Flakiness/Not contributing to work gifts

[Truthfully555]

Well I am getting sick of flakers. At my work theres a mix of men and women, probably a little more men 6:4-7:3. Anyway, I'm getting rather a negative impression of female colleagues and it's making me think this a female trait. I've been in a group of 5-6 workers for 10years. Every year or two someone leaves or moves to other positions/locations in the company where we no longer see/work with them but I'm happy to stay. As I'm the senior I will organise leave gifts and there's a predictable pattern that the women either sign the card but never offer to contribute or offer but flake. I never have this with the men. Men are almost falling over themselves to do the right thing and not to appear mean or cheap. Well, gifts are usually in the region of £15-20 it's typically something small, card plus chocs or some small gesture which means divided between 4-5 it really a tiny contribution for each person. As it's a small amount when people offer but don't come through I just ignore it, but after years of this I decided to follow up on an offer and the response was radio silence. Now again, a girl says she'll pay end of week. It never happens. A week passes I don't mention it. Another week passes, I send a message "oh sorry I forgot to send my bank details", she says she'll do it payday. Nothing. Next week comes says she was going to give change but instead will just do transfer. Another week passes. I would never get this level of faffing around from a guy and I wonder if she's really that scatter brained or her offer is disingenuous and she's just expecting me not to call her on it. She's 30 not 70, has no kids or family to worry about. Maybe something is going on in her life, but don't we all have something going on? I even made it clear in message to others for collection that it's completely voluntary if they want to contribute and the message was in individual PMs not a group chat. Why has not one woman ever contributed? Do we need strong emotional connections to put our hands in our pockets now? Why is it so difficult to simply give because ITS THE RIGHT THING TO DO?

1. Are the women and men on the same pay?
2. Do both men and women have the same childcare responsibilities, eg women have kids but the men don't (provide)?
3. I find women tend not to put their hand in their (non existent) pockets for people or causes they don't like.

Maybe reflect that leaving/birthday gifts might need to stop. There was a lot of threads during covid lockdown of people wishing their companies would stop this, esp considering the CoL crisis. Same with Secret Santa.

Is it the same people not contributing every time, or do you have such a high turnover of staff that the team refreshes with completely new staff every few years?

If it's long term staff not contributing, maybe they're fed up of buying leaving presents for people who haven't worked there long Or if they're relatively new, they don't feel embedded in the team enough to be contributing to leaving gifts.

Ultimately they're telling you they don't want to contribute, so maybe stop the gifts and just get a card?

As the Senior person (with hopefully a larger salary!) I'd expect to make up the shortfall if a leaving collection is a little small. Or I'd ask my line manager to sign the card and she will almost certainly give very generously too.

If someone doesn't give but signs the card, I'd assume either they are on a very tight budget or didn't work closely with him/her. Perhaps consider sending the card round for signing with an envelope for donations so the giving is private.

My experience has been the opposite. Generally, the women reliably contribute and organise the card/buy the gift. But I may have just been very lucky with my colleagues!

I do always contribute to these things but I totality understand why some people don’t. We go to work to earn money. Why should someone be required to pay into things constantly? There’s always something…a birthday, a leaving, a charity walk, Christmas buffet etc. You don’t know people’s finances and what’s affordable for them. It should be good enough that someone comes to work, does their job, then goes home. And in real like it’s not always women who don’t contribute. You have a tiny sample size there.

I don't contribute because I go there to work. I don't earn THAT much. I'm not stingy, I'd happily buy people I like treats and family members I adore.

£10 contribution to work colleague, no thanks.
£10 on buying my parents or siblings a McDonalds meal deal, yeah sure - I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

For example, if I am ordering something online crisps/sweets (not great) I will ask my siblings if they want anything so I can get free delivery etc?

I'm giving these examples because to my work colleagues I am stingy, but to my family members I am generous. Its about matter of priorities and care for me.

