Indian meal with new group turned into big argument about gender

[PotteringPondering]

Went for an Indian meal this evening with a group I've recently joined, to get to know new people.

One person started sounding off about how 'so-called feminism' is really a mask for hatred and bigotry against trans people. I kept quiet for as long as I could, but I couldn't hold back from challenging it. It turned into a big argument in the restaurant, with most of the group sitting in a stunned silence.

I know I'm not the first here to tell a story like this, and I won't be the last. But I'm back home in an empty house, feeling rather shaken by it all.

👏

You lovely, deserve a medal!

Well done you for not putting up with their utter bollocks. What a lucky escape you’ve had from wasting any more of your precious time with complete knobheads.

Get yourself a cuppa and give yourself a massive pat on the back!

Misogyny is so fucking prevalent it's scary. Well done for standing up for us

Hope you're okay, OP. Well done for speaking up.

If you're anywhere near Worcestershire you're welcome to join me and my friends anytime. We're all hateful bigots sane!

Anyone who claims feminism is bigotry and that women shouldn't get to say no really isn't someone you want as a friend. Especially when they decide to proclaim how horrid feminists all are at a night out. What a treasure. Well done for standing up against DARVO and misogyny. It is quite unnerving when it happens, though, I know. So hand hold, tea and chocolate (and tunnocks)

Standing up for what's right is hard when the group are not participating (bet lots agreed with you though) I think because day to day we do kid ourselves that there isn't too much misogyny and people are generally decent. When they prove themselves not to be it's disturbing.

Yes, thank you for defending our rights, OP. ❤

I suspect a lot of those stunned into silence agree with you. The aggressive tirade against “so-called feminism” would have shocked and intimidated them. But you were the only one with the courage to speak up. Well done.

Well done you!

I'd be interested to know a bit more about the group: what do have in common? A hobby/age/education/professional background/children/place of abode/worship etc etc. And 'big argument'? You vs how many?

I would be wondering if I wanted to be in a group with people who thought so differently from the way I do However, I'd be probably be very happy if you joined any of the groups I belong to.

Hope you get a good night's sleep after this.

It’s happened to me, too. The weird thing was that no one would back me up but told me afterwards that they thought the person I was arguing with was bonkers.
Well done for standing up for women and children.

Well, now you know they’re not potential friends. Good on you for pointing out a few home truths.

Well done.
What sort of group was it? You may get some private messages of support. Not much help when you're the only vocal one though.

'Big argument' as in quite heated, not as in involving lots of people. It was mainly just me and 'mask for bigotry' person.

I won't say more about what sort of group it was, if that's OK, as it could sideline the conversation into whether people in 'that' sort of group are more or less likely to be into gender ideology!

@PotteringPondering I get that. I was wondering under what circumstances one might find oneself trying to get to know better a group that turned out to have as a member someone with views so far from one's own.

Well done you. Also - you’ve saved yourself a lot of time and effort hanging around with those idiots!

Go op! It's really hard just not to say anything isn't it 😤

What a bunch of lame chicken shit bastards!

Well done you for not just sitting there and saying nothing, that took real courage. You didn't start this, they did. Hold your head up high as you are a woman of integrity!

Echoing everyone’s sentiments - well done for speaking up. I bet a lot of the group felt you were right (because most people don’t believe in gender ideology) but of course they saw the roasting you were getting and didn’t fancy some of the same.

takes a lot to speak up, don’t underestimate how brave you were, especially in a group you didn’t know.

Thank you for having the courage of your convictions and standing up for women.

If I’d been there, I would have bought you a drink.

Well done OP. I’ve been there - with my brother, sadly. The same brother who as a press officer for a couple of police forces was always keen to tell women that any boundary crossing men should be met with aggression became a ‘be kind’ bully when he moved to, worryingly, the GMC.
Haven’t spoken to him since, and truthfully, my life is better for it.

It might seem like you’re on your own now, but if you’ve lost any friends over it you’ll come out of it stronger. And I doubt you have, silence on this is usually down to fear of the twitterati.

Well, I'm in a walking group and political and gender views are not checked when we join. I've had to remove myself from many conversations about shit I don't agree with.

I have prevailed on the gender critical side though, so far.

Brexit not so much. We've even got a couple of anti vaxxers.

Me too. It was horrible and really knocked my confidence and my ability to trust people. But little by little I and others have realised that the person I was arguing with is bonkers.

To answer @Gagagardener , at least in my case, I live in a rural area and there isn't a huge choice of different 'groups' and so it was a potential friendship group I suppose.

The people in my case who were 'sitting in stunned silence' presumably acted in self-preservation - but in my case this meant an end to an organic developing of friendship...
Which is fine, because why would I want to be friends with spineless people, but it was (and kind of still is) a horrible situation.

Well done for standing up for what you believe in, and hugs to you, I know how horrible it is. 💐

Sp sorry OP

Hope you get a good night's sleep and feel less shaken tomorrow.

But yes it is hard, because even if as so often happens, others siddle up to you later to say they agree with you, its knowing that they sat silent that hurts.

Have you decided if you will continue with the group?

I hope the person who felt entitled to sound off will have reflected on their behaviour in what was meanto to be a social occassion to let people get to know each. Hardly creating an atmosphere where people could speak without thinking some self appointed judge was going to start calling them out. Very strange.

That sounds like a very stressful and upsetting experience. Well done for speaking up - it takes courage to challenge and push back on someone who is ranting and displaying their own bigotry and ignorance. I'm sure there were others in the group who agreed with you, but were probably mortified and scared to react. People will have been expecting a quiet evening with nice food and pleasant conversations. Oh well... It is what it is.

Ideally there should be some sort of group organiser who steps in when conversations get heated to remind people that everyone has differences of opinions, and bring back the focus to the purpose of the group - enjoying a meal, or film etc.

I'm sorry that you have lost a new social group though. Hope you feel a bit better after a night's sleep.

Well done. xx

How on earth did it even come up?