Page 23 | Non fatal strangulation and choking during sex

Notmyrealname22 · 14/03/2025 20:25

Crazysnakes · 14/03/2025 08:54

Yep. A tiny bit of brain death every time it happens. A bit like rugby players who have cumulative damage from every time there's head contact, and then early onset dementia that happens slowly and then all at once.

Worth being aware that 2/3 people with dementia are female and no-one knows why.

I've got a teen son, we've had the strangulation talk, and I was very clear that it was something he should never do, and why. Even if she asks for it, say no.

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Well done on having these conversations with your DS.

ItsCoolForCats · 14/03/2025 20:27

Notmyrealname22 · 14/03/2025 20:17

This horrifies me. I see lots of comments about worrying about your daughters. Are any of you taking to your sons about this? I have 14 & 12 year old sons. Clearly this is something I am going to have to talk to them about. I have spoken to them many times about consent, and how they should not be doing anything with anyone without their consent. But it seems I need to get specific.

i have been with my DH for 20 years. Never has he or any sexual partner prior to him done this or even hinted this is something they want to do. Same with anal. I do despair for the generations with unfettered access to porn where this is all normalised.

If I ever find myself dating again I will be having very clear conversations around what I won’t do before having sex with anyone. I never previously felt the need for this.

I have daughters, and I have spoken to the eldest, who is 12, about this. I told her about the BBC article, in particular the health risks. I have always spoken very openly to her about sex because I want us to be able to have these conversations.

I told her that when she is older, she should never let partners do this or anything else she is uncomfortable with, and she should never be afraid to, or be made feel guilty about, saying no.

I was coerced into doing things I didn't want to do with predatory men when I was younger, and I don't want the same for her. No-one spoke to me or my peers about consent when we were teenagers. Girls were either pilloried for being slags or else for being 'frigid'.

ScrollingLeaves · 14/03/2025 20:27

ArabellaScott · 13/03/2025 07:39

Grim read.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c62zwy0nex0o

Half of the sample who had experienced it said they had agreed to it, while 17% said they hadn't.

That means a lot of people agreeing, not minding, or putting up with it. What on earth has happened to women to make them like this? Did liberation leave them so empty of feeling they need to up the excitement to near death?

user2848502016 · 14/03/2025 20:40

It makes me very worried for my teen DD that she’s going to start having sex in a few years with men who think this is normal - and she’s going to be made to feel like she’s not normal if she doesn’t like it.

Isthiswhatmenthink · 14/03/2025 20:47

Needanewnamey · 13/03/2025 07:50

I was thinking about this yesterday. Why do men seem to enjoy it? DH does this to me every time we have sex… it’s never been discussed, it’s just “normal”.

That’s not normal, mate.

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 14/03/2025 21:13

BoldAmberDuck · 14/03/2025 19:18

I know. I went through similar.

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I certainly didn't "enjoy" the violence, although I was once told by someone on a crisis line that i probably did. His reasoning was that I would have left already if i didn't. The problem was that the violent abuser refused to leave the house (I had bought it before I met him, and was the only person on the deeds. I didn't want to leave the home i had worked so hard for. Another reason I didn't leave was because he wouldn't let me. I thought he would end up killing me. My brain at the time was preoccupied by different strategies to keep myself alive, to the exclusion of all else. I was obsessed with finding a way to escape. I really don't want to perpetuate this idea that women become addicted to violence and like it.

BoldAmberDuck · 14/03/2025 21:26

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 14/03/2025 21:13

I certainly didn't "enjoy" the violence, although I was once told by someone on a crisis line that i probably did. His reasoning was that I would have left already if i didn't. The problem was that the violent abuser refused to leave the house (I had bought it before I met him, and was the only person on the deeds. I didn't want to leave the home i had worked so hard for. Another reason I didn't leave was because he wouldn't let me. I thought he would end up killing me. My brain at the time was preoccupied by different strategies to keep myself alive, to the exclusion of all else. I was obsessed with finding a way to escape. I really don't want to perpetuate this idea that women become addicted to violence and like it.

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So true. They are very clever at manipulating you to think there’s no way you can split, children, property, pets money etc. the shame. Kept it secret so many years (almost 20) he was so violent but somehow made me feel it was my fault. I still do now sometimes feel I was to blame. You definitely do NOT enjoy it. How dare someone say you did!

toxic44 · 14/03/2025 21:42

I recall a newspaper report of a young woman who died during strangulation sex. She was on holiday in Australia and gave a list of what she liked to each man she hooked up with. The list included to be strangled during sex, with an instruction to the man not to stop even if she signed to him she couldn't breathe. The last man did what she said and she died. He was tried and convicted of manslaughter, I think. I'll see if I can find the link.

