My adult children don’t speak to me – I blame their therapists

[IwantToRetire]

NB - this is not about trans children, but thought some of the experiences seem to be the same, and the article seems to focus on mothers ...

“They have all talked to therapists in the various places and countries they’ve lived. They all seem to speak the same ‘therapy language’, talking about ‘toxicity’, and ‘boundaries’. It seems like a witches’ cauldron of dark forces feeding the whole scenario. The children seem happy to carry on with blaming us for anything and everything that doesn’t tally with their unreasonable expectations of us.”

“[Therapy encourages] people to do things for their mental health, and what’s best for them, and relationships are now governed on the basis of whether or not they promote one’s happiness. The idea of previous generations that you cared for your family, that you had duty to them, has been replaced by a more self-centred perspective.”

Where does therapy come into this? “The goal of therapy is often to not feel so guilty or obligated or responsible for other people’s feelings. Your obligation is really to yourself and your own happiness. I don’t think a lot of therapists have really reckoned with the harm that can be done by supporting or encouraging estrangement.”

“There’s been an enormous expansion in what gets labelled as harmful, abusive, traumatising, and neglectful behaviour in general. I often see adult children who have different ideas of what constitutes mental illness and harm and abuse, trauma and neglect, compared to the parents. I see parents so confused, because they think: ‘But I gave you a great childhood, I’d have killed for you.’ The idea of trauma has become more subjective, so that if you say that someone has traumatised you, then they have traumatised you.

“I see things get labelled ‘traumatising’ or ‘triggering’ which would have, to previous generations, been seen as the normal slings and arrows of family life. Therapy has given adult children a much bigger stick with which to beat their parents, and the parents – particularly those who feel they gave their kids a far better childhood than they experienced themselves – are left confused.”

Just a few paragraphs from a much longer article at https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/adult-children-dont-speak-to-me-blame-therapists-3158291

Can also be read at https://archive.ph/3BENZ

As she sent her children to boarding school to be raised by other people's children for up tonforty weeks a year, it is little wonder there is a broken attachment....

It's alarmingly common for ex-boarders to be remote, distant and have trouble with maintaining relationships.

Yes. Boarding school is done not for the good of the child but for convenience of the parents. This is deeply self centred, the thing she claims her children to be.

The problem is that for generations, you were expected to put up and shut up if it was family. You were expected to take worse behaviour from family than you would from friends. This could also lead into you normalising that behaviour and ending up in a romantic relationship with someone who doesn't actually treat you that well (certainly not as well as they should) and lots of the emancipation of women from staying in crap marriages has led a lot of them to ask why they put up with certain behaviour to begin with, and it makes sense that a lot of people go 'well, that's how my dad treated my mum, so I thought that was normal - I literally didn't know to expect better from a partner'
Nowadays people are questioning the (frankly, deeply odd) status quo that being biologically related means you are entitled to someone's time, love, money, effort, even if you don't treat them that well.

Or, to put it another way - automatically having people in your life, there ready and waiting for you, is a gift. A gift you should value and put the work into as you do a friendship. Earn trust, earn respect, treat each other well, be willing to admit when you are wrong. SO many people think that just because a particular sperm met a particular egg, the resulting human being is beholden to them emotionally forever, and should have a far higher threshold for putting up with bullshit for them than they would any other stranger who is in their lives by circumstances.

While there's absolutely a discussion to be had about therapy, I personally believe that the majority of people that get therapy and see what has always been there in its true colours. I think what we perceive as a lack of resilience resulting from therapy can often be people just... expressing their emotions rather than putting up and shutting up. Bottling something up can be horrible to our mental health, as can letting it out - especially as often we feel the need to let it out so strongly, but often are not emotionally in the place to deal with what happens next. I would say this means ignorance is bliss, but I would argue a lot of the 'bliss' is overstated. 'She was fine before she went to therapy' I mean... if she was 'fine' then why do you think she thought she needed therapy? Do you just mean 'she tells me she's upset more now?' There are outliers, of course! It's such an interesting discussion and it's been interesting reading the thoughts on this thread.

Do people go to therapy for "no real underlying reason"? I'd assume that people who were quite happy and had good relationships with their parents probably don't.

I am no contact with my parents after 40 years of being deeply unhappy and visiting regularly because that was what was expected of me. Therapy helped me to see that I'd been emotionally abused for my whole life. Does that count as "actual abuse"? My parents would argue that they'd done everything for me and this was just my perception. It is odd that my (adult) chlidren and my brother all have the same perception (and also are no contact).

Althought being no contact with my parents has been liberating in terms of my mental health, it's also left me desparately bereft. I do not think that people cut off parents lightly just because their therapists tell them to.

I haven’t read the article , but I find it really disconcerting that from such a young age in the Uk parents are alienated from gp appointments and appointments with mental health professionals. It scares the life out of me.

