Complex situation and feel devestated.

[Ilovehersomuch]

Been told my daughter wants to go by a male name and male pronouns.

She's mid teens. Diagnosed autistic. And has a history of CSA. And bisexual.

She's always been a tomboy, wears all boys clothes, short hair.
Well I say she was a tomboy, she was pink princess mad until around the time her trauma occoured.

And all this has started since her periods began and she's been developing.

It's very obviously a trauma response to what happened to her and a rejection of her female body and her pain. She doesn't want to be that victim and this is the perfect 'out'.

She also admitted to trying SH.

She is obviously very vunerable and not in a good head space. So I have agreed to the name and pronouns in a tentative been to show her support and not alienate her and push her away.

She also has ALOT of LGBTQ/trans/NB friends at school.

The SEN coordinator said there is a 'pandemic' of children going through this in the school and wider school community.

And agreed that this is trauma response.

I can't tell her no but it's absolutely killing me to do this. I've changed her name in my phone but just saying HE feels so wrong.

I feel like I'm mourning my daughter and the past has risen again and I feel lost.

I love her so much :(

Have a look at Stella O'Malley & Sascha Ayad's podcast/YouTube series: "Gender a Wider Lens" and their parents' support.

Some people advise not to do the social transition (name & pronouns) but to seek proper therapy for what's at the root of this: sexual abuse. Can you get her away from her current environment?

Unfortunately not. She would never forgive me if I took her out of this school. No other schools are very good in the area and with her autism she would not handle the change well at all.

I’d CC in anyone you feel is relevant and who you have contact details for.

And put the list of everyone who has been sent the email at the bottom of your text, so as a kinda

‘For information sharing and record keeping purposes this email has been sent to:
Head
Head of Year
Head of SENCO
Specific SENCO who works with Dd

and DD’s father, with whom I share parental responsibility’

List job description and name (personally I cc my co parent into everything school/child related, he isn’t always that interested but it demonstrates to the professionals that we are a coparenting team and makes it clear that playing us off against each other is a pointless strategy. Obvs parents with less peaceful coparenting relationships will not necessarily find this appropriate but IME it works pretty well, and I have two complex needs bio kids and a gender-y stepchild).

In a few years time when this part of the century is looked back on, I expect that there will be some very hard questions asked about why so many autistic CHILDREN were effectively encouraged to be sterilised, both chemically and surgically.

And so, SO many people, from parents down were actively involved in it, not to mention the kool brigade who cheered it on from the sidelines. Thank god for the sanity about this subject that is found on MN.

Stand your ground, OP.

The social contagion aspect works both ways, my DsD’s extremely influential trans identifying friend (previously her ‘gay transman boyfriend’) has now desisted which has made the whole friendship group start questioning their own IDs, so rather than pull your DD out of school (where she is otherwise well provided for) I would recommend getting to know the friends, eg add them on social media and encourage hang outs in your house rather than elsewhere. Get to know the other parents as much as possibly (but don’t discuss gender, at least not at first, because some might be all in Mermaids-y types).

Fantastic idea that.

Basically broadening your horizons, seeing new things/places, to get you out of your narrow way of thinking. We can all get trapped in a way of thinking that is harmful to us so the idea of being subjected to new surroundings to pull us out it sounds like a good one.

Ah, I actually printed it out to take it in as an actual letter.

You think I should email it in, instead?

E-mail it then you can copy in all the relevant people.

Definitely.

Always leave a tangible trail to protect yourself.

The member of staff that called me in for a meeting to tell me this. Should I phone her Monday morning to discuss it or just send the email and wait to be contacted?

i might even boots and braces it and send in a letter to whoever you perceive is most important and then add to the email

’This email is a copy of the letter sent to person X via first class post (or hand delivered to school office) on insert date’

doing both a) shows you are serious and b) makes it impossible for person X to ignore it or claim to have missed the email

I’d wait til Monday afternoon and then phone, starting the call with ‘Have you seen the email I sent this morning/last night?’ If she says no you can ask her to read it and call you back as soon as convenient.

I am so sorry about your daughter. But I would not agree to use male pronouns and male name. Stick with her being a girl and calling her so. It may cause upset but not as much as letting her go down this rabbit hole which could end in her being addicted to hormones for life, infertile and with no sexual function. Look for a therapist who will not affirm your daughter's wishes. Genspect, perhaps?