TENSsion · 14/03/2025 21:45

Crazysnakes · 14/03/2025 16:15

I watched my mother do this for almost 20 years, and now I struggle to be in the same room as her. Always buying the bullshit that it would all be kittens and roses from now on. He would punch her and they they'd be sitting in the bath together, giggling and groping. He'd call her a f**king cunt and kick her out of the car and make her walk home, terrifying me in the process, and then we're moving house so they're even more in debt but it's going to solve all their problems. He loses the plot on holiday, ranting that having children ruined his life, and then they're having another baby. It really is that insane.

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I’m really sorry you had to witness and be unwillingly involved in this. I’m glad you have been able to avoid repeating the same dynamic. That’s really something to be very proud of.

DungareesTrombonesDinos · 14/03/2025 21:48

Im sorry but this should come with a trigger warning so please skip this if you are feeling fragile

This happened to my child recently (including biting) and the bruising was absolutely horrific. They have just reported it to the police but we don't hold much hope of a conviction.

toxic44 · 14/03/2025 21:50

The case was 2018 but the report I have just read was not what was promulgated at the time so I could be completely mistaken with what I said. I don't know how to delete my comment so instead I'll ask you to ignore it, please.

TENSsion · 14/03/2025 21:59

ArabellaScott · 14/03/2025 17:29

There's often an understandable confusion about why abused women don't leave. And the suggestion that they are hooked on a high suggests that the positive feedback from the situation is what is keeping them there, but I don't think that's quite it and doesn't give the full picture.

I hope you’re not referring to anything I’ve written when you write this.

I absolutely DON’T think they stay because of this. And at no point have I written that.

Original poster

ArabellaScott · 14/03/2025 22:02

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 14/03/2025 21:13

I certainly didn't "enjoy" the violence, although I was once told by someone on a crisis line that i probably did. His reasoning was that I would have left already if i didn't. The problem was that the violent abuser refused to leave the house (I had bought it before I met him, and was the only person on the deeds. I didn't want to leave the home i had worked so hard for. Another reason I didn't leave was because he wouldn't let me. I thought he would end up killing me. My brain at the time was preoccupied by different strategies to keep myself alive, to the exclusion of all else. I was obsessed with finding a way to escape. I really don't want to perpetuate this idea that women become addicted to violence and like it.

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But you survived. And you got out. ❤

OP posts:

Original poster

ArabellaScott · 14/03/2025 22:03

TENSsion · 14/03/2025 21:59

I hope you’re not referring to anything I’ve written when you write this.

I absolutely DON’T think they stay because of this. And at no point have I written that.

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No, I'm not saying that. I'm just trying to explain it a bit more fully.

OP posts:

EarthSight · 14/03/2025 22:14

user2848502016 · 14/03/2025 20:40

It makes me very worried for my teen DD that she’s going to start having sex in a few years with men who think this is normal - and she’s going to be made to feel like she’s not normal if she doesn’t like it.

I've been wondering how to deal with this situation in my own life, if I ever sleep with a man again. Part of me thinks that I should definitely have that talk before hand.

It would be risky and potentially traumatising, but the other part of me wants a chance to see their real, honest face. I don't want to be years down the line and find out he's really into that, and I never knew as I told him not to do it at the beginning.

Any good man with common sense and on the same page as me would automatically know not to do it, especially if it wasn't consented to before hand. It seems like more & more men would fairly that test these days :(

Myalternate · 14/03/2025 22:16

DungareesTrombonesDinos · 14/03/2025 21:48

Im sorry but this should come with a trigger warning so please skip this if you are feeling fragile

This happened to my child recently (including biting) and the bruising was absolutely horrific. They have just reported it to the police but we don't hold much hope of a conviction.

❤️‍🩹
I can’t think of any words…x

EarthSight · 14/03/2025 22:20

Maninpeace · 14/03/2025 18:56

I’m 42 and certainly no prude. I used to see a young lady about 15 or so years ago who asked me to do this during sex (not every time). She was a fabulous person and absolutely beautiful but after doing it once, very uncomfortably and against my better judgment, I just didn’t feel right doing it and in the end I walked away. We’d been seeing each other 3 or 4 months when she asked me so there was obviously a period where she was either sussing out whether she could trust me or she knew it was strange and felt the need to wait before asking me to do it.

She wanted to be strangled to the point of fainting. Not for me and very, very dangerous.

It's sad that you even have to preface like this, or pre-defend yourself by saying 'I'm no prude'. It means you feel you have to emphasise that because you're anticipating that people will think this of you.

I don't care if people think I'm a prude, and absolutely zero shits if people thinking I'm kink shaming or 'sex negative' for not liking certain things.

ThistleTits · 14/03/2025 22:25

ErrolTheDragon · 13/03/2025 08:16

Half of the sample who had experienced it said they had agreed to it, while 17% said they hadn't.

