Request to share pronouns

[Paulettamcgee]

I feel this question has been asked and answered to death but.....

I've always ignored any request to share my pronouns. I'll introduce my name and role and happily hand over to the next person. I'm fine if someone else wishes to share their pronouns but I do not wish to do so.

I'm very senior at work in an organisation which has a lot of colleagues under the age of 30 ( I think that's relevant as I notice it is younger people who are more keen that pronouns are shared). Generally every introduction in my workplace included sharing pronouns along with your name and role.

I've received some feedback that I should be sharing my pronouns when introducing myself. Especially as a senior leader as it is meaningful for many colleagues and sets the tone for meetings. I don't need to respond to this feedback individually but there is a meeting on Wednesday where it will be expected I share my pronouns when introducing myself. I can foresee not sharing may become problematic.

I don't want to share my pronouns or feel that I have to. I've considered doing it to fit in and make colleagues feel more at ease but I really don't want to. But I also don't want to create an environment where others feel that they can't share theirs.

How do I navigate this?? All help gratefully received.

I'm retired, thank goodness, and don't sit on any voluntary committees etc., so am just wondering how it's all supposed to work, if one does acquiesce and share pronouns when meeting colleagues, or sitting around a conference table.

Is everyone expected to remember who said what?

In written communication it would be there in front of you so you could be appropriate when replying, but person to person in the flesh?

Which leads me to think that it has no practical or 'kind' use in reality - just mere virtue-signalling, for want of a better phrase.

Here is an example-

"I propose a round of applause to Artemisia for her contribution to this topic. I know that she has put a lot of effort in."

People don’t own pronouns.

Is the proposer of the applause supposed to have remembered how Artemisia introduced herself at the beginning of the meeting some two hours ago?

@westfacing - the honest truth is that it gets easier with practice, just like anything else in human interaction. That's why the push is so strong to normalise it. I would have zero idea how low to bow to different people in a Japanese workplace, but I would soon work out who to bow lowest to if I were doing it and surrounded by it every day. We don't think about our own cultural structures at all until there is a visible attempt to change them or to bring in somethingfrom another culture, but they are there all the same.

The underrated thoughts of Nancy Mitford are relevant (this is from memory so won't be as clear or crisp as her prose) - 'Linda realised then what it took me years to understand, that social life is entirely artificial'

I would not make any reference to pronouns because those who feel the need to announce theirs will do it anyway whether anyone is interested or not.

If someone's pronouns are not obvious, it might help if they share them so that others know how to address them.
Most are obvious.
The OP's issue is that it should be a choice.
I'd go with 'I prefer not to share personal pronouns in a work environment, but I understand if others feel diffrently'.
True inclusivity is encouraging everyone to be able to speak openly, not prescribing how it's done.

A round of applause could be too loud for members of the group. You should propose a round of snaps

That's what pronouns on name badges are for.😀

Ok. Hands up I will admit there are subtleties and angles I hadn’t considered not thought of. Maybe I banged out a reply too quickly without properly thinking this through.
please stop quoting me. It’s filling up my inbox!!!

People don’t own pronouns. Most people’s sex is obvious in an in person scenario.

You want to work in an inclusive environment where people can share pronouns if they want but are not forced to.

We know that there are only two sexes - male / female…

therefore there are only two possible sets of pronouns: he/him and she/her

to even suggest anything else is to tell / support a lie. The insistence on pronouns being a) a thing and b) self-id so that you can choose the pronouns you want… is part of a toolkit being used to validate the deceit that you can change sex / that a man can become a woman and that therefore men should be allowed into women’s spaces etc.

it is important to push back against that, to gradually dismantle the lies and deceptions and to return to truth. As there are only two sets of pronouns and 99.999% of people are obviously male / female (even the men who dress up as women!) we should simply return to not needing to state pronouns - speak as you see. Anything else is to be a collaborator in the bigger picture which has nefarious intent - yes there are those caught up in this for whom it is a personal struggle and mental health issue, but the bigger picture is an attempt to dismantle women, propagated by a few - and this insistence on pronouns is a validation point in that process

