Flakiness/Not contributing to work gifts

[Truthfully555]

Well I am getting sick of flakers. At my work theres a mix of men and women, probably a little more men 6:4-7:3. Anyway, I'm getting rather a negative impression of female colleagues and it's making me think this a female trait. I've been in a group of 5-6 workers for 10years. Every year or two someone leaves or moves to other positions/locations in the company where we no longer see/work with them but I'm happy to stay. As I'm the senior I will organise leave gifts and there's a predictable pattern that the women either sign the card but never offer to contribute or offer but flake. I never have this with the men. Men are almost falling over themselves to do the right thing and not to appear mean or cheap. Well, gifts are usually in the region of £15-20 it's typically something small, card plus chocs or some small gesture which means divided between 4-5 it really a tiny contribution for each person. As it's a small amount when people offer but don't come through I just ignore it, but after years of this I decided to follow up on an offer and the response was radio silence. Now again, a girl says she'll pay end of week. It never happens. A week passes I don't mention it. Another week passes, I send a message "oh sorry I forgot to send my bank details", she says she'll do it payday. Nothing. Next week comes says she was going to give change but instead will just do transfer. Another week passes. I would never get this level of faffing around from a guy and I wonder if she's really that scatter brained or her offer is disingenuous and she's just expecting me not to call her on it. She's 30 not 70, has no kids or family to worry about. Maybe something is going on in her life, but don't we all have something going on? I even made it clear in message to others for collection that it's completely voluntary if they want to contribute and the message was in individual PMs not a group chat. Why has not one woman ever contributed? Do we need strong emotional connections to put our hands in our pockets now? Why is it so difficult to simply give because ITS THE RIGHT THING TO DO?

If it really is only a £20ish gift around every six months, could the most senior person / company owner count this as business expense / gift from the company? It seems silly if it's this small an amount for employees to contribute a couple of pounds (and who wants to do a bank transfer for £3?!)
this would save all faff for all involved!

Maybe this is a question of gender (in the sociological meaning, being brought up with social expectations) rather than sex.

I suppose men (of this bubble) are socialised in a way where looking tight is a big issue, so they just pay up and don't think about it.
Women are more often socialised in a way that they just pretend to go with the flow, but are not committed.

In the end, it looks your leaving gifts routine is uncomfortable for your colleagues. If it is trully voluntary, you shouldn't know who contributed and how much it was. You can try the cash jar setup, or switch to just a card. If the leaving gifts are generic chocolates, it might be the easiest for everyone.

If I like someone I get them something personal. It sounds a complete pita tbh!!

I worked somewhere where everyone chipped in a small set amount a year, optional, and a nominated person organised flowers for bereavements, gifts for leavers etc. Cards were left in a certain place for people to sign.

Or your company could give you a small budget.

I guarantee you that what is going on here is that the women who dont contribute dont like the person leaving much.

Shouldn't this be in AIBU ?

I agree. It's not what she meant. She meant that 70 year olds would be dithering, amnesic and probably dribbling in a corner as well as incapable of knowing how to make a bank transfer. Well, as 68 year old woman with a pretty high powered job I'd tell her to stick her collection right up her sexist, ageist, handmaiden fucking arse.

You think 70 year olds have a lack of mental facilities? Fucking hell.

Yeah... there was at least a suggestion of forgetfulness, possibly early dementia.

As I said, some young people are very naive. A 70 year-old would eat the OP for breakfast without salt.

But why should they have to pay for a gift for someone just because they switched jobs after two years? If that person was their friend they'd already be buying them drinks and stuff anyway.

Contribution is voluntary. Why can't the company put in £15? Or otherwise just send a card.

Maybe OP would like to come back and explain what she meant by her ageist sounding comment.

Could it be that the men want to be seen as generous in front of YOU? Are you attractive? Is there a possibility they want to impress you in particular and that it is not about the leaving present but about being seen to be contributing?

Is there a male/female divide in the office? Do you interact differently with the men and the women?

This male/female division of contributing to the leaving presents is particular to your office only so it could be the there is a strange dynamic going on.