Just catching up on this thread. Thank you @DameMaud and @TheClogLady for the tag.

It sounds like such a difficult situation OP. Your letter is great. Whilst I think clear words are important, I do agree with the posters who suggest erring on the side of caution with language. Personally I would stay away from "ideology", for example. Instead I use the word "belief". There are so many stakeholders involved in every school and unfortunately there are self-declared experts in all things LGBT+ who may be successful in shutting a parent out if they come across as "transphobic".

We were in the fortunate position that my daughter already had an EHCP. We were also incredibly lucky that we found a medical expert (a paediatric GP) who wrote a safeguarding section about gender identity for her EHCP paperwork. That said, I'm sure you could request a similar safeguarding approach as a parent. Before our paperwork was finalised, I used my own version of the document (which included the main section of the official submission) with the agencies that work with my daughter at school e.g. the external speech and language therapist. I also use my version with all healthcare appointments. If it helps, I would be happy to share a redacted copy of our safeguarding statement @Ilovehersomuch as a start point for you to adapt for your own use.

My biggest piece of advice would be to keep the dialogue open with the school by being as neutral as possible. The facts speak for themselves once they are presented clearly. We have a lot of support for our daughter on this but it's taken time to unfold and I've been acutely aware that those who want to help are cautious about how they proceed. From my experience, the majority of the staff want to be kind and are ignorant of the harms. It's a slow process but raising awareness across the leadership team has been key for me.

Thankyou.

I sent the email a few hours ago but I didn't take on the advice and removed the words ideology and the comment about social contagion.

I feel angry. But I also want to keep a level head and try and be as professional as possible so they don't see me as problematic.

I would love a copy if possible. She's not got an EHCP in place yet.

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I've been in a similar situation with my son who self-diagnosed likely anxiety and depression as gender dysphoria and decided the only thing that would make his life better is taking hormones.

We haven't changed pronouns or name. It isn't a neutral act. Social transition is more likely to lead to medical transition. We found a private exploratory therapist and kept him away from the NHS which isn't fit for purpose on this topic. You've been offered lots of useful information but Gender Dysphoria Support Network support groups and Genspect have been a lifeline. You might be able to find a suitable therapist though Thoughtful Therapists and Gender Exploratory Therapists Association (GETA). I also subscribe to Parents with Inconvenient Truths about Trans (PITT) which makes me feel less alone.

Sending you strength.

I think maybe it should go to head of safeguarding too?

I already sent it but depending on the response I may do that.

I'm feeling quite worried this morning. DD has gone to school and I'm feeling nervous awaiting a response.

Here to offer a handhold.

small comfort but it’s much better to be dealing with this at the tail end of 2023 than it was 4-5 years ago.

Most teachers can see the social contagion aspect now even if they are still afraid to say so out loud in the workplace and we have lots of groups and resources that barely existed a few years ago (shout out to Transgender Trend and 4th Wave now for noticing really early)

One of the private trans surgery clinics is currently in liquidation, I
really do think we are past the peak point of children identifying as trans in the U.K., but that doesn’t mean it’s any less important to keep fighting for the kids who are still going through it and I expect it will tail off slowly rather than fall away suddenly.

Sending all my best.

Just sent you a PM re the paperwork.

Staying neutral while feeling incredibly angry about the danger my daughter is in (from being pulled towards the idea that her puberty distress means she isn't a girl) has been difficult. But I think you're right to aim for this too. I was aware that all school staff had been through LGBT+ training, so many would potentially be on the lookout for a parent who isn't supporting their child to be their "authentic self". Staying neutral and helping to highlight the confusion and distress that autistic girls often feel about their changing bodies during puberty has been the way to open doors with conversation for me. IMO very few adults would challenge the idea that autistic girls may feel this way, given how well known it is that autistic people often struggle with change. Also the Tavistock referrals speak for themselves on this: 48% of referrals are autistic and amongst girls (autistic and neurotypical) there has been a 5000% increase. No sensible adult in a secondary school setting could write that off as coincidental. Both of these facts, together with the reference links, are included in our safeguarding statement.