How do you support other siblings when a teen decides they are trans

[Autumnleavesareslippery]

I've name changed for this, have been a member for 19 years since pregnant with DS. I'm going to try and be factual as I'm in shock and dealing with a whole host of mine and my children's emotions. Yes I'm using 'he' here as none of us have got our heads around this. I'm trying to be very honest in how I feel and really need some support from people who have more of an idea about how to handle this than me.

DS (19) came home from uni on Friday. On Friday night at about 11 pm in the family chat he declared he was transgender. He informed us what he was called. It was an unusual name choice for a 19 year old - that of someone perhaps born 150 years ago. Think Enid. He told us he'd known for years.

All of us were in shock. I have DD (17) and DD and DS (both 14). I sent a message privately to him thanking for letting us know as I wasn't quite sure what else to say. He didn't read it and remained in his room. Didn't even bother with the usual teen response of a thumbs up.

Saturday and Sunday he acted completely normally, like nothing major had happened and he had told us he was vegetarian now or something. He seemed calm and relaxed. He looked exactly the same - a 6ft 2 broad shouldered man.

He then came downstairs to get a lift to the train station dressed as what I can only describe as a stereotype of what someone might think a woman looked like. Badly done make up. An odd dress that didn't fit. And started talking in a completely different soft 'feminine' voice and doing strange things with his hands that he must have deemed 'female'. He had lace like gloves on. It looked so outdated and strange.

The best way to describe it was he looked like Dame Edna or the character out of little Britain from 20 years ago in that the clothing was odd and it seemed almost designed to get a reaction. But he appeared to be deadly serious and nonchalant about it. A woman would have been clearly mocked if she dressed like it. It just leaves me wondering whether this is what he views women as?! Not that he knows any women who would act like this - he's surrounded by many women who express themselves in multiple ways but not in an Edwardian lady about to collapse way.

I drove him to the station trying to make small talk about the weather and his course and came back to everyone sat staring in disbelief. He's never said anything, acted in any way 'feminine' (whatever that means). He's at a RG uni, studying a science subject with 3 As at A level, and has organised himself a part time job. I only say this because life seems to be going well for him, rather than a potential response to something.

He is however autistic.

DD 17 is furious and says he's making a mockery of women and that woman is not a costume. She says he better not be going in female only spaces.

DD 15 looks stunned and keeps asking why he thinks he can just become a woman and what he thinks that means. She can't identify out of periods etc etc. DS 15 is laughing in disbelief. DH just looks completely confused and keeps muttering about getting loads of tattoos when he wanted to shock his parents thirty five years ago.

I genuinely don't know what to do next. Please bear in mind I'm in shock, had only just 'got over' my first born leaving for uni and all the emotions that brings.

I want to support DS19 with whatever gender expression he wants. When he still looked like him (and didn't appear to be 'dressed as' a mockery of women) I was shocked but we just thought ok, this is him experimenting with finding himself or whatever. But now I'm really worried about him and his future and whether others will look at him and think wtf. I'm also angry at the very (sorry to stereotype) 'teen boy' way he told us - late at night, no response, informing us what he was called rather than perhaps asking 'could you call me'. No consideration of the impact but I guess that might just be being 19.

I agree with what both of my daughters are saying. How do I say this because it then directly criticises DS? Do I accept he is an adult, has made his choices and my care and focus should be on them? I can't gaslight them and tell them they're wrong.

I'm now worried he's going to go into female spaces, as a clearly visible six foot plus male. This would make me angry.

He is at a university where I know lots of his lecturers (I am an academic in the same field). I know many are gender critical. Do I mention it to them first or let it be the elephant in the room?

I don't know what to say to my 85 year old mother. I think she will be very shocked and worried. I'm trying to work out if we have to tell her (she doesn't live nearby).

I don't know how much to talk to him or challenge this. I feel a kind of grief. I'm worried he's going to take hormones or do something irreversible.

We all dislike the name / think it's a very odd choice - which makes me feel very alienated from him.

And at the end of the day he's my 'baby' - I want him to be happy. I don't want people to criticise him. I want to support him but how do you do that when you question so much what he is doing? It wasn't the fact he declared himself to have a different gender but rather what followed - the declaration of name, strange clothing and fear of him going in women's spaces.

I also do absolutely realise he is an adult and can make his own choices and face the consequences. He has his own life (albeit he's being financially supported by us).

I guess it was just so sudden.

Any advice on what to do next would be gladly received.

I would say he is on the middle of a mental health crisis now. He is lonely, confused, isolated and probably likely to dig himself a bigger hole with his actions.

but your other DC are perfectly entitled to their opinions and to feel what they are feeling. It is not wrong.

I would tell him* he could dress in women's clothes, but in a style where he's more likely to fit in. Why has he chosen that name etc Just give him some guidance, book him a doctor appt, book* him some therapy to talk about his feelings.

