Page 22 | Non fatal strangulation and choking during sex

ArabellaScott · 2025-03-13T07:39:26+00:00

Grim read. [[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c62zwy0nex0o https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c62zwy0nex0o]]

AIBU79 · 14/03/2025 17:54

Needanewnamey · 13/03/2025 07:50

I was thinking about this yesterday. Why do men seem to enjoy it? DH does this to me every time we have sex… it’s never been discussed, it’s just “normal”.

You are 7x more likely to die at the hands of a partner who has used non-fatal strangulation. I have worked with men who engage in this behaviour and are now in prison. Thankfully those I’ve worked with are not serving a sentence for murder but they easily could be. Please be so very careful. Seek support. If you do not want to engage in this behaviour. It is illegal and should be taken seriously. Does this form a pattern of controlling behaviour?

Cacara · 14/03/2025 17:55

It's "normal" because the porn industry pushes that narrative.

SashaPicklepops · 14/03/2025 18:04

This happened to me once, just as we were starting sex, I pushed him off, and told him never ever do that again. I was in my 20s (ex boyfriend now) give his due he apologised and never did it again, but this is a big no no from me, dangerous, degrading and also illegal, please stop him before he kills you.

Franjipanl8r · 14/03/2025 18:22

I have NEVER hand a man’s hands around my throat and had plenty of sexual partners before internet porn became a thing.

Franjipanl8r · 14/03/2025 18:23

We’ve gone so far backwards with women’s rights and women’s safety since the creation of the internet 😭😭😭

hehehesorry · 14/03/2025 18:29

ArabellaScott · 13/03/2025 09:10

https://ifas.org.uk/get-help/

I'm just leaving this link here for anyone who's been affected by NFS or choking and is worried.

What a disgusting waste of money for a country doing so badly

pomers · 14/03/2025 18:44

Needanewnamey · 13/03/2025 07:50

I was thinking about this yesterday. Why do men seem to enjoy it? DH does this to me every time we have sex… it’s never been discussed, it’s just “normal”.

Seriously? Have you not told him to stop? Personally I would be filing for divorce immediately. This is domestic abuse, violence and assault

Dittyditty · 14/03/2025 18:50

I had to reply ....
A friend of mine had a relative who actually died during what was reported as a sex game.
Wake up to the reality of what is happening
Please please look out for yourself

Shotokan101 · 14/03/2025 18:56

I sincerely hope that you're joking!

Maninpeace · 14/03/2025 18:56

I’m 42 and certainly no prude. I used to see a young lady about 15 or so years ago who asked me to do this during sex (not every time). She was a fabulous person and absolutely beautiful but after doing it once, very uncomfortably and against my better judgment, I just didn’t feel right doing it and in the end I walked away. We’d been seeing each other 3 or 4 months when she asked me so there was obviously a period where she was either sussing out whether she could trust me or she knew it was strange and felt the need to wait before asking me to do it.

She wanted to be strangled to the point of fainting. Not for me and very, very dangerous.

Vynalbob · 14/03/2025 18:59

It's a dodgy 'I get off on being in control thing:
2 steps from rape / domestic abuse.

I wouldn't want to do anything where death was more than a weird negligible chance....like purposely keep finding thunderstorms to get struck by lightning.....then if I don't die I do it again (well it must have been safe the last time)👀😳

Grammarnut · 14/03/2025 19:01

MissDoubleU · 14/03/2025 11:30

Again, you are talking about specifically one very different branch of a tree to what I’m describing. No, of course forced polygamy is not empowering at all. However, a woman who chooses to be polyamorous and have multiple male partners may feel empowered by this decision. You don’t get to decide she isn’t. It doesn’t make forced polygamy right, but this is just the same as saying any woman sold into a monogamous marriage by her father is not empowered. Another woman choosing, as is her goddamn right, to marry a man may very well say it’s an empowering experience for her. By your logic I would argue that all marriage is inherently anti feminist and therefore any woman choosing this is wrong, not a feminist, indoctrinated, and a victim of the system. She could never feel empowered by this decision to marry because by design marriage is patriarchy.

The sex industry is full of abuse. Correct. Does that mean every woman working in the porn industry is being beaten and abused? No. I’m not saying it is a desirable career choice. I am saying that there are women in the industry who are doing so from self empowerment. Who are not abused, drug addicts, or whatever else. It doesn’t make it “the norm” but it means it exists.

There are straight male porn stars making porn for women without the “use” of any women at all. So no, it absolutely isn’t all men using women for self gratification. There is much more choice available than I think you realise.

You can’t take one end of the scale and apply it across the board.

