Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

[crochetedcat]

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

I am note sure how you can write that on a thread where OP’s son has gone non-contacts because she wasn’t deemed sufficiently supportive.

Plus of course to deny all the court cases women have had to face because of those demands, the existence of GRCs, the banning of women on social media…

You can do that for the next generation, I hope.
Deradicalising kids who have been brainwashed is much harder. You have to start where they are and move in small steps to a different viewpoint. Add in the fact that professional support that can actually do this and isn't just going to affirm and prescribe hormones is very hard indeed to find, and that these are adults so as the parent you have zero veto rights, and it's just incredibly difficult.

It's all so simple to you, isn't it.
I used to think like you.
Now I just want to hold my kid steady and hope that nothing irreversible takes place, while accepting that as a theoretical adult, there's fuck all I can do about preventing it.

It's a horrible situation to live in and I hope you continue to be able to live such a black and white simplistic version of life where everything is so clear cut.

Every now and then a thread pops up on MN about a teenage son who is phyiscally and/or mentally abusing his mother or siblings.

We seem to have this stereotype that the only type of person who can be abusive is over 18, hard and very masculine in both appearance and demeanor.

This is bullshit. It is very possible to be 'meek and mild' in appearance but still committing series coercion and abuse. This is a serious problem in recognising abuse.

There's a whole storyline running on Eastenders atm, about the unlikely looking middle aged, 'wouldn't hurt a fly' accountant who emotionally abused Sonia and murdered his wife which I kinda welcome for this very reason - he does fit the obvious stereotype.

It was a continuation of our specific conversation, ND, where I was talking about my experience.

I am reiterating that not all trans people are as abusive as you appear to believe, and using my erstwhile son as a case in point.

I am starting to think you aren't engaging in good faith with me so I think I will end this chat with you here.

Its fascinating to watch in real time, people who don't want to see something from someone else's point of view even well they've spelt it out in detail because they are too busy projecting their own ideas and experience onto everyone else to pay attention.

This must be so difficult to deal with especially being the mother. A neighbour I am friendly with & lives in the same area has a highly intelligent autistic son at university. She describes exactly the same scenario.He is communicative with his father about certain subjects but rarely his mother or siblings. When at home he invariably gets annoyed with his mothers opinions.When she was suddenly admitted to hospital with suspected appendicitis & he was informed, he went into a panic & rushed back home to visit her. She knows he loves her but accepts his behaviour is all part of his autistic traits.

If I saw your son in the street I wouldn't bat an eye lid. I would walk past him. It's you who will have to watch his foolishness. I've done my bird watching my father doing the cat walk. I protected my children from him but I doubt he would of dressed up in front of my partner. My mental health was not considered when I was a child and I didn't want the same for my children. I am sorry for my bad grammar skills I couldn't concentrate at school knowing what I was walking back home to. I don't give a fuck what anyone says it's a mental health issue.

I am now at peace with my past he's dead and how I felt went with him. I didn't even turn up to his funeral.

I've been reading the thread, and wondering how and why this terrible situation can arise. I found this article published on transgender trend in 2020, which helped to explain it to me.
www.transgendertrend.com/trans-kids-reject-family-not-other-way-around/

‘offer to take him shopping for new clothes and offer help with makeup etc.’

And where is the OP supposed to ‘take him shopping for new clothes’?

Even now, the womenswear rails are not exactly groaning with feminine( sic) clothes which will fit ‘ muscly ‘ six foot three inch persons.

OP I hope you all manage to come though this madness relatively unscathed. Remember that as other people have said that your son deserves love and respect, but not more than you, your daughter and the rest of your family.
💐🕊

@GoldVermillion wrote:
But never lose sight of the fact that there is a large group of very vulnerable autistic young men who are really no different from the 13 and 14 year old autistic girls caught up in ROGD in terms of vulnerability, except that because of - I dunno, brain maturation rates? Puberty ages? - they are 5 -10 years older than the girls. Unless you believe that the ROGD girls are also inherently abusive and misandrist too? It's the same group of kids.

This is exactly what I wanted to say. As a mum of one of these kids, I can promise you that they don’t want to invade anybody else’s spaces or cause harm or distress to anyone. They are so deeply traumatised by their own experiences of the world as an autistic person, in our case undiagnosed until recently, that they are fixated on this being the solution, i.e. a quick fix. We know that this is unlikely to be the solution but as our kids are now adults, we are shut out of the conversations with healthcare professionals. Imagine our trauma!
Some of them say that the world is much kinder to them when they present as female. Imagine how that must feel especially as it’s most likely that people are nice to them because they feel sorry for them. But if you have been bullied all your life just for being yourself then maybe this pity is easier to live with. My heart breaks for these kids and I am filled with rage at GenderGP and the so-called healthcare professionals working in private clinics who encourage them in this madness.

so-called healthcare professionals working in private clinics who encourage them in this madness.

They don't care it's money. The pharmaceutical industry is worth billions. It's not in their interest to stop them having treatment.

On a parenting site I'd hope it's a given that we have empathy for parents.
This generation of children have been groomed and gaslit by some of the most unsuitable adults in the world to be allowed to influence the young. Too many trusted adults have abandoned their safeguarding role in favour of promoting nonsense about women with a penis, denying that only women have a cervix and turning a blind eye to the nature of the adults pushing this at the young.
It must be a terrifying journey watching your young adult child going down this route and trying to walk alongside them. I wish there was more we could do to support.

