Persuading a TA to change her mind

[HalfArsedTerf]

I am passionate about women's fightback against the aggressive gender activists but at the same time I am dependent on my income from running a small business in a small town, so cannot be "out" for fear of TA doing something to harm me. So I do what I can, anonymously on here and on X.

On my FB feed I repost GC news to "friends only". I share screenshots showing the latest madness (e.g. men in women's sports, toilets, prisons etc.) By doing this I have successfully peaked a number of friends. Coward that I am, I never make any comment of my own, so nobody can ever quote me saying something "twansfobic" and then using it to punish me financially.

I found out that a local acquaintance who has for 15 years been on my FB friends list blocked me. When a mutual acquaintance asked why she cited my so-called transphobia. She can only be basing this on my sharing screenshots of news reports on FB.

I don't really understand why a disagreement on this issue means she has to block me. I have a few thousand FB friends and bet we have different views on religion, political allegiance, sexuality, etc. This seems to be the ONE issue which leads to being sent to Coventry.

She is past middle age and (like me) a wheelchair user who is a disability rights campaigner. Her profile declares she is a lifelong feminist, so I find her stance incomprehensible.

I worry that she may poison half the town against me by spreading news of what a hateful bigot she imagines I am and urging other local people to ostracise me.

When I go out I frequently encounter her and although I am nervous I have decided that if I see her, I will confront her, woman to woman, face to face, on this issue. I will try my best to be calm, rational and friendly.

I keep rehearsing things to say in the hope of making her see that agreeing with genderists' demands is not compatible with either feminism or the rights of the disabled to same-sex care. I have seen her advertise for female carers so it's puzzling that she had taken the genderists' side.

Any ideas on what I can say to her that will induce a "light-bulb" moment and make her realise that she is supporting an ideology that harms women, especially the disabled?

Does she realise that this ideology claims that female carers can also include males?

Given that she has already unfollowed you, I would leave her in peace. People are allowed to have opposing views to you. She doesn't need convincing otherwise.

I'd leave it be. If you come across each other in the course of disability rights then be open and engaging on that topic.

I wouldn't bring up trans rights and if she does then I'd emphasize how people can have very different views eg Brexit but still be friends and work together.

Yes, that would definitely be my opening gambit.

I don't want to harangue her with loads and loads of other points but maybe one or two more, just enough to make her realise that what she is supporting is anti feminist.

I think the key thing if you want to convert a specific person is NOT to argue. Don't try to convince them with logic.

Instead start with questions. "I'm confused about why you blocked me ...". "What do you think about...". If she says something is transphobic, ask why. "Why is that transphobic? I thought it was just biology...". And listen to her answers.

And don't expect to convert her in one conversation. It may take several discussions for someone to change how they think.

Finally, don't become a "one topic person". Maybe she unfollowed your facebook just because you post 99% on a single topic and she is bored of it. If I had a friend who posted on only one political topic, I might unfollow even if I agreed or was neutral on the topic itself. If this is the case, and then you start on about the same topic in person, it would be very very off putting. I might even walk away. Again, not from a political disagreement but rather because feeling someone is trying to convert you to their one pet topic is annoying.

Make sure you find other positive things to chat about when you next meet this friend, and don't rant about GC issues.

She does not know if my views oppose hers, as she has never heard my views. This would give her the opportunity to hear them.

She may need convincing NOT to do anything to destroy my livelihhod over a misunderstanding.

Why do you think she has the power to "destroy your livelihood"?

I think I would just leave her be.

Good advice about how to speak to her. Ask questions, act innocent. Make her explain.

May I point out that she has not "unfollowed" me. She has blocked me, which is quite a different thing, blocked means I can't message her or see what SHE is posting, not just that she can't see what I am posting.

At the root of this is your fear that she's going to destroy your business, and I understand that. But is she really capable of doing that? How much power does she wield in your town? A lot of people aren't interested in these issues so are they really going to listen to her banging on about it? She'll just make herself look bad by criticising you behind your back.

Some women define themselves as feminists but are the sort that include "all women", i.e. the DU's of this world, so if she's one of them just don't even bother trying to make her see sense

Because she is well known and well-liked locally, and talkative, and may spread untruths about me. Just like TA do about so many people (e.g. saying Helen Joyce wants all trans people to die, etc).

I would not say she has power exactly, more influence, and she knows an awful lot of people. We all know how tittle-tattle can spread fast, Chinese whispers, people being smeared by rumours etc. I don't want that happening to me because I don't deserve it.

When you bump into her, just ask her why she blocked you as it made you sad. Say you are prepared to listen, without argument, to her reasons. Ask her to ‘educate you’. Then thank her for telling you and say I hope you will unblock me as it’s so good we live in a free country as we are doubly vulnerable as disabled women.

Don’t give her ammunition. If she unblocks you that’s great. She will eventually realise and then she needs to be able to save face.

