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Original poster

A single mum friend started dating a man who was accused of CSA

55 replies

BlessedKali · 31/03/2024 22:28

I initially posted this on AIBU, but I'd quite like the thought of some of the wise women who I have come to love and respect on this board.

If it wasn't for this board, I don't think I would have been able to ive the advice I did.

It's all bothering me as I havent got anyone IRL I can talk to about it.

Hi all,

A very good friend of mine is a single mum to a two year old girl. She met a man two months ago who she thinks is absolutely amazing, and has been really 'healing' since the very toxic father of her baby.

I went to see her recently and asked her about her new man. As we're good friends, we got straight into it, and she told me about this rather, in my eyes, RED FLAG.

So she tells me that he was accused by his brother and brother's wife of sexual assault of their daughter (his neice). There was a case, but he was never found guilty. Case was dropped, etc.

When my friend told me that I clapped my hand to my mouth and couldn't really hold back on a rather strong reaction. Think along of the lines of:

''oooohhh no!!! what a red flag!!! how could you ever trust him with your daughter... etc etc''

I didn't tell her what to do, or shame her in any way, but I did very strongly explain that this is a red flag and I wouldn't tak the risk with my child.

Now, she believes his story, for various reasons - like, they found no evidence on any of his tech devices, and the whole family is on his side (although she can only know this from his own word. Also the fact her told her almost straight away made her feel he was honest.

Claire's law can't be used, as he is from a euro country.

I think I've scared my friend and now she is very upset coming to terms with having to end what she thought was going to be a lovely relationship.

Was I wrong to have warned her so strongly? I'm kinda feeling bad to see her so upset.

I can't really discuss this with actual friends as it is confidential to her, so I'm asking mumsnet what they think.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlessedKali · 02/04/2024 12:19

WarriorN · 02/04/2024 12:09

Hope your friend is ok.

You do the right thing.

I'm fucked off about the trolls, but mn are very protective of women who may be in vulnerable situations and it sounds like that was a good move too.

I am so frustrated about the trolls. What an utterly stupid thing to do. They didn't stop for one moment and consider the potential that a woman was seeking advice and they were interrupting it. Absolutely awful.

OP posts:
WarriorN · 02/04/2024 12:22

It's really shit as mn has helped so many women in these sorts if situations.

There's an area on reddit where they organise. It may not have been them but I wouldn't be surprised if it was.

Original poster
BlessedKali · 02/04/2024 12:25

WarriorN · 02/04/2024 12:22

It's really shit as mn has helped so many women in these sorts if situations.

There's an area on reddit where they organise. It may not have been them but I wouldn't be surprised if it was.

I did think it was interesting that there were a few user who were determind to close conversations around CSA. I've had previous threads about safeguardinG reported lots. Does wonder what people have motives for that

OP posts:
WarriorN · 02/04/2024 12:29

I have noticed a change in the last 5 years in some of the posters around really serious topics. Very dismissive.

Do report troll hunters as they can cause damage to genuine posters who may be very vulnerable women.

Original poster
BlessedKali · 02/04/2024 12:39

WarriorN · 02/04/2024 12:29

I have noticed a change in the last 5 years in some of the posters around really serious topics. Very dismissive.

Do report troll hunters as they can cause damage to genuine posters who may be very vulnerable women.

sadly it occured at 12 at night on easter Sunday, so the trollhunters damage was done before it could be rectified

OP posts:
Original poster
BlessedKali · 03/04/2024 15:46

Hi all, just posting as feeling very burdened.

I think the forcefulness of some of the comments that occured when my friend in question made a thread on mumsnt has scared her off. She has specifically said that she will not return. If you are wondering why I might still be posting this and will she see (altouh if she did, there is nothing here I am ashamed of)

So basically, my friend lives in Uk and had met this man in another european country (not his own country).

They had had an intense fling for 2 months.

She has returned home and he was supposed to be coming today, to visit her for 2-3 weeks. To live in her house.

She had received quite alot of information and advice from me, and then received all matching advice from mumsnet. She initally told this man not to come, and then she was going to seek therapy instead, as she was very confused.

Today she has contacted me to say that she rang him to tell him not to come, felt awful about the decision, so rang him and reversed it.

So, he is coming today, to live in her house with her and her baby, for two weeks.