I wonder if they’ve got that stat broken down by sex. I’d guess most men who didn’t want to be strangled by a woman could stop her whereas a woman is less likely to be able to stop a man.

What about the 33% who do not agree or disagree?

EarthSight · 14/03/2025 22:26

whathaveiforgotten · 13/03/2025 17:03

Yes famously there’s no grey area at all between lying on our backs at the ceiling and being strangled….

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This.

Crazysnakes · 14/03/2025 22:33

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 14/03/2025 21:13

I certainly didn't "enjoy" the violence, although I was once told by someone on a crisis line that i probably did. His reasoning was that I would have left already if i didn't. The problem was that the violent abuser refused to leave the house (I had bought it before I met him, and was the only person on the deeds. I didn't want to leave the home i had worked so hard for. Another reason I didn't leave was because he wouldn't let me. I thought he would end up killing me. My brain at the time was preoccupied by different strategies to keep myself alive, to the exclusion of all else. I was obsessed with finding a way to escape. I really don't want to perpetuate this idea that women become addicted to violence and like it.

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I don't think it's the violence that's the hook at all, and no one is saying that, but there's a high that comes after the violence that some women do seem to chase and be unable to walk away from, when he's all contrite and caring and you are the strongest couple ever because look, the love is so powerful it made him lose control and punch you in the face. I can certainly remember my father would become very arrogant and possessive over my mother post attack, sneering at me that she was his wife and I simply didn't understand. And I would sit there and look at them holding hands and think but yesterday you smashed her plate at the dinner table and locked her out of the house and made her cry. And my mother would play along with it, laughing at his jokes and kissing him, even though he was a repulsive pig. I hated him for it, but in those moments I hated her too. I had a conversation about it with her recently where she said that he always promised things would get better, if some particular thing was fixed. If if if. And she believed him. Over and over. Despite the fact that things never got better, they always got worse. She did leave, for someone else. It's something I really struggle with. I understand the mind games they play, how it all works, how you believe things that aren't true and fear other people and live this constant domestic drama that you can't seem to break away from, but I also know that she chose to stay with him for as long as she did. There was no point at which the things I witnessed were, to her, bad enough for her to decide it was enough. And she had multiple potential exit points along the way.

Maninpeace · 14/03/2025 22:54

EarthSight · 14/03/2025 22:20

It's sad that you even have to preface like this, or pre-defend yourself by saying 'I'm no prude'. It means you feel you have to emphasise that because you're anticipating that people will think this of you.

I don't care if people think I'm a prude, and absolutely zero shits if people thinking I'm kink shaming or 'sex negative' for not liking certain things.

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You’re right and I didn’t even think about it from that angle. Thank you for pointing it out.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 14/03/2025 23:02

Grammarnut · 14/03/2025 19:18

I take your point and I have heard the idea that the Odyssey was composed by a woman before (indeed Robert Graves - definitely a misogynist - wrote a novel about it).
I agree, the women in the story have agency though both Kirke and Kalypso are castigated in the story (and I also like the men being turned into pigs, many of them don't need magic for that!). Penelope is much wiser than her cousin Klytemnestra - and cleverer, too. In her judgement against the Erynyes in the trial of Orestes Athene shows herself no friend to women, putting forward the patriarchal notion that women have no part in the making of a child in the womb but are merely vessels.
Which final point bears out the possibility of female authorship. The Athene of the Odyssey is not Aeschylus' Athene, who is pure patriarchy, she is a pro-woman Athene - something that got lost somewhere in classical Greece.

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Athena isn't pro-woman. She turned her priestess, Medusa, into a gorgon because Poseidon raped Medusa in her temple.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 14/03/2025 23:08

toxic44 · 14/03/2025 21:42

I recall a newspaper report of a young woman who died during strangulation sex. She was on holiday in Australia and gave a list of what she liked to each man she hooked up with. The list included to be strangled during sex, with an instruction to the man not to stop even if she signed to him she couldn't breathe. The last man did what she said and she died. He was tried and convicted of manslaughter, I think. I'll see if I can find the link.

Men are perfectly good at ignoring women when we tell them to empty the dishwasher or hang out the laundry. They could just as easily ignore pornsick women who ask for life-threatening acts during sex.

EarthSight · 14/03/2025 23:08

@selffellatingouroborosofhate Apparently ancient Greek was similar to modern day Afghanistan of the ancient world with regards to women.

whatswrongwivme · 14/03/2025 23:41

HomeBodyClub · 13/03/2025 08:53

My partner likes to put his hand around my throat during sex but I trust him completely. It’s not very often, we both discuss it, it’s not violent and we have a great sex life.
I would never have let anyone else do it.

Yes but WHY does he like it?