You can’t say she doesn’t know what you think- she does, because of what you are choosing to post.

I would stay off the subject except as it relates to disability rights. Speak from the anxiety of being unable to insist on female personal care, your anxiety about children with autism misunderstanding their discomfort and transitioning, and the lifelong disability that unsuccessful surgery and hormones can cause.

Honestly, I'd accept her desire to have nothing to do with you and be civil, nothing else, if you happen to meet.

As for your business, if you have evidence that someone is spreading defamatory information etc then you should take legal advice.

She's as entitled to her views as you are, but she can't be permitted to wage a campaign against a business. I don't understand why you think she'd go to that extreme, but if she does, you have legal options.

@CocoapuffPuff

" I don't understand why you think she'd go to that extreme,"

I'm likely just panicking. I have heard so many scary things that TA have done to people, phoning their employers, reporting them to their governing bodies, etc. I've no reason to think she would do anything against me but then again if she has been radicalised online by the TA there is no telling.

Those blue-haired college girls we see angrily chanting and screeching trying to drown out women at Let Women Speak events were, just a couple of years ago, just regular, polite schoolgirls.

The thing is, you say that you only share this sort of content with your Facebook "friends", but you also describe this woman as an acquaintance and say that you have a couple of thousand Facebook friends.

That means that you're not just sharing this content with your friends, but with large numbers of people you barely know.

I'm all for gender critical women expressing their opinions and subtly or not so subtly trying to peak people. But we all have to do our own risk assessment in terms of what we share and who with. And if you're worried about your opinions becoming widely known and the harm that this could do to your livelihood, it honestly sounds like you're sharing this stuff to far too wide an audience.

It doesn't matter if you aren't actually posting "trans women are men, duh!" on Facebook. If you're sharing news articles about trans women in sport or in women's single sex spaces, your views will be pretty clear to everyone.

I think you're being rather daft with the way you're going about things.

1- you don't know exactly when she blocked you, or whether she plans to do something about disagreeing with you, you're just immediately jumping to the worst conclusion. Blocking anyone is everyone's right, and most people do it, then don't think about it again until they bump into that person or similar.

2- you are saying that anyone outing you as GC would have far reaching effects on your life, your reputation, your income. But you're putting it on bloody Facebook for the world to see! Either do it, own it and deal with any potential repercussions, or realise that the repercussions are too much for you and stop. It's really not very sensible to do something that could put your livelihood at risk unless you are accepting that could be a consequence.

3- a great big chunk of people in real life don't care. They may have an idea of what's happening, and maybe a feeling towards whether they agree with it or not, but for lots of people, they just don't care. She may not be blocking you because she is absolutely for trans rights, but instead because she sees you repeatedly post things, and figures you are obsessed with it, and just can't be arsed. I've done the same to some people who constantly posted an anti COVID mindset, they may be in a similar mindset to you, just resharing, but really I couldn't give a shit what their opinions are, I have mine, and I just can't be arsed to see the same/ different shit every day.

I'm sorry you're going through this,HalfArsedTerf. There's lots of good advice from other posters. I wouldn't say or do anything precipitative, I'd stay civil and see what happens; hopefully nothing as bad as you fear.

However, as you are clearly rattled by what she's capable of doing to your business, maybe you could divert the 'free floating anxiety' into looking at ways to bolster your business - expand it, strengthen its systems, look for alternative markets.. that sort of thing. If she does 'turn nasty', your business will be more resilient; if she doesn't, it will be improved anyway.

I hope everything turns out OK. It was a good move to come on here and share your worries and ask for advice, I hope it has helped a bit.

FWIW, I'm not GC, and am probably fairly trans sympathetic. If i had blocked someone because I was finding their FB feed exhausting/negative/making me feel like our values were incompatible I don't think I'd change my mind if they tracked me down and demanded I justify myself. I think that would just make me feel a bit attacked and more likely to speak negatively about you to others.

I do have GC friends but we've mostly agreed to just nor discuss the topic if either of us aren't in the mood. Same with other friends I disagree with on various issues.

Here we go YET AGAIN! There is always someone who misquotes the OP.

I did not say that my FB feed was nothing but a never ending series of GC posts. I said that when I do share news, I don't make any comments of my own. FYI my feed is a mixture of personal news, interesting photos, other subjects in the news, and a lot of humorous posts like funny memes and links to amusing videos.

I didn't say it was a constant stream. Obviously though, it's coming across badly in some way if your friend blocked you.

This. It's not up to you to persuade anyone of anything, OP.

I would recommend not raising the subject at all in person. Otherwise, behave exactly as you would if your mutual friend hadn't informed you that you'd been blocked.

Why are you obsessing over her to the point of considering tracking her down to harangue her for blocking you? Comes across as very odd and inappropriate tbh

She didn't say she'd track her down and harangue her FGS. Read the post. She said she frequently sees her and has decided to confront her. Not the same thing.