I have some red flags around his response to her, I have alot of red flags around her decision making process and choices she is making. Also what she considers boundaries ''don't worry, he will sleep on the sofa initially'.

I'm feeling very burdened by all this - it feels like she is not making appropriate boundaries, and sort of I'm just left with holding this baton of knowlege and responsiblity.

I cannot and will not make a safeguarding/social report - due to the fact she is about to enter into a custody battle with her abusive ex, and so I don't want to affect that in any way.

She says 'she 100% trusts him and totally believes him'

I'm feeling incredibly concerned and also competely and utterly exhausted.

OP posts:
WarriorN · 03/04/2024 16:44

I can see how this is very hard - is there any way calling women's aid for advice might be an option?

I did on behalf of my friend once, a local charity. Almost as a scouting exercise so I could tell her more about it and she could ring herself.

Can you point out to your friend that if this guy ends up doing anything her ex could have reasonable grounds to contest parental responsibility?

Hoping someone else may come along with more advice.

WarriorN · 03/04/2024 16:45

It does piss me off when trolls or twats post very harshly with some new people, who are posting about potentially vulnerable information for exactly this reason.

whatsitcalledwhen · 03/04/2024 16:58

I cannot and will not make a safeguarding/social report - due to the fact she is about to enter into a custody battle with her abusive ex, and so I don't want to affect that in any way.

Her poor child, one abusive parent and the other with so little awareness of (or respect for) safeguarding that they are being endangered in two ways.

Firstly the potential risk of person accused of CSA she is inviting to live with them and secondly the potential risk of her abusive ex finding out about this and having the perfect ammunition to label her unfit to parent in court.

What a mess. And at the centre of it all a child being put in danger.

I hope your friend comes to her senses. Have you explained to her that dating someone with a history of child sex abuse allegations couldn't be playing into her ex's hands any more if she tried?!

Cosmosforbreakfast · 03/04/2024 17:00

It appears your friend considers it more important to have a man, any man, even a man who might be a pedo rather than be single. Introducing her daughter to a man she barely knows after 2 months is ridiculous never mind having him stay in her house. She is prioritising appeasing a very very new bf rather than prioritising her daughter's safety. Why did she reverse, did he guilt her, emotionally blackmail her, threaten to self harm?

Her daughter's dad may find out about the accusation against this guy and use it against her. Why is she so happy to risk everything for a man she barely knows?

ArabellaScott · 03/04/2024 17:16

BlessedKali · 03/04/2024 15:46

Hi all, just posting as feeling very burdened.

I think the forcefulness of some of the comments that occured when my friend in question made a thread on mumsnt has scared her off. She has specifically said that she will not return. If you are wondering why I might still be posting this and will she see (altouh if she did, there is nothing here I am ashamed of)

So basically, my friend lives in Uk and had met this man in another european country (not his own country).

They had had an intense fling for 2 months.

She has returned home and he was supposed to be coming today, to visit her for 2-3 weeks. To live in her house.

She had received quite alot of information and advice from me, and then received all matching advice from mumsnet. She initally told this man not to come, and then she was going to seek therapy instead, as she was very confused.

Today she has contacted me to say that she rang him to tell him not to come, felt awful about the decision, so rang him and reversed it.

So, he is coming today, to live in her house with her and her baby, for two weeks.

I have some red flags around his response to her, I have alot of red flags around her decision making process and choices she is making. Also what she considers boundaries ''don't worry, he will sleep on the sofa initially'.

I'm feeling very burdened by all this - it feels like she is not making appropriate boundaries, and sort of I'm just left with holding this baton of knowlege and responsiblity.

I cannot and will not make a safeguarding/social report - due to the fact she is about to enter into a custody battle with her abusive ex, and so I don't want to affect that in any way.

She says 'she 100% trusts him and totally believes him'

I'm feeling incredibly concerned and also competely and utterly exhausted.

What a terribly difficult position for you to be in.

Your friend sounds like she is making terrible choices. Please try and keep communications open with her. Is it possible to keep a closer eye on her while he's here?

Original poster
BlessedKali · 03/04/2024 17:25

ArabellaScott · 03/04/2024 17:16

What a terribly difficult position for you to be in.

Your friend sounds like she is making terrible choices. Please try and keep communications open with her. Is it possible to keep a closer eye on her while he's here?

Show quote history

I think I might have fucked up. My reaction to her saying he was coming, was to express that I do not support this decision at all, and that I am feeling overwhelmed by this all.

