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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

My wife, my abuser on Netflix.

122 replies

YourAmplePlumPoster · 28/10/2024 16:16

Can you imagine the police showing the same sympathy to a woman in this situation? I'm afraid I can't having been a DV survivor. Sympathy, let alone protection was totally absent. This was years ago but I don't think much has changed.

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biscuitandcake · 28/10/2024 18:00

It depends massively to be honest. Some individual police are great, and some forces seem to be much more on the ball than others. I am glad he got the help he needed to break free. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I saw some men discussing a similar case were the woman was jailed a risibly short length of time, and their consensus was "if it was a bloke they would have thrown away the key". Would that it were so-men often do horrific things to women and get away with a slap on the wrist and I think a lot of men are genuinely unaware of this and resentful when they see a similar thing happening to female perpetrators (which receive more attention because its rarer). I think a race to the bottom, fueled by resentment is not helping anyone.

While it's important to talk about instances where police fail/are unhelpful I dont think it's helpful to generalise and say that the police would never help etc. That's irresponsible and risks putting women seeking help off.

And it goes without saying I am so sorry you went through that and didn't get the support you deserved.

YourAmplePlumPoster · 28/10/2024 18:18

30 men were murdered between 2020-23, while 186 women were murdered in the same period. Go figure.

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biscuitandcake · 28/10/2024 19:37

YourAmplePlumPoster · 28/10/2024 18:18

30 men were murdered between 2020-23, while 186 women were murdered in the same period. Go figure.

Yeah, it's massively unbalanced. Anyone who wants to say that men and women commit DV equally is either working from really bad statistics or deliberately acting in bad faith.
Even where men are abused they are less likely to be murdered. Which is a good thing.
However I suspect a side effect of the massive amount of effort that (mostly women some men) have put in to bring DV into the public awareness has also ended up benefiting male victims of DV too. Which is a gain for men but not a loss for women so it's a good thing.

Projectme · 28/10/2024 22:52

YourAmplePlumPoster · 28/10/2024 18:18

30 men were murdered between 2020-23, while 186 women were murdered in the same period. Go figure.

And what (massive) percentage of all those murders were enacted by men? I bet it wasn't 30 women who killed the 30 men but probably near as 186 men killed the 186 women...

I'm not saying that dv inflicted on men should not be brought into the limelight (it was a very unpleasant program to watch) but an equal balance to highlight that many more women's lives are lost to DV needs to be highlighted. I'm sure a PP will come along and tell me, but I don't recall any specific tv program like this one, going into DV into women?

biscuitandcake · 28/10/2024 23:42

I can remember watching this https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b047zl98?origin=serp_auto
I agree that there should be more. The problem is because dv the other way is rarer each incidence going to be reported more when it does happen. If documentaries like that are balanced to exactly reflect the numbers you would get so few ones about female on male that there would be no awareness that it does happen, which is bad for actual victims. The flip side is that awareness raising/giving it prominence can give stupid people the ammunition to say "women do it too" every time a one tries to talk about male violence to women. But stupid people are going to do that anyway so meh.

BBC Three - Murdered by My Boyfriend

Drama about a teenage girl who falls in love with the wrong man.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b047zl98?origin=serp_auto

ShamblesRock · 29/10/2024 00:09

There is a series on Netflix called Meet, Married, Murdered that explores female victims. There is also a program called Fatal Vows but that is quite dramatised. Interestingly (in the US at least) women often hire a hitman.

I have generally found podcasts to have more focus, Professor Jane Monkton Smith was involved in an excellent one for BBC sounds.

YourAmplePlumPoster · 29/10/2024 09:41

Thanks. I'll check out that podcast.

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MarieDeGournay · 29/10/2024 10:23

ShamblesRock · 29/10/2024 09:56

There's been an interesting use of the word 'Femicide' in the media recently, in response to a series of murders of women in Northern Ireland.

It will be interesting to see if anything similar happens in the Republic of Ireland, where any specific mention of violence against women has to be 'balanced' with a reference to men being victims too, Men's Aid, where are the Men's Refuges, etc.

Obviously all victims, male or female, deserve support and justice, but that shouldn't hide the fact that violence, domestic violence, sexual abuse of children, murder, sexual assault and rape are not equally distributed across the population...

Women went out and fundraised and organised and were subjected to abuse and sometimes violence to set up rape crisis centres and refuges, we did that ourselves.
If men are so envious of the support structures women have developed over the decades with our blood sweat and tears, why don't they go out and fundraise and organise and build their own RCCs and refuges for male victims?

No, they want to use ours - for example my local RCC has been open to male clients for decades now. Not female-identifying males, this isn't a recent TRA thing, just men, who rather than campaign for men's RCCs, insist on using the women's RCC, and of course it would have been discriminatory and anti-men to say 'Sorry, this is for women, but we know that male victims of abuse experience pain and distress too, so we're happy to give you help and advice on how to set up your own centres..'

YourAmplePlumPoster · 29/10/2024 10:48

The fact the death toll remains very high means law enforcement is not doing its job. It just looks like men murdering women with impunity.

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HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 29/10/2024 10:55

Violence against the patriarchy is always going to be more news-worthy and attention-worthy than any other form of violence in a patriarchy.

Unless it's male-on-male violence, which is usually the mother's fault for bringing up violent men (see first law of misogyny).

By this point it's not even 'this is why we can't have the nice things'. Women can't have ANYTHING to themselves.

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 29/10/2024 10:57

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 29/10/2024 10:55

Violence against the patriarchy is always going to be more news-worthy and attention-worthy than any other form of violence in a patriarchy.

