My adult children don’t speak to me – I blame their therapists

[IwantToRetire]

NB - this is not about trans children, but thought some of the experiences seem to be the same, and the article seems to focus on mothers ...

“They have all talked to therapists in the various places and countries they’ve lived. They all seem to speak the same ‘therapy language’, talking about ‘toxicity’, and ‘boundaries’. It seems like a witches’ cauldron of dark forces feeding the whole scenario. The children seem happy to carry on with blaming us for anything and everything that doesn’t tally with their unreasonable expectations of us.”

“[Therapy encourages] people to do things for their mental health, and what’s best for them, and relationships are now governed on the basis of whether or not they promote one’s happiness. The idea of previous generations that you cared for your family, that you had duty to them, has been replaced by a more self-centred perspective.”

Where does therapy come into this? “The goal of therapy is often to not feel so guilty or obligated or responsible for other people’s feelings. Your obligation is really to yourself and your own happiness. I don’t think a lot of therapists have really reckoned with the harm that can be done by supporting or encouraging estrangement.”

“There’s been an enormous expansion in what gets labelled as harmful, abusive, traumatising, and neglectful behaviour in general. I often see adult children who have different ideas of what constitutes mental illness and harm and abuse, trauma and neglect, compared to the parents. I see parents so confused, because they think: ‘But I gave you a great childhood, I’d have killed for you.’ The idea of trauma has become more subjective, so that if you say that someone has traumatised you, then they have traumatised you.

“I see things get labelled ‘traumatising’ or ‘triggering’ which would have, to previous generations, been seen as the normal slings and arrows of family life. Therapy has given adult children a much bigger stick with which to beat their parents, and the parents – particularly those who feel they gave their kids a far better childhood than they experienced themselves – are left confused.”

Just a few paragraphs from a much longer article at https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/adult-children-dont-speak-to-me-blame-therapists-3158291

Can also be read at https://archive.ph/3BENZ

What a load of waffle.
To blame therapists/counselling for 3 adult children not wanting contact with her is hilarious!
The parents in this article are clearly the common denominator. You can tell by the way she ‘speaks’ she’s not very self-aware and is likely a narcissist.
At the end of the day the words/ language that are being used such as ‘triggered’ and ‘toxic’ are just words. Language evolves over time, older people struggle with that. Actions always speak louder than words.

btw - recently had a complaint against me by a client who clearly had PD, and who was stoking her feelings of anger towards her mother in every session. Every question I asked her, whatever it was about, was brought back to repeat information about her mother. I was attempting to explore the impact of this anger on her, and the way she was viewing it. And she screamed at me and put in a complaint.

So not all therapists just accept everything. It is a shame for this client, because she is truly unhappy. But not willing to see that some of her unhappiness is because of what she is doing now, not just about what happened to her in the past.

Moving on does not mean agreeing with what happened, accepting it, or even forgiving it. But if it is the defining point of your current life, that is deeply unhelpful to you in your life. Past bad acts and their effects need to be acknowledged and the impact on us understood. But dwelling on them does no one any good.

This has been my experience as a therapist.

In all my years practicing these clients wanted to break the cycle and maintain a relationship with their parent, so our work would centre on managing these.

None ever came wanting validation for cutting off a parent. I'm with the others on the thread who say if 3 children with different therapists in different countries go NC, that's the author's problem, not a therapy one.

I certainly feel the argument in the OP is the case in my own family. One of my half siblings has basically cut off his own mother and there is no way she was abusive or toxic! A little emotionally unintelligent, yes, a bit dim - sorry but true - and irritating as hell. But he had great childhood full of love, love and more love, loads of fun, 2 really caring parents in a happy marriage, every material comfort. Infact he was exceptionally close to both his parents for a young man.

But now he blames his childhood for his BPD and doesn't speak to his mother. He keeps his 3 children (her only grandchildren) away from her. I can't stand this side of him and so choose to stay away from him myself. He's been having therapy for at least 10 years.

Agree with this. I have had so much shit happen that no one knows about for this reason.

I didn't say we should blame the parents. Understanding how your parenting affected you is a different thing entirely. It can also be framed in the context of the parents' own life and their childhood experiences. For example, my father had a bad experience in the war which affected him, my mother had challenging childhood experiences. Just knowing that without exploring how their parenting of me affected me wouldn't have helped me to resolve my feeliings, it would have left me stuck. Having worked through my own feelings first and then starting to develop a degree of compassion for my parents is the riight way around in my view.

I'm sure parents believe they are doing the best they can, and maybe they are, but if they don't understand how their e.g. emotionally uncontained behaviour affects their children then they are not doing a great job. While arguably most parents love their children more than anything this is by no means all parents and a lot of parents put their own feelings first totally. I'm sure my parents would have said they loved me, their actions and behaviours were not remotely loving.

Just read AIBU for a while and you find wealthy parents that expect their adult children to buy them stuff and treat them despite being on the breadline themselves; parents who invite one sibling and not another to all family events; there is the wedding thread where fathers of the bride show how relieved they are that they're off their hands; parents who invite the family to stay and then feed them one potato and a sausage for supper. It goes on and on.

