My adult children don’t speak to me – I blame their therapists

[IwantToRetire]

NB - this is not about trans children, but thought some of the experiences seem to be the same, and the article seems to focus on mothers ...

“They have all talked to therapists in the various places and countries they’ve lived. They all seem to speak the same ‘therapy language’, talking about ‘toxicity’, and ‘boundaries’. It seems like a witches’ cauldron of dark forces feeding the whole scenario. The children seem happy to carry on with blaming us for anything and everything that doesn’t tally with their unreasonable expectations of us.”

“[Therapy encourages] people to do things for their mental health, and what’s best for them, and relationships are now governed on the basis of whether or not they promote one’s happiness. The idea of previous generations that you cared for your family, that you had duty to them, has been replaced by a more self-centred perspective.”

Where does therapy come into this? “The goal of therapy is often to not feel so guilty or obligated or responsible for other people’s feelings. Your obligation is really to yourself and your own happiness. I don’t think a lot of therapists have really reckoned with the harm that can be done by supporting or encouraging estrangement.”

“There’s been an enormous expansion in what gets labelled as harmful, abusive, traumatising, and neglectful behaviour in general. I often see adult children who have different ideas of what constitutes mental illness and harm and abuse, trauma and neglect, compared to the parents. I see parents so confused, because they think: ‘But I gave you a great childhood, I’d have killed for you.’ The idea of trauma has become more subjective, so that if you say that someone has traumatised you, then they have traumatised you.

“I see things get labelled ‘traumatising’ or ‘triggering’ which would have, to previous generations, been seen as the normal slings and arrows of family life. Therapy has given adult children a much bigger stick with which to beat their parents, and the parents – particularly those who feel they gave their kids a far better childhood than they experienced themselves – are left confused.”

Just a few paragraphs from a much longer article at https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/adult-children-dont-speak-to-me-blame-therapists-3158291

Can also be read at https://archive.ph/3BENZ

Yes,it's really worrying.

Not read the article but generally I think when people seek to "blame" others that means that there is something unreconciled in themselves. It's not objective. Doesn't speak to me of a healthy mindset.

I could not agree more with this.

And for full disclosure - I don't have anything to do with my parents because they are sexually abusive and a danger to my children. I'm sure they tell everyone they 'blame' someone else for our estrangement. They're hardly going to tell the truth, are they?

What's this got to do with women's rights, anyway? Perhaps you should move it to relationships.

I see this in my sister and my mum. My sister hasn't been to therapy that I know of but has read lots of therapy books. Lots of talk about boundaries but not much understanding that my mum tried her best. As a result our sibling relationship is strained because her boundaries make extra work for me but she sees that as a me problem.

Abigail Shrier's new book is on this topic and I find it fascinating. She blames in part the push for people to go to therapy when they don't really have a problem. Being pushed to examine every emotion can lead to obsessing about trauma and becoming less resilient in the long run.

Society is certainly becoming more individualistic, well certainly western society anyway.
There are definitely problems with ideas like duty and obligation, but I think we are risking family and community.
There seems a real inability to consider that parents are imperfect people doing their best.
I see some youngsters creating impossibly high standards for others to live up to, whether that is family or well known people - think cancel culture - and they are actually also going to find it hard to live up to these standards themselves. I wonder what will happen then? More therapy probably.

My mother would agree with this. I'm more inclined to think that if all your kids seek out therapy and seperately come to the conclusion that their upbring was toxic, the upbringing most likely was toxic, and your refusal to accept that is further evidence of it.

This is an interesting read thank you @IwantToRetire.

NC for this as I post a lot here and don't want to be too outing.

I have a family member who has done this; estranged from her parents. Her dad was not a nice person, I'll give her that, so I can understand why she had to blame him completely for everything. It was weird; once she started getting therapy she got worse and it was almost like she revelled in the attention of it. Her mental health declined; it was his fault, he was a narcissist, he was to blame etc etc. I think her childhood was lonelier than mine; he was very strict and worked away a lot. She was on her own and sent to after school and child minders and even on holidays.

She married a quiet, slightly staid man (opposite of her dad) and had children and seemed happy but they got into debt (she never really revealed how) and that was when the estrangement from her parents really began. I suspect perhaps she asked her parents for money and they refused or they couldn't give her money; they didn't have savings as they were 'spend as you earn' type of people.

Anyway she was constantly quoting her therapist about her family toxicity etc but would never meet her dad to try and talk about it.

Blocked him and her mother. She told my mum about her debt so my parents felt guilty and started giving her money every month. This went on for years. Once my mum got more ill my dad stopped giving her money as he needed to start saving for care costs. After then she cut my parents off too citing mental health issues and blamed my dad for nonsense reasons. She then blocked me when it had nothing to do with me.

I think about her every so often as we were close in childhood but it's just not someone I recognise anymore. I do hope she's moved towards a more positive relationship with her parents now, but I don't know as when she cut my parents off and blocked me, her parents (who were also blocked from contacting her) stopped talking to us. Despite their daughter not talking to them either, their loyalty was obviously still to her so logically she had cut contact with my parents and me so they did too. It hurt my mum at the time she misses her sister but what can you do?

