Do you have an escape fund for your DD?

[VioletSpeedwell]

I've been thinking about my Aunt Dot this morning.

When I was in my early 20s she said to me "make sure you have a secret account, just in your name, with money in it so that if you ever need to leave your husband, you can."

I assumed she said this because she'd grown up in poverty with a violent father in the 30s and 40s.

Im 60 now with a daughter in her 20s. She's saving for a house deposit and I'm thinking of setting up an escape fund for her in case she ever needs to leave a man - not necessarily a violent one.

Anyone done this?

Your mum rocks.

So bloody weird. Frankly if you’re reduced to squirrelling money away from your spouse why even stay married? It’s 2025 🙄. Surely most adults can support themselves these days we are not serving maids thrown out in the snow. And if you divorce and hide assets that is not allowed and won’t impress the court.

You live a very privileged life if you can’t image why some women may not be able to support themselves.

Actually thinking about it I am mean one in our marriage his salary goes into the joint account for us both and I have my own business that only I can access. And now actually I earn more than him so all big spends are up to me. We’ve basically role reversed but not intentionally.

Well I world be quite concerned and surprised if a woman could not support herself. Pretty much every woman seems to go back to work now.

No need. I’ve spent a lifetime teaching my dds about the true nature of men and what to look for and what to avoid. We have lovely men in our family and hardly any divorce so I hope by now they know the model and won’t need a ‘divorce fund’. They always have a home with me any way.

You can't just have a bunch of secret bank accounts abroad like you see people do in gangster movies

I was thinking of a joint account with Nat West - me and her - not a Swiss Bank account.

Edited: duplicate post

They always have a home with me any way

Until you're not there.

No I don't have an escape fund for her but she'll have a house in her name by the time she's grown and if she lives with an unpleasant man she can just call the police and have them remove him. If she marries a man and they buy a property together she could always be using that one as an Airbnb and move into it.

Should men have a secret account they keep hidden too ?

You sound sadly ignorant about the reality of life for many women both today and… well, forever, actually.

I have two relatives who would benefit from such a fund. As would my mum have done.

my granny told me to ‘keep two purses’. One for the house & one for me. It was her way of telling me never to be financially dependent on someone else. I don’t have a secret pot for my daughter, because I’d want to save for my son too & can’t afford it right now. If I could, I would.

lighthearted - I have one, and one day many years ago, we were listening to Jenni Murray on Women’s Hour talk about how all women should have one. My DP asked if I had one, and when I said yes, he offered to add to it.
We have now been together for nearly 40 years and never actually needed to use it. But I still have the means to leave should I need to.
Everyone should have one, not just women, but men too.

My Mother gave me £30k when I left my abusive partner when pregnant with the words “Go back to that man and I’m writing you out my will”. She was a hero doing that. I could’ve managed without the money but it meant I could buy a nicer house.

There was a time I was naive and thought you shared finances and trusted the person. I learnt the hard way a lot of people out there are not decent human beings so we do have to protect ourselves for our children’s sake if not for ours.

You’ve obviously never been in an abusive relationship and needed to escape. It’s prudent to have the financial means to do anything sudden in life, whether it’s buying a new washing machine or being able to pay the first month’s rent/bond on a new flat.

Sadly 2 women a week are killed by male ex partners or current partners in the UK. So it's not unfortunately a moral panic or something overreactionary. It's quite sensible. Until men change, we need to find ways to keep ourselves safe from them. Reality sucks.

I give her advise to never be financially reliant in a man. I’m too poor to save for myself let alone a just in case fund for dd. But she knows no matter what she can always come home, no matter what my financial situation I will take her in and sleep in the living room if she has enough kids to need more than one bedroom. She lived through me leaving her abusive father and while she was too young to remember she’s working it out as she grows up and sees what he is like. I know she knows I’m serious when I say my children can always come home

Anyone can experience domestic abuse (in a whole spectrum from emotional abuse to physical, sexual and financial abuse). And there are also many unhappy marriages that are not abusive, but still unhappy: it was the norm in previous generations for women to be trapped financially in a marriage that they couldn’t easily leave. Still today, women’s poorer earnings relative to men and time off to have children mean they are often trapped in situations that are difficult to exit. I was the main earner (and owned the house purely in my name) in a similar situation, yet still unable to leave because I could not afford childcare without him, nor did I have enough spare money of my own for legal advice. Lots of women find themselves in situations like this, even if they have no family experience of domestic violence or abuse.

(And for those on the thread who think it’s “mental” to have an escape fund - have you never talked to other women you know about their lives? Many of them will have experienced such situations and it doesn’t take much effort to imagine.)

Plus it’s really not illegal @Christinapple to have other bank accounts — no idea where you get this idea from. Lots of people have multiple accounts and ISAs: I’ve myself acquired five or six accounts over the years, not that there is much in them sadly! (my main current account and a savings account with a high street bank, a second current account and savings account with a building society and a couple of random ISAs somewhere.) Years ago during the credit boom banks were giving accounts out like smarties. As long as you are using the tax allowances correctly and paying the right amount of tax on any interest there’s nothing illegal at all about it. Many self employed people need to operate multiple accounts and it’s long been common practice for many couples to have one or more joint accounts, plus accounts in their own names as well.

I was the main earner (and owned the house purely in my name) in a similar situation, yet still unable to leave because I could not afford childcare without him

Good point about the cost of childcare.

And it's all very well to say "I've raised my daughter not to be financially reliant on a man" but I would say most couples become financially dependent on each other. It usually takes two incomes to buy and maintain a home.

I know MN seems to have a high proportion of career women on £100k with a penthouse apartment but in real life the admin worker and her bus driver partner or the hairdresser and her mechanic husband are financially reliant on one another.

Do you think all the women on this thread who agree with this must have 'generational domestic violence' in their past then?

I do see what you mean to some extent, but plenty of women get abused with no history of violence

. It's v unhelpful to mock this as 'weird' when all types of women suffer abuse and finances are one of the key things that keep victims trapped.

I absolutely do. And she’s not even married yet

I don’t mean to imply it’s weird. What I meant is if you didn’t see this in your extended family, you’d think it was weird. you can kind of see this with some of the reactions in this thread.

(and yes, saying a phenomenon is more prevalent in some groups doesn’t mean it’s absent in others. We must always talk to
our daughters about the male capacity for violence and how to protect ourselves)

I'm not planning a separate fund but I will make sure she know we will always help her if she needs it.

Sadly I do.
My dd had made some odd choices in the distant past, traumatic enough that my mom (dd’s grandmother) set it up, I’ve added to it, kept it “for her”.
she’s aware of it.
Her partner is financially controlling and will prevent access to family funds on a whim. So in emergencies I can transfer her a bit.
She’s in the process of leaving the relationship, but it’s a slow process for several reasons. She’ll need it as a start up fund.