I would rather have a card with lovely messages from my colleagues than a token £15-20 gift. I'm going to stick out my neck and suggest that the women are more likely to leave thought out personal messages and the men are more likely to say "good luck in the new job".

I suspect you are still stuck in a pre-Covid era where everyone stuck a couple of quid or whatever change they had in an envelope.

I'd suggest sticking with the card (particularly if they are just moving within the company) and not bothering with a gift. Or, if you are the senior person, buy a gift yourself on behalf of the team. If, for no other reason than it saves you an organising job.

When i worked in a factory there was constant collecting for some cause or another, women leaving to have babies, wedding collections, people leaving, sometimes it was happening every week.

At the time I lived on my own, on a low wage, had to scrimp on food, so I used to dread these collections, there was a lot of pressure to contribute. I hated it; no one wants to appear mean, or for people to pity you because you can't afford to contribute a couple of pounds, but when you're on a low income it can make a difference to how much you have available for food or electric.

A few years later I was at college as a mature student, there were a few other women older than me on my course. When it came to Christmas, one of the women ( who owned her own restaurant) wanted to give our tutors bottles of champagne, with the cost split between us. There was no way I could afford that; I was working on the days I wasn't in college and not earning much. So I said no, but if I'd have been younger I may have felt pressured to contribute.

So it may not be a case of being flaky, perhaps your colleagues just can't afford it. And in my experience, women are held to higher standards than men, and judged more. The men I've worked with are less likely to be involved in stuff like this, and excused. So no, I don't agree women are more flaky in this situation.

Just me then 😀

Personally I don't think it should be anywhere as it is just nonsense, but it was clearly put here on S&G to let the women on here know just how much better and more generous men are than 'flaky' women.

I wasn't clever enough to see that. My immediate thought was "Oh dear, this person seems a little confused and posted in the wrong forum". Which happens from time to time.

You mean someone found a point ? I must get to specsavers.

I work with one male manager who never contributes to any collection. I’m actually starting to think he’s got the right idea as no one expects him to now .

I work part time so salary is less than others , however not a week goes by without a collection for someone for either moving job , leaving job , birthday, new baby , family member passed away, promotion, the list goes on . I know it sounds mean but I also have a large friendship group from an old job who do the same .

No not just you. But I'm assuming it's here because OP wants to give us women a scolding somehow. It makes a change to be scolded as a mean/cheap sex class instead of enlightenment about cross dressers.

Your sample size is too small; your data are compromised by a failure to allow for confounding factors; you suffer from confirmation bias; and, your own behaviour is potentially affecting the results of the experiment.

Not specific to work scenarios but on the whole, I would find men to be more immediately, obviously generous across most settings. I think this is actually quite gendered, part of the role of being provider, a kind of 'Let me get this', 'not show myself up' kind of thing. It doesn't mean men are necessarily kinder or better because of this, it is very complex and like I say, partly comes from gendered expectations. I'm in Ireland and tightness is about as big a sin as there is. For both sexes but perhaps especially so for men.

Why is this in feminism? Do you think it's a feminist issue? I mean it could be, far more likely that your female colleagues are shouldering the lion's share of mental load in managing family finances and are better at prioritising their children/family/bills above 'looking good' whereas men will put their hands in their pocket and skint themselves rather than look 'less manly provider' - I'm just inventing that as I have no real idea but it would be my hypothesis. Otherwise I have no idea why the women in your office don't like contributing to gifts. As a manager I don't like birthday gift work collections and don't do them. I buy each member of the team a £5 chocolate box for their birthday and we all sign a card. Leaving/maternity leave is different and I've never noticed a sex difference on who contributes and I would never ask an individual twice - if they don't volunteer a contribution after the first general email that's that.

Personally I think £15-20 is way too much for a colleagues leaving present and card. My daughter works full time, lives with partner, has a mortgage and she hardly has any cash at the end of the month. Any more than a fiver isn't necessary.

You wouldn’t have to admit you can’t afford it. Just say you don’t want to contribute.

I’m thinking back a long time ago to when I was new, nervous & desperate to make a good impression, & how young women like that would feel now if put in that situation.