 60 now with a daughter in her 20s. She's saving for a house deposit and I'm thinking of setting up an escape fund for her in case she ever needs to leave a man - not necessarily a violent one.

Anyone done this?

No, but I am familiar with the advice, it was always given to me growing up in a family with similar abusive men.

I ensure I am financially stable myself with savings. This helped me when I left my marriage a decade ago. I still maintain the same savings/independence so it is there if my DD ever needed it, rather than being a specific pot for her.

I think it is sensible nowadays that couples have a saving account that could be used to separate if it is necessary. If you are in a situation where it is safer to keep it a secret, do so.

My husband gives me no cause for concern. I still have money tucked away that he knows nothing about...

No it sounds absolutely mental. Have you been reading too many airport thrillers?’

No. I wish I had squirrelled away one for myself as I was financially trapped for many years. What I have done though is making sure my post-divorce house is adaptable enough for both my DDs and any grandkids to stay here if they needed a safe place.

@Estheryme too! It’s also useful when you want to buy them gifts as a surprise!

I encouraged my daughter to work hard and get a job that would enable her to be independent for life irrespective of any relationship. I’ve also reminded her of the impact on her independence and her pension if she reduces her hours after having a family. She’s married now, to someone with a similar career. They went into the relationship as financial equals.

I think this is better than having a few grand in a secret account and hoping it will all work out.

No. Just experiencing life, and reading various Relationship boards. Be grateful you haven't seen or experienced it yourself.

I have been through an awful divorce where I had to leave quite suddenly and left everything behind. I had no support. I vowed this would never happen to my dc. So I do have a fund for them. They don’t know about it. My now dh knows about it and has contributed. We’ve used some to help our son when his relationship broke down. He had moved away to be with his partner but it didn’t work out and he needed help to get back home (moved abroad) and then help with deposit for rent. Luckily my other dc haven’t needed it.

ive bought my now adult children up to be financially secure and to always have their own money. They vividly remember the tough time we went through when they were young.

I think it would be wise to have savings and to tell her if she ever needs to leave a relationship you’d support her transition, but I’d not call it an escape fund incase she becomes defensive about a current relationship and thinks you’re judging. Keep the drama low.

My daughter bought a house with her boyfriend, they have their own accounts and a joint one for the house expenses. She has spreadsheets and is very organised, completely unlike me.

It’s worth noting if your husband dies it’s also a nightmare when things get frozen and you can’t get any money out. Always best to have a pot in your own name to make it easier. Last thing you need to be thinking about is taking photos for setting up bank accounts.

Wish I’d made one for me. When the time comes I will be making sure she has one.

I set up a joint account for me and my mother (funded from our own earnings, fairly small amounts put away each payday) not because my father was abusive but because he would get scandalised if he thought we spent too much on (for a example) a short culture-vulture city break, or birthday presents for him.

We eventually realised he was autistic (hated holidays, remembered childhood poverty).

For most other purposes they had joint accounts.

After he died, when we went to the bank to change names and sort out the savings/investment accounts we referred to our one as our 'running away fund'. with a hasty explanation of how and why we used it. All the bank officials were very approving of our having it, and of the r-a-f concept. Strong sense that if they weren't so professional that could tell some sad tales.

So I'd say go for it.

My mum always taught me to have a divorce fund, just in case. Never kept secret. Her advice also: "never get married, never have kids". She is in her 80s, married for over 50 years and has only recently decided to spend her divorce fund - on a cruise for her and my dad!

Seems a sad and suspicious way to live.

No. I have three DDs and barely enough money to keep myself afloat.

They are all adults and capable of having their own 'running away' funds, should they so choose. I can provide a safe space, a room and a listening ear if they need to leave their partners. I can't afford to provide money as well - that's up to them.

This would not be legal.

You can't just have a bunch of secret bank accounts abroad like you see people do in gangster movies. This is because they are typically used for tax evasion, money laundering, fraud (hiding funds in breach of a court order, bankruptcy restrictions, divorce proceedings etc). You will need to at certain times to disclose all assets and accounts, and interest and income earned (including abroad if relevant).

My nans advice was have a pocket he knows about and a pocket he don't.
Yes i took that advice and told my son the same.

Ive been single for years so now i call it my back up pocket.
If shit hits the fan for any reason im okay.

Raise your daughters not to rely on a man, even if you decide to have children with them. I have an escape fund for myself, if I had a daughter it would be available to her.

Back in the olden days - ie before 1975 when women were finally allowed to have bank accounts independent of a husband or father - women were encouraged to ask for jewellery as gifts. Jewellery is worn on the person, so not get-at-able by someone with ill-intent in the same way as a box of cash under the floorboards, and can be sold to raise funds in the event of a quick getaway being necessary.

Thus the trope of “diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”

No but I am teaching her to be financially independent and have everything in her own name including savings. She will always have my home to run to as long as I live and we are putting it in her name anyway once she reaches 18 with a clause that later another name can't be added so she will be the only one who owns it.

Why on earth are you doing that? Terrible idea.

Why?

No children, so no. But I was given that advice by my mum (2 expensive divorces, 3 financially abusive relationships). Always have a running away fund. Not necessarily secret, but under your sole control and easily accessible.