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Prostitution and porn are both industries that feed off humiliation, mostly of women, also of some men. Women who think they are empowered by choosing prostitution (or polyamory) are falling for the patriarchal trope that being able to have as many fucks as you like with whomever is empowering. It isn't. Like ONS prostitution (and polyamory) puts all the consequences on the woman as to contraception, disease, pregnancy and bodily integrity. Prostitutes - even the 'empowered' ones - suffer poor mental health. Prostitution, however it comes, is about men's entitlement to sex and women's destiny to provide it come what may. Sorry, but no happy hookers, no happy polyamorists - the degradation and the self-delusion catch up in the end. Passing round your body for sexual satisfaction takes a monstrous toll on your psyche.
NB polyamory as another name: polyandry, where several men share one woman. This is a form of marriage often used in communities where men cannot (because of polygamy meaning there are fewer women to marry) afford or get a wife each. Doesn't sound quite so much fun looked at that way.

BoldAmberDuck · 14/03/2025 19:10

Alittlebit9 · 13/03/2025 11:01

No man has ever done this to me without me asking first - and I love it 🤷🏻‍♀️ I often ask for it. I really don’t see the issue in a consenting, trusting relationship where it’s been asked for. Non consenting is completely different, but I don’t think kink shaming people is particularly helpful.

I’m early 30s and have a very adventurous and consenting marriage. We try a lot of things (which would definitely make people clutch pearls), I do think there’s a generational divide here.

Happy to risk dementia?

hobbcat · 14/03/2025 19:13

Wondering about how to broach this subject with my 17dd who is in a healthy and happy relationship. Share the BBC article then bring it up on a longish car journey. Feel the need to discuss this in an open and honest way.

MarvellousMonsters · 14/03/2025 19:17

Needanewnamey · 13/03/2025 07:50

I was thinking about this yesterday. Why do men seem to enjoy it? DH does this to me every time we have sex… it’s never been discussed, it’s just “normal”.

Do you enjoy it? If you don’t, and you’ve never asked him to do it, tell him to stop. If he won’t stop, or argues with you over it, leave.

Grammarnut · 14/03/2025 19:18

GiveMeSpanakopita · 14/03/2025 12:09

I think The Odyssey's coming in for some unfair flak here and feel compelled to offer an apologia for one of the foundational texts of my country 😁

The Odyssey is chock full of women showing agency over themselves and men:

Odysseus literally cannot get home without the help and advice of Kirke and Kalypso; they are both independent women living alone who literally enable the hero and the narrative to move forward (and Kalypso literally turns boorish men into pigs, which I very much enjoy)
Penelope's Homeric epithet, or one of them, is 'wise' - very rare for female Homeric characters to be described in this way but throughout the poem we are told that it's her wiles and cunning that keep the suitors from marrying her and she is explicitly contrasted with the hotter headed, more frivolous Telemachus;
When Odysseus washes up on Phaiakia, it's not King Alkinoos who he's told to appeal to but Queen Arete - the narrative explicitly presents her as the decision maker in the marriage and the kingdom
Nausikaa is explicitly presented as brave and independent - she's the only one to confront the naked Odysseus and take him to task whilst the other girls flee in terror;
The driving divine force behind all the events is Athene and she is explicitly shown in Book 1 as being able to persuade Zeus away from his original preferred couse of action.

In fact the Odyssey centres female agency so much that Samuel Butler, and a number of academics since, have theorised that it was composed by a woman. Female bards were quite common in Aegean Greece (where the Homeric poet(s) probably lived) - eg Sappho.

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I take your point and I have heard the idea that the Odyssey was composed by a woman before (indeed Robert Graves - definitely a misogynist - wrote a novel about it).
I agree, the women in the story have agency though both Kirke and Kalypso are castigated in the story (and I also like the men being turned into pigs, many of them don't need magic for that!). Penelope is much wiser than her cousin Klytemnestra - and cleverer, too. In her judgement against the Erynyes in the trial of Orestes Athene shows herself no friend to women, putting forward the patriarchal notion that women have no part in the making of a child in the womb but are merely vessels.
Which final point bears out the possibility of female authorship. The Athene of the Odyssey is not Aeschylus' Athene, who is pure patriarchy, she is a pro-woman Athene - something that got lost somewhere in classical Greece.

BoldAmberDuck · 14/03/2025 19:18

Crazysnakes · 14/03/2025 16:15

I watched my mother do this for almost 20 years, and now I struggle to be in the same room as her. Always buying the bullshit that it would all be kittens and roses from now on. He would punch her and they they'd be sitting in the bath together, giggling and groping. He'd call her a f**king cunt and kick her out of the car and make her walk home, terrifying me in the process, and then we're moving house so they're even more in debt but it's going to solve all their problems. He loses the plot on holiday, ranting that having children ruined his life, and then they're having another baby. It really is that insane.

