The Bluestocking Women's Pub, where brains can exist in a single state

[Magpiecomplex]

Welcome all. The booze here is minimally intoxicating, the food is calorie free and the staff are warm and cuddly. And if the thread title sounds nonsensical, blame the guy Myrtle was listening to this evening!

I wore glasses from 11 - and that was bad enough so hugs to those of you with earlier trauma. My real problem was height: by the 3rd year (year 9 in new money!) I was taller than everyone in the class 😩.

One of my DC was born with a squint, but was never offered an operation for it.

Do you remember the test where you're shown a board with four drawings on, one of which shows as 3D if you have binocular vision? The tester points out that shape, then turns and rotates the board lots of times and asks where is that shape now. My DC never managed it for many hospital appointments, but then one time she did. The answer when I asked how she'd managed it was that she'd watched the board closely as it was turned around.

There was no problem in getting her to wear her glasses even when she was tiny as she could see so much better with them on. Still has no depth perception, though, and doesn't drive.

Evening! bowednotbroken I’m with you on the height thing. Especially school or cricket club discos 😳everyone would gather round the handbags piled in the middle in the floor and I couldn’t hear anyone, I was so mighty.
so naturally I thought I’d get my nhs glasses tortoiseshell, natch!) and my brothers enamel paints, and painted stripes on them. I thought I looked cool and slightly punky. And then! To make matters even worse, I saw Toya Wilcox I Derek jarmans film of the tempest, so I made little plaits and sewed diamond drops in the end.
I used to spend ages trying to put gold leaf on my nails and make Grecian headdresses and stone age necklaces. I even remade a jumble sale corset with leather and silk based on a renaissance painting.
aww, little me!
Oops sorry! thanks for the trip down memory lane. My daughter is not talking to me as I am boring and definitely phobic about something or other. It’s nice to remember I was creative and excited to dress up too, once.
think I’ll order a bramble martini. Anyone else?

Oh yes genandtonic! Dancing was so awkward! I still have no confidence on the dancefloor. I had to do a cringe-worthy dance at a wedding last year, so glad when it was over!!

Glasses from age 13 or 14 and should have had then earlier. Clear NHS plastic. Tallest girl in my year in every school I ever went to (we moved a lot, that didnt help), built like a rake. Good case of acne from then till about 19.

My father was a bastard which screwed me up somewhat (I was very easy to bully).

Oh the joys. But generally I was a pretty happy kid, I have a large dose of Pollyanna.

If I'm not around much these next few days it's because we have SIL staying and she talks ALL THE TIME.

I am impressed with the pool playing. I can see the angles, but hit the ball too hard or too soft or in the wrong place. I too have no depth perception and was rubbish at sport, so when we did aerobics in PE, I was astonished to find I could actually do it.

Bullied a lot for that too.

I can drive but had a lot of little dings as a result. I now have cameras and beeps and parking assistance but it still terrifies me when the car doesn’t beep and I think I’m going to hit a gate.

Just caught up with you all.No glasses (till age gifted me longsightedness), but my Clark’s shoes had to be ‘built up’ because I allegedly had a ‘foot fault’. Feet still carry me well enough though I can’t wear heels; fortunately I rarely mind being short.

I would have happily killed for for those sandals. Actually, I would wear them now if Clarks still sold them. Girl's shoes were shit when I was little. They were all patent leather so showed every mark and either had the strap break or have the top split from the sole if you dared to do anything physical while wearing them.

Luckily for me I had a brother who was little more than a year older than me so I got to wear real shoes that he had grown out of.

I had a little pang of hankering after those Clarks sandals too when I saw them again they were very solid and comfortable and you could run in them and climb trees - although I think we mostly wore them 'for good' and would have had either wellies or runners, depending on the season, for playing in.

I remember in particular the thick, springy, crepe-y soles...

Fortunately there weren't many strappy shoes around when I was little - I remember I had white strappy sandals to wear with my first communion dress, and they would have been Sunday wear after that until I grew out of them, but mostly it was sensible lace-ups in the shops.

My sympathies… sometimes with sunglasses and/or a cap or even just new specs I‘ll find myself bumping into things and so on. It must be horrid to have that more generally…

I was never allowed to have patent leather shoes, @JanesLittleGirl - sensible, brown lace ups for me. The most I would get would be the choice between two slightly different pairs of boring brown lace ups - but usually there was only one pair mum approved of, so my choice was those shoes, or go barefoot.