Plus, women tend to have caring responsibilities and be on a lower salary compared to their male counterparts statistically speaking.

Sounds like, other than you, this is a fairly transient group of colleagues who maybe haven’t known the leaving person that long and don’t feel like they need or want to contribute to a gift.

Leaving gifts are not “the right thing to do”, they are a choice and not everyone thinks they are important. You said you send individual messages asking if people want to contribute - many people would feel obliged to say yes in response, even if they don’t want to.

Stop doing the collections??

Why is it so difficult to simply give because ITS THE RIGHT THING TO DO?

Why is it the right thing to do?

Why is it so difficult for you to understand that they just don't want to contribute and that is their choice and a valid one which you should respect?

And stop hounding that woman for money, she probably offered because she felt she had to but clearly doesn't want to.

Leave her alone.

I even made it clear in message to others for collection that it's completely voluntary if they want to contribute and the message was in individual PMs not a group chat.

If it's completely voluntary why are you hounding colleagues and saying in your post that contributing is the right thing to do in shouty capital letters? 🫤

Perhaps they think that as a manager, presumably on higher pay than them, you could out your hand in your pocket to the tune of £20 rather than hounding individuals for £1 or 2 each? There must be a point (probably after the first email tbh) where your continual messaging and their replying costs the company more than you are asking for - maybe worth considering making or a company expense? rather than an excuse to judge your colleagues

I think I just stopped as I'm in debt and can't afford it. Unless it were the two people I work closely with, I just don't any more. Maybe you're underestimating how hard up people are?

It’s only the right thing to do if it’s the right thing for you to do and you want to do it!
I was forever getting passed envelopes for leaving / wedding / birthday / baby etc gifts and it got beyond a joke. I don’t miss that part of office life one bit!

Yes we are all same pay regardless of time in position. In fact when managers leave we contribute to this too, no matter they are on x1.5 but it's a good point. Sady no, same pay, same jobs. 😄
I should add that non contributors often send nice messages to the person so it seems we get on or they're just big ole liars 😄

Are you on a wind up? How has your colleague not complained about you harassing junior members of staff for money?

She's 30 not 70, has no kids or family to worry about. Maybe something is going on in her life, but don't we all have something going on? Firstly, she’s not a ‘girl’, she’s a woman. Secondly, it’s sod all to do with you what she’s got going on in her life. Perhaps she doesn’t tell you because she finds you judgemental.

I even made it clear in message to others for collection that it's completely voluntary if they want to contribute and the message was in individual PMs not a group chat So you lied? Because you couldn’t make it less optional if you held her upside down by her ankles and shook her until her pockets fell empty. You’re the one who is being disingenuous.

Men are almost falling over themselves to do the right thing and not to appear mean or cheap So men are concerned with their image in the office. Women are concerned with making sure they’ve got enough petrol money to last the month. Perhaps it’s a male trait. Perhaps the men are coming home and asking their wives and partners to help them out with some cash because they’ve stuck all of their money in a collection pot so that some judgemental mare on a higher salary doesn’t keep pestering them, or tell anyone that they’re tight.

Do we need strong emotional connections to put our hands in our pockets now? Yes! If it’s a choice between sticking a fiver in a collection, or going without something because I can’t afford to do both, then I’m going to have to really like them before I go without.

Why is it so difficult to simply give because ITS THE RIGHT THING TO DO? Says the person who earns more than the people expected to contribute. Because it’s not ‘the right thing to do. It’s regular demands for cash from someone who presumably earns more than them. If it bothers you that much and it’s such a tiny amount then you bloody pay for it.

Uugghh the obligatory work collections …adopt a family baby gift weddings retirement Christmas gifts and on and on and on. It’s old fashioned to persist in asking people to donate repeatedly and from the sounds of it frequently to coworkers gifts. Modern workforce environments don’t do this anymore. Yet there is always always always one person who just persists in perpetuating the gifting becuse it’s nice or it’s the right thing to do. Just stop it. And stop hassling your employee to donate.

