Sexual harassed DD6 in unisex toilet

[LittleCoffeePot]

I initially posted this using a throwaway account in AIBU for traffic but it got derailed accusing me of lying and being obsessed with toilets(?) and my account deleted. This is my main account so I'm hoping this wont be deleted as I genuinely need help and advice.

Monday night, my DD6 comes and tells me that the week before, when using some unisex toilets for a different classroom at school that she wasn't familiar with, she was struggling to lock the door and a boy offered to hold the door. These unisex toilets are unsupervised. While using the toilet, the boy gathered a group of other boys and they opened the door twice to all laugh at her while she was on the toilet. She was in floods of tears telling me this and now doesn't want to use the toilet at school. She said she told a teacher or TA but they didn't do anything.

Obviously I immediately brought this up with the school and they have 'investigated'. They implied that it was my daughter's fault for not being able to lock the door and that from now on she's going to be accompanied by an adult to the toilet. They said the boy's mother has been told but they're 'working on' an apology from him. They're also 'investigating' the member of staff who was told but did nothing.

I had no idea that the school even had unisex toilets as the ones I'd seen in Early Years were sexed. I'm horrified that the unisex toilets for young children are unmonitored and that the school has failed my daughter in allowing this to happen.

I've escalated the issue with the head but am expecting to be brushed off with a 'well we've sorted it now' as they've informed me that unisex toilets are apparently the norm. How do I go beyond the school? Who do I alert to this safeguarding failure?

Thanks

I can't see how it's not sexual harrassment, particularly encouraging only other boys to come and join in?

So what happened to make it sexual harrassment rather than bullying?

I'm struggling to see how any rational adult would consider this SH tbh. I'm failing to see the sexual aspect at all.

1. Sexual harassment is any unwanted sexual behaviour that makes someone feel upset, scared, offended or humiliated, or is meant to make them feel that way.

Did the boy(s) make any sexual remarks or sexually touch her? If not then focus on the bullying and inappropriate mixed sex toilets. Why was the boy in an unsupervised area? Why were multiple boys in an unsupervised area? Why couldn't a child operate the lock when presumably it is a similar style to other toilet locks?

Focus on those kind of points first. Not SH.

Purposely orchestrating a situation to invade her privacy, specfically while her genitals were exposed, and encouraging others to do the same.

I know a teacher who was sacked for ignoring a child’s safeguarding allegation (the attacker was caught by police and went to court).

It’s serous business and I think the school are shutting you down because they don’t want the hassle dealing with the outcome - so it’s ’boys will be boys’ shit all over all again. The governors will close ranks and side with the school too ime.

What you need to do is follow the complaints procedure on the school website. Escalate it every level if they fob you off. Don’t let them diminish your child’s experience. People here are saying ‘don’t make it bigger than it is’ - imagine if that had happened to a grown ass woman - it would be terrifying, humiliating and traumatising - it is no less for this little girl, especially if she has SN.

Good luck op 💐

Looking is behaviour, that's why voyeurism is sexual harassment. I have been asking all of those questions and haven't yet got any answers. Clearly there are multiple failures within the school that they're trying to downplay.

Purposely orchestrating a situation to invade her privacy, specfically while her genitals were exposed, and encouraging others to do the same

With sexual intent? At age 6? Really?

Like a pp said, you'd do far better focusing on the actual problems. The bullying, toilet protocol for little children, general supervision, the locks.

Realistically, what do you expect to happen to these boys?

@LittleCoffeePot I really think you’d be better off focussing on the bullying element here instead debating whether or not the boy had a sexual motive I mind or not. I think everyone agrees that the school’s response was poor and this is what you need to address. We are talking about 6 year olds at the end of the day.

I'm not expecting anything to happen to the boys, I expect the school to take it seriously and change their policies so that this doesn't happen again.

Children shouldn't be accompanied to the toilet by adults. Or there would have to be two adults there for safeguarding. We could stand outside the toilet block and this is what happens in high school at break time the unisex toilets are supervised by a member of staff standing outside (most don't have main doors on them now). And yes unisex toilets are noraml in schools now, lots have converted them.

I would however in this case go speak to the head teacher and find out, what happened and what they will do to safeguard your child. Also push for an apology from the other child, it's not on that they get away with it.

If you have any issues with school it's always best to go see them in person. They are always more likely to act if you do.

Looking is behaviour, that's why voyeurism is sexual harassment

Voyeurism is SH because the intent or interest of the voyeur is considered sexual in nature. Watching sexually interests or excites them.