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I know. I went through similar.

BoldAmberDuck · 14/03/2025 19:21

ArabellaScott · 14/03/2025 16:49

I want to point out that Spanakopita's description above adds important context.

You're so locked into the cycle that you can't step back and see how miserable it all is. Or you don't let yourself see it, for the sake of your sanity. And when you've finally escaped, you can really see it then, in the cold light of day, and you can barely believe how you were living.

The 'high' that comes with reconciliation has to be seen within the context of someone who has been effectively brainwashed, conditioned to respond to those cues, and utterly trapped in the situation - mentally, as well as often physically (plus emotionally, financially etc).

I'm not quite sure how to describe it - it's the 'high' of temporary relief from stress. It's a prisoner being awarded a privilege, briefly. It's not a real 'high'. There's the 'boiling frog' problem, plus being addled by manipulation and coercion, fear, gaslighting, confusion and stress to the point one is not in right mind.

I would say the absolute worst thing about being abused, is that one is often not aware one is being abused.

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I feel that you and I agree a lot. I suspect we have both been through similar experiences. Nice to know there’s ‘others’ out there that have broken away and survived

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 14/03/2025 19:26

Agree totally!

Breathe Play - no abuse.

Dogsbreath7 · 14/03/2025 19:26

Needanewnamey · 13/03/2025 07:50

I was thinking about this yesterday. Why do men seem to enjoy it? DH does this to me every time we have sex… it’s never been discussed, it’s just “normal”.

Wtf.

Grammarnut · 14/03/2025 19:28

Treaclewell · 14/03/2025 14:59

Here I go again defending a long dead bloke.
!. He didn't have brief relationships with a number of women. He had one of a year with Circe, and 7 years with Calypso who kept him prisoner. No others.
2 He didn't kill the maids. He got his son to do the dirty. The maids had betrayed their mistress by inviting the suitors into the women's quarters to see that Penelope was unpicking her work so she would never finish weaving the shroud for her FIL, as well as sleeping with the suitors. It is possible that this was a blasphemous act as well, but treason will do. As well as being nasty to Telemachus. It's more complicated than Margaret Atwood's interpretation, that the maids were Odysseus' property and he was hypocritical to punish them.
3.Odysseus was acting for Zeus, since the suitors were in breach of the laws of xenia or hospitality, which bound both guests and hosts. This is matched by the death of the last of Odysseus' crew, who had broken xenia when they ate the cattle of the sun god on Thrinakia. Both slaughters are marked by the ritual use of sulphur as a purifying agent. Athena won't let him let off even the nicest suitors as they have all broken that law.

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I bow to your erudition. And comply thus: moral anachronism is a bad thing, context is all (it's a while since I read the Odyssey). But even so Odysseus takes the long way home - he didn't need to have an affair with Circe, after all.
Personally I cannot forgive him for Troy and the Trojan horse - awful deceit and leading to monstrous suffering for the women of Troy (I know this is not in the Illiad and only briefly mentioned in the Odyssey).

DearDenimEagle · 14/03/2025 19:31

WavyRavey · 13/03/2025 09:20

Cos not everyone does it to the point of fainting, I'm not sure why that's so hard to understand.
Should we outlaw all non vanilla sex because some ott feminists have decided its too much for them to hear about, even if they don't participate? It's a bit much

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It is still dangerous. The effect is cumulative. It can cause brain injury even if there are no visible injuries and the victim does not lose consciousness. The risk of a stroke and memory loss increases every time it’s done.

BlueFlowers5 · 14/03/2025 19:58

Somewhere I heard that if man used choking during sex, he is 7 times more likely to kill you.

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 14/03/2025 20:04

Has anyone on here strangled choked their male partner? If so, did he enjoy it? Did you?

Notmyrealname22 · 14/03/2025 20:17

This horrifies me. I see lots of comments about worrying about your daughters. Are any of you taking to your sons about this? I have 14 & 12 year old sons. Clearly this is something I am going to have to talk to them about. I have spoken to them many times about consent, and how they should not be doing anything with anyone without their consent. But it seems I need to get specific.

i have been with my DH for 20 years. Never has he or any sexual partner prior to him done this or even hinted this is something they want to do. Same with anal. I do despair for the generations with unfettered access to porn where this is all normalised.

If I ever find myself dating again I will be having very clear conversations around what I won’t do before having sex with anyone. I never previously felt the need for this.