Now I'm a grownup and can choose my own shoes - but as I said yesterday, I live most of the time in one pair of Hush Puppies slip on sandals/mules. I buy other shoes, but rarely wear them. I have ballet flats in pink velvet and green velvet, and pink sandals, as well as more sensible hiking type sandals, plus some nice boots - but they just live in the bottom of my wardrobe and only come out on very rare occasions when I want to be a bit more dressy.

And I am sure I have a memory of being told that my great grandmother disapproved of patent leather shoes, because they might allow men to see the reflection of a lady's underwear!!

I was a bit strange about shoes when I was in secondary school. I think my parents forgot they needed to buy me clothes. Middle child. I could, after a fashion, repair the massive hole in my jumper and sew mismatched buttons on my cardi with the wrong coloured thread because it was all I could find and, fortunately, I grew up but not out so my skirt and tops got short but I could still get in them but shoes... I used to buy my own with money I'd accumulated from a weekend job, birthdays, etc. but while there were books to buy I'd spend as little as possible and make them last as long as I could. I got a pair of bright purple moccasins once, the thick, white plastic soles I decided I hated so I cut them off. The thin leather sole that was left actually lasted quite a while. A pair of Jesus boots started coming apart so, after trying to keep them together with sticky tape, I used a couple of drawing pins that worked quite well. A pair of harlequin style ballet pumps I loved, they got so worn even my dad noticed and he tore them apart to stop me wearing them. It didn't stop me wearing them. Outside school I often went barefoot. I wasn't neglected particularly by my parents, just overlooked. Strangely I didn't get bullied. Except once, and her and I became good friends for a while.

I have some Birkenstock like things I got for Lidl a few years ago. The trouble is we had no 'summer' last year so I have no idea where most of my light clothes are.

I've cooked a pan of Mushrooms a la Grecque, so that's tonight's dinner sorted. It smells lovely.

I've googled a recipe for Mushrooms a la Grecque, @DeanElderberry, and it sounds delicious - I'll have to try it sometime - but it will have to be when ds3 isn't here as he's a mushroom hater.

@lcakethereforeIam - your childhood sounds really difficult - I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I am on the horns of a dilemma. FIL is in his 90s, and is definitely declining in health - he has cancer and heart failure, and we can see and hear how poorly he is getting (though he will deny it with his last breath). Unfortunately, he lives in Cornwall and we live in Scotland, so it is really difficult for us to get to see him.

He'd like to come up here, but he simply is not fit enough for a train journey that would take up to 12 hours and would require at least one change. He recently visited a friend, with the help of BIL and SIL, and although he thinks it went well, he actually suffered from diarrhoea and needed to be bought new clothing, because he was having accidents. Given this, and given how much dh has to do to look after me at the moment, he is not willing to try to cope with his dad visiting here - SIL had to do some very nasty cleaning up, and dh is not willing to do this, and I don't blame him.

But dh loves his dad - we both do, even though he is a difficult and stubborn sod - and if the end is nigh, as we think it is, he wants to see his dad. So what do we do? Dh could go down to Cornwall for a couple of days, but I'm not sure I could cope alone at home, and although ds3 is living here at the moment, I don't feel it's fair or right to lean on him the way I have to lean on dh. Another option is that I go down to Cornwall with dh, and we leave ds3 dog-sitting - he'd do this happily. But dh doesn't think I could cope physically with the trip - I would need the assistance at every point of the train journey, and we've never tried using this for me before, so I am nervous that it wouldn't work or I wouldn't cope.

There's another issue in that FIL wants to come up to Birmingham to visit an old friend, who he hasn't seen in decades and has only heard from once in recent years. He thinks that, because dh goes to Birmingham for work once or twice a month, he could go down, stay there for a couple of days, meet his dad and chauffeur him around the place while he visits this friend - which dh cannot do because of my needs at home, and isn't willing to do because of the issues with the recent trip. He has told FIL that he cannot do this, but FIL is either ignoring what he's said and pretending he didn't hear dh, or he actually didn't hear him (he is pretty deaf). But BIL and SIL are willing to facilitate this trip, and if they did, maybe dh or dh and I could go down to Birmingham for the day, to meet up with him.

The last thing I want is for us to get the phone call that we all think is inevitable, and for dh to feel guilty because he didn't make the effort to see his dad one last time, but selfishly, I know I can't cope without him overnight. I think I need to suck it up, though.

That's really tough, Woley. Is meeting FIL in Birmingham the least difficult option out of the meeting up options? Or is physically meeting him really out of the question?

