My adult children don’t speak to me – I blame their therapists

[IwantToRetire]

NB - this is not about trans children, but thought some of the experiences seem to be the same, and the article seems to focus on mothers ...

“They have all talked to therapists in the various places and countries they’ve lived. They all seem to speak the same ‘therapy language’, talking about ‘toxicity’, and ‘boundaries’. It seems like a witches’ cauldron of dark forces feeding the whole scenario. The children seem happy to carry on with blaming us for anything and everything that doesn’t tally with their unreasonable expectations of us.”

“[Therapy encourages] people to do things for their mental health, and what’s best for them, and relationships are now governed on the basis of whether or not they promote one’s happiness. The idea of previous generations that you cared for your family, that you had duty to them, has been replaced by a more self-centred perspective.”

Where does therapy come into this? “The goal of therapy is often to not feel so guilty or obligated or responsible for other people’s feelings. Your obligation is really to yourself and your own happiness. I don’t think a lot of therapists have really reckoned with the harm that can be done by supporting or encouraging estrangement.”

“There’s been an enormous expansion in what gets labelled as harmful, abusive, traumatising, and neglectful behaviour in general. I often see adult children who have different ideas of what constitutes mental illness and harm and abuse, trauma and neglect, compared to the parents. I see parents so confused, because they think: ‘But I gave you a great childhood, I’d have killed for you.’ The idea of trauma has become more subjective, so that if you say that someone has traumatised you, then they have traumatised you.

“I see things get labelled ‘traumatising’ or ‘triggering’ which would have, to previous generations, been seen as the normal slings and arrows of family life. Therapy has given adult children a much bigger stick with which to beat their parents, and the parents – particularly those who feel they gave their kids a far better childhood than they experienced themselves – are left confused.”

Just a few paragraphs from a much longer article at https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/adult-children-dont-speak-to-me-blame-therapists-3158291

Can also be read at https://archive.ph/3BENZ

The family in the article are not at all believable. From the ages the mother supposedly had her first child at 16 and the second at 23. At some point she supposedly trained as a teacher and the two teaching salaries were enough to send three kids to boarding school?

But even if it's common to go to therapy it surely is not common to go straight from having a good and happy relationship with parents to no contact at all?

I suspect there are rather a lot of stages in the middle, which the parents have conveniently "forgotten".

Indeed this is a common narrative with abusive parents. And the dynamics are very complex; there will often one narcissist and one codependent parent who is weak and tries to help but not to the point where the child’s feelings and psychological safety are met. These are not mistakes as such but a pattern of behaviour in the family.

Typically narcissistic and codependent partners will focus on the overt actions they did. The show of what they did to others.

However the child’s actual need for psychological safety is ignored at all times in reality. This kind of emotional abuse is hard to see from the outside. But it is most often a reason for no contact or low contact, or careful boundaries being drawn.

I only wish my DD had agreed to seeing someone over the years.. instead she rejects everyone and everybody. No doctor , no therapist , no friends. Isolated with controlling boyfriend. However I do think that sometimes it seems that suddenly we are all the worst parents ever, despite having stuck by our children through the worst times. And I fully accept the mistakes I made.

I have to say that having gone through 4 years of therapy for an abusive childhood I disagree that therapy promotes victimhood. If anything it shows you how you have always been resilient by acknowledging what was done to you and how, in spite of the abuse, you survived.

No parent is perfect and I don’t believe any person engages in the therapy process because their parents weren’t perfect. Speaking for myself, I entered therapy because I had reached breaking point living a life filled with anxiety, I knew I didn’t want my anxiety to impact my two young kids. Through therapy the source of my anxiety became clear, and this is what I think some people have difficulty with. Some people think that the therapist is responsible for bringing up the topic of childhood unnecessarily but, for me, that wasn’t the case. Once my abuse was acknowledged and processed my anxiety all but disappeared (and my autoimmune disease improved by 90%). More people need to see the connection between mental and physical health with trauma, I see it in my line of work personally.

I don’t think anyone would go NC if their parents were willing to acknowledge abuse and make a concerted effort to change. I know my parents have had difficult childhoods but they chose to repeat the pattern on their innocent kids. I too had a difficult childhood and chose not to repeat the patterns. I’m far from perfect though but my only goal in life is that my kids don’t have to recover from their childhood. That doesn’t promote victimhood, it’s being strong.

Honestly my mother could have wrote that, I’m sure she’s still telling people to this day that her children don’t speak to her because, of therapists, society etc anything that doesn’t take responsibility, someone posted about it being like when people blame social services but downplay it massively and that hits the nail on the head for me.
realistically if three of your kids, are going to therapists in multiple countries and they’ve all decided to go NC, it’s not likely to be therapy that caused it.

The therapeutic movement towards establishing boundaries can get misunterpreted as 'exclusion' - rather than as an internal process of defining oneself and one's limitations. This can result in estrangement from family, and the person doing the excluding never really gets to develop functioning and healthy boundaries, nor are capable of long lasting relationships.Relationships need to be able to withstand the " slings and arrows" if they are to mature and develop,

How do her boundaries make extra work for you?

All of our upbringings were toxic by that measure. I know of not one person who has not had issues at some point with one or other or both parents to the extent that they are somewhat distant from them at some point.

Eventually we grow up and realise that life is not perfect, relationships are necessarily flawed, and that we all have personal responsibility for managing our own responses.

THIS!!

Part of that personal responsibility can be going NC.

What could possibly be the common denominator? 🤔

Absolutely this.

There is a massive difference between having some issues and having a toxic upbringing.
I think the people on this thread peddling the "no families are perfect, all relationships have their difficulties" lines are lucky enough to have no idea as to what a toxic relationship looks like.

