I’m Trans, Here’s My Story

[SnugPeach]

Hi I’m Trans, I know I’m essentially coming into what some would consider the wolf’s den by coming here to make a post. But I’m also a strong believer in trying to help people to understand and am happy to explain my story and experiences if it helps to enhance others understanding.

I kind want this thread to be AMA but also to give a bit of backstory. Now I know some of you are going to hear the next few thing. I say an immediately just tell I’m confused or misled, but yes I have Autism. I was diagnosed at a young age, but Autism is just one part of me. Had being Autistic affected my gender? Maybe who knows, I am me, Autism is not something separate thing that it’s me.

Anyway I’ll try not to waffle as I do tend too. I’m currently 28, have been DIYing for 1 and half years. Have everything updated and changed, Name, Passport etc. I also extensively researched everything I could on HRT over the years as the NHS system takes year and years to be seen.

During Childhood really I was I guess you could say less aware of ‘gender’ than my peers as I was for most things. I was heavily bullied at school by the boys for being ‘weird’, they’d call me ‘gay’ not that I understood what that meant but I doubt they did either, it was the early 2000s afterall. Where as on the other hand I was quite friendly with the girls, they didn’t bully me and treated me often with compassion and I’d enjoy spending time with them. Unfortunately even they would get bullied from time to time for associating with me. The boys often disdained at my lack of interest in football or other ‘boy’ things. Instead I loved working out technology how things worked, along with people. Despite being Autistic I have always been fairly sociable even if it’s been riddled with difficulties and learn curves and I still struggle with that today, but I love connecting with people and sharing feelings.

Skip forward to Secondary School and here is where a few things happen. I’m still very behind my peers in my understanding of allot of things. My feelings on my gender are neutral are based purely on fact of I am what I am because how can I not be. It did learn about Transgender people but it didn’t still click for me. I remained still extremely cautious of the boys but was more of a loner. I wanted more girl friends but the social dynamic had changed. I viewed most of the boys as idiots and bafoons. They would do the dumbest stuff like all this stupid competitive crap and honestly a majority of time I found myself sharing my female peers feelings towards them. It was around this time I found myself more aligned with Femininity and started to self describe as a feminine-guy. But still I would be considerate and respectful towards the girls who knew saw me as a boy even if not the same. Afterall who could blame them when I myself felt the same way. My Mum taught be about the day to day struggles women deal with and I very much took that to heart. Honestly the way some of the boys acted towards girls in my class outright appalled me. I became invested in Feminism and equal rights which also spanned I to my experience with Autism and my own femininity (which had been policed just in the opposite direction, aka made fun of/discouraged). In the later years of Sixth Form I became friendly finally with people again after some therapy which also arose from me being on my own (was supported by a ta for most of my schooling, we had an autism centre in the school I went too) I grew very close to the girls in the group we would natter and gossip about all sorts. I kinda felt honoured that they considered me trustworthy enough to include in conversations they didn’t include the two other guys in. Also around this time people started asking me if I was Gay I was mostly confused, because I wasn’t Gay, Asexual yes technically (but did not have word for that yet), But not gay. I liked Women but romantically only.

Fast forward it’s university and I became a sort of shut in again. I commented to Uni and after my first year I hated the course. But my Mum refused to let me take a break or quit as by the time I’d had enough I was ‘halfway’ so her logic was to push through. Not that my degree has done anything for me. Anyway this is where feelings first started. Now in my early 20s I was finally catching up to my peers not that I’ve ever full caught up. I was fully realised as a feminine guy, however that never felt right. I also still felt outcast for this. That’s when I finally started to explore gender. Upon turning 18 I hate being called a Man and tried desperately to get people to call me a Guy as it felt less Man more neutral. So I after university came out as non-binary, I started to pass my nails get my hair dyed, But it still didn’t feel right. My Mum supported me until I bought a Jumper from the women's section. I cared deeply about my mum and her backlash was enough to push me back in the closet back to bring a feminine guy, but now my mum instead of being sensitive around my gender, it felt like she empathised my manners, which honestly disgusted me. I near had a referral for the gender clinic back here but due to this I basically let it go. One of things that made me so happy was just how unmanly I was including the fact I didn’t start growing any sort of facial hair until I was in my mid 20s and I grew and kept my hair long and it made me so so happy. Anyway back I went for a few years.