You might say that these parents are doing the best they can, I'd say they're not being loving. This is not about parents having to be perfect and never get things wrong or never shout at their kids, and always put them first: that would be unrealistic. But equally if children are neglected consistently and treated unkindly this will afect them and they may not wish to persist in a relationship with their parents when they become adults themselves.

I agree. I can see where my upbringing shaped me in ways they are not helpful (and ways it was helpful), but I don't blame my parents for this. They did the best they could within their own very many limitations.

Therapy is not about blame.

It's about understanding, acceptance and change. The only blame in this article is coming from the author.

My eldest son is VLC with us. He has told other people that this is because we were abusive. He quoted a number of examples which simply did not happen. For example he says that his father rammed his brother's head into the wall causing it to bleed and he finished up in hospital. Nothing like this ever happened and none of our children were ever hit. His brother has also told him it did not happen. He has also told people we deprived him of money when he was at University- we funded him very well and gave him a car when he told us it was necessary for his course (it was not it turns out). His contact now largely consists of asking us for quite large sums of money although he is working in a good job. He did go through therapy (we paid), but what he took out of this is the therapist reinforcing that his views were valid.

I do not think this is a therapy issue- I have had therapy and found it very useful at a time of huge stress. I think it is what the individual takes from it. On occasion this can reinforce a degree of narcissism which already exists.

When I was sectioned the psychiatrists all tried to blame my illnesses on my poor lovely innocent mum! Of course I didn't believe them.
They seem obsessed with blaming everything on a parent who's still alive. They didn't for a moment blame it on my dad who didn't really do any actual parenting, but I idolised him and he died suddenly when I was a kid.
The whole thing is just weird. Just bc some people's trauma or MH issues can stem from childhood, doesn't mean that's everyone or their mum is responsible for their ills as an adult?!

I don't agree at all OP. I went to therapy and learned how to set boundaries. I talked to my DDad and he changed his behaviour and we get on brilliantly now.

Conversely I set boundaries with my MIL and she couldn't handle it and she cut us off.

I think that learning to "set boundaries" is a step towards having a better and healthier relationship if the parent can manage to communicate and move forward with the child.

I see there's still a lot of insistence that it's all little quirks, and foibles and silly little things and life . Not so thinly veiled attempts to make it all sound childish, immature and trivial , the equivalent of temper tantrums really.

Even if that was true, those people are in such a small minority that it's the equivalent of "women lie about rape" to trivialise rape.

Denying the children a grandparent is a great shame. As difficult as I found my mother at times throughout my life, she was a really good and loving grandparent to my three children. We didn't see each other a lot - as we lived some distance away - but my parents would have our children stay for up to a week, at times - which both they and the children enjoyed.

Often parents can chill out and relax a bit more by the time grandchildren come along and their relationship with their grandchildren is often more healthy and loving than it may have been, overall, with their own children.

Some distance from time to time, or even for an extended time = going NC/LC.
Good to hear you understand the value of making space to process.

Some posters seem to think the OP is my opinion. It isn't! It is quotes from an article.

So quite honestly quoting an article that is promoting therapy with quotes about 3 different children all needing therapy means the parents have to at fault, I would take with a pinch of salt / sales pitch.

Believe it or not some children can be quite vindictive, and even if you are desparate would you really say you dont want to wait until your parent dies to get a share of their parent's wealth because they want it now. There are probably occassions when parents need boundaries from their children eg violent sons.

Note the article talks about how parents should learn how to respond to children who have had therapy but does not offer any advice about how the children having therapy should interact with their parents.

This is why I said I saw a link to those threads on FWR were OPs have talked about the heartbreak of feeling their child is being taken from them in relation to trans identity by therapists. 99% respond with sympathy to them saying how the therapy is destroying the mother child relationship. But if the trans child was to write about their experience they would be harshly critical of their mother.

And yet the article is saying it is the parent who has to accept the situation / reality the therapy creates. And some posts seem to say this is always right.

NB - I am not in any way saying this is the same as those who have experienced actual abuse whether physical or mental.

But as I said last night I wasn't expecting this thread to be mainly posters talking about their own experience, and dont for a moment question those who have posted and found therapy useful.

Additionally, which some posts have reflected, those who have found youger work colleagues etc., difficult / hard work to work with because they have and expectation of boundaries, not having to be stressed.

This I suspect is therapy language seeping into common use, with probably no real link to actual therapy.

And again there are many threads on FWR where there is talk of snow flakes, etc..

if the parent can manage to communicate and move forward with the child.

I find this problematic.

This assumes the younger person's perception is right.

It doesn't take into account the lived experience, no doubt tough times, that a parent has gone through.

It does sound like trans talk.

My reality is the real one.

You must adjust.

Who knows in a couple of decades people will be writing long books about the problems created by theraputic practicies in the early 21st century, just as (thankfully) people started to question Freud.

That's a really interesting point.

That's a really interesting point.