I do wonder about the selfishness of therapy and how me me me it all is. It's a reflection of society as a whole I think. No community spirit. It makes me sad.

My parents would probably say this. And they did try their best. It was just, sadly, a very fucked up best.

The therapy helped me understand that our family was dysfunctional and abusive. I'd just assumed it was normal, as a child, because I knew no different. I have gone low contact for the sake of my mental and physical health. I deeply regret the pain it causes my parents, but I can't sacrifice my own sanity to keep up the pretence that their behaviour is fine and normal.

Well… maybe. But reality of family can be very complex. Abusive parents are also manipulative people who lie to themselves and other people. You would be surprised at how far they go, and how a child’s life can be made a hell without ever a finger being laid upon them. And yet if you spoke to those parents, they would say they had done everything. They mean it too.

I'm sorry to hear that @ManchesterGirl2 I hope my post didn't upset you, I was talking as an outsider looking in. I never doubted my family member's bad mental health, she did have issues but it seemed to get worse with therapy not better. It was odd. It sounds like yours made you better which is good and I'm happy for you. I hope things are good now 💐

Edited to clarify bad mental health

Therapy is largely unregulated. I am currently listening to this podcast (though a bit behind as I am on holiday and I usually listen on my commute). It involves (alleged) false memories, and isolation from f&f by the therapist.

If I was in a vulnerable place, I could see how I could be manipulated into blaming a lot of things on my parents. It seems people go NC for a lot less. (I'm not talking about actual physical/ mental/ sexual abuse or neglect)

https://www.tortoisemedia.com/2024/07/10/are-memories-made-of-this/

Exactly this.

I think it's really important to have these conversations, but I wish people who pontificate about this in general terms would at least acknowledge that there is a very real proportion of people who suffered genuine abuse and had no choice but to break the cycle and go no contact.

Incest literally ran in my family for generations FFS! And I was the first person in my family to get away from this shit and protect my kids from it and people who know nothing AT ALL about my situation spout this crap about therapists being responsible for estrangement.

If we're talking women's rights can we talk about how women are more likely to be victims of abuse, more likely to not be believed?

No?

"I'm not talking about actual physical/ mental/ sexual abuse or neglect"

But how do you propose to know that any of that has gone on?

I don't tell people about the abuse and neglect I suffered, it's none of their business, it's my private experience and I don't owe it to anyone by way of explanation. Nobody does.

@tickabillia My comment was really only regarding therapy for no real underlying reason. Of course, when actual abuse has taken place that is an entirely different story and going no contact sounds like a difficult but wise decision.

Three of your children don’t talk to you and it’s their therapists fault?! Seriously….

But you do not know if abuse has gone on. How can you? Who made you the arbiter of whether abuse has occurred? We don't talk about it because we're shamed and blamed and so we give general explanations and then you decide it's not good enough.

I think this is part of the double edged sword of mental health discourses more broadly.

It’s good that we now have a language to talk about mental health (whether abuse, trauma, anxiety, etc) - good at least for those people who really benefit from addressing and working through serious issues. Many peoples’ lives will be seriously improved or even saved by forms of therapy.

On the other hand, these ideas have become so prevalent that some people are construct their identities out of so-called anxieties, abuses, or traumas, where perhaps they have faced only minor difficulties and they’d be happier without fixating on the idea they are broken or have been wronged.

Part of the problem of mental health discourses is that some believe they deserve to live a life entirely free of conflict or difficulty, and that they are experiencing great trauma if that’s not the case. This is certainly making some less resilient and tolerant.

Oh my goodness, I only added that as a caveat because I thought I'd my jumped on if I didn't. I added it and I still was.

I'm not the arbiter or even criticising anyone who has gone no contact. I'm not sure what your point is.

You weren't 'jumped' on. If you post about a sensitive topic expect to hear experiences other than your own.

Welllll.... I see a therapist who has helped me see some of the difficulties my own parents may have had and I had always known how my grandparents' expectations had hampered my mother.
It has also helped me not to respond in great depth to my mother's every demand. I do speak to her though I have learned (from my therapist and from my DH) that saying "that won't work for us" is much more effective than a complex explanation.

I don't think she's abusive but I also don't listen to her as closely as I did/as she'd like.

The problem with things like saying something is ok "if actual abuse occurred" is that people don't always know that abuse occurred until you start unpicking it.

I was lucky, I was removed from our parents at 7 and had good help young. I was the youngest sibling by 9 years so my siblings were much older. My sister was an adult and in therapy for feelings she couldn't understand when it clicked with her that our childhood was horrifically abusive. It wasn't even in the main therapy session that she realised either. It was when she made an off the cuff comment just at the end of a session and her therapist was caught off guard and reacted with absolute horror.

If someone has multiple children and those children all go to therapy in different places and come out with the same conclusions then it's not the therapists that is issue imo.

Trust me going NC is the hardest most heartbreaking thing one could do. But also the bravest. Just think of it like this, who on earth doesn't want a close loving trusting safe relationship with their parents. It's surely one of the most genuinely precious and sacred things in the world that any child even adult child would wish for. So remember that side of it when a child feels they had to resort to taking this step.