Are you really as affirming as you think you are? Something tells me you know deep down that this woman's son isn't actually female...

At that age I'd have wanted reassurance that my parents acknowledged that the situation was bewildering, that they understood why the clunky woman-gender costume was insulting, and that I wasn't going to be expected to lie about my childhood.

Yes, absolutely. It must be very destabilising for them.

Hi @Autumnleavesareslippery, I've namechanged for this as the content is so extremely private. But I am a copious poster on MN and indeed on this board.

My son emailed me towards the end of his first year at university, when he was just short of 19, to say that he was transgender. His manner was similarly flat and question begging. I can't go into the whole detail of it as it remains, still, an extremely traumatic and baffling time. But the TL;TR version of it was that he was having a psychotic breakdown. He, too, was autistic, and the psychosis supervened on that and on other stresses in his life.
I spent months in desperate uncertainty as to whether he was mentally ill or whether I should take his trans-identification at face value . I tried riding two horses at once, pleading with him to get mental health support and also trying to reach out to trans organisations for help with that (this was ten years ago, before things went so openly weird in the world of transactivism).
Please understand that psychosis does not always present as manifest delusion and illness. It can be much more subtle and hard to observe decisively.
Eventually, things moved on in a host of ways and he was sectioned. When his psychosis settled down as a result of medication, the idea of being trans disappeared completely, so completely that he resisted all attempts on my part to 'keep open' the idea of 'transgender' being actually a set of concerns that he was genuinely facing.
The particular idea of being transgender never returned, despite many future periods of psychosis and many periods of lucidity during which he could reflect on who he was. Several healthcare professionals told me how common transgender is as a delusion in patients who are both autistic and psychotic. It is one of the reasons why I find the ban on conversion therapy disturbing: Will it introduce a new hurdle for psychotic patients who need help with their psychosis, and who are already so badly served?
Of course it may be something entirely different that your son is going through, but I do want to put the idea of psychosis out there. Even if it is not relevant in your case it may be in the families of others reading here. And people with psychosis seem to be so neglected in so many mental health contexts that I often feel on a mission to mention them.
The key thing that made me think of my son in your OP was the strangely 'matter of fact' aspect to your son's new presentation, as if he wasn't fully awake/aware in relation to its ramifications.

This is a very important post imo

It's more than possible that your son is in MH crisis so my first port of call would be to explore that, rather than to affirm, teach him how to put on makeup, or call him Susan.

I would reiterate to his siblings that you love and care for them and their brother, and that it's natural to find his out-of-the-blue announcement worrying.

On the sibling question, on of the more overtly strange aspect of my son's state of mind at that time was the following: I asked him if I could explain to his younger sibling that he was transgender. I did this because I was anticipating some changes in presentation that would obviously be quite confusing for the sibling (although in fact my son never openly changed his presentation, as it turned out). My son was puzzled by the question. He genuinely didn't seem to realise that this was something that the sibling would need to know about or notice.
He was skating on the surface of the world, not quite connecting.

If he's autistic he'll not becessarily have the same feeling of "embarrassment " as a NT person. He'll also feel strongly that he's right.
All you can do is carry on loving him as your dc, whatever gender he thinks he is.

He was skating on the surface of the world, not quite connecting.

That's really helped me to get a sense of what you're describing with your son, thank you. In terms of serious mental health issues I'm only familiar with dementia, really.

There is a very insightful MN poster who has personal experience of being a sister to a brother who identifies as a woman, I hope she doesn’t mind me tagging her into this thread (if she even checks notifications!) because I suspect she will have some good advice re: supporting your daughters and preventing their needs from becoming sidelined: @RedToothBrush

Gosh ExtremelyPrivate that sounds very difficult, hope your sons are both ok now and able to put it behind them, and that your eldest son’s MH has recovered

this is extremely common in autistic young people and is ignored because it's considered conversion therapy to explore and unpick why someone autistic would declare themselves trans. This is against all safeguarding and good practise but still it continues. If you read the Cass review,
it found that affirmation can be very harmful, so tread carefully. You can be supportive and loving towards your son without affirming every single thing he says and does. And it will be much easier for him to return to who he is in future, if he hasn't been affirmed and steam rollered down a trans path now.

I can see this is a difficult situation and one I am ill equipped to give decent advice on but on the plus side, you weren't negative and didn't reject him.

If I had a daughter who was exploring her feminine side and started dressing all grown up and was getting it wrong, I'd sit down and chat to them and maybe help them and I think the same applies to your son. Show him how its done, share the pain and the pleasure and help him to be the best woman he can.

This could be a phase, an attempt to get a reaction out of you all or it could be the real thing.

Handle it sensitively, with love and be honest when you are confused and are not sure what to do or say, just don't reject him. I'd leave him to cope with his siblings in his own way but guide them to not be too mean. Its the nature of siblings to take the rise out of each other.