It probably was a stupid thing to say. I wish I hadn't, but it was (is) the truth.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 03/04/2024 17:32

If you think the child is at risk at any point you MUST report it.

She is feeling guilty and obligation for him to come.

Look up FOG - fear, obligation and guilt.

The fact she's previously had an abusive relationship only makes her more vulnerable.

Post on the relationships board as they can sign post better to advice, organisation and information about breaking out of this cycle really well

DadJoke · 03/04/2024 17:42

You did the right thing. I would be extremely concerned under these circumstances. Letting your friend know you will support her regardless of her decision might be wise.

Original poster
BlessedKali · 03/04/2024 17:51

DadJoke · 03/04/2024 17:42

You did the right thing. I would be extremely concerned under these circumstances. Letting your friend know you will support her regardless of her decision might be wise.

I told her that I support her, but I don't not support this decision. But I do want to be there for her and I do want her to feel she can talk to me. Might have fucked that up though.

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 03/04/2024 19:09

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/

NSPCC may be able to offer advice. They have a helpline.

ArabellaScott · 03/04/2024 19:09

Even if she didn't have a baby, I'd be concerned at this course of events. She must barely know this man, and she's having him move in for two weeks?

Feckedupbundle · 03/04/2024 20:57

I really feel for you,it's a horrible position to be in. Is it possible for her daughter to stay elsewhere whilst this man is visiting? Any friends or relatives who could have her,to keep her safely out of his way?
This may have the 'positive' effect of,if the guy does have nefarious intentions,making him lose interest. Of course,its only a very short term solution. Any predator really intent on doing harm is very capable of playing the long game to get what they want,so it's no guarantee of putting him off.

WarriorN · 03/04/2024 22:38

I think I might have fucked up. My reaction to her saying he was coming, was to express that I do not support this decision at all, and that I am feeling overwhelmed by this all.

Unless you mean you've scared her off, You said the right thing. Keep letting her know you are there for her but you are very concerned. Keep channels of communication open.

I'm leaning towards calling SS. I understood the predicament but a child's safety is paramount

WarriorN · 03/04/2024 22:39

Can you express worries to a family member who's on her side?

Original poster
BlessedKali · 03/04/2024 23:09

WarriorN · 03/04/2024 22:39

Can you express worries to a family member who's on her side?

Thanks all. xx

OP posts:
IsadoraBathrobe · 03/04/2024 23:20

If she carries on with this relationship she will lose her child. One way or another. She is putting a tiny, vulnerable child at an unfathomable level
of risk. The impact of CSA is lifelong. You need to tell her that if she does not put an end to it now then you will report it. Sorry but the safety and wellbeing of that child is worth more than your friendship.

Original poster
BlessedKali · 03/04/2024 23:44

It's not an accurate statement that something bad will necessarily happen. There is a chance he is innocent, and I think such heavy statements are not necessarily helpful (although I see you are coming from a good place) Really the problem lies with lack of healthy boundaries.

OP posts:
IsadoraBathrobe · 04/04/2024 10:57

OP I don’t mean to be harsh but you have quite rightly raised this with your friend and she is carrying on anyway. So what are you going to do next? I don’t know the age of the child this man was accused of abusing but it is incredibly rare for a child to lie about this. It is very hard for a CSA case to be brought against someone and the fact it was dropped is not unusual. Even the fact that the rest of the family is apparently on the BFs side is not proof of anything (abuse normalised in that family? Accused brother is the golden child etc) who knows? Your friend certainly doesn’t. If this man is an abuser then he will have told her in order to test her boundaries and she has shown she has none. There could be multiple reasons why that is and my heart goes out to any woman who has been in an abusive relationship. But as PPs have said she could ask for a Sarah’s Law disclosure or if she chooses to continue the relationship then do it well away from her child. If this man is innocent he would understand that.

If you are not willing to report this then you need to encourage her to contact Women’s Aid or a local women’s group who will work with her to overcome the trauma of her abuse and enable her to rebuild her boundaries so that she feels strong enough to stand up for herself and her child. They will also report any safeguarding concerns so you don’t have to. But please do something to protect that child if your friend can’t. Even if the risk is only theoretical.

WarriorN · 04/04/2024 11:39

I'm not sure now is the time but it sounds like doing the freedom programme would be useful to her Flowers

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