Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

[crochetedcat]

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

They do look female - if I showed you photos of a group of women, some who were fully transitioned trans women and some bio women, you would not be able to pick out which were which. Your friends would not know that a given trans woman in the changing room, providing they were someone who was fully transitioned, used to be male.

no problem.

It's something that confuses me. I don't know if one of my issues with trans women is that they often don't look like women. When I'm in a woman only space and these men in wigs suddenly appear I feel so violated and wonder if they are doing this to intimidate women. i also wonder if I am being unkind and discriminatory. I wonder if I would feel differently if it was undetectable that they had once lived as men. However, I have met a couple of trans women where you couldn't really tell, but there was something that gave it away: a certain "aggression" that I have never witnessed in women born as women, even aggressive ones. It's hard to explain, but when I saw it I knew straightaway.

Challenging and asking robust questions apparently equals 'aggression'.

As opposed to actual threats. Which apparently are ignorable in the context of being kind.

If a duper can successfully dupe the dupees, then duping is fiiiiiiiine.

He has been to date but based on some great comments on this thread and trusted friends with older kids, I wonder how much of his agreeing with me on other topics was feeling he had to. I realised that he’s never pushed back as a teen - he was always laid back and easy going. Did some stupid shit but never argued with me / yelled etc. My daughter on the other hand is a far more typical ‘this is so unfair’ teen.

I’m wondering how much of this is delayed teen rebellion, having the freedom (and confidence?) to push against us all. Telling us he was cutting contact when we were all being laid back and supportive really felt like a teen yelling they hated me

Part of me now wonders if I challenged him this would be good from this perspective ie he gets to feel hard done by. Unfortunately we know it’s not that simple given likely the people whispering in his ear would abuse that.

It’s all a mess to say the least isn’t it but also ‘interesting’

1. Go on then, give us a selection of group shots to choose from. Not flattering, filtered stills - group shots depicting them with actual women.
2. Again you avoid the question. My friends and neighbours cannot use mixed sex spaces. Are you saying that their consent must be violated and the tenets of their centuries-old beliefs not respected?

If a bio male has fully transitioned, you can't tell by looking at them that they were born male. Trans women who have gone through a full transition, including hormone treatment, usually look completely feminine.

It's true that we don't know how many passing transwomen we have encountered. However, I worked for 16 years in a hospital that provided gender reassignment surgery. I can tell you, without doubt, that the majority do not pass after surgery.

Photos can be manipulated. The minute they moved, I'd know. And without photoshop it's clear in person even when standing still. And hands. That's a giveaway. There are so many tells. You are delusional if you think this isn't the case.

This!! It’s the total one sidedness of it all. Expressing concerns and wanting to mitigate risk is not the same as being anti trans. He genuinely can wear whatever he wants (but please stay out of women’s safe spaces). It’s not the fact he’s wearing make up that worries me. It’s everything it represents and the impact on his behaviour.

If we could properly talk about it and he could reassure me he saw the risks and how he was working through that, and explain to me ‘why’ and what he felt he was gaining … if he told me he was genuinely happy (and genuinely was) I’d have no issue.

Sadly I don’t think any of it is positive

I think it is more important that the OP has the support she needs to find a way forward rather than pursuing arguments about the nature of trans, which could go on another thread.

Being a parent in this situation is very challenging indeed.

Aren't we all subject to stereotype when deciding who we are? I certainly did things as a younger woman because I thought I should, that I dont feel I have to do now (wearing make up every day for example). I think when someone is trans, they are going through all of this process in an accelerated way, and it is highly visible. Some move past it, some dont.

Regarding your question, I don't think that fully transitioned trans women make a female-only space mixed-sex.

I read an article once that showed trans women with biological women. I'll see if I can find it.

What nonsense. Maybe they do online with filters, in life you can clock them a mile off because they walk like a man.
I think ‘passing’ as a woman is incredibly rare. I think some transmen do pass more as a small man.

Yes, you do. You have acknowledged that that born male don't belong in women's sports on this very thread. You know perfectly well there's a difference, you just want to ignore it in the interests of being kind/avoiding a difficult question.

And it doesn't matter what you think. I'm asking what the solution is for those women who know perfectly well there is a difference, and whose activities are restricted accordingly.

What is the answer?

Really, no, they don’t.
No amount of medications or surgeries will change height, bone structure, pelvis alignment or all the other features of a male-bodied person.

Quite apart from the fact that the vast majority of MtF transitioners have little or no such interventions at all.

Here's a photo of a man before and after transition. I would never, in a month of Sundays, ever think that the person on the right had ever been a man. @MandSCrisps I don't think that the person on the right makes a changing room mixed-sex. Sport is different because it makes use of physical strength, which the activity of changing doesn't.

So what you think is the only thing that matters.

And to hell with every other woman and how she thinks and feels?

You are right and everyone else is wrong and bigoted?

This illustrates yet another issue: consent needs to be sought from ALL women otherwise there is a fundamental problem.

And here is the person on the right pictured with her girlfriend, who is on the left. You can't tell from the photo which one used to be a man.

Here's the article both these images are from: https://www.bbc.com/news/health-38761068

A photograph at an angle where they are holding it to make their body look more feminine. I can assure you they won’t look like that in real life.
Do you actually fall for that stuff?

Trans women who have gone through a full transition, including hormone treatment, usually look completely feminine.

In carefully filtered, taken from very specific angled-photos, at a push.

In real life, no chance.

What they look like is irrelevant anyway; if they were born male, they should never be in any female spaces.

Your argument here seems to be that how you look makes you a woman. It does not.

It's not possible to get agreement from all, though. So you have to go with what's reasonable. It's not reasonable for a non-transitioned man to self-ID and go into women's spaces. It's also not reasonable for the person on the right of the gymwear photo to be told to use male changing rooms.

Do you think it would be reasonable to tell the person on the right of the gymwear photo to use the male changing rooms?

Anyway: OP I apologise for my part in allowing your serious family trauma to be co-opted by sealioning and tra shite. I'm going to stop engaging with it.

Heartfelt sympathy and admiration to you.

It doesn't make you a biological woman, no. But I don't see how the person on the right of the gymwear photo would be a threat to any woman in a changing room.

And here is the person on the right pictured with her girlfriend, who is on the left. You can't tell from the photo which one used to be a man.

There's no "used to be" about it.