Then after finding out about Femboys it all came back, maybe this is what I am. But I quickly came to the conclusion again this was not right. I realised deep down I wished I where born a girl. I had thought that my childhood would have been easier if I was, the my behaviours would have been more acceptable. Which bought me great internal conflict. Afterall I’m a feminist. I adore the women in my life and my immediate reaction was one of disgust and hate for myself. How could I feel this way when I knew full well I struggle women have to deal with, the stereotypes my femininity fell into, the fact I could be a man and be all these things. I had a privilege one that I understood yet never felt, because I completely hated everything about being a man. So many parts of myself were restrained or restricted and I felt completely uncomfortable with myself. It turned out I was asexual for example because I couldn’t see myself as a man in situation like that ever. Still I spent the next 2 years fighting over all this with myself internally. I’d let my mum know and our relationship soured even more so because it. Over the course of the 2 years I fought with myself daily over my feelings, one side of me telling me what I was feeling was an offence to the women (cis and trans) I cared about. The other side in full acceptance that I did feel this way. I’d give away anything ANYTHING to have been born in a body that matched my mind. Again I don’t want to be a Male, full stop. I always have felt more female than male and why that’s something that’s not easily explained it’s just how I genuinely feel. All the acknowledgment and beliefs about you don’t have to be a girl to be feminine don’t seem to matter the logic doesn’t apply to that feeling.

Eventually with the support of some friends I finally go back to get a referral. Meanwhile completely separate thing but my Mums health was getting worse. She had Breast Cancer on and off since I was young also. I 2023 she was finally made terminal after over 23 years since her first diagnose (probably 5ish years of remission between first first and follow ups). Her being made terminal was a big wake up call for me for many things include this situation. For a while the debate stopped in my head because it was filled with worry about her but once that eased off (she lived about a year longer than they predicted) it all came back and hit me really hard. I was training 27 at the end of year. I was miserable my body disgusted me and I didn’t want to waste anymore time wondering if HRT would help and if it would allow me to finally put to bed some of my feelings. So I started to DIY just before my 27th birthday. I felt a tonne better within the two weeks and despite the fact it’s not like a magic bullet pill that took away all my dysphoria and stuff it’s helped to insane degree. My Mum obviously did not support me which was hard and broke my heart deeply since she was the women I have always looked up the most in my life. That all it’s own story really.

Right now I’m sort of back I a bad way. Sure due to my Autism amongst other things I still have allot of mental health issues. I’ve never worked, have allot of anxiety, issues with depression but again I had these before transition and arguably they where better and being more manageable after until the Court Ruling early this year. Since that ruling I have been referred and put back into Therapy again because of the effect it’s had on me amongst other stuff going on. I’m honestly terrified of what it all means. All I want is to live my life in peace as myself. I know you’re all going to have different views on what that should look like but all I ask is to have some empathy. I’m literally scared, I just want to be like any other woman and get on with my life. Instead it feels like the whole world is crumbling around me and people view me as undesirable, undeserving and less of a person. Tell me who would sign on to feel like this?

it’s just so hard for me. I’m not even sure if what I’ve said is any good but I’ve just tried to describe best I can my experience and how I feel. I wish you all a pleasant day and please feel free to ask anything. Also apologises for any bad grammar/spelling mistakes, Dyslexic too.

@Tiprrr Have you read some of the heart wrenching posts on here (MN/this board/this thread) from women being excluded from single sex spaces, spaces that should be a life line for someone who has experienced and is trying to survive extreme violence and trauma and who cannot access those spaces because men pretending they're women like to occupy them?

And you airly hand wave away that woman's right to that single sex space?

As for TiM - there are female transgender posters on here who have explained how they use gender neutral spaces or plan journeys so they can use toilets at home. Why, because they recognise the distress they may cause women. Funny how our visitor today didn't have the same insight did he?

That’s exactly how some women would feel with a male bodied person using the women’s toilets.

Why do you believe that your discomfort and fear is more important than theirs?

Happy to talk you through it but maybe this will help first:

For anyone who wants to know what should be considered for evaluating risk of this sub group of males to show that they have a risk level not less than any other male in the UK of committing sex crime, have a read through the statistics for males who have transgender identities who commit sex crimes in the UK

Firstly, This was a question answered earlier this year:

https://questions-statements.parliament.uk/written-questions/detail/2024-12-16/20298.

Question from Rebecca Paul (MP Reigate): To ask the Secretary of State for Justice, with reference to the HMPPS Offender Equalities Annual Report 2023-2024, published on 28 November 2024, how many of the 50 transgender prisoners who reported their legal gender as female were convicted of a sexual offence.