What makes you believe that this bunch of 6 year old boys were sexually interested in your dd?

Aren't primary aged children taught the pants rule?

"No one should ever make you do things that make you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. If someone asks to see, or tries to touch you, underneath your underwear, say 'NO' ".

This wasn't even asking to see underneath the girl's underwear, it was barging into the cubicle in order to see her with her pants down

As I've said, it's the effort to trick her as a means to invade her privacy. It wasn't just that he happened to see, he orchestrated a scenario to see her at her most vulnerable and ridicule her for it.

UseitOrloseItt why are you so relentlessly insistent that OP accepts your view?

Sexual assault and harassment is unfortunately fairly common in schools. And yes, children of all ages may engage in it.

Children may act inappropriately for many reasons. This may also be a safeguarding red flag for the children involved. Insisting on minimising and dismissing the OP like this is not helpful.

I would be hesitant about calling it sexual harassment because then the school is just defending sexual harassment which isn't as cut and dry as bullying in this scenario when they are 6. It's wildly inappropriate behaviour and bullying and horrific. My concern is if you focus on the sexual harassment they'll be able to defend that and then the whole thing is dismissed.

Fine, it's up to you but you seem to want to argue that this is SH with us and school instead of focusing on the parts that will really bring a good outcome to your DD and others.

Personally I would focus on why so many were unsupervised. What was being done about the bullying, now and for future (assembly or class discussion about it not being acceptable?). How they will support DD going forward. How/why the lock didn't work etc. Why was it mixed sexed and separate or was it normally the one used by the school adults. If DD or another child had fainted or lock had got stuck how would an adult have reached her? Lots of different questions that might get this resolved quickly.

By saying the above I don't want to make out your DD wasn't scared or upset. I know she was

https://safeguarding.network/content/safeguarding-resources/sexual-violence-sexual-harassment/

What makes you believe they weren’t? Year 6 boys are the perfect age to be silly and curious about seeing a girl with her pants down. And that is the beginnings of sexual curiosity.

Yes, it is sexual harassment. If a woman was sitting on the toilet, and a bunch of men broke in and stared at her, you would no doubt regard it as sexual harassment. Difficult to see why it's different when it's children.

As for people who say that little boys don't have sexual feelings, I remember at that age (6 or 7) having boys try to pull my knickers down and so on. It's not so much a question of whether boys that age are sexually aroused by that behaviour, but they certainly understand that genitalia are private, and get some kind of kick out of shaming girls by exposing them or touching them.

Is the boy that held the door in her year group or older than her? I hope the school actually does address it with him (and the others that joined him) and doesn’t try and hush it all up.

@ArabellaScott because misusing the term sexual harrassment and therefore diminishing the importance and meaning of it is MASSIVELY damaging to women and girls.

Chucking the term SH around inappropriately and incorrectly shouldn't be accepted by anyone.

This was bullying, mean, spiteful etc. Op's dd is rightfully upset. The boys deserve to be punished. School need to respond appropriately.

But six year olds seeing another six year old sitting on the toilet with their pants down and finding this hilarious (and being mean about it) is NOT sexual harrassment.

Maintaining that the boys had a sexual interest in ops dd - at age 6 - is absurd, unhelpful and damaging.

What makes you believe they weren’t? Year 6 boys are the perfect age to be silly and curious about seeing a girl with her pants down

They're not Year 6.

They're 6. As in six years old.

OP it is easy to name change in the settings menu. If you are not sure, you can post on site stuff and get step by step instructions.

Yes, it is sexual harassment. If a woman was sitting on the toilet, and a bunch of men broke in and stared at her, you would no doubt regard it as sexual harassment. Difficult to see why it's different when it's children

Now that's just absurd. Age here is HUGELY relevant.

My two year old slapped me in the face yesterday. Should I report him to the police for assault? Afterall, if dh did that to me that would be abuse right? So, in your words 'why is it different when it's children'?

Give it a rest with the nitpicking

@UseItOrloseItt
"It was mean. It was unkind. It was bullying behaviour. But unless there is a huge dripfeed coming, it wasn't sexual harassment fgs."
If the post is true, the the girl was sitting on the toilet with her knickers down, and would not be able to pull them up, until she had finished her 'wee'.
This means her private parts were exposed (she may have been able to hide with a skirt), but would have felt vulnerable.
I call it sexual harassment!