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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

My neighbour is convinced I'm in love with them

36 replies

Andoutcomethewolves · 31/05/2025 09:56

My neighbour is a 'transwoman' (I'm using the quotation marks as they're basically a bearded bloke in a dress). They're VERY predatory towards women. Now the latest thing is they've decided I'm in love with them and that's why my DH doesn't talk to them (he has very valid reasons not to, they've tried to set up sexual situations with three of his closest female friends who are gay or bi). But I have to walk past their flat every day to get to work or the shop and they always come out winking and leering at me to try and get me to join them for a cider or something. I know they've had 'pyjama parties' with other neighbours who are quite vulnerable.

This is actually making me uncomfortable to leave my flat and I don't know how to deal with it. Help? Not really sure what I'm asking but they rant at me about being transphobic if I don't reciprocate their advances. Wondering if I should report (we're in HA housing)

OP posts:
thirdfiddle · 31/05/2025 11:39

You seem to have a load more social interaction with your neighbours than is normal or necessary. Just say 'Morning Jamesina', and politely brush off anything else. Don't invite him in your flat. If he says inappropriate stuff don't try to answer politely, just say 'that's not appropriate' and leave. If he starts ranting about transphobia, just walk away. He's using that as a lever to try to make you engage with him. If you don't react, he'll eventually realise it's not working and stop.

What makes you think he thinks you fancy him? More likely he either thinks you're best girl buddies and has bizarre ideas about how best girl buddies behave, or he's deliberately making you feel uncomfortable because he gets his rocks off on that.

Andoutcomethewolves · 31/05/2025 11:54

thirdfiddle · 31/05/2025 11:39

You seem to have a load more social interaction with your neighbours than is normal or necessary. Just say 'Morning Jamesina', and politely brush off anything else. Don't invite him in your flat. If he says inappropriate stuff don't try to answer politely, just say 'that's not appropriate' and leave. If he starts ranting about transphobia, just walk away. He's using that as a lever to try to make you engage with him. If you don't react, he'll eventually realise it's not working and stop.

What makes you think he thinks you fancy him? More likely he either thinks you're best girl buddies and has bizarre ideas about how best girl buddies behave, or he's deliberately making you feel uncomfortable because he gets his rocks off on that.

I live in a big HA block so basically any time I go out I come across a neighbour, I don't think that's unusual?

The reason I think he thinks I fancy him is him saying my DH won't talk to him because I'm in love with him 🤣

Although I would agree with both your second points, he has very weird ideas about female relationships for someone who identifies as a woman

OP posts:
SpryCat · 31/05/2025 11:59

Look him dead in the eyes and say fuck off

thirdfiddle · 31/05/2025 12:01

The reason I think he thinks I fancy him is him saying my DH won't talk to him because I'm in love with him 🤣

Why wouldn't you set him straight that you were happily married and not interested in anyone else? He can hardly call that transphobia. So if he's genuine, he no longer thinks it; if he's still saying it, it's just to try to get a rise out of you.

Andoutcomethewolves · 31/05/2025 12:06

thirdfiddle · 31/05/2025 12:01

The reason I think he thinks I fancy him is him saying my DH won't talk to him because I'm in love with him 🤣

Why wouldn't you set him straight that you were happily married and not interested in anyone else? He can hardly call that transphobia. So if he's genuine, he no longer thinks it; if he's still saying it, it's just to try to get a rise out of you.

I obviously did! He still appears to think I have a crush on him

OP posts:
Andoutcomethewolves · 31/05/2025 12:08

SpryCat · 31/05/2025 11:59

Look him dead in the eyes and say fuck off

This may be the way to go (DH has done this already)

OP posts:
LilaTwirls · 31/05/2025 12:11

Is it April 1st? 🤣

thirdfiddle · 31/05/2025 12:20

Ugh what a creep. Maybe he's completely deluded, I still think it's more likely he's playing nasty harassing games and pretending to think you fancy him is part of the game to excuse his own bad behaviour.

Either way I think you just grey rock. Demonstrate that you find him very uninteresting. I personally wouldn't completely blank, but just politely say good morning and don't stop to chat. (Which is what I would do with my very lovely neighbours most times I see them anyway.)

I don't know how much you have tried so far at backing away from the connection. It sounded like you may have been trying to be nice, in which case backing away more even if not straight out blanking may get the result you want. If you have already given absolute minimal engagement a try and he's still bothering you then it probably is harassment and worth logging and reporting.

Hoppinggreen · 31/05/2025 13:12

I very much doubt he actually thinks you fancy him
He is just unwell

IwantToRetire · 31/05/2025 21:57

As you landlord is a HA do you have a Housing Office? And if you do, are they any good (most are useless jobs worths!)?

You could try contacting them and say this is becoming like daily harassment. And if there anything they can do?

Most HAs have an anti social policy. Have you ever seen one, or is it listed on their web site. If they do may make more sense to read that first.

And yes tenants can be evicted for anti social behaviour, but I suspect the HA will not think this is a serious as someone who tried to break down neighbours doors, or other physical actions.

And it will no doubt be a long process.

As you say it is a large block, is there a tenants association or something. If so raise it there, and find out if anyone else is having problems.

Whichever approach, as others have said, you need to start keeping a record of incidents.

As a first step, have you thought of just writing a short note saying you find is behaviour towards you offensive / intimidating / embarrassing / or whatever and could they please stop as it has got to the point that you dont want to leave your flat.

Even if it doesn't work, it will show that you have tried to sort it out, and he just isn't willing to accept he doesn't have the right to approach you in this personal way.

Best of luck.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 31/05/2025 22:06

LilaTwirls · 31/05/2025 10:53

Are you being serious? I find it increasingly hard to know on these threads. I also don't get why it's always bearded transwomen, surely a transwomen would shave their beard off.

Shows what you know 😂

Beards, chest hair, penii & testes... All this "expands the bandwidth of being a woman" apparently

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