Honestly, you only have to read any of the threads where a parent is worried about an overweight child to see this kind of thing - tons of overweight posters piling on, blaming their own parents for their weight. If the parents tried to restrict their eating in any way, then that's what caused their weight problem. If the parents let them eat whatever they liked, that's what caused it. Parents literally cannot win with some people.

There are of course plenty of really shit parents out there, but most people do the best job they can of parenting.

On the other hand, these ideas have become so prevalent that some people are construct their identities out of so-called anxieties, abuses, or traumas, where perhaps they have faced only minor difficulties and they’d be happier without fixating on the idea they are broken or have been wronged.

How on earth can another person judge “so called” anxieties /abuse/ trauma?? We have no idea what others are dealing with. Your attitude is so close minded.

For some people, perhaps. For others (like me) just a relief not to have to deal with people one doesn't like very much. I think, as a society, we put way too much stress on family - they are just people, good and bad, and being related to them makes no difference to anything. Life is simply easier solo.
But I have never had therapy, so can't really comment on that aspect - I suspect, like so many things, there are pluses and minuses to that too.

Children who end up having to parent their parents, (probably from a very young age) are right to go no contact for as long as it takes for them to build a healthy dynamic with their therapist instead.

it depends on the therapist I guess but I’ve done a lot of therapy over the years, and I have never once had a therapist encourage me to reject a relationship with a family member, its always been about healthy boundaries and being compassionate:
It’s absolutely nothing wrong with people talking in the language of therapy, and the fact that that is described as problematic is ridiculous. It’s an educational process, of course people will refer to the things they have learned.
it’s incredibly easy for people to blame relational breakdown on therapists, but if you actually engage on therapy I think I think most people would say this is simply not true

My dad and I don't speak and low and behold it's because he thinks I'm mental and absolutely nothing to do with the way he treated me.

I was talking to one of my brothers about this the other day. We older children lived with fear and anger due to our dad's (quite severe) abuse and our mother's acceptance of it. We have all done therapy.

Our younger siblings have a completely different view of their childhoods. Dad didn't stop but he may have focused most of his aggression on us, leaving them comparatively unharmed. I went out of my way to protect them from him, and I believe the others did too. I would not, however, say their childhoods were without issues and their subsequent life choices have been as bad as ours - the only big difference is that they make no connection with any problems during childhood.

I went very low contact with my father after he kicked me out at 18. We did have a relationship, though, and I've also done the whole post-therapy analysis with my mother: she was basically fully Stockholmed, but acknowledges what I have told her about my experiences.

In short, my brother and I agree that our parents did the best they knew how. Dad's childhood was horrifically abusive: for all his sadism, he was in fact "less bad" than his own father. And the younger siblings' perceptions prove that it takes self-awareness to recognise abuse.

I dislike the concept of "toxicity" because it does nothing to reveal the complexities of human life: how much poison is acceptable, and who decides? If my dad was poisoned by my granddad, what about my mum? She must have been poisoned by having such a loving birth family that she lacked defences against abuse, but who would call that toxic?

The young adults mentioned in the OP must, I think, have done enough therapy to uncover the family dynamics that led to problems in their adult lives - but not enough to analyse it all and seek to reconcile themselves with the children they were. The aim of therapy, as my brother and I understand it, is to fully understand oneself and to integrate all our parts into a better-functioning whole. It doesn't sound as if they've done that (yet).

There's always been a lively exchange between my therapy and my feminism. I think it very much does have a part to play in our comprehension of what it is to be female in our world.

Do people go to therapy for "no real underlying reason"? I'd assume that people who were quite happy and had good relationships with their parents probably don't.
Shrier was talking about the US where in some circles yes, it is quite common.

It's the lack of understanding that everyone has their own difficulties and is a product of their own upbringing.

Parents whose own childhoods were pretty poor having done their best but then being held to and viewed through the lens of today.

There's no magic switch when you become a parent that makes all your previous insecurities, issues, personality disappear into Mary Poppins.

The wider understanding that parents are also people and therefore imperfect is really odd.

Anyone who then tries to bring their own children up without ever making a mistake is likely to end up with very poor mental health and then ironically end up not being the parent of their own aspirations.

Really interesting thank you for posting. So sad to hear some of these stories. I can definitely relate.