Answer from Sir Richard Dakin (MP Scunthorpe): 23 December 2024
Of the 245 transgender prisoners who reported their legal gender as male (i.e. those who now identify as women, non-binary or gender-fluid) on 31 March 2024, 151 were convicted of a sexual offence. This includes both contact and non-contact sexual offences. Offence data was not available for 1 individual.

Of the 50 transgender prisoners who reported their legal gender as female on 31 March 2024, the number convicted of a sexual offence is five or fewer. We do not provide exact data for such small sample sizes as it risks identification of individuals. This approach is in line with our standards on data disclosure.

To put this into perspective with what we already knew from FOI information. I posted the information to a regular poster from FWR on another thread, who did not acknowledge the information at all, so it seems sticking the info here is appropriate:

Here is data from the MoJ

Here is an FOI request from 30 April 2024

https://www.whatdotheyknow.com/request/populationoftransgenderoffend/response/2641337/attach/html/7/FOI%20240322022%20Annex%20A.xlsx.html

Up to the 31st March 2023, the MoJ stated that of the 88 male transgender prisoners with one or more sexual offences.

The breakdown was
48 rapes,
0 attempted rapes,
10 Sexual assault or attempted sexual assault,
13 causing or inciting a child under 16 to engage in sexual activity,
0 indecent assault or gross indecency
6 sexual activity with a child under 16
0 other

77 listed here.... BUT there is a total of 88 in the total so there is 11 crimes not noted.

Possessing or making indecent photographs or pseudo photographs of child has not been recorded in this FOI.

However, there is are further discrepancies in the data of the following when you look at TOTAL NUMBER OF TRANSGENDER PRISONERS SENTENCED FOR A PRINCIPAL SEXUAL OFFENCE.

1 causing or inciting a child under 16 to engage in sexual activity
3 rapes
2 sexual activity with a child under 16
3 Sexual assault or attempted sexual assault,

This equals 9 additional... however the sum for TOTAL NUMBER OF TRANSGENDER PRISONERS SENTENCED FOR A PRINCIPAL SEXUAL OFFENCE is 99.

Therefore 2 more sex crimes have been hidden from this data.

There were 203 males who were declared as transgender in the prison at the time.

There were 24 NB who were not segregated into male and female. What is key here, is that THIS IS NON-GRC HOLDERS. And we all know that males holding GRCs have increased and they are excluded from this data.

NO female people with transgender identities were sentenced to a principal sexual offence. There were 41 female people with transgender identities in UK prisons at that time.

As a comparison, I have stats that say as of April 2019 that the general male MoJ data for male sex offenders was just 16.8% of the male prison population.
And there were 3.3% of female people in UK prisons were sex offenders.

I will leave you to do your own sums. But... even using the figure of 88/203 is 43.3%. (And that doesn't include making or possessing indecent photographs of a child remember.)

By the way this exercise was done in 2021. And I checked this data myself from the data source and it was correct at the time. So, it will give some back ground to the above.

The ones that say that in the March/April 2021 data collection period, the MoJ stated that of the 97 transgender prisoners with one or more sexual offences.
The breakdown was

40 rapes,
8 attempted rapes,
31 possessing or making indecent photographs or pseudo photographs of child,
32 Sexual assault or attempted sexual assault,
20 causing or inciting a child under 16 to engage in sexual activity,
10 indecent assault or gross indecency
9 sexual activity with a child under 16
27 other

The 97 sex offender transgender prisons collected 177 sentences between them.

And that according to that FOI 197 prisoners are transgender.

This is why NO SUB GROUP OF MALE PEOPLE SHOULD BE EXEMPT FROM RISK ASSESSMENT. This group of male people still retain the same male pattern of committing sex and violent crime.

But please, do tell us all exactly how a male person with a transgender identity changes for the purpose of safeguarding risk from all other male people in the UK?

Can I identify as a super star? Is that an option now? I quite fancy the money and super stars are clearly real.

I can hold a tune on a karaoke machine so that must mean a company must affirm my super star identity and give me a record deal otherwise they are being haters. You must also buy my records. Afirm me damn it. My new name is Tyler Swyft.

I am sorry about the way the OP treated you on this thread @Taztoy. Please don't feel like a fool, you are not at all. The OP is the one who has shown themselves in a despicable light by their blatant disregard for you.