Telling OP to ignore? How? Its not like an invisible thing is it so how do you ignore your male child suddenly dressing as a woman.

OP your DS needs to fully realise that once he steps out of that door he is a representative of you and your family and how people perceive him is how they perceive your family. would your other DC friends not make fun of them if they knew ? does your DS consider them in his decision?

OP I would not force your other DC to accept if they don’t want to. You as a parent however , have a duty to support. But let the DC react how they deem fit. Your DS clearly sprung this on them too and did not care for their thoughts so it’s only fair.

so many layers to this OP but your solution is not on MN. Your family sound lovely.

goodluck.

I'd assume he was taking the piss, and do the same back. A few episodes of Little Britain's laydees, leaving a packet of tampons on his bed, stuff like that.
Or I'd dress up in his clothes and make him call me Uncle Ned.

But then I can't be doing with all this trans shit. A few, a very very few, people may have genuine problems with how they see themselves in society but it's mostly bandwagon jumping or an excuse by misogynistic men to invade women's spaces for various reasons.
Another 6 months and he'll grow out of it.

Awaiting deletion........

"help him to be the best woman he can."

He can't be a woman. He's a man. He can play dress up though but sounds like he's doing it badly.

What experiences growing up shaped you into a woman?

The female friendships, relationships. Thw dynamics of navigating the world as a girl. Your first crush. Your first kiss. The first time you recieved unwanted attention from a male. Your first bra fitting. Getting your bra strap 'snapped' by a boy in PE. The pain and embarrassment of your first period. UTIs. PMS. Period cramps. Etc
Etc
Etc

What does this 19 year old boy know about being a woman?

That they wear lace frocks and white gloves??

Do they??

It's a parody. It's appropriation. It's drag. It's a fetish. It's a shock tactic. It's attention seeking. It's a cry for help.

It's not womanhood

I would feel just as you do, but could it be he was terrified of reading your responses?

BinkyBeaufort · Today 13:02

I'd assume he was taking the piss, and do the same back. A few episodes of Little Britain's laydees, leaving a packet of tampons on his bed, stuff like that.
Or I'd dress up in his clothes and make him call me Uncle Ned”

Would you? Would you really?

Why didn't you go to his room to talk it through, OP?

This is so hard OP.

In my experience as a parent of a gender-confused kid here are some things that helped us:

The gender questioning is likely linked to the autism and and other "identity" issues. I can almost guarantee there are other things going on either with friends or relationships or another mental health condition which your son believes will be fixed by his becoming a woman.

You need to keep him close. You don't have to accept he's a woman or anything or even use the chosen name but any ridicule or punishment or lectures about women's rights will alienate him and not help in the longterm.

If you do not keep him close there are numerous professionals and less well-meaning people around who will exploit that distance and possibly damage your relationship. He needs you now more than ever.

He also probably needs some kind of support like therapy and if you can afford that and he is willing I suggest you get it in place asap.

Try talking openly about what he's feeling and why. He will have read and studied about gender identity and convinced himself that this is FACT. Try to talk without agreeing or disagreeing and see if siblings can be encouraged to do the same.

I see my job as a parent in this situation to get my kid as close to 25 as I can without any permanent medical treatment / surgery. I know I may fail in this and I know my kid will do what they will do. In the meantime I try to tread the very delicate line of providing love and support while thinking the whole ideology that has captured swathes of people and institutions is a massive pile of bollocks which doing untold harm to vulnerable people.

Excellent response!

It is not easy, at 6ft 2, 'dressing up' as a woman. He will be ridiculed. He will be subjected to abuse. So no one decides to do this on a whim.

Someone very unaware of typical peer reactions might.
Someone idealistic might.
Someone socially out of kilter might.
He's autistic. It makes life difficult in an NT world.

But your daughters and younger son need reassurance here, and I think that they also need to feel of equal importance to your older son in your life. My younger child is quite vocal, often, about how quickly any conversation turns back to her autistic sibling's needs and difficulties. She's not a selfish child but she often feels sidelined. I did notice that although your title asked for help with the siblings, much of your post was about your son himself.

One of my DC is trans. They are also autistic. Most of their friends are autistic and also members of the LGBTQ community. Obviously not everyone who is autistic is going to be LGBTQ and not everyone who is LGBTQ is going to be autistic but there is quite a large overlap of both communities.

It makes sense. If his brain is wired differently, it may not just affect sensory perceptions and social interactions but how he perceives sexual orientation and gender.

It is really tough because as an adult you have no control and risk pushing your child away but at the same time, they need support and love as do your girls.

The thing that struck me was the caricature dressing. I worked with a trans women who dressed in a way that no other woman would in the workplace. Everyone was too scared to say anything but the mannerisms, dress etc was such an extreme representation of a stereotype of a woman that it often went too far. A conversation would have most certainly been had with any other female wearing the same. No-one would have batted an eyelid if they were wearing more normal clothes.