I didn't stop talking to my parents because of a few small issues.
And I would happily talk to them again, if they reflect on and change their behaviour. But while they refuse to acknowledge that there is anything wrong with their behaviour, they are not going to do that.
It's not for me to "prove" to others that my parents behaviour is "bad enough" to go NC. It's too bad for me to spend time or talk to them, so I choose not to do this. Others might say this is because of my lack of resilience. I think I've been resilient for 40 years and now I've had enough.

If you don't enjoy a friend's company, it's perfectly acceptable for you to stop being friends.
If your husband constantly upsets you and is unsupportive, your friends encourage you to leave him.
It's only when you share DNA with a person, that apparently "you should just try harder".

It doesn’t sound like you know just how bad a really toxic family relationship can be. Lucky you.

Lots of autistic parents harm their children without realising they are doing it, if they have a poor theory of mine and cannot empathise. My parents think they’re wonderful. All their children hate them and they have no comprehension of their total failings.

I'm sure in the most extreme circumstances of obvious abuse ( sexual/physical/mental) - but for most people in the average flawed family it does seem unnecessarily extreme. Some distance from time to time, or even for an extended time can help one to put matters into perspective, and creates the space to allow for forgiveness.

You think someone who didn't even feed their child was doing their best?

I had therapy once and my therapist was fantastic at helping me to consider other perspectives particularly with regard to my relationship with my mum. Initially I was annoyed by her approach because I'd assumed therapy was about me but looking back her approach helped me to move on from the anger and resentment I felt about my childhood. I came to understand that my mum had been shaped by her violent upbringing which helped me to find compassion towards her for the pain she had gone through. This was a big shift for me as during the last months of her life, I realised she did love me but didn't have the skills or maturity to emotionally support me because of the abuse she had suffered. I realised that she had never had the opportunity for her abuse to be acknowledged or for her to get the therapeutic care she needed. I regret that I came late to counselling; if I had had it earlier I would have encouraged my mum to get help as she remained a traumatised, dysregulated woman her whole life. By this time however, she was dying and it was too late but I was glad that I had had counselling as I reached a place of forgiveness. We were eventually able to express our love for one another before she passed away which helped me massively with the grief that followed. I realise every person is different with different needs and family structures, but for me having a therapist to gently challenge me as well as validate me became an important part of the healing process for me.

I don't know. It depends I guess on what is being interpreted as toxic, and also if one has gone on to develop resillience in the face of life's cruleties and sufferings. Obviously some of families described here have been wilfully abusive - but most parents act less than perfectly only through their own failings, weaknesses and the stresses of their own life.

I'm not sure there is one parent who has not said something hurtful to their child through loss of temper, patience or whatever at some point, yet still that one comment can haunt a child for life - and become the foundation for all sorts of neurosis and loss of self worth or confidence.

I know my mother told me, age 4, that I had "ruined her life" and if "it hadn't been for me then she would have......." My mother had an aggressive tongue and could say very hurtful things - throughout my childhood, but she was also good fun and showed her love/concern in other ways.

I was distant at times in my life - often through the fact of living far away in other places - but still kept in regular contact via the phone. I was able to appreciate the difficulties she suffered in her own life ( she was adopted and then had a less than ideal relationship with her adopted mother); was well aware she spent a lot of her life with clinical depression and latterly was over-taken with various phobias and fears to the extent that would not even leave the house, or come and visit my family. My main feeling is sadness that she was unable to thrive and fulfill her own potential.

I've had to learn and develope emotional and psychological resillience. I was also a single parent at age 19 and went through some pretty dark and difficult times after/and as a result of that; but I'm glad I maintained my family connections; was able to appreciate my mother for the person she was and the life she led. She died almost four years ago now......and I still think about her most days.....my dominant feeling is sadness.

I always thought this. Once I began to be more open with people if the subject of parents came up, I found that people who seemed to have loving families were utterly horrified and understanding of my choice to protect my mental health and physical safety. Those who seemed less happy but dutiful in their family life, or who behave in ways toward their children that make me uneasy, were most likely to say the sorts of things I’ve seen on this thread to minimise and excuse the utter misery of both my childhood and my adulthood before I broke away from my family.

Obviously I don’t know anyone here, so wouldn’t take my personal experience to be a universal certainty, but it’s been interesting in my real life to find it’s the opposite that’s true.

On the subject of therapy, I went because I spent every day for 45 years wishing myself dead. No one told me to go no contact, my family drove me away by refusing to accept very mild boundaries. I still have moments of self hatred, probably always will, but I don’t wish myself dead, and my life is pretty happy despite long term health problems. Nothing will ever convince me to go back on that, and my family know very well why.

Great post, so many people don't understand this.

In some ways I wish I had therapy when I was younger. I could have saved myself some very difficult times in my life. However I think if I had done it younger I think my youth would have meant I would have been tempted to go down a blame route and see things much in black and white, right or wrong etc. I was quite angry then. Having therapy in your fifties means you already know how hard life can be and you understand survival mode so now I just see it was two people who were struggling themselves. I can have compassion for them whilst honouring my own difficulties with the way things were. I do feel like I’ve wasted an awful lot of time though

I feel therapy promotes victimhood rather than resilience.

Only bad therapy. No good therapist wants to enable their clients to see themselves this way.

@johann12 , sorry that happened to you. Peoples blind spots about their own behaviour can be shocking.

therapists seem, unaccountably, to be vulnerable to being taken in by clients who actually aren't so much victims of real trauma as they are people with personality disorders who victimize others.

I think there is something really important in this. Less experienced therapists may not pick up on this. But it is also possible to be a therapist in this country while undertaking training that does not believe in personality disorder or the medical model of MH. Another reason it should be a protected title with uniform standards of training whichever modality you use.