Take care of yourself.

I would argue that the OP has pretty regressive views about both sexes, which has led to this belief that they can't be male because they don't fit X,Y,Z stereotype.

I'm not sure what they think is going to happen if they use a male toilet. For most part they'll probably be no one else in them!

Can I ask how you know the OP is of no risk to anyone based simply on what they wrote? You have no idea who this person is and whether or not they are a harmful person. I’m intrigued by the idea that a trans person, just by being trans is always given the benefit of the doubt they are safe and harmless but males presenting as males are not.

I’d feel incredibly uncomfortable, downright terrified to use the men’s toilets.

But presumably you have used men's toilets since you were about 8 years old?

If men have a problem with other men (dressed as women) using their toilets, that's an issue you men need to discuss and sort.

The OP is using the women’s toilets because that’s how she identifies and feels safe there, she is no risk to you

No, the OP is a man. He is using women's toilets, dressed as a woman, and it's now against the law.

There is no defence however much you try to dress it up and say there is no risk.

How naive are you?

Thank you.

So any man who is at risk of male violence - gay men, small men , whatever can come to the ladies if that makes them feel safer even if it makes women feel less safe ?

stanps foot - that’s so unfair - women feel unsafe no one cares , men feel unsafe and we have to let them in - can’t you see the one sidedness of this? The one rule for men ( how they feel) and another for women ( whose feelings can’t be allowed to matter )

Then this is also relevant to the topic of male people with transgender identities versus female people with transgender identities.

I can dig up another if you prefer which also points out that female people on testosterone don't really compare strength wise to male people. Hence there are very few female people taking testosterone competing against male people.

Again, this is part of analysing the safeguarding risk of male and female people accessing opposite sex spaces. It is acknowledged that female people do not pose a physical danger when compared to the average male person using that space.

From Dr Hilton and T Lundberg. This contains great information and quantifies some of the differences. You will find this study is very well referenced by many who use the findings to explain male pubertal advantage.

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40279-020-01389-3

Transgender Women in the Female Category of Sport: Perspectives on Testosterone Suppression and Performance Advantage

Abstract: Males enjoy physical performance advantages over females within competitive sport. The sex-based segregation into male and female sporting categories does not account for transgender persons who experience incongruence between their biological sex and their experienced gender identity. Accordingly, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) determined criteria by which a transgender woman may be eligible to compete in the female category, requiring total serum testosterone levels to be suppressed below 10 nmol/L for at least 12 months prior to and during competition. Whether this regulation removes the male performance advantage has not been scrutinized. Here, we review how differences in biological characteristics between biological males and females affect sporting performance and assess whether evidence exists to support the assumption that testosterone suppression in transgender women removes the male performance advantage and thus delivers fair and safe competition. We report that the performance gap between males and females becomes significant at puberty and often amounts to 10–50% depending on sport. The performance gap is more pronounced in sporting activities relying on muscle mass and explosive strength, particularly in the upper body. Longitudinal studies examining the effects of testosterone suppression on muscle mass and strength in transgender women consistently show very modest changes, where the loss of lean body mass, muscle area and strength typically amounts to approximately 5% after 12 months of treatment. Thus, the muscular advantage enjoyed by transgender women is only minimally reduced when testosterone is suppressed. Sports organizations should consider this evidence when reassessing current policies regarding participation of transgender women in the female category of sport.

This second study is from Harper et al.

bjsm.bmj.com/content/early/2021/02/28/bjsports-2020-103106

Conclusions are in line with Hilton & Lundberg.

For information (considering many people will seek to discredit based on alleged bias) Harper is the transwoman who has released some sports studies in the past that had some methodology issues.

Reading this thread @SnugPeach you ought to be as fearful of entering women's toilets - not just men's.

I don't think women here would hesitate to tell you where to go!

I would, for sure.

@SnugPeach

'I’m not trying to come into any space and invade."

By using women's toilets (and possibly other spaces intended to be used by women only, not trans identified men) that is exactly what you are doing. You are invading that space.

The fact that a woman has directed you to that toilet is immaterial - that woman cannot unilaterally give away that space to men on behalf of all other women. The vast majority of women and girls find the presence of men in spaces intended to be used solely by women and girls deeply, fundamentally threatening (no matter how those men style their hair or what clothes they wear). They feel that fear for good reason, because women and girls are so vulnerable to physical or sexual violence from men.

