@SpidersAreShitheads When I was 17-20 I had in my mind that rape was this thing that a stranger in the shadows did to you. So when I was raped by a then-boyfriend, I didn't realise it was rape. I didn't like it, but I thought that was my problem and carried on as normal. When I was 21 I was sexually assaulted by someone I went out on a date with. I'd asked him back to my home. I didn't realise it was sexual assault. After all, we were on a date. As it was happening I remember thinking, This isn't right, but I doubted myself and texted him the next day thanking him for a nice time. I think this was the sort of thing Tori Amos was singing about in Precious Things, or at least that's what I took from it:
He said, 'You're really an ugly girl
but I like the way you play'
and I died
but I thanked him
can you believe that, sick
holding onto his picture
dressing up every day'.
Knowing there's something wrong but holding onto a few crumbs of affection, and the story you tell yourself about them, for the sake of feeling loved and wanted and fulfilling their expectations.
There's also the juxtaposition of Neil's two personas: 'Lovely Feminist Guy' and 'Predatory creep'. The two seemingly don't add up. It makes you doubt yourself. This is what happened with the boyfriend who raped me. He worked in a protective role with vulnerable people. I remember thinking that someone with a job like him couldn't be a rapist, I must have got it wrong. These men know how disorientating this is, they play on it.