1. Therapy needs to be better regulated - psychotherapy should be a protected title.
2. No reputable therapist should be encouraging their clients to go NC/LC or anything else. Therapy is for exploration, but it is up to the client to make their choice - sometimes it is that it is better for them to not be in contact. But as a therapist, my opinion is private, unless there is active imminent danger. I saw one person on and off for years on and off while wondering why she stayed with her undermining and horrible husband. It was lovely to see the change in her when she finally started to see how his behaviour was affecting her. But it was not up to me to tell her what she should do in the relationship, just to explore what was affecting her mood.
3. There is nothing selfish about therapy. A good therapist will help you examine your own behaviour and the part you are playing in your own difficulties. It is not about blaming anyone else.
4. I have said on several boards that NC is a very drastic move to make and needs to be carefully considered and MN has come down on me like a ton of bricks. I am a therapist. I speak from experience.
5. In the first lines of the article, you have 3 children and 3 therapists - so 6 people according to these parents, have come to the same conclusion, and it is nothing to do with the parents. IME, people who have truly bad behaviour usually have a complete blind spot about themselves and will refuse to take any responsibility for themselves. I have written previously about working with parents whose children have been removed and seeing the effect it has had (children with flat parts of their skulls from being left in cots for so long, children whose hips have not formed because they are never helped to move around, children with bleeding lesions because they are left in wet nappies for so long). Those parents, without exception, will tell you how good they are and how it is so unfair that people are picking on them by taking their children away.

@Garlicfest - yes it is the capacity of the parents that is key. Truthfully they need the help. But given all that they do (and they have trauma themselves) the idea that they can admit fault or confront what they have done to their children, who have zero agency and no choice, is near impossible.

They damage their children, and they deny it for the most part. I think if they did admit it even for a second they would have to feel fear. As it is, they choose to frighten their children instead.

Adult needs, placed on children.

I’ve got mixed reviews on this really. I am trying to cut ties with my mum as she was very neglectful when I was young to the point of I fed myself - a distinct memory I have is of being I would say 3 or 4 and getting breakfast for myself. She would leave me home alone. I was sexually abused by male relatives and she never even suspected anything. I feel she is toxic as she tells relatives I am “spoilt” and it’s her fault I am rude to her as she let me do what I wanted when I was young! I’m considered the black sheep of my family, my sisters have had a completely different upbringing as grandma was alive then and took care of them but grandma died when I was 3 so I never had the same love or guidance.

Ivecen spoke to her recently about it and she denied everything and said she did her best! I don’t think she did well I actually know she did not do her best,

I often look at my DD and wonder what mistakes I will make. I know I’m better than my mum as I feed my DD and I am wary of males near her - I don’t care if anyone thinks this is too much as I think better safe than sorry!

Interesting how you didn't copy in the therapists pov who said some people absolutely do need to go no contact and how therapy speak is a positive as we learn that abuse is more than just hitting children.

Strong 'the missing missing reasons' vibes from this woman. https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

If you haven't come across Issendai's blogs from a few years ago, it's consistently one of the best analyses of this dynamic I've read.

This article is pretty much the whole bingo card, flailing around for reasons that make the cut-off seem trivial ('we did'nt phone her when she was in Australia'), a complete lack of empathy and self-awareness and apparent unwillingness to acquire any.

The same dynamic used play out consistently on the 'estranged parents' threads on Gransnet.

To paraphrase Wilde, one child cutting you off might be a coincidence. All three doing so is definitely not a coincidence. And yet here she is, blaming three different (presumably separate, unconnected) therapists.

🙄

I am sorry you had that experience @CrazyMeee , but what you said about your mums response dont quite hang together. Is she saying it did not happen? Or that it did and she did her best? And is it possible she did do her best even if that best was not good - you are adamant she did not, but what is that evaluation based on? What was her childhood like? What is she like in other ways? With other people? What would be the pros and cons of NC. LC? Business as usual? I hope you can find someone to really help you consider all of this and make the choice for yourself which is best for you MH.

My friend fell in love with my husband and her therapist told her to tell him. It caused an almighty issue between the three of us for several years and impacted all our mutual friends. I'd have loved to give this therapist an earful saying that they should not just be answerable to their clients happiness but to actually consider the wider picture. They are a problem, you're not wrong.

I totally agree with that article and have experienced it myself. My previously loving , caring and sensitive son has turned into a selfish monster who now barely speaks to anyone in the family. It’s heart breaking. It hurts particularly as I have broken myself to try and support him in his life .

Im sure my parents would agree with this article. It wouldn’t change the fact that my father was an addict, and my parents had an absolutely toxic marriage. They were simply in complete denial that their behavior had any impact on the children. I’m not even certain my father remembers most of what he did.

I still talk to my father btw, my mother died fairly early. I just have strong boundaries because I learned not to let someone keep abusing me as an adult.

if someone needs therapy to help them stand up to the person that was supposed to love them unconditionally, but instead abused them, we should be supporting them, not denigrating them.

It’s rather old now, but “People of the Lie” deals with the phenomenon of parents who believe they are good while inflicting psychological pain in their children. The author describes the self righteous parent, who has never done anything wrong, and deems their child bad or otherwise mentally ill. Equally they deny their children any psychological help that will mean independent consideration of the child’s feelings. It is a chilling book, but one that sets out the narcissist parent and the damage they can do. Anyone who has got through a childhood like that, and seeks therapy, boundaries and limits rather than abusing themselves with drugs, alcohol or being abused by other adults which is common, is doing the right thing. Do it for you. You are worth it.