Well yes, but only if any of us could be sure the giver of therapy hadn't been stonewalled!

Yes, it seems like therapy for gender affirmation does the exact opposite to what therapy should really do which is challenge why you feel the way you do. I do think the original article is a bit iffy in that if three of your kids go non contact there are probably things you've done which has made them want to put some space between them and you. Apologies to anyone who sends their kids to boarding school but I've met a number of emotionally fucked up boarding school kids in my time (including my father) and I can see why that's a starting point for family estrangement once people can explore why something they're told is a privilege damaged them so much. Like others I share the concerns that gender affirming therapists are doing huge damage to children and their families.

I've met a number of emotionally fucked up boarding school kids in my time (including my father) and I can see why that's a starting point for family estrangement once people can explore why something they're told is a privilege damaged them so much.

This brings up a whole other aspect.

The family as most / the media presents is not one that has been common or maybe even understood.

Boarding school, weren't always for the rich elite, but places created to allow army families etc., to be moved from one posting to another and certainly weren't about privilege.

Or think Dickens.

In the past childhood didn't last nearly as long as it does now.

My mother left school at 15 and was expected to somehow make a way for herself. Her father was working in different countries and his waswife expected to go with him, and my mother passed from one set of relatives to another.

But by comparison to other childhoods she was better off, but the idea that the family was this place of emotional well being and support just didn't exist for many.

And many, many familes, suffered the homecoming of a father from WWI totally traumatised and non functioning as a human being, only for it all to happen again 20 years later.

In a sense (in the western world) families now are as much an experiment as a thing you can say should do this or do that. And in a way more intense, because in the past there would be parts of the extend family nearby.

Now families are small units, where often due to stress of paid work and unpaid domestic work, being a parent is just one of a list of tasks that need to be completed each day.

I wonder if it is true or just a myth that children's raised by a village rather than a family thrive more.

We each deal with life's difficulties and challenges in ways which work for us. Creating space to 'process' can take on many forms - not all have to involve total disconnection from family. Space can simply living at a physical distance and so naturally not being so intimately involved with family at a day to day level; or it can mean infrequent phone calls and visits, and so on.

Such an interesting thread, thank you. I think therapy / counselling can be hugely helpful but a lot does depend on both the therapist and the person undergoing it. In this case, I thought the throw away comment about boarding school, which acknowledged it hadn't been the right move but almost in quite a dismissive way (I accept this could be in the edit) was a bit of a give away as to someone who perhaps wasn't very aware of the impact of their approach on their children.

In terms of trans, I agree there are youngsters out there who have been affirmed and encouraged down this route through therapy but would argue, as others have, that this really is the opposite of what therapy should be about. To use the obvious comparison, if an anorexic was telling their counsellor they believed all their problems would be solved if they were just thin enough, you would generally hope they wouldn't be supporting them to come up with a plan to reach their weight goals. Unfortunately in many cases these young people were also encouraged by their teachers, youth group leaders and others in positions of authority, which is absolutely scandalous and I hope following Cass we see an end to it.

Re: 'snowflakes' in the workplace I can honestly say when I've encountered it it has not been from younger people at all. The people at my work most likely to use therapy type speak to avoid having to do stuff, or expect senior managers to step in to resolve even though most basic issues that they could easily solve for themselves are mostly in their 50s and all over 40. However, it is quite a small workplace so I don't think tells us much other than that 'snowflake' type behaviour is not solely seen in the young!

The link I see with trans children/young people is that there is a complete reversal of roles , to the point that that they "become" that shitty parent.It's the young people that are in complete control, they know best, automatically in the right, what they say goes ,manipulative, abusive and it's the parents that have little to no choice, that have to conform and manage this new environment/"reality",manage their language ,behaviour,thoughts, walking on eggshells and fucking up anyways unless they fully drink the kool aid.

What do you mean going NC for as long as it takes building healthy dynamic with therapist instead?

Asking because I have to parent my parent and was expected to be mature from a very young age. As a child, I thought I was strong but now I struggle from anxiety and depression. I have been seeing a therapist I like for over a year but my mental health is not that great.

*if the parent can manage to communicate and move forward with the child.

I find this problematic.

This assumes the younger person's perception is right.

It doesn't take into account the lived experience, no doubt tough times, that a parent has gone through.*

The younger person's perception is more usually a growing awareness that their childhood wasn't 'normal' or desirable, that it harmed them in some way, and those harms are finding expression in the unhelpful behaviours and/or beliefs they sought therapy for.

The parents' struggles are irrelevant, in the sense that the parent isn't the one in the room with the therapist.

We generally understand that they struggled. We still have the problems! There's no going back to do childhood again with an adult understanding - we were kids, not our parents' counsellors.

As adults, we can sympathise with our parents' issues while still honouring the difficulties they bestowed on us.

The transgender thing is a whole other scenario - as others keep saying, it's the only circumstance in which professionals are constrained to accept a patient's self-diagnosis and treat them accordingly. We may hope this is a transient phase, brought about by weak governance under deliberate attack.