Where to start with this post…
You as a senior member of staff are paid more than your colleagues.
YOU think it’s the right thing to do, that’s your opinion not fact
You also have no idea about your fellow colleagues finances, who are you to judge that?
People can spend their money on what they want
You need a hobby, going into this much detail is not healthy.
If you’re that bothered and worked up about it why don’t you just pay for the gifts yourself?

They don't give one time and not another. They never give. It's not a few dinosaurs because no one stays more than 2years. People in the group change but the gender not giving stays constant. Rarely a guy won't but it's always been a girl that doesn't. Everyone stays at least a year and we don't work independently we work together, I think it's just a nice thing to do and they know that they'll be getting a gift when they move too. These are small gifts not lavish. There are positions in different locations so typically people are just transferring closer to home.

No it's not long-term and it's not short term. The only point that stands out is gender so that's why I'm querying this

Employee?? We are all the same 😄I'm really not hassling. There's one person who didn't offer and that was that. She did offer and that's why I have messaged. If youre not going to do something then don't say you will.

These are presumably people who are not well off and may be paying off debts. They don't know any of these colleagues well as know one stays long-term. You are expecting them to contribute to gifts on the basis that they will then get a gift themselves, but that's not how they want to spend their money. You are forcing them to spend money on something that you want to do, but they might not have it to spare.

This Martin Lewis video is about Christmas obligatory giving but the same principles apply:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KIXFSnNewQ&t=3s&pp=2AEDkAIB

Honestly OP take the hint. Keep the cards and ditch the gifts. You are not doing THE RIGHT THING here.

If you were a senior level of staff in my work place I’ll be putting in a formal complaint against you for harassment. Leave people alone!

No, I don't expect anyone to contribute because they'll get one - it's just the dynamic that exists. Sometimes people don't want to lose out, if they think they won't get the same treatment they're less likely to chip in. That's not the case here. That's the only point of that information.

Being women it's quite possible they're under greater financial strain. But we are talking £2-3 once every 6months 😄

Like I said, it's voluntary, the point I'm querying here is that it's one gender standing out who doesn't.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the dynamic that actually exists is that your DOING THE RIGHT THING is annoying to your colleagues and they will tell you whatever they think will get you off their backs as quickly as possible in the moment. In other words, the woman in your OP has no intention of actually giving you any money. Having written that, this is the guess of a stranger on the internet, so maybe ask her if you actually want to know.
No idea why women are more likely to fob you off and men to give in. Not a large enough sample group, I'd say, to explain it via differences in socialisation or constitution between the sexes.

I don't know women vs men but in general I just hate this crap. Im happy to maintain a cordial, professional, and respectful relationship with my coworkers and I simply hope for the same from them. If I become friendly with one I'll take it upon myself to get them a card or gift for whatever, but otherwise I don't need nor want a cake or card from my coworkers on my birthday I usually take that day off anyway. As for last day just take the team out to lunch and pay with corporate card.

Yes I get it I'm a crank.

I haven't been asked to contribute to one of these since my whole office started 100% telecommuting. Luckily no one thought of asking for bank transfers!! Back when we did this in the physical office, whoever was buying the gift passed a card in a folder with an envelope for contributions, so even the organiser didn't know for sure who'd contributed. We only did it for retirements; otherwise we pitched in to take the person out for a few drinks and whoever didn't want to contribute didn't go.

Can't you just give everyone a deadline - "if you want to contribute to Caroline's leaving gift, I need the money by 5 PM on Wednesday" and whoever misses the deadline isn't included? That way you wouldn't have to front money you may not get back (I'm assuming that's the case with the person who keeps not sending you the money as promised). If you're routinely not getting enough completely voluntary donations to buy a small gift, maybe it's time to stop? People's discretionary income really isn't going nearly as far as it used to.