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Original poster

A single mum friend started dating a man who was accused of CSA

55 replies

BlessedKali · 31/03/2024 22:28

I initially posted this on AIBU, but I'd quite like the thought of some of the wise women who I have come to love and respect on this board.

If it wasn't for this board, I don't think I would have been able to ive the advice I did.

It's all bothering me as I havent got anyone IRL I can talk to about it.

Hi all,

A very good friend of mine is a single mum to a two year old girl. She met a man two months ago who she thinks is absolutely amazing, and has been really 'healing' since the very toxic father of her baby.

I went to see her recently and asked her about her new man. As we're good friends, we got straight into it, and she told me about this rather, in my eyes, RED FLAG.

So she tells me that he was accused by his brother and brother's wife of sexual assault of their daughter (his neice). There was a case, but he was never found guilty. Case was dropped, etc.

When my friend told me that I clapped my hand to my mouth and couldn't really hold back on a rather strong reaction. Think along of the lines of:

''oooohhh no!!! what a red flag!!! how could you ever trust him with your daughter... etc etc''

I didn't tell her what to do, or shame her in any way, but I did very strongly explain that this is a red flag and I wouldn't tak the risk with my child.

Now, she believes his story, for various reasons - like, they found no evidence on any of his tech devices, and the whole family is on his side (although she can only know this from his own word. Also the fact her told her almost straight away made her feel he was honest.

Claire's law can't be used, as he is from a euro country.

I think I've scared my friend and now she is very upset coming to terms with having to end what she thought was going to be a lovely relationship.

Was I wrong to have warned her so strongly? I'm kinda feeling bad to see her so upset.

I can't really discuss this with actual friends as it is confidential to her, so I'm asking mumsnet what they think.

OP posts:
Duckingella · 31/03/2024 22:37

She may be your friend but in the interests of her daughter I'd be reporting this situation to SS who can assess if your friends daughter is safe.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 31/03/2024 22:44

I think your response was really authentic and appropriate. You may have saved them from an awful experience. Also she is an adult and will make her own decisions- you haven’t told her what to do.
it’s really important that you gave a view to balance out his potential manipulation.

Original poster
BlessedKali · 31/03/2024 22:46

Duckingella · 31/03/2024 22:37

She may be your friend but in the interests of her daughter I'd be reporting this situation to SS who can assess if your friends daughter is safe.

I won't be doing that as she has told me there is no way she can go forward with this any longer now that I have stirred this doubt up in her. I am awaiting to see if this is properly enacted.

I also wonder what would they even do considering this person is not british and has not been convicted.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 31/03/2024 22:52

How would you feel if she continued the relationship and something happened.

She's knows there's an issue. She can make a decision herself.

He is not the only man out there who will be interested in her.

You've done what a friend would do.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 31/03/2024 22:53

You are a good friend OP, you were right to react the way you did and point out the danger to your friend's daughter. She put wanting a man before her daughter's safety, thank goodness she has you looking out for her. Once she's ended this relationship maybe have a further chat with her about predators seeking out single mothers and to run at the first signs of something off. Even though it was an accusation that went nowhere (according to him) she should have run for the hills immediately. She shouldn't have even considered taking a chance on him. Her daughter should always come first, no matter how much she wants a relationship.

Igmum · 31/03/2024 22:54

You did the right thing and so did she. Total red flag. You may have saved her daughter. Well done OP. Sending hugs

ArabellaScott · 31/03/2024 22:59

Women should trust their instincts more often. Your reaction was completely understandable, you were concerned for her safety and that of her daughter.

lairyfights9 · 31/03/2024 23:01

As someone who went through this once, I think you did the right thing and I hope your friend listens to you and puts an end to the relationship. One of my biggest regrets was not ending things sooner.

Original poster
BlessedKali · 31/03/2024 23:11

Thanks all.

It didn't help that the only other person she has confided in is a female mutual friend, who told her that mutual-friend's bi-polar sister had falsely accused sister's partner of CSA. So therefore mutual-friend believes new-bf.

Fucking face palm. What a stupid thing to do. Mutual-friend has said she believes this new-bf, who she has never even met. How can you 'believe' a second hand story.

I neither believe nor don't believe. I don't know. And that's wha I told my friend, that she will never know, so why take the risk?

Mutual-friend did make me question myself momentarily.

OP posts:
tresmal · 31/03/2024 23:12

Not a chance I'd have my child around him. You were absolutely right to react the way you did and I hope she listens. Her child's safety is the most important thing

Boiledbeetle · 31/03/2024 23:14

You did the right thing.