I think the simplest thing would be an upfront statement either before the meeting or at the start saying: “there has been a point raised about not using pronouns, however as a company we do not require that. If you wish to state pronouns that is your choice, equally some may choose not to and be happy to go with the pronouns from their sex.”

step by step - dismantle these validations points…

#returnToTruth

It takes practice, and sometimes you slip, but I now go to any effort to do precisely that. I work for a very captured institution and have had quite a long time to get my head around this. So here, I'd simply replace 'her' with 'that'. Or say, in an icebreaker: 'This is Sarah, she's from Wolverhampton and has a cat called Buttons'; 'this is Mike, whose favourite food is Italian!'

It means using the passive voice a lot more often, but it can become habit although slips are sometimes inevitable. It won't sound natural at first, but it does the more you practise.

I find this the win-win option. You don't have to compromise on your own principles, you won't offend, and you can't be disciplined for something you didn't say. Plus it's very unobtrusive and people will likely not even realise you're doing it.

Our work email signature template includes pronouns so I deleted that part and quietly roll my eyes at those who include it. I’m also very senior but someone has to maintain a sense of logic surely.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Artemisia can just sit and be offended if I say "her" instead of "their" - she won't combust.

“my pronouns are Queen/Goddess. I’m delighted you will all be respecting them.”

seriously though don’t do it. And try and go early in the meeting- you might find others following your lead.

My name is Artemisia. My pronouns are obvious to most people. But if you get it wrong I don’t mind.
I LOVE this.

PS is your username in tribute to the magnificent Artemisia Gentileschi?

Since when was a demand to use language that defied the conventions of that language as a signal of support for one group’s philisophical belief considered harmless?

It is not harmless!

Certainly not at a collective level or individual level. Anything that is expected to be done to show respect to someone while effectively removing the respect others should have to use completely legitimate and acceptable language is far from harmless.

No it doesn't. Well, for some people it does. I'm sure Nancy Mitford was extremely socially accomplished and took it for granted everyone else (well everyone who counted) was too. But most native English speakers have been programmed since childhood to do sex-based pronouns and even if we hadn't those of us who have aphasia have enough trouble remembering a name, we aren't going to remember an individual's pronoun as well without using immediate cues like someone's visible sex or a gendered name. Aphasia worsens with age. Messing with pronouns makes communication that much harder.

My experience is Koreans rather than Japanese but the principle is the same. They do not expect (let alone insist) that non-Koreans know the details or bow to the correct degree. They do expect that you show respect to the person. A normal interaction.

I have met several members of the British royal family. I neither bow nor curtsey (I did salute when in uniform back in the day) but I am not disrespectful. I apply the same discretion to use of pronouns. I may use their requested pronouns but if I "slip up" I don't give it much thought.

I may not use requested pronouns if I 5hink there's an agenda.

I'm facetious enough that my response would be

Hi, I'm "Paulettamcgee" and my prounouns are/I identify as "appache attack hellicopter" (a favorite within my group when asked to tolerate this daft notion!!)

We don’t need pronouns to be written down in order to know what they are. It’s he/him or she/ her.

This all just reminds me of the silly game that Ted (of Ted & Ralph) used to play with his friends in the pub on The Fast Show.

Every time you spoke a sentence, you had to say the name of a different fruit or vegetable before each actual word e.g. "Tomato Good Carrot Evening Cauliflower Everybody".

The whole idea of the game was that there were arbitrary, non-instinctive, silly rules that you had to remember - specifically designed to trip you up - and if you did slip up (or chose not to play in the first place), the others would pull you up on it and laugh at you.

Mind, at least, in that game, the penalty for forgetting was only a little bit of good-natured mockery - nobody considered it 'literal violence' or called you a hateful bigot and tried to get you punished and cancelled.