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Original poster

A single mum friend started dating a man who was accused of CSA

55 replies

BlessedKali · 31/03/2024 22:28

I initially posted this on AIBU, but I'd quite like the thought of some of the wise women who I have come to love and respect on this board.

If it wasn't for this board, I don't think I would have been able to ive the advice I did.

It's all bothering me as I havent got anyone IRL I can talk to about it.

Hi all,

A very good friend of mine is a single mum to a two year old girl. She met a man two months ago who she thinks is absolutely amazing, and has been really 'healing' since the very toxic father of her baby.

I went to see her recently and asked her about her new man. As we're good friends, we got straight into it, and she told me about this rather, in my eyes, RED FLAG.

So she tells me that he was accused by his brother and brother's wife of sexual assault of their daughter (his neice). There was a case, but he was never found guilty. Case was dropped, etc.

When my friend told me that I clapped my hand to my mouth and couldn't really hold back on a rather strong reaction. Think along of the lines of:

''oooohhh no!!! what a red flag!!! how could you ever trust him with your daughter... etc etc''

I didn't tell her what to do, or shame her in any way, but I did very strongly explain that this is a red flag and I wouldn't tak the risk with my child.

Now, she believes his story, for various reasons - like, they found no evidence on any of his tech devices, and the whole family is on his side (although she can only know this from his own word. Also the fact her told her almost straight away made her feel he was honest.

Claire's law can't be used, as he is from a euro country.

I think I've scared my friend and now she is very upset coming to terms with having to end what she thought was going to be a lovely relationship.

Was I wrong to have warned her so strongly? I'm kinda feeling bad to see her so upset.

I can't really discuss this with actual friends as it is confidential to her, so I'm asking mumsnet what they think.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlessedKali · 04/04/2024 23:05

IsadoraBathrobe · 04/04/2024 10:57

OP I don’t mean to be harsh but you have quite rightly raised this with your friend and she is carrying on anyway. So what are you going to do next? I don’t know the age of the child this man was accused of abusing but it is incredibly rare for a child to lie about this. It is very hard for a CSA case to be brought against someone and the fact it was dropped is not unusual. Even the fact that the rest of the family is apparently on the BFs side is not proof of anything (abuse normalised in that family? Accused brother is the golden child etc) who knows? Your friend certainly doesn’t. If this man is an abuser then he will have told her in order to test her boundaries and she has shown she has none. There could be multiple reasons why that is and my heart goes out to any woman who has been in an abusive relationship. But as PPs have said she could ask for a Sarah’s Law disclosure or if she chooses to continue the relationship then do it well away from her child. If this man is innocent he would understand that.

If you are not willing to report this then you need to encourage her to contact Women’s Aid or a local women’s group who will work with her to overcome the trauma of her abuse and enable her to rebuild her boundaries so that she feels strong enough to stand up for herself and her child. They will also report any safeguarding concerns so you don’t have to. But please do something to protect that child if your friend can’t. Even if the risk is only theoretical.

I 100% hear you.

OP posts:
Type2whattodo · 05/04/2024 06:18

Your friend is a funking moron.
She's giving her ex the ammunition on a plate for him to get custody.
She's also putting her daughter at risk. How does she know he was accused and acquitted? How does she know that he wasn't found guilty? She doesn't love him. She barely knows him.

His OWN brother accused him of a fairly significant thing. Has she sked to speak to the brother. Get their side?

Honestly, she sounds like much more of a risk to her daughter than a father who was abusive to the mother. Much more of a risk. And I don't say that lightly. If something happens to her daughter, that's on her for life.

Zodfa · 05/04/2024 07:17

Also note that he was accused by his own brother. I would tend to give more credence to that than an accusation from any random person.

Not having anything saved on his devices is barely relevant. Presumably one can access child pornography without saving it. And not accessing child pornography hardly exonerates you from a credible accusation of abusing children yourself. A man wouldn't get off raping an adult women because he doesn't have porn saved on his phone.

MadraUisce · 05/04/2024 09:41

IsadoraBathrobe · 04/04/2024 10:57

OP I don’t mean to be harsh but you have quite rightly raised this with your friend and she is carrying on anyway. So what are you going to do next? I don’t know the age of the child this man was accused of abusing but it is incredibly rare for a child to lie about this. It is very hard for a CSA case to be brought against someone and the fact it was dropped is not unusual. Even the fact that the rest of the family is apparently on the BFs side is not proof of anything (abuse normalised in that family? Accused brother is the golden child etc) who knows? Your friend certainly doesn’t. If this man is an abuser then he will have told her in order to test her boundaries and she has shown she has none. There could be multiple reasons why that is and my heart goes out to any woman who has been in an abusive relationship. But as PPs have said she could ask for a Sarah’s Law disclosure or if she chooses to continue the relationship then do it well away from her child. If this man is innocent he would understand that.

If you are not willing to report this then you need to encourage her to contact Women’s Aid or a local women’s group who will work with her to overcome the trauma of her abuse and enable her to rebuild her boundaries so that she feels strong enough to stand up for herself and her child. They will also report any safeguarding concerns so you don’t have to. But please do something to protect that child if your friend can’t. Even if the risk is only theoretical.

Yes, please help this little girl as it seems like no one is being her advocate right now.

IsadoraBathrobe · 12/04/2024 11:52

@BlessedKali hi OP, how are you getting on? What did you decide to do?

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