I'd be wanting to make sure she goes through with ditching him.

These men are good at grooming the parent to get to the child. And the fact that it was his own brother who was accusing him of abusing the child should have been enough for her to step back.

She needs to ask herself why she let an unknown man win her round with that story so quick. Why would she even risk her daughters safety like that?

Original poster
BlessedKali · 31/03/2024 23:17

Boiledbeetle · 31/03/2024 23:14

You did the right thing.

I'd be wanting to make sure she goes through with ditching him.

These men are good at grooming the parent to get to the child. And the fact that it was his own brother who was accusing him of abusing the child should have been enough for her to step back.

She needs to ask herself why she let an unknown man win her round with that story so quick. Why would she even risk her daughters safety like that?

I know. She has a history of ignoring red flags and haing her boundaries trampled. Not a long history, but a recent one. I'm here to support her through this. Trying the careful balancing act of being very clear and informative, but not so pushy she shuts me down. I feel like it is some sort of training for having teenage daughters.

OP posts:
BunniesRUs · 31/03/2024 23:21

I'm sure I just saw your friend post OP on MN, unless it's a troll.

Original poster
BlessedKali · 31/03/2024 23:22

BunniesRUs · 31/03/2024 23:21

I'm sure I just saw your friend post OP on MN, unless it's a troll.

I originally posted this on aibu, but I wanted to ask the wise women of the Feminism board. Is this what you mean?

or is there something else? She doesn't use MN

OP posts:
PurpleSparkledPixie · 31/03/2024 23:31

Was just about to post that link.

GrazingSheep · 31/03/2024 23:33

It’s a crazy old world out there

Original poster
BlessedKali · 31/03/2024 23:44

My friend has come here for advice too. I have told her how much I have learnt from mumsnet.

I am happy she is seeing these responses, lots of women advice <3

I don't really know what to say, other than I fucking love you sister . <3

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 31/03/2024 23:48

Her thread has been hidden.
MN seem to have doubts about the veracity of her posts.

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 01/04/2024 10:16

We've received a number of reports about this thread. We just wanted to confirm that the OP's a long-term member of the site and we've no reason to think this thread isn't genuine.

The OP's friend joined the site last night to post her own thread to ask for advice about this situation. She's since deregistered her account and we've taken her thread down because it had been overrun with troll hunting posts.

As ever, we'd ask that you please report any suspicions to us rather than on the thread itself as it can deter people from seeking advice.

Thelnebriati · 01/04/2024 12:31

Claires Law is the domestic violence disclosure scheme. Sarah's Law is the child sexual offenders disclosure scheme. Even if a person is not on the sex offenders registry or has been prosecuted abroad, you can still approach the police for help. Its the job of the police to investigate and decide whether or not to disclose, you don't have to worry about that.

Moving forwards, in your shoes I would be concerned about red flags that your friend is displaying;
She has entered into a relationship with a man who is a risk for abuse and shown naive behaviours around him.
You feel obliged to keep this in confidence, when you have mutual friends who have children.

Take steps now to protect yourself and your children. Decide now how to manage the situation if she decides to go ahead with the relationship, and insists on sharing upsetting information with you. Friends don't always make the best choices, and we don't have to enable them.

Original poster
BlessedKali · 02/04/2024 10:20

Thanks all I appreciate the advice.

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 02/04/2024 10:55

Thelnebriati · 01/04/2024 12:31

Claires Law is the domestic violence disclosure scheme. Sarah's Law is the child sexual offenders disclosure scheme. Even if a person is not on the sex offenders registry or has been prosecuted abroad, you can still approach the police for help. Its the job of the police to investigate and decide whether or not to disclose, you don't have to worry about that.

Moving forwards, in your shoes I would be concerned about red flags that your friend is displaying;
She has entered into a relationship with a man who is a risk for abuse and shown naive behaviours around him.
You feel obliged to keep this in confidence, when you have mutual friends who have children.

Take steps now to protect yourself and your children. Decide now how to manage the situation if she decides to go ahead with the relationship, and insists on sharing upsetting information with you. Friends don't always make the best choices, and we don't have to enable them.

I didn't know about Sarah's Law. Thanks, that's really useful to know.

WarriorN · 02/04/2024 12:09

Hope your friend is ok.

You do the right thing.

I'm fucked off about the trolls, but mn are very protective of women who may be in vulnerable situations and it sounds like that was a good move too.

WarriorN · 02/04/2024 12:09

*did