Unless it's male-on-male violence, which is usually the mother's fault for bringing up violent men (see first law of misogyny).

By this point it's not even 'this is why we can't have the nice things'. Women can't have ANYTHING to themselves.

That's a poor choice of words, apologies. Raging about something else today. Of course we want to end male violence against women, not keep it to ourselves. But this sort of shit does not help and reinforces the now increasingly common belief that this is the only fucking area where we've achieved gender-parity.

YourAmplePlumPoster · 29/10/2024 18:24

Assume Nothing Femicide is an excellent podcast and should be used as an educational tool in schools and colleges.

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ShamblesRock · 29/10/2024 20:38

Professor Jane's book Control is an excellent read, and explains the steps in the same way as the podcast does.

I've been thinking more about programmes, there has been a previous female on male DV, male on female? there was one about Victoria Cilliers (parachute murder attempt) but that focused a lot on the investigation, and iirc at that stage she was still very much in denial, I think there was also one about Fawziyah Javed (Arthur's Seat), but they seem to only be when they have resulted in a death, or in the case of VC survived against all the odds, it was pretty much a certain death.

TomatoSandwiches · 29/10/2024 20:45

It also sickens me to see the outpouring of sympathy and complete utter belief when a male claims he was raped in comparison to women being viewed with outright suspicion for the same.

YourPinkShaker · 29/10/2024 23:28

Gosh not allowed to put own password in. It is fucked up was a mess off a relationship.she wanted a divorce so he antagonised her after putting up camera's. A blind man can see how pathetic he went when camera was up .he is the abuser furious can't everyone see???

saltandvinegarchipsticks · 29/10/2024 23:38

YourPinkShaker · 29/10/2024 23:28

Gosh not allowed to put own password in. It is fucked up was a mess off a relationship.she wanted a divorce so he antagonised her after putting up camera's. A blind man can see how pathetic he went when camera was up .he is the abuser furious can't everyone see???

Some people are so desperate to make men the villain in every case that they twist themselves into knots to argue it, even with the clearest video evidence.

If a man had been caught on nanny cam behaving the way this woman did, would you be arguing that the woman was a pathetic abuser who was goading him into hitting her?

PassportPhotosAreHorrific · 30/10/2024 09:51

I've got to agree with the sentiment of others on this thread.

I feel enormously sorry for Richard and I hope he finds peace now. But as a woman who has experienced similar, I just can't imagine the police crying in front of me (or any other woman who had experienced domestic abuse), or sitting in silence in their car because they were so profoundly disturbed.

My heart genuinely goes out to Richard though and I'm so pleased he was supported so well. Just because it's been rubbish for me doesn't mean it has to be rubbish for others.

Barryplopper · 30/10/2024 10:00

YourPinkShaker · 29/10/2024 23:28

Gosh not allowed to put own password in. It is fucked up was a mess off a relationship.she wanted a divorce so he antagonised her after putting up camera's. A blind man can see how pathetic he went when camera was up .he is the abuser furious can't everyone see???

Did you see when she put a knife to his throat because she wanted him to go to the shop? Seems an extreme reaction to being antagonistic to me. I don't think thats what happened at all, she was just unhinged...how she behaved infront of the children was appalling !

PassportPhotosAreHorrific · 30/10/2024 10:37

@Barryplopper my heart broke for those poor children. What an evil woman she is.

ShamblesRock · 30/10/2024 10:43

YourPinkShaker · 29/10/2024 23:28

Gosh not allowed to put own password in. It is fucked up was a mess off a relationship.she wanted a divorce so he antagonised her after putting up camera's. A blind man can see how pathetic he went when camera was up .he is the abuser furious can't everyone see???

Nice bit of victim blaming there, S/he asked for it. S/he made me do it. - story as old as time.

Do you know her personally?

YourAmplePlumPoster · 30/10/2024 13:45

No I can't imagine the police having the same reaction either. In my experience it was scepticism, bordering on contempt.

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Happiestwhen · 30/10/2024 16:34

YourPinkShaker · 29/10/2024 23:28

Gosh not allowed to put own password in. It is fucked up was a mess off a relationship.she wanted a divorce so he antagonised her after putting up camera's. A blind man can see how pathetic he went when camera was up .he is the abuser furious can't everyone see???

Are you for real? That man is absolutely broken , how can you say something so unkind given the evidence against that thing he was married to? Just because he isn't a woman you're saying that he deserved it? It's not as black and white as men vs women
Some women can be absolute evil brutes like his wife. And a lot of men can be gentle and kind , obviously your own experiences are swaying your opinion. Sorry to break it to you but not all men are evil.

justanotherchangeofname · 30/10/2024 16:42

It's not as simple as you make out in your OP.

As a police officer who works in an area with a high amount of reported DV, it's more common for the victim to ring the police but then not want to take any further action after the initial police action. There has to be solid evidence of abuse for a conviction to be sought without a victims wishes too so it's not just as easy as protecting women (or men on occasion!).

I'm not saying the police get it right every time but if you went and volunteered as a special for a few months, I think you'd have your eyes opened to the reality of what happens.

justanotherchangeofname · 30/10/2024 16:45

YourPinkShaker · 29/10/2024 23:28

Gosh not allowed to put own password in. It is fucked up was a mess off a relationship.she wanted a divorce so he antagonised her after putting up camera's. A blind man can see how pathetic he went when camera was up .he is the abuser furious can't everyone see???

If a woman antagonised a man, would you still think it's acceptable for her to come away with that level of injuries? To behave like that infront of kids? To hold a knife to the throat? Don't forget the lies she told upon interview 🙄 You're honestly a disgrace

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