I’m been on my own during the last week and a half and my daughter is coming back at weekends now. She needs to graduate in medicine and has to go back to get some things signed off and has a very limited window to do this. They’re being supportive of her situation. She’s back home tomorrow until Saturday. After that she’ll be F1 and will have to work weekends and shifts in a hospital. I want her to do this; she has worked so hard. She is being amazing, and we are talking a lot.
I have friends and neighbours who are being really helpful. And I also need some time alone, which I am getting. I can’t leave the house by myself because of bumping into people who might want to talk to me and I feel too vulnerable. I have someone to walk the hound with me every day; a small pool of people who are willing. I prefer to go in the evening when it is quiet.
I wish I could tell you all the grim medical requirements they have to do with his body. It is such a long process and the stress of it is interfering with my fundamental need to grieve.
I am focussing on small things. Eating, showering, wiping down a surface in between the prolonged admin. My daughter has been brilliant with supporting me with all the admin.
A very lovely thing happened the other day. My garden backs onto a very private woodland. There is a short fence. My next door neighbours (I’m in a small group of cottages) are awful people; he has been very unpleasant in the past. There is a significant gap at the bottom of my garden which is next to a path to his large shed (and his tractor) which he walks up and down, and he sometimes stays there to do DIY stuff. He was aggressive to my son on one particular occasion and I’m reminded of it when I see him.
My corner neighbours came round and the man has agreed to cover that area by building a tall fence with a tall gate in it. This will block my view of the awful neighbours and give me direct access to the woodland. I will be able to walk there if I am not feeling up to facing the village, and I will be able to sit in my garden and feel private and peaceful. I’ve had a lot of kindness from people. But this act of kindness feels so deep. To imagine being able to sit, with my son in my thoughts and heart, in a peaceful place, is giving me something to hold on to. They are on holiday for a week from today, but the wood is being delivered to me while he is away.
It is my birthday today. My son was going to take me to our favourite restaurant. My lovely next door neighbour on the other side has invited me to hers for lunch. That feels manageable and very kind. We are close and she lives alone. A friend is making me a cake and dropping it off by the door this morning. Eating is difficult currently, but she has made this cake before for me and my son and we enjoyed it together. I am going to try to enjoy this moment with him again in some way.
I feel a bit odd about just checking in and disrupting the flow of the Blue Stocking chattery. But I do feel your care so much, and wanted to connect with you too.
Love Swash.