I know this is utterly random, but what you posted reminds me of what I read when a marriage ends and the man gets into another relationship. They cut off the original family, rewrite history and start afresh with the new family.

This is exactly what I wanted to say. As a mum of one of these kids, I can promise you that they don’t want to invade anybody else’s spaces or cause harm or distress to anyone. They are so deeply traumatised by their own experiences of the world as an autistic person, in our case undiagnosed until recently,

I think looking back now my dad was undiagnosed. He never wanted to hurt anyone. It was his shame and embarrassment that he handed down to me as his child. If he had the right therapy and support, and talked to someone about his perception of the world, his life might have been different. He lived a troubled life and he was a victim. My mother said nothing to him she allowed him to carry on doing what he wanted. My dad was 75 when he died he starved himself to death. My mum supporting him and how he wanted to live made him worse. He didn't like himself and he ended up hating my mother. He had a saying "I made too many mistakes" and he kept on making them.

I loved my dad but I couldn't endorse what he was doing.

@Preciousmoments18 and @Shortshriftandlethal interesting. My autistic older son is/was/is the same. He's not really a talker but he absolutely shuts me out and sometimes down - seems to hate me and certainly enjoyed / enjoys blowing up at me when he won't at his dad or his stepdad. I know teens are like that, but this seems something further somehow.

@crochetedcat someone else may well have said this, Ive only read your posts apart from on this page, but the trans 'cult' tend to home in on people who are struggling with loneliness and to offer them warm arms and acceptance, and encourage a sense of 'us against the world'. Many autistic people struggle so much with feeling that they don't fit in that they are easy pickings for the malevolent side of this cult.

I know there are some trans people who are stable, simply living decent lives and happy as they are, but they are different to the cultists.

Why leave it to the next generation? If everyone told these kids and adults ‘you can’t change sex’, banned medical and surgical ‘transitioning’, got rid of GRC, and treated them as their sex but accepted gender non-conformance (boys wearing feminine clothes recognised as boys wearing feminine clothes) then women’s rights would not be destroyed and a generation of children would be saved from irreversible harm.

@ThatRareUmberJoker that must have been so hard for you. When I reflect on this terrible situation that our family finds itself in, the only silver lining I can see is that it is happening now and not 20 years from now and possibly affecting a partner and children.

I think you’ve been really great, but I think that he needs to be told he’s hurting his family and it’s not all about him. You just want him to be happy, it doesn’t matter what name he goes by or what he wears. He needs to realise that the family are not ostracising him despite how much he wants them to. And that he should bloody call his grandparents once in a while.

It feels exactly like this to me. Rewriting history and ignoring everything we offer (kindness, respect, encouragement, support) to fit the new narrative. It makes me angry at him as well as worried, upset etc. And is ironically a stereotypically male thing to do.

I’m leaning this way now. We’ve tried acceptance. We’re not going to do overt pandering. If he ignores us when we’re being accepting what is there to lose?

I dunno, OP. I think of it like a cult in a way. The cult says, separate from your family they mean you harm.

Is the best advice to facilitate that narrative (by "not pandering") or not? I genuinely don't know.

The only good thing in this for us in our situation is that my "son" is definitely not rejecting us.

There is no right or wrong OP only personal opinions on what we might do in the situation.

My thoughts are I would make it very clear about how much I love him & will always be there for him at any given moment. After that much as it would hurt I would give him space to get in touch as and when he feels like it. If it feels too long for example 2 or three months I would get in touch to ask how he is getting on & say I would love a catch-up whenever he has time. Then again I'd leave it up to him. If it went on for 6 months or more I would turn up at his door

Really sorry if this has already been mentioned (haven't read whole thread) but have you come across the Genspect podcast, Gender: A Wider Lens with Stella O'Malley & Sasha Ayad?
There are lots of interviews with parents with trans identified children that you might find helpful to listen to.
So sorry you are going through this x

Tell him.

Honestly, his behaviour is not matching his identity.

Women are social pleasers who are conditioned to put others before themselves!

The trouble is that trans orthodoxy equates acceptance of the person with acceptance of the ideology. So the fact that I disagree with aspects of the ideology is taken as proof that I don't accept my son. This is a logical fallacy. I accept my son as I see him (as male, not female, and as a mix of masculine and feminine, and to be honest not a remarkably unusual mix for a man).

"Helping him with his new look" is not something he would have wanted from his Mum, I think. He actually got help from his girlfriend, who has affirmed him throughout. She has said that she has found this difficult, but self-righteously compares her love with our "hate". But if he goes on to take oestrogen, will her affirming "love" have led to him damaging his health? As his parents, we have not felt able to encourage him down a potentially damaging path.

He too is autistic, as are several of our wider family, and I would much prefer him to develop "special interests" that aren't a potential pathway to cross-sex hormones and surgery, and that don't potentially lead him into behaviour that damages women, and that don't drop a live grenade into his family. I strongly suspect that his trans identity is an autistic reaction to decades of being a misfit; wearing dresses is not in itself a disaster, but following in the footsteps of some transwomen (I'll leave which ones I'm thinking of to your nightmares) would be, and the impact on his relationships is very worrying. I do not think his current understanding of sex and gender is healthy.