It doesn't matter that you might not be intending to do any woman or girl any sexual or physical violence when you are invading their single sex space. The women and girls in that space can't tell that just by looking at you. Plenty of trans-identified men have raped or otherwise attacked women.

You say that you have done a lot of work to listen to and understand the female experience. But you have absolutely zero empathy and understanding of the vulnerability of women and girls to male violence if you are prepared to invade their single-sex spaces in the way that you do, just to make yourself feel better about your gender dysphoria.

Can you not see this?

Op’s piss poor attitude shown on this thread is exactly why we need laws in place to protect single sex spaces.

You say all the women around you are "allies to trans people" but are any of them actually transmen? "Allies" seem to know very little about the reality.

It's not symmetrical.

Transmen don't usually use men's spaces. It's not safe for the transmen. Transmen are usually noticably not men or at last not "manly" men and that makes them very vulnerable to predatory men. They either aim for the safety of women's spaces or - tadaa! - unisex which will either be individual or there will be other female people and protection around.

There are exceptions. Some young transmen are just very naive. There's a recent phenomenon where many young girls have a romanticised and sanitised notion of what gay men are like and they think they're safer finding sexual/romantic partners who are gay men not heterosexuals. Instead these youngsters are extremely vulnerable, to heterosexual men who go into gay men's spaces specifically to perv after the transmen, and also to gay men who often have a pretty rough and ready approach to sex themselves. If the gay men don't notice or don't mind who is giving them oral sex then they don't treat these young girls the way they want to be treated; and if they do notice and object they can get very angry.

However transmen can be a threat to women. They can look manly enough to be unwelcome in women's spaces. So the kindly ones keep out. And they can present a real danger because exogenous testosterone raises aggression.

So, there it is.

I think transmen shouldn't be using the gents. Men have rights to privacy and dignity as well. I don't have any opinion on why transmen want to use the men's though, it's not an issue I give much thought to.

I also understand that testosterone is a powerful drug and a transman on T with a beard is going to run into problems trying to use the womens.

And again not anti trans, just don't want men in women's single sex spaces, and the word woman is already taken, so those men who wish they were women need to find a different word to describe what they think they are doing, because they are not living as women.

oh mate.

Here you go, i am going to give you a lesson in how to be a woman.

I have spent a lot of my life in male dominated industries. I Have been to several seminars on how to write so that my emails and letters aren't immediately being spotted as being from a woman. There are LOTS of things to lean. One of them is to be a bit dictatorial, tell people what to do.

Believe me, we can spot it a MILE off.

It's not our place to solve where trans men or trans women use the loo. There are some loos that are available to both sexes.
Obviously the accessible toilets are the most obvious but then you'll get people protesting about that as they are taking over a space for the less able or people with health issues.

The issue really is that most men are prejudiced against trans women.

That's for men to solve.

However, I would call out a trans man if she appeared in a loo and I wasn't sure if she was a man or a woman.

Isn't it odd how so many of these men are computer guys. Just an observation, not sure what to make of it.

"Genuinely? Do you think women are predatory then using men’s spaces?"

No. It seems that women are motivated by different reasons to reject being female. Some female people with transgender identities use male single sex spaces. Many do not. Many choose alternative options.

Those which do use male spaces may feel that they cannot because they have chosen to take testosterone which may then cause some female people to read those body cues as being male and become distressed.

This was discussed clearly in the SC judgement. The judgement that clarified the law, by the way, that you are encouraging the OP to ignore.

Some female people will use male single sex spaces, and I don't believe that they should. Because male people deserve single sex spaces too. However, those female people also do not carry the risk of committing sex or violent crime that the general male UK population does which is why we have segregated spaces based on safeguarding in the first place.

The opposite is true of any male person with a transgender identity that enters into a female single sex space to use it. There is no evidence that those male people carry the same or less risk of committing sex or violent crime as the general female population of the UK at all. They still at least carry the same risk as the male population of the UK.

I don't think men using womens toilets is against the law as in a prosecutable offence like US bathroom bills, but its certainly foul of the Equality Act. Enforcement of the EA has always been patchy on all characteristics.

I think it is now.

R.e. transmen using the men's facilities etc. personally I don't have a view as being a woman I don't feel I can speak for all men.

Transmen are welcome in women's facilities as long as they are still identifiable as a biological woman.

If one who didn't came dashing in saying "I'm trans, I'm a biological woman, I need a tampon from the machine" I'd be like "sure".

Generally transmen seem much more considerate and respectful of others.