Do you have an escape fund for your DD?

[VioletSpeedwell]

I've been thinking about my Aunt Dot this morning.

When I was in my early 20s she said to me "make sure you have a secret account, just in your name, with money in it so that if you ever need to leave your husband, you can."

I assumed she said this because she'd grown up in poverty with a violent father in the 30s and 40s.

Im 60 now with a daughter in her 20s. She's saving for a house deposit and I'm thinking of setting up an escape fund for her in case she ever needs to leave a man - not necessarily a violent one.

Anyone done this?

If you have a relationship in which you feel the need to do this then you should have already left.

If it later comes to divorce and your partner isn't demonstrably abusive or controlling and you've kept secret money like this then arguing your case for fair distribution of assets will be much harder.

Nonsense that it'll make it harder during divorce - unless you dont declare it and the court finds out. What matters is declaring all your assets at that time.

It astonishes me that there are some people on this thread who really cannot understand that a woman who has been financially controlled by her abusive husband often cannot “just get a divorce.” Making any sort of move to leave is the point at which he is most likely to become violent. Please, spend some time on some of the other boards on MN where women are going through just this - and if, having done that, you still don’t understand, then you are supremely blinkered, lacking in any real imagination, or probably a man.

Women in that position need to be able to sneak away without him knowing, get completely away from him to where he cannot reach them, and then start divorce proceedings. To do this they need money, and if he is controlling, then it needs to be money that he knows nothing about.

Women down the centuries have known this, and have prepared for it. It is not new, it is not weird, it is survival.

And that the best man in the world can get ill, develop dementia, fall prey to a conman etc, leaving financial chaos behind.

We are all advised to have a readily accessible fund of our own that will keep us going for three to six months - if anyone can help a family member to set up and sustain that then good.

Women in that position need to be able to sneak away without him knowing, get completely away from him to where he cannot reach them, and then start divorce proceedings. To do this they need money, and if he is controlling, then it needs to be money that he knows nothing about.

True. And this begs the question - how much is enough? We're not talking about a few nights in a hotel but - if your DD is a SAHM or works part time - a deposit for a rental and possibly 6 months rent up front!

It's fine to say they can always come home but one day you won't be there.

No but now you've said it, I will make one for her ( she's only 10 atm )

Actually disappointed I didn't even think about it tbh. I live in the area I'm in now because I moved fleeing DV when my DC 1 and 2

No, it's practical...

Never mind a divorce fund. Every person should have an emergency fund. Putting a bit away from every pay packet. Not buying a silly impulse purchase and putting the cash into savings instead. It's about teaching good habits and fiscal responsibility.

All my kids are women and I drilled this into them from childhood.

I don't, but have resources I could access if I needed to. My dad gave me a cheque for two grand once and I didn't tell DP 😂

My finances are completely private and so are DPs, I hope DS learns from this and builds his own life to serve his own needs first.

In my 'circles', most of us were over 30 when we had kids, and all of us went back to work. We all have supportive parents who love our partners but that would help us escape in the blink of an eye should it become necessary.

The key as always is education. People need to know their rights, and to learn categorically that despite the romcom industry, love is absolutely not enough. Moving in with a guy because you 'love him' is a fucking nonsense. So much more has to be in place before you chuck in your lot with another adult.