It is indeed a dilemma. Might it be possible for your DH to see FIL in Birmingham for the day?

Time, age and distance add so many complications to something that would've been a fairly easy practical problem to resolve when you were all younger

I suspect that dh meeting him in Birmingham is the best option, @inkymoose.

How does the cost of flying compare Woley, since it is unlikely to be something done often.

That is so diffficult Woley - reality and practicality and affection colliding.

I agree that DH going to Birmingham for a day seems to be the best option - by train and staying in a hotel would be a guarantee that chauffeuring is not going to happen.

But is it certain that the friend in Birmingham has agreed to host FIL? Or is that just his wish, which he has converted into a reality in his head?

If BIL and SIL are 100% clear that if DH goes to B'ham, it will NOT be to do any chauffeuring, they can reinforce that to FIL.

Do you feel up to making the journey to B'ham? Do you think it would be OK for you to just meet and greet FIL and then leave father and son alone for a while, while you go back to the hotel to rest, or whatever?

I know this is probably a silly question, because, duh, you've thought of it yourself🙄but could anyone come and stay with you overnight if DH is away?

It does seem like there are no easy solutions, as everybody concerned is only human, and has their own limitations, but I hope there is a solution for you and your DH.

A difficult dilemma

Water is getting into a light switch because the shower is flooding. 😥😭

eeeeeeek!

We could fly down to Newquay, and stay overnight, @DeanElderberry - it wouldn’t be unaffordable - but dh isn’t sure I’d cope. I think it would be a good chance to try out the assistance at the airports before we try to do something bigger, like visiting ds2 in Aus.

@MarieDeGournay - we have absolutely no idea if this friend in Birmingham wants to see FIL - as far as we know, he has written to him recently and had one reply, and we don’t know if FIL has mooted the idea of a visit, or if this chap has suggested it - but I think you are right and he has converted a wish into something that is actually going to happen.

I think we will end up telling him dh can’t spend 2 nights away from home to chauffeur him round but if BIL and SIL are willing to drive up and drive him around (which is a big ask, given what they had to do for the recent visit - especially SIL who ended up doing some serious cleaning up after him), then either dh or both of us can come down to Birmingham to meet him for a meal. I think I could manage this, with some help from the train companies - and as he works for one, dh is well placed to organise this.

He is in complete denial about his health - he knows he has slowed down a bit, but isn’t acknowledging how breathless he is - even just tying his shoes or walking 20m makes him struggle for breath, and his ankles are swelling - he has heart failure, and this, to my eye as a former nurse, is clear evidence his heart failure is worsening, but he won’t even accept this is the case, never mind see his GP. I do wonder if the bowel issues he is having are a symptom of his heart failure (insufficient O2 supply to his gut?), or something else - he’s had bowel cancer and prostrate cancer, and has a tumour in his thigh bone - so it could be cancer rearing its ugly head again.

FIL was forbidden by MIL to store his home brewed wine in the airing cupboard when several bottles exploded and wine cascaded through the light fitting downstairs, @FlowerUser. I hope you are safe and can get this sorted.

We’ve turned off the circuit and it’s only lights downstairs. As it’s light in the evening and we are upstairs for the TV, it will be fine.

Electrician says the flood needs to be sorted out and then the electrics need to dry and then it should be fine.

Woley, in your shoes I'd fly. I've flown with someone who needed assistance and it was very good even 30 years ago, in the UK at least.

And nobody wants water in their electrics.

Anyway, for light entertainment... We are out for the day with SIL. She has a maddening habit of humming and singing softly to herself if she's waiting or queuing up and you've succeeded in making yourself unavailable for being talked at (or she hasn't managed to engage a total stranger in conversation). Where there is SIL, there is noise. Even reading in her general direction is no defence.

There we are, on public transport. Someone is annoyingly playing a game on their phone without headphones. SIL has moved seats because she can't cope with the noise. Oh the irony.

I like SIL a lot, I really do, but God, I wish she'd put a bloody sock in it sometimes.

Ddog2 has epilepsy - it’s been really well controlled for over a year, but she’s just had a nasty fit, poor thing - I was just about to give her her 3pm anti-epileptic tablet, too. And she broke into dh’s office to have it (I think she felt safe in there) so I’ve had some nasty cleaning up to do.

Thankfully she has come out of it, and seems to be getting back to her usual self. It scared ddog1 too - she